AN: Sorry about the long ass wait you guys, I know that you're all either pissed off, or just gave up on the story, and to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of you did. It's just been a hard few months for me. I just graduated both high school and college at the same time, so I had a lot of things to prepare for, than a day before graduation, I lost a friend of mine.
So yeah, it's been hard, and it doesn't help when this chapter seemed to be the hardest one I've ever had to write!
Thanks to my wonderful BETA Megsly. She's the best, seriously she is. Another thank you to those few ladies over at Twilighted who have really helped me out lately. I love you guys!
Also again, the past events are in present tense to make you understand how important they are.
Songs are on my playlist posted on my profile. Check them out if you really want to get into the mood while reading this chapter
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Song suggestion:
Supernatural – flyleaf (acoustic)
Over and out – Alkaline Trio (renholder remix)
Floating - Roberto Cacciapaglia
Fly - Ludovico Einaudi
And chapter song.
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I'll face myself
In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
'Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I've done
What I've done by Linkin Park
-EPOV-
1 year ago
As I sit in the crowded waiting room, with old magazines sitting beside me and fake plants stuck in the corners of the room, I can feel the anxiety coursing through me as I bounce my knees up and down uncomfortably. They feel as if they are about to break off my body and walk out of this building themselves; all while my hands rub at face as if they are trying to rip off my skin. My breathing is difficult too; it feels as if I have a heavy body sitting on top of it and I can't push it off no matter how hard I try.
Why am I freaking out so much?
Why did Garrett have to drag me down here?
The answers are all simple actually.
My "mother" is the reason.
Mother. Ha! Yeah right! She's no mother.
Isn't a mother supposed to take care of you when you're sick? Feed you when you're hungry? Help you with school work that you're having difficulties on? Actually send you to school?
The child isn't supposed to teach themselves how to read or have their old fat neighbor teach them instead of an actual teacher.
The child shouldn't have to take hits from their mother's drunken "boyfriends" and then cook them breakfast in the morning. A child isn't supposed to clean up their mother's puke because she was too drunk to even make it to the toilet.
Isn't a mother supposed to be there for you when you need them? Not leave you alone in a park so that you fend for yourself and have people just sit there and gaze at him as if you were an animal at the fucking zoo.
Goddamnit! Isn't a mother supposed to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright you're your life turns to complete chaos that's even worse than hell its self.
Yes they fucking are!! So I ask again, what the fuck I'm I even doing here?!
I rip my hands away from my face and push myself out of the fucking uncomfortably hard chairand run out of the hospital doors ignoring the yells and screams of Garrett.
Evidently I'm not fast enough though, for Garrett grabs onto me and yanks on my arm forcing my body to turn towards him.
"Where do you think you're going?" He roars and spits in my face.
"Let me go, Garrett. I have no reason to be here," I try to pull my arm away from him, but he grips onto it even tighter, digging his fingers into my skin.
"Your mother is here, Edward! Your dying mother," he yells letting my arm go.
"Why should I fucking care," I yell back at him, even louder and more powerful than he did.
"Ed-"
"No Garrett, I don't know any Elizabeth Mason, alright? I never have had a mother and that woman in there is defiantly not her. She's not even an acquaintance. She's nothing but a nuisance. She's just the woman that I had to take care of because she couldn't even take care of herself. She's nothing to me. For all I care my mother died when she gave birth to me." I can feel my pulse racing with rage.
"So you're just going to leave your mom? Is that how it's going to work? When you don't want to face something you leave?" Garrett throws his hand up in the air in frustration.
"She really shouldn't be too surprised considering she's a fucking pro at it herself," I turn to walk away from him yet again.
"Fine! Be a god damn pussy! Leave! It's because you can't take your shit out on her, huh? Like you did with Bella?" Garrett taunts and I stop dead in my tracks and march right back up to him.
"Shut the fuck up Garrett. You have no fucking clue what you're talking about," The words spit out of my mouth and into in his face
"I think I do, man. You love fucking people's lives over don't you?"
"I didn't fuck up her life, she fucked up mine!" We both know that I'm not talking only about my "mother" any longer.
I couldn't fall asleep. I mean, who could after what just happened?
Well, yeah never mind, pretty much anyone could fall asleep after having sex, but I couldn't. Not because I wasn't tired, but because I was afraid of closing my eyes - afraid that everything that happened was a dream.
I was so sure that it was. It sure as hell felt like it was.
Plus, it seems that anytime I do close my eyes, the nightmares come. The ones that plague my dreams every single night - that remind me constantly of the things that I've done.
I pulled Bella closer into my chest and let my hand trace up and down her bare spine. I heard her sigh deeply into my chest and looked down to see a smile on her face as she scooted even closer to me.
I still couldn't believe what had happened. Even though Bella is right here in my arms, I still can't believe that she loves me. I just don't get it, if I was her, I would've ran the other way; I would've stayed as far from me as possible, but she didn't. She came running right for me instead. Despite everything, she came for me.
I began to nuzzle my face into her hair smelling the delicious aroma of freesias wishing that we could've had this a long time ago – that I told her how I felt when I wanted to instead of holding back. If I told her back in high school like I wanted to, things would be so much different. It's hard to even begin to tell you how different our lives could've been if I told her how much I loved her than.
Our lives could've been so different even if I still never told her, but if I didn't give into James and his taunts against her.
I mean, the things he came up with were so far beyond the things that I did to her. Every time he came up with some sick joke to pull on her I had to convince him to do something else and quickly before he stuck with his ideas. In no way does that make up for what I did, because even though my ideas weren't as bad as James', I still did them.
I still caused her pain when I should've of been protecting her from it. I made her cry when I should've been the one to make her laugh. I was supposed to be her best friend and I turned into her worst enemy.
Can you see why I'm so shocked and amazed that I have this woman right now, lying in my arms, telling me how much she loved me.
She should hate me.
Fuck, I hate me!
Bella moved again taking me out my self-loathing, but this time it seemed like she hissed in pain, while asleep, but this causes her eyes to flutter open.
"Edward?" she asked, her voice laced with sleep.
"Yeah?" I still wasn't too sure if she was really awake or sleep talking like usual. That is until she sets up rubbing her eyes to look at me more clearly.
"Are you okay?" She must've noticed the look of distress that passed across my face. Covering herself with the sheet, she straddled my lap, but not without me noticing the slight pain that came over her face, but she hid it well. Something I used to be good at doing too, but now, now it's too hard to keep it hidden.
"I'm not sure," I mumbled more to myself than her.
"What do you mean?" she grabbed my face in her hands and rubbed soothing circles under my eyes.
"It's…huh…I-I don't get it, Bella." I took her hands away from my face grabbing them in my own to pull them down into my lap. I didn't remove my stare from our hands though.
"Don't get what?" She didn't remove her eyes off me as I played with her fingers.
"I don't know how you can so easily forgive me – acting like nothing happened," I looked back up at her. "I mean after everything I've done. After everything I did to you I don't…" I couldn't even finish what I was saying.
"Edward, after my mom left my dad, he would constantly go around saying, 'I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive.' I never understood exactly what he was talking about. I didn't know if that was his way of saying that he would never forgive my mom, or if he was trying to tell himself that he needed to forgive and forget. That he needed to move on," she put her hand under my chin so that she could look into my eyes before continuing on, "but for me, I know that I want to forgive and forget. I don't want to be reminded of the mistakes or the pain. I really do want to move on from this, so will you please forget with me? For me?" She whispered as her eyes became glossy with unshed tears.
"That's just it Bella, I won't ever forget what I did to you. I hate myself beyond my own understanding. I don't think that I'll ever be able to forgive myself."
Bella didn't say anything. She merely moved her hands out of mine so she could grip my face again and brought our lips together in a soft gentle kiss.
We both knew that this wasn't going to be easy. It was going to take time for either of us to truly move on.
God knows I want to.
"Mr. Cullen, you can go see her now." A blond nurse tells me.
My breathing picks up as I shakily push myself out of my seat. Garrett proceeds to stand up with me, but I shake my head at him. He understands what I'm saying.
I need to do this on my own.
I don't think about anything else.
I don't notice anyone else
It begins to feel like I'm gliding down the hall towards her room, not paying any attention to the fact that my feet are actually moving.
That is, until I reach her door.
There's no way I would ever be prepared for what I now see.
There're machines spread all across the room beeping and humming, trying to keep her alive. Monitors are keeping track of her heartbeat and blood levels. The thing is…her heart isn't beating steadily like a normal heart. Her beats are irregular.
There, lying in a white sheeted bed is a woman with tubes going up her nose and an IV plunging deep into a vein in her arm. Her body is sucking down the fluids in the IV bag like a vampire as it continues making soft dripping noises matching the beat of the rain drops hitting the room's window.
She looks so small and frail compared to the things in the room trying to keep her heart beating.
She looks so…
Pale and cold.
Sick and weak.
Scared and alone.
I actually feel bad for her.
She doesn't notice that I'm in the room with her as she's curled up on her side looking out the window, out into the cold, miserable weather.
I can't take it. Just seeing her lying on the bed looking so sick is making me sick. Not in the actual sense of "I'm so sick I could throw up" kind of way, but sick with myself. Disgusted with myself.
She's making me feel guilty?!
Making me feel guilty that I didn't want to come to see her. For feeling like she deserves what has happen to her.
I turn on my heel to leave the room when I small cry stops me dead in my tracks.
"Edward?" It's so soft that it's surprising that I even hear it. I take a deep breath and sigh heavily really wanting to leave, but not able to.
Licking my lips in frustration, I turn back slowly to look at her.
"Edward? Is it really you?"
I don't move from where I stand at the door way looking at her. I don't even know how to move.
"Edward" She breathes a whisper. She knows that it's me. No use to denying it anymore. I nod my head at last as I avert my eyes away from her.
**************
How long has it been? An hour? Two? Three?
I've been sitting here in silence ever since I arrived.
In deafening, fucking silence.
Well, silence except for the irritating heart monitor.
Neither of us is saying anything. Both of us are just sitting here waiting for the other one to make the first move. I keep my eyes straight ahead of me trying to burn a fucking escape hole through the plain, boring, ass, white wall.
It feels so weird sitting in this room with this woman who used to be my "mother", but all she feels like now is a stranger. A complete and total stranger; you know the kind that you are taught to avoid back in school.
All I can focus on is a little piece of wallpaper that's barely hanging onto the wall begging me to peal it off. Rip it away from the wall that it's attached to, holding it down.
"Edward-Edward; please look at me." I hear her beg, but I make no movement.
"I-I can't." I see her out of the corner of my eye sadly nod her head as I bow down my own feeling slightly ashamed that I can't even look at my own "mother".
I hear I sob escape her throat before she replies, "I understand."
Its barley a whisper. I could barely make it out because of her sniffles.
She understands!
Does she really?
Does she really know that she has fucked up my life? Does she know that I could've avoided so many bad things that have happened these past few years if she just stayed sober? If she actually took care of me like a mother should rather than ditching me when I became too much of a burden for her than I wouldn't be the fuck up I am now!
Like shit she understands!
"No…No you don't."
Neither Bella nor I said anything for a few minutes after her gentle kiss. I don't think either of us knew what to say. We both badly wanted to move on and away from everything in the past, but how can you forget something like that so easily. It was going to take time.
Lots of time.
It seemed that Bella was more readily to forgive me than I was to forgive myself.
I know what I did to her was horrible, fuck, it was worse than horrible; it was god damn-…ah fuck – I don't even have a word to describe how atrocious I was to her.
It wasn't like I was blind that I couldn't see the pain that I was causing her all those times. I just really didn't want to see it, or believe it.
I know, fucking stupid right?
I was scared to death though. All those years ago, I was terrified that she was going to leave me like my mom did. Abandon me completely, so when I heard that she "slept with Felix", I did the only thing I could think of to do – hurt her, before she could hurt me even more.
Do you not see why I can't forgive myself as easily as she so seems can easily forgive me?
Dose she even really forgive me?
That's the real question, isn't it?
She never really came out and said it. She did say that she wanted to move on, but that doesn't mean that she has forgiven me.
"Bella, there's something I want to ask you."
"What is it?" She pulled away from me with a worried expression written across her face.
"I know you're probably sick of talking about it, but I have to know. Do you forgive me?"
"I-I…umm…no." She stuttered at first, but the no came out as clear as day. I slowly nod my head not looking at her. "Edward, I do want to forgive and forget like I said before, but it's going to take time. I do love you. I really do. I have for the longest time, but the things that you did. Everything that happened, it's not going to vanish like that.
"I understand that it's going to take time for us to get passed this, I just wanted to know. I needed to know, so that I can make it up to you. I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I want to make everything right again. I love you, Bella." I gave her a soft chaste kiss.
"All I need is you." She whispered against my lips.
I pulled Bella into my chest where she placed a small kiss before replacing her lips with her cheek. I wrapped my arms more snuggly around her tiny frame letting the whole palm of my hand rub her back. I took comfort in the feeling of her soft delicate skin underneath my large hands. It just felt so smooth and I didn't ever want to stop touching her.
That day back at the park a few months ago when I was saying those awful things about her being like my mom was a terrible lie. She wasn't like my mom, I was. I was the one that was exactly like her.
I hurt the person I loved.
Why did I even come back? What am I expecting?
When I left yesterday, I should've stayed away, but…I can't. I still haven't gotten my answers and today, no matter what, I'm going to get them.
The same nurse from yesterday tells me again that I can go see Elizabeth. I don't take my time this time. I know where I'm going and I know what I'm doing.
I'm going to get this all done and over with. Get my answers than leave. Simple as that.
I push the door out of my way and make my way over to her.
"Edward? I didn't think you'd--"
"Elizabeth," she has no right to being titled mom, "I only came back for one reason. That reason being is that I want some answers from you." I firmly stand my ground. I know I sound harsh, but I don't care.
"I figured you would and I'll tell you anything you want to know."
I sneer as I pull out a chair and seat myself as far away from her as possible.
"So, where do you want me to start?" She asks playing with the white sheets of her bed.
"How about we start with 'where the fuck have you been?'!" My voice is loud, but I'm not yelling or screaming. Yet, that is.
"Fair enough." She sighs. "After I cleaned up I came here."
"And how long have you been clean?"
"I've been one hundred percent drug and alcohol free for about ten years now." She tells me trying to hide her pride. It wasn't a mocking type of pride, but more of a…I don't know, I can just tell that she's extremely happy for herself for her accomplishments.
"That's what I was hoping you wouldn't say." I mumble grumpily folding my arms across my chest. Don't get me wrong, her being sober is a good thing…I guess. It's what I'm working towards, it's just…complicated.
"Why?" she asks me and it's as if that simple question was the key opening the flood gates.
"Because you've been less than four hours away from me for the past ten years, Elizabeth. TEN!" I cry out. "Did you really hate me that much that you couldn't drive up at least once in your life to see me? Or even pick up a fucking phone? You could've let me know that you are okay and that I'm not a total fuck-up in your life. To at least tell me why you did it - why you left me alone that night in the park."
Thinking I'm done, Elizabeth opens her mouth to speak, but I'm not done, so I shut her up before she can say something.
"Elizabeth, I was only seven years old. Seven! Do you understand what that can do to a little boy? I feel like I'm not good for anybody anymore. I feel as if nothing I do will make anyone happy and they will all leave me in the end like so many people already have."
"Edward, what I did, leaving you, I did it for a reason...I did it for you," she declares.
"Ah…that's a load of bull shit!" I shush her, my voice becoming loud and thunderous, "And you fucking know it."
"You don't have to believe me if you don't want to, but it's the truth." Elizabeth's voice is tight along with her body, trying to keep control of herself.
"I knew I was a horrible mother. I wasn't that brainless not to notice what I was doing to you, Edward. I hated coming home wasted or high every night only to have you be the one to take care of me. It bothered so much because I knew that it was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be the one to take care of you. Not the other way around. Every time I would come home drunk, you'd hold my hair back for me as I puked. Every time I would yell and scream at you for no reason other than because I needed a fix, you would clean up the house and try to make me something for dinner just to make me happy." Her breaths are long and heavy now as her control is beginning to waver off.
"Back when I was doing drugs, I wasn't in with good people as you can probably guess. I would do anything I could to get drugs or money to buy drugs. And I mean anything. --- But there was this one man that I would always go to because he always had the good stuff that I wanted that no one else had. The thing was in order for me to get it; I would have to sleep with him."
"Aaannnddd…why are you telling me this?" I rub my forehead with the palm of my hand and toss it in the air in annoyance and frustration. Why she thinks that telling me about her sex life will help is beyond me. It's only making this worse. I don't want to hear how she sold herself like that!
"God damn it just listen to me, Edward!" her voice becomes vicious, snapping at me. "I'm trying to explain myself to you and you are making that really difficult. This is already hard enough!"
I silently wait for her to continue. After another heavy sigh, she does.
"Now, even though I know he had a wife and children, I still did it." My eyes open wide with shock and outrage. As I'm about to yell and scowl her for being so fucking stupid , her hand rises and stops me before I can even open my mouth.
"I know, I was more than screwed up, I was completely fucked up. It wasn't until one late night that I finally realized just how fucked up I was. I actually saw that I wasn't just screwing up my life, but yours and this family's life as well."
"What happened?" My own voice has no emotion to it as I ask. It's so monotone and dull.
"Umm...I was with him… and we were, well you know and I had heard a small nose come from the doorway. I had looked over his shoulder to see this boy. He looked to be maybe only a couple years older than you, standing there with…I don't even know. He had so many things running across his face. Hurt, sadness, rage, disgust, and all I could picture was you. How would I feel if it was you that walked in and saw me selling myself for a drug that was ruining my life? I never felt so filthy…so…so disgusting." She finally lets her tears fall down her face. She hurriedly wipes them away as fast as she can, more than likely not wanting me to see them.
"I left you at that park, not because I didn't want you or because I hated you, but it was because I loved you so much that I did it." I see her teary eyed face look into my blank one through my peripheral vision. I stay still not knowing really what to say or do.
"I-I got to go." Without another word I stand up and run out of the building not looking back. I need time to process it all. To take everything in.
There's still so much I need to know, but there's only so much I can take in at a time.
"She came to talk to me you know." I finally spoke after complete silence had filled the room for a few minutes. I knew Bella wasn't asleep. Neither of us could sleep right now, not with so much on our minds.
"Huh?" Bella lifted her head up off my shoulder to look at me.
"My mom. She went to Forks wanting to talk to me back when we first started high school. To explain herself."
"Did she?" Bella raised an eyebrow slightly.
"No, she never got the chance. She tried on many occasions to try to approach me, but was always held back, than finally one day, she decided it was best to let life move on."
"What do you mean?"
"She tried to talk to me back when we were first starting high school. She came back wanting to tell me everything."
"Why didn't she?"
"She found out how much I had hated her." Bella's eyes opened wide in reorganization.
"You-you mean the day at the park? She was there?" I nodded my head slowly while licking my lips.
"Yeah, she was there hiding behind some stupid tree. She heard everything."
Bella began to bite her lip and moved away from me, sitting up against the headboard. "Why didn't she come out and say something? Why did she stay hidden behind a tree?"
I was about to say something before Bella stopped me. "It was because of me wasn't it? Because I was there?" Bella stiffened and buried her face in her hands.
I knew at that moment what she was thinking. That because of her my mom wouldn't come out to talk to me. That she was the one who scared my mom off, but that wasn't it.
"Hey, hey, hey…" I tipped Bella's face back up with my forefinger under her chin so that she would look at me, "It's not like you scared her off Bella. I was the one to do that. Not you. The reason she didn't come out that night was because of the fact that she only wanted it to be me and her when we talked. She knew that I wouldn't be able to take seeing her well, and didn't want to embarrass me in front of you." I inhaled deeply, "She was right. I didn't take seeing her well at all when I finally did go see her."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Bella took my hand and intertwined our fingers together.
I let out an anxious laugh, "There's not much to say. How do you think I would've reacted? I was totally selfish thinking about all the things she's done to me and how my life was so bad, while there laid my mom in a hospital bed dying because she couldn't get a heart."
"What was wrong with her Edward? You never talk about her expect for that one time." I take a deep breath ready to respond to her but she stops me.
"If you don't want to I understand," she said quickly.
"No, it's fine. Bella, my mom, her heart – she was suffering with heart disease so her heart was weak. It was giving out on her, it just didn't want to beat like a normal heart should and she was one of the people near the bottom of the list. We knew that she wasn't going to receive her heart in time. It was becoming too late, so all we could do was wait." I spoke softly never taking my gaze off our intertwined fingers.
"I'm such and idiot, Bella. My mom had gone through so much fucking shit and I treated her like shit because she was trying to do what was best for me." It was then I finally removed my eyes off our hands and looked up into Bella's face.
"Did you know that she left me at the park on purpose? In fact she knew about Esme and that she couldn't have children. My mom practically studied Carlisle and Esme before leaving me. She wanted to make sure I had the best life possible." It was true. My mom really did make sure that Esme and Carlisle were the best people to raise me for her. She gathered as much information as she possibly could, she practically stalked them, and when she found out that Esme couldn't have kids, and she knew that Esme deserved one.
"Some life huh?" I scoffed at myself, "I ended up destroying it."
"You didn't destroy it Edward." Bella cupped my face in her hands. "It's merely sorely wounded, but all wounds heal. No matter how deep the cuts are or how dark the bruises get, they will heal."
"Yeah, well, I wish they could heal sooner rather than later."
"Edward, you will get through this, like everything else; like you did with your alcoholism and me with my bulimia." She took my hand and placed it on her face, "We will get through all of this."
I didn't really say anything all I did was let my fingers rub along her cheek before she started talking again.
"If your mother told you why she was leaving you at the park when she left you there would you have listened? Would you even understand why she did it?"
If only she knew, this was the question I ask myself constantly.
"I would like to believe that I would've but I don't think I would. I think that my brain still would tell me that she didn't want me. Hell, my brain was still telling me that even after she told me."
"But I think that's because of how you kept telling yourself that is why she left you, and after telling yourself that she didn't want you so much, you believed to be true, so even when she told you all your brain would read it as was a lie."
"What about you Bella?"
"What about me?" I dropped my hands from her face as she pulled her knees to her chest.
"I mean, after telling yourself for years that I hated you and that you weren't good enough, how did you handle it when you found out the truth?"
"I'm not going to lie; it hurt like hell when I found out that you actually believed that I slept with Felix," Bella clutched her knees tighter to her chest. "Then I was, well, I still am sort of pissed that you treated me like shit because of it. Instead of having the decency to ask me if it was true, you believed him. I mean, c'mon Edward, of all people you had to believe the one that treated you like shit."
"I was stupid, I know, we've established that. A really stupid fuck. I knew deep down I should've talked to you and I wanted to, but there was still this greater darker side of me that believed it." I pushed up off the bed and moved so that I sat on the edge of it with my shoulder's slouched, looking down at the ground. "I didn't really have a strong trust with woman after my mom, or really anyone. I believed that every time I got close to someone they would leave. And for that, as soon as Felix said something about you two, I believed it. I was afraid to lose another person I loved, so I did the only thing I could think of, hurt you before you could hurt me more."
Neither of us said anything or moved. I don't think Bella knew what to say after that. I gave her a good reason to leave now.
Leave me.
I finally tell her the truth and it feels like the lamest excuse in the world. Fuck it probably is. I would leave too if I were her.
Bella finally shifted from her spot and I really thought she was going to leave, so I shut my eyes tightly and placed my head on my arms not wanting to see her go. Instead of hearing the door shut I felt her lips kissing my shoulder blade where my tattoo laid and up my neck before she placed her chin on my shoulder and wrapped her arms around my waist. I let my hand intertwine again with hers as I let myself enjoy the feel of her warm body pressed into mine.
"I wouldn't and could never hurt you. Not seriously anyways." She teased. "I loved you too much to do that. No matter how badly I wanted to back then, I couldn't. I still loved too much to do anything. I guess you didn't feel as deeply as I did."
"Don't say that. I was madly in love with you Bella. I still am, but I think that's why I took everything so badly. I thought that you never loved me, that you could never love me. That's one of the reasons I was so afraid of coming back in the first place."
"Edward" Bella tried to get me to look at her but I wouldn't.
"Edward." She said more firmly gripping tightly onto my face and turned it so I was looking at her. "If you never came back, I honestly don't know where I would be right now. I would more than likely be alone while I watched Emmett and everyone else fall in love, get married, have children all those things.
"You feel this?" Bella grabs hold of my hand and places it directly over her heart where I feel it fluttering violently at my touch. "If you never came back my heart wouldn't beat like this. It would probably be more stone-like than anything, but you and you alone make my heart beat. You make me fell alive. You always have. I didn't think I would ever feel this way again, the way I felt when we were younger, but when you came back, you brought the feeling back. The feeling of what it's like to be in love."
I couldn't hold myself back as I flew at Bella kissing her with a heat-searing kiss pushing her back against the mattress but at the same time holding her close to me, never letting go.
After awhile we pulled back to gain some air but neither of us moved from our position. Her hands wrapped around my neck playing with my hair as I moved some of hers out of her face before leaning down to kiss her jaw line.
"Edward?"
"Yeah?" I ask not removing my lips off her skin.
"Why did you come back? Not that I'm not happy that you did, but you could've gone anywhere to move on with your life. Why did you come back here with us?" I pull away to look directly down at her.
"My mom. I made her a promise."
"What kind of promise?"
"One that I'm bound and determined to keep now." I bowed my head down to hers again kissing her deeply.
She eagerly pushed herself into my kiss licking my lips lightly before I opened my mouth sliding my tongue against hers.
I let my hand run up her thigh under the sheet that was covering it as her hand flew across my chest before she let them slide down my sides. It felt amazing. That is, until she hit an already sore spot – a gash on my side that wasn't deep but it hurt just as painful as a deep paper cut on your finger.
I winced in pain trying to hide it by kissing her harder, but she still tensed and ripped her lips away from mine, creating a tearing sound.
"I'm so sorry, are you okay?" she asked urgently looking at my sore body.
"I'm great." I mumbled as I pressed my lips against hers trying to act like nothing happened. I knew what this was going to lead into.
Questions.
Questions that she may or may not want answers too.
"I don't think you are." Bella talked against my lips as I kissed the side of her mouth.
"Edward, are you going to tell me what happened? And don't try to avoid the question or say it's nothing."
With a heavy sigh I pulled my face back away.
"Okay, but promise me you won't freak out." I brushed hair out of her face, but as soon as I said that, she pushed herself up leaning on the palms of her hands behind her.
"Why? What is it?"
"There's no simple way of putting this but I got into a fight…with Felix."
"Edward!"
"I need to tell you the whole story before you start saying things. There are reasons to why we hate each other so much these days, reasons to why I came home like this."
I've been coming back to visit Elizabeth for a few weeks now. Garrett's been coming back with me each time. He's like my support service I guess you could say. Anytime I want to give up and leave, he's there forcing me to stay.
I don't know if I hate him for it, or if deep down I really appreciate what he's doing.
As for Elizabeth and I, I don't know how I feel yet. I know that with each visit and each conversation we have, either civilized or not, I can feel my grudge against her slowly slipping. So as of right now I think it's safe to say that I'm indifferent towards her. We both still have things to talk about and discuss and we better do it soon because of the fact that her each day her heart is slowly giving out. It was only a matter of time before it stops completely. We all know that there's no chance of her getting a heart. There's just not enough time.
"Edward?"
"Yeah?" I turned to look at her dropping the magazine I'm looking at.
"There are some things I really need to tell you and talk about before….before…." she's struggling with saying it out loud so I say something to stop this struggle.
"What is it?"
"First off, I need to tell you that I had met someone." Her small smile didn't go unnoticed as she said this, "someone who really helped me out while I was recovering."
"And who was this someone?"
"His name was Jamie Thrace - Corporal Thrace of the U.S Marines."
"A military man huh?" I smile at her.
"Yep, a good one, too. He was strong and brave; he once took a bullet to his shoulder after saving a young boy from getting shot. Jamie, he was very caring and compassionate about the things that were important to him including the people he loved. He was an amazing man."
"Sounds like he's something."
"Yes, yes he was. Edward, he was the only man I ever fell in love with." Elizabeth closed her eyes briefly as if picturing him in her head as she gave herself a watery smile.
"He was there for me when I had no one else; when I was about to give up on myself. He was there helping me with the hardship of wanting to see you and then dealing with the things that I heard at the park when I did go to see you. God Edward, he held me back when I needed a fix and didn't judge me when he saw me falling apart. Jamie, he…he didn't leave me even after it happened."
"After what happened?"
She doesn't respond immediately. She merely looks out the window to avoid eye contact with me and I watch a single tear slowly falls down her face.
This isn't good.
"Elizabeth, what happened?" My voice becomes firm and strained as I demand to know. Whatever happened couldn't have been good.
She still doesn't say anything but cringes instead and a few more tears fall faster down her face.
She doesn't remove her eyes from the window and her hands clutches tighter onto the sheets wrapped around her, "I…I was raped."
"AGAIN?! By who? Who the FUCK would do that to you?" I'm yelling now, not able to control my outrage and my disgust for whoever the fuck this sickening person is. I just can't believe that this has to have happened to her again. What is wrong with sick fucks in this world that they have to do something like this?
"He's name is… Royce King." She cries softly into the sheets that she brought up to her face hiding the pain away from me.
"Royce King." I say softly at first, "King? You mean as in the owner of King's Bank? As in James and Felix King's FATHER?!"
She nods.
Yes, she fucking nods.
"Wha-why?!" I breathlessly let out stuttering and stumbling my way through it.
Elizabeth removed her face from the blanket and stubbornly scratched the back of her neck, "Royce, well he was my dealer and I guess I owed him still or at least that's what he told me." She sighs, "He wanted money from me, money that I didn't have.
"Jamie found me curled up in a ball on the floor with no clothes on and I was so sure that he would've been repulsed by me, but he wasn't. He took care of me. Washed me off of all the filth that covered me, stayed with me even though I wouldn't let him talk to me or touch me, but when I finally opened up to him again and told him everything- when I finally let him touch me again" Her lip begins to quiver as her voice shakes and cracks, "he just held me the whole time as I cried."
It's than Elizabeth breaks down in front of me. Crying like I've never seen anyone cry in my life. It's hard to simply stand there and do nothing when this woman in front of me is falling apart, so what do I do?
I actually go up to her and wrap my arms around her.
Something I never thought I would do. I'm hugging my mother, telling her that everything is going to be alright.
When her cries slow down I ask her, "Why didn't you ever go to the police?"
"Jamie wanted me to, but I was too afraid," Elizabeth pulls away from me. "Royce has so much money that I'm sure he would buy his way out of prison and come after me again and I didn't want that."
I feel so angry. I really want to toss things around the room in rage, but I settle for pushing myself up off her bed and pacing around the room clenching my hands into tight fists.
"Well,…I'm not going to let this happen. I'm not going to let a guilty man get way with what he has done to you, and I'm sure he has done to other woman as well. Plus, do you know that he sells drugs to minors? Elizabeth, he sold drugs to me! Now I'm sure that I can go in and say something along with others. Maybe we could even see if there was other –"
"Edward," She stops my rant, "that's not it." I furrow my eyebrows together in utter confusion. What else could've happened?
"Two months later-"
Deep breath
Oh fuck
"I found out that I was pregnant, and it isn't Jamie's."
I fall back onto an open chair running one and through my hair down to my neck before gripping onto it tightly. "You mean…"
"Yes, Edward, you have a baby sister."
"So you didn't-"
"No…No, I didn't get an abortion." She shook her head at me. "To be honest I couldn't."
"What do you mean you couldn't, weren't you going to do the same thing to me?" I snarl at her not really meaning too and I instantly regret doing so when I see her cower away from me.
"Yes." Elizabeth whispers barely audible.
"So why was she any different than me? Why couldn't you go through with her like you were going to do with me?" I don't hiss or snarl at her this time. This time it's a genuine question that I want to know.
"Jamie told me that it was my choice and that he would stick behind me know no matter what I decided, so I decided to keep her. I really do believe that if Jamie could, he would've stayed with me no matter what. Jamie, he helped me with my unborn child. He did everything he could to help out, like taking me to doctors appointments, dealt with all my weird food cravings, he even took me to birthing classes. You got to understand, this time I wasn't alone, like I was with you."
It's than that I knew exactly what she's trying to get at. It made sense, I guess. With me, she really was alone after the attack, than she thought she had her mother to help her out, but once her mom died, she really was alone. No one was there to help her stay on her feet, or talk her through the whole pregnancy thing.
This time though, she did. She did have someone that held her hand and took care of her. That someone being Jamie.
"Edward, for all that I care, Alexis is Jamie's daughter. Period. That sick fuck had nothing to do with Alexis, nor will he ever." She's heaving with thick heavy breaths.
"God damnit Edward, Jamie was supposed to be the father of my child!" She cries out her face red with anger.
"Elizabeth?" I speak up after a few minutes of silence when something dawned on me.
She kept referring to Jamie in past tense.
Jamie was.
Jamie did.
What about now?
"Where's Jamie?" Once I ask this there is a whole new round of tears that fall from her already red, sore eyes.
"Just after Alexis was born, he was sent to Iraq with his unit, than a couple of months later…I…I had soldiers on my doorstep telling me that he died in combat." I hug her again, knowing that anyone, no matter whom you are, needs comfort when they lose someone they love. Who knows, maybe because losing that someone is the whole reason they were in the mess they were in.
I know it was that way for me.
"We were going to get married, Edward!" she cries into my neck practically ripping my shirt this time with her fingers. "He proposed to me before he left. He promised nothing would happen. He promised me," she rasps out and I let her bring it all out. The nurses come in and were going to give her drugs to calm her down, but I shake my head at them telling them to leave us.
She needs to let everything out. It can't be easy going through all the things that she has gone through. She has had so much more shit happen to her than has ever happened to me.
Now I feel like a complete ass for thinking that she deserved what happened to her. I'm completely wrong; no one deserves to go through all the things that she has gone through.
After calming down, Elizabeth pulled back from me. Reaching behind her neck, Elizabeth unclasps something.
A necklace.
After kissing the pendants of whatever was on the silver chain she takes my hand and places it into the palm of my hands, and pressed my fingers closed around it.
"I want you to have these." She tells me.
I slowly open my hand again pulling out the necklace and look at the dog tags. At first I think that it may be Jamie's dog tags from the military, but they aren't. It's something else.
I look closer to what's written upon them.
It's not enough just to live.
There has to be something to live for
I look up at my mom with furrowed brows.
"Jamie, he made those for me just before he left."
"If he made these for you, I don't want to-" I begin to hand them back to her, but she stops me by folding my fingers around the tags again.
"No, no Edward, he knew everything about you. I told him everything, and when the time came for him to leave, he left them with me saying that, I was his life. That without me, there would be no reason for him to exist, just like with you and me, Edward. You are what I lived for, I made myself get better for you, so that I could see you again and tell you that I love you and that I do care about you." She reached her hand up to my cheek and wiped a tear that I didn't even know was there.
"I-I don't know what to say."
"Just take it. I need you to know that I will always be there for you, I always have been there, even if you didn't see me."
I sniffle and wipe my face with my hand, nodding my head at her.
"And Edward? Whatever happened, I'm sure it will work out in the end."
This caught me off guard. "What do you mean?"
"I can see it in your eyes. You've been through a lot and you hurt. Don't give up on her."
"How-how did you know?"
"I'm a mother. I can tell when my son is hurting because of a girl. Plus, at the park…I saw it in both your eyes, how much you care about each other. It's the same look I would see in Jamie's every time I caught him looking at me."
"Both?" I take my eyes off her and look down at the tags in my hands, playing with them as I continued to mumble, "You must be wrong, she doesn't-" she stops my talking by taking my face in both her hands this time forcing me to look at her.
"Yes, both. You both love each other and I can tell you still love her, otherwise you wouldn't be hurting as badly as you are."
"Edward, can you promise me something? I know that it may seem farfetched for me to be asking you for anything, but still, will you promise me that you will fight for her, to never give up on her? That you will go back for her? Promise me that once you have her, you will never let her go and always be there for her no matter what. Finally promise me that you will show her how much you love her every day for the rest of your life, and even after. Can you do that?"
I would love more than anything to able to tell her that I will fully do what she is asking, but I don't know if I can. I've fucked everything up, but I can promise one thing at least,
"I'll try."
I had told Bella everything about my mom. About when I first went to see her to when I found out about Alexis and about Jamie and Royce.
My head was lying on her chest as she let her fingers run through my hair, while I listened to the steady beat of her heart.
"What happened with Felix was because I sent his father to jail, not only for raping my mom, but along with 9 other woman, and for selling to minors. They had so much against him that when they were holding him, they wouldn't let Royce post bail. Than the actual trail came and we had 4 of the woman he raped testify. The others didn't want anything to do with it. Lastly, than there was me, I testified against Royce for selling drugs to minors."
"How long does he have? His sentence I mean." Bella softly asked, never stopping her hand movements in my hair.
"Life, with no chance of parole."
"So, that's why Felix hates you so much." Bella replies with understanding.
"Yeah, I took away the only parental figure he had left. But I never understood how he could love his father in the first place, after everything he did. Felix blamed me and my mom for splitting his family apart when he was younger, but really it was his own father.
"I understand that Felix has had a hard life, but he doesn't understand that I've had one just as difficult. But the thing that drove me over the edge, that made me so pissed off at him. That made me go after him in the first place last night was the fact that he made me drive you away again. I thought that you were gone for good and that you were never going to come back. I thought for sure that you were going to stay away."
"I'm here Edward, and I'm not going anywhere. Well, that is unless Jensen Ackles or Cam Gigandet come knock on my door, than your outta luck." She giggled trying to lighten the mood with her playful teasing. I moved so that I was hovering above her.
"You do know that if either of them come knocking on your door I'll kick their asses."
"Jealous are we?" She gave me a little smirk as she rubbed my arms.
"You know I am. When I said that I was never going to let you go I meant it. No one else can have you. Your mine." I teased her back with a possessive tone, my face mere inches away from hers.
Bella leaned up and kissed me softly before whispering against my lips, "I know I am."
"Edward? Edward?" I hear my mom calling my name, but it sounds like she is miles away rather than right next to me.
We both know that it couldn't be much longer. We know it's coming.
I still don't say anything.
How can she be okay with this, be okay that she doesn't have much longer to live?
The doctor had come in and after running some tests we found out that her heart is about to give out. She doesn't have much time left.
Not much at all.
Her heart's slowing down faster and faster by the minute; eventually it's going to be too weak to pump at all.
"How can you be alright with all this? Especially with a baby girl at home?" I finally ask her after I finally come back down to the real world.
"I've lived my life. Sure at first when I heard that I had heart disease, you can only imagine how upset I was especially after the life I've had. I thought it was horrible for God to see it so fit to have something like this happen on top of everything else, but there is nothing I can do. I've learnt to deal with it, to accept what's happening. I can feel it coming closer, Edward; I know that it's going to happen so, so there's one last thing I need to talk to you about."
"What is it?"
"Alexis. She's yours Edward."
"What? Um…no…I can't." I shook my head fiercely at her.
"Edward, Please? She needs you. I need you to take care of her for me, give her the life that I can't give her anymore." My mom's face is covered in a light shine of cold sweat as she rushes through the next part as I try to interrupt her, "Right now she's staying with Jamie's sister, Tracy. Now, she has all the papers ready for you to sign to legally adopt Alexis."
"I can't!" I try to plead with her, "You have to understand, I have issues with myself that I have to work out. I don't think I'm the right person to be raising a child!"
"You're perfect, honey, and you don't have to do it alone. You have people that will help you when you need it."
"Like who? I don't have anyone that would be willing to help me out."
"You've got me, man." Garrett enters into the room and stands next to me. "Kate and I will help you out, granted I don't know how much Kate will, but I will. You don't have to be alone in this."
"I won't be alone in this, because this is insane!" I toss my hands up in the air as I stare at my mom and Garrett. "I-I don't know how to take care of myself, let alone a 17 month old child!"
"If anyone can do it, you can." Elizabeth tells me. Her voice is extremely shaky that it starts to worry me. "You know what she deserves. You know that she deserves a happy life full of love and surrounded by people that care about her. She needs people around to show her what life is like. What's it like to have and be in love. She needs a father Edward, and I don't want it to be some stranger because who knows what can happen then."
My mom grabs onto my hand and holds it with both of hers.
They were so cold and pale.
I let my eyes move from our hands up to her dull green eyes that were full of pain and sadness, pleading for me to do this. To not leave this little girl alone – to give her everything she deserves.
I can't say no.
I slowly nod my head, "Okay, I'll do it."
"Thank you." My mom whispers so softly that I could barely hear her, than it happens.
Her eyes roll into the back of her head as it falls flat against her bed.
NO!
"No! Mom…mom. Don't leave me! DON'T GO!" I yell at her, "HELP! WE NEED A DOCTOR!!" I scream out as loud as I can and Garrett runs out of the room to get some help.
I clutch tightly to my mom trying to keep her here with me. Trying not to lose her.
Not yet.
Not yet.
"I just got you back mom. Please don't leave me alone again." I whimper my face buried into her arm.
I feel her hand come up and rest on my cheek wiping away tears.
"I love you Edward, you will always be my baby boy. Please, don't give up. Never give up." Next thing I knew her hand falls away from my face and all I can her is the sound of her heart monitor flat lining. It seemed like everything was going in slow motion.
Nurses and doctors pushed me away grabbing the paddles, trying to start my mom's heart back up. I want to run over to her and make them try harder than it seems like they are doing, but Garrett comes back into the room holding me back.
My hands are shoved up in my hair pulling at the roots. I didn't know what else to do with them.
I begin pacing back and forth crying.
I start screaming as I hear one of the doctors call it and I start to charge after him wanting him to keep trying, to not give up on her, but I'm stopped again by Garrett, who drags me out of the room, but not without me continuing to kick and scream.
Everything starts to blur together than. Almost like you see in the movies when something exactly like this happens and leads into another scene.
That's exactly what felt like happened because next thing I know; I'm walking up to Tracy's house knocking on the door.
The door swings open reviling a beautiful middle aged woman that had mother written all over her.
"Hi…I'm…um…Edward." I don't need to say anything else. She knows exactly who I am as she pulls me into her arms resting her chin on my shoulder.
"It's good to see you. Your mother's told me so much about you…I'm so sorry."
I don't do anything but nervously clear my throat as Tracy pulls away from me.
"Alexis is in the living room. I'm going to finish getting her stuff together." Tracy leads me into the house and points towards the room.
"Thank you." I tell her. Tracy merely nods her head and goes off to finish packing.
I enter the living room to see the baby girl sitting on the floor flipping through a bunch of children books.
I take a deep breath and walk towards her completely stunned at how much she truly looks like mom.
I step on some toy making a cracking sound and causing Alexis to look back at me. I'm so sure that she would cry, but what she does completely surprise me.
She begins to smile and laugh pushing herself off the floor and waddles her way towards me using her clumsily feet. Upon reaching me she looks up at me holding her hands out waiting for me to pick her up and hold her.
It's as if she knows exactly who I am. That she knows we're family. That we're going to help each other throughout these hard times and anything that happens in the future.
My sister and I, we are in this together.
I do as she wishes and pick her up holding her tightly to me.
"Well toots, looks like it's just me and you for now."
Okay there you go guys, please review and let me know that you're still with me.
Please?
Working on the next chapter, and I swear if it takes as long as this one did to get out you guys can beat me with an ugly stick.
Also I'm working on two one-shots right now. I've had these ideas floating in my head for awhile now and they don't want to go away. So you'll be seeing those soon too!