Part One: Foundation

I very much like schedules. Every moment of my life is mapped out according to what I want to happen. Ordinary days, I allow myself a small amount of free time in case an unforeseen incident occurs. But on important days such as the start of my sixth year, I control everything. And on that day, things went pretty perfectly until the Welcoming Feast.

I took exactly 45 minutes for personal bathroom time, and the remainder of the hour went to eating. I was already packed, of course, but I did take 20 minutes to asses everything was where it belonged. It was. Then my mother drove me to the station, I boarded the train half an hour before it was due to depart, and everything was swell. I had brought along several books to read if the situation called for it, but I found a compartment full of friends, and I occupied my time with conversation. I had left train time unscheduled, because I was not the conductor and had no control over anything. That part was hard to admit. I wish students were allowed to transport themselves to school.

But as I said, everything was going quite swimmingly until the sorting. I was seated at the Hufflepuff table, half-listening to Hazel Prue as she whispered in my ear about how absolutely tiny the first years were. But everyone said that. The first years were never any bigger or smaller than we had been. I didn't say that because Hazel was happy to express her own thoughts regardless of if anyone wanted to hear them. That was why she and Jax worked so well as a couple - he hated talking and she hated listening.

I was amusing myself with the dynamics of their relationship when I looked up to the staff table, a brief sweeping look. I didn't expect to see any new teachers, and I was right. Mostly. Professor Snape might as well been a new professor for as devastatingly attractive as he suddenly appeared. I was absolutely breathtaken, and I had no idea why. Countless time I'd bashed on his hooked nose, his yellow skin, his greasy hair, his terrible posture. None of this had gone away. The only difference was how I perceived these qualities. And I very much perceived them as something good. This was the hitch in my schedule. I had counted on eating 900 calories at this meal, and accordingly had eaten only 300 for breakfast and 300 on the train. But I was too distracted to eat anything at all. I did pick at a roll to appear normal but inside I was quite abnormal. Professor Snape was, I'd guess, in his late 30s. Well actually, this was simple enough to figure out. Everyone knew 19-year-old Harry Potter had gone to school with his parents, and they'd had him when they were 20. 39. God that seemed ridiculously old. It was just a few months away from 40, which he could very well be by now. Or perhaps he was 38. Either way, the thought of being with such an old man was appalling. Until I looked at him again and my heart crashed against my ribcage, my stomach squished into knots, and I felt the insane desire to squeal. The squeal was particularly disturbing. And I am not a very good actor, so it was not terribly surprising when Hazel poked my side.

"Are you okay?" she asked. She placed the back of her hand against my forehead and she frowned. "You're hot."

"Yes." I wasn't running a fever, I had a goddamn blush. But I didn't want to tell her this. "You're pretty attractive yourself." She laughed, her concern visibly ebbing.

"Well, I would say I'm more attractive than you," she teased, tossing a chicken leg at me. How weird. I stared at the chicken in my lap, contorting my face out of confusion. She laughed once more and grabbed the chicken out of my lap, taking a bite out of it. "So, did you have a fling this summer?" she asked. She was referring to my strict rule of not dating at school. I'd decided in my third year, when I was starting to become attractive, that dating someone you essentially lived with was stupid. This limited me to summer affairs, which had worked out surprisingly well.

"Nah. I pretty much baby sat all summer. Did I tell you...they named her Handkerchief?" We simultaneously groaned.

"No offense but your family is crazy. Tomfoolery, Raspberry, Kaleidoscope, and Handkerchief?" She shook her head. "And I grew up thinking Hazel was strange."

"At least Tomfoolery can be Tom and I can be Razz. Poor Kaleidoscope and Handkerchief have no nicknames. And when Handkerchief gets older...well, you know." We did know that her peers would come up with some joke involving hand jobs, and she patted my back sympathetically. We were both used to the abnormal things my parents did, courtesy of the years spent frying their brain cells with drugs. Even now, they were never totally sober. But they were decent parents despite it all - I'd never been abused.

This conversation helped to distract me from my newfound lust towards Professor Snape, but soon enough our topics dwindled and she turned to Jax, and I had nothing to busy myself with except him. My pledge to not date at Hogwarts was to avoid sticky situations, and being involved with Professor Snape was the stickiest situation imaginable. But I could not live with myself if I did not even try to appease my sudden hunger for him. I tried to conceive a feasible plan for capturing his attention: I could get a detention and then put moves on him then, I could be his friend and build from there, I could stay after class and simply throw myself on him; nothing worked, not even in my overactive sexual teenage imagination. I could not see any situation where he would succumb to my (weak) charms. And if he wanted me, didn't that make him creepy? And yet I could not help but want him to want me. It was a conflict without a solution. And since I could not hope to solve it, I might as well enjoy how looking at him made me feel. So I turned around to look. Professor Snape was staring at me. No, no, of course he wasn't. He was...staring at me. With the way he was looking at me, I felt as if I'd shouted my desires out loud. But the rest of the students were still chattering away, not noticing our stare down. So what had I done to make him look at me this way? Maybe we were soul mates. Oh, that would be convenient. 'Yes, he's my professor, but we're soul mates so it's okay we're having sex!' No. That wouldn't work. And it would be cheesy and rather embarrassing.

"Razz, you didn't eat any dessert." I snapped my eyes from his to Hazel's. She was extremely beautiful, thin, perfectly waved black hair, flawless complexion, large blue eyes. It didn't bother me any that she was prettier. And with how dizzied I was by Professor Snape's looks, she looked comparatively plain and simple. But that was unfair. I shouldn't think like that. "Razz?"

"I'm being crazy tonight, aren't I?" She didn't need to answer. We stood together, and Jax slid his fingers into hers. I checked my watch. The feast had finished at exactly eight o'clock. Exactly on schedule. But I didn't care much for my schedule, now. I would rip up all my schedules and never make another if...No. I was not going to deal in impossible ifs. Unless I thought of the key to seducing him, I should just work on putting it out of my mind. "What's our first class?" I asked, this time expecting an answer. She pulled her schedule out of her pocket - Prefect privilege of getting an early schedule.

"Potions with the Ravenclaws," she said.

"Oh, fuckin perfect," I muttered and ignored her frown. "Let me see that." I tugged the schedule from her hands - we had purposely signed up for all the same classes. A days had Potions, Runes, Divination, and then a study period; B days had Defense Against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration, a study period, and then Care of Magical Creatures. B days sounded far more promising, although I still wished DADA wasn't required so I could have taken Charms in its place. But with the growing presence of You-Know-Who, I supposed it was necessary.

"It's pretty okay, right?" she asked.

"Yeah. It's okay. Hope Hagrid has less dangerous animals this year."

"Hagrid? Less dangerous? He's probably imported a dragon for us," Hazel snorted. But it was an affectionate snort. As much as everyone trashed his lessons, we all knew he was kindhearted and a fairer teacher than others. Others who I would not think about, no I would not. "Well, night Jax." She leaned in to kiss him and I politely left them alone, climbing up the stairs to our dorm room. We had beat all the other girls, which was nice. Maybe if I changed quickly and was in bed by the time they arrived, they wouldn't expect me to get caught up in their back to school hype. But it was 8:15 and they would have to be purposely avoiding the dorm to stay away much longer. Indeed, I had barely pulled out my pajamas when the Hazel and the others burst in, giggling and talking. Oh, teenage girls. I knew I was one and quite often acted the part, but I knew it was all silliness and they just took gossip and clothes and boys as if they were the most important thing in the world. Which was one of the reasons I enjoyed Hazel's company - she may obsess over who was dating who and if she looked skanky rather than sexy, but she was stable and committed enough to maintain a long term relationship. Even if she was dominant and controlling in that relationship.

"Razz. Why are you changing? The night is young!" This was Jane, a redhead girl who was more freckle than skin. She was the curviest of us all, but also the shortest and the widest. For guys, her confidence overshadowed her largely protruding stomach and massive thighs. She was wearing robes, but instead of the uniform underneath she had on Muggle jeans and a tank top. The amount of cleavage she possessed was astounding. I wondered if she'd gotten in trouble for her dress code breaking. Most likely not.

"I'm tired," I said. I have a lot to think about, I didn't say.

"Oh, you have all year to be tired," she said, frowning at me.

"Jane, leave her alone. Let her be boring, if she wants." And this was the delightful Ella, slutty as a slut can be but with an extra dosage of bitchiness. Her straightened bleached hair, her blue contacts, her fake eyelashes, and her glittery nails all screamed that she wanted attention in the most usual of ways. She talked often of how she'd lost her virginity at 13 to her 19-year-old boyfriend. She obviously suffered from low self-esteem but any pity I would have given her was erased by the fact she repeated the same mistakes over and over without learning a thing. "Now Melanie, you were telling us about your boy..." I turned and looked at Melanie, surprised. Melanie was the quiet, fragile one. Almost everyone knew of her anorexia, and her visible bones told those who didn't. They usually didn't know that she was working on recovering, and had actually gained ten pounds in the past several months. She had short, boy hair to hide the thinness from lack of nutrition and dressed in clothes that would be too big on Jane. Food took up so much of her life; I would not expect her to have time for a boy. But by the way she smiled and her cheeks turned red, I saw she had found time.

"His name is Tom," she said.

"Tell us more!" Jane and Ella screeched in unison. Hazel walked over to me and slung her arm around me, pulling us down onto the ground. I sighed as I saw I would be spending the next few hours listening to their chatter. This was not part of my schedule.

"He's really cute...he's got brown curly hair and green eyes. He's short though. But he's older, like 19 or 20." She paused to recall more details, and I almost stopped breathing.

"Did you guys sleep together?" Ella asked, always rude.

"Well...yeah."

"Oh no," I groaned, before Melanie could answer. They all turned to look at me. "Melanie, Melanie. I think that was my brother." Melanie stared at me in horror while the others laughed. "Oh man." Tom was a nice guy and Melanie seemed happy, so I did not tell her all his disgusting habits like I wanted to. And when she saw I wasn't going to freak out on, she relaxed and began to smile. But Ella had to open her heavily-lipsticked mouth.

"Will he not like you once you gain weight?" When we stared at her, she grew defensive. "What? It's a good question!"

"No it's not, you stupid cunt," Hazel snapped, and moved away from me to put her arm around Melanie. "I'm sure Tom will like her even more once she's healthy, and if he doesn't he's stupid because she doesn't look good now." And it was bad to say, but necessary. If everyone told her she looked good, she would just keep her bad eating habits. And suddenly I was tired of interacting with these girls, or any girls, and I was starting to remember Professor Snape as ugly rather than attractive. I stood up and dropped into bed in my pajama top and my uniform skirt. They were quiet for a moment, then Ella whispered something bitchy, Jane laughed, Hazel chided, and Melanie said nothing. It was not so good to be back.

I did not bother to make a schedule for the first day of lessons. First days of lessons were always so unpredictable. What was not unpredictable was that Melanie would be my Potions partner. In earlier years, I had paired with Hazel, but now she preferred to work with Jax. I didn't mind. She didn't force me into conversation. And today, when I would probably be sufficiently distracted by the attractiveness of our professor, I especially appreciated this. Although it was more than a little uncomfortable to sit next to her and think about what she'd done with my brother. Luckily I stopped thinking about it when professor Snape stormed it; unluckily, I merely changed her to me and my brother to him. Oh, gross. Except it wasn't gross at all. If I had not been surrounded by a group of people, I probably would have enjoyed the image quite a bit more. But I was surrounded, and one of those people was the object of my fantasy, so I tried my hardest to erase the image. It kind of worked.

"Welcome to another year of making a failure of the finest art in the world," Professor Snape said, flicking his wand towards a blank chalkboard. Words filled the board and I sighed. I had forgotten what an utter bastard he was. His hair hung in greasy strands down his face as he bent over his desk, scribbling with a quill. No one moved and we spent several minutes watching him write. He looked up suddenly, eyes narrowed. "You all are sixteen. I assume you can figure out by now how to read." That really was quite unfair of him. If we had gotten up without his instruction, he'd have ridiculed us then too. I thought about this as several Ravenclaws hopped out of their desks. They were rather excited over getting Potions ingredients. The rest of us took a few minutes to meander, murmuring amongst ourselves. Melanie looked a little sick. Hazel and Jax were sliding a knut across the table at each other. Jane and Ella were inspecting their nails. JT, the smartest kid in school and most likely to become Head Boy, was already measuring out ingredients. I stood up.

"I'll get your stuff too," I said to Melanie. She shook her head and used the desk to heave herself to her feet. "What did you eat this morning?" I asked, trying to keep my voice both casual and low.

"Half a muffin," she answered, used to Hazel and me inspecting her diet.

"Last night?"

"Umm. Three glasses of water?" She turned the sentence into a question and I frowned at her. I didn't want to know how long she'd been not eating. "For lunch, I'm going to eat more. I promise. Tom...he said he wanted me to gain weight."

"Well, that's good. But you shouldn't do it for him. You should do it for yourself." I felt like a walking self-esteem textbook, but it didn't matter if it actually helped. She shrugged and I decided I'd have to owl Tom to see if he realized how serious her condition was.

"Is this social hour at the rehab or am I instructing a Potions classroom?" It was suddenly hard to breathe when I realized Professor Snape was a foot away. He was glaring but still delicious.

"The best you could come up with is rehab? And besides I don't see much instructing going on," I said. I immediately wasn't sure why I'd said it. It was something I'd say to a friend, not to the most vicious teacher we had.

His eyes looked like they were going to fall out and he ground his teeth together. "Excuse me?"

"Um... just kidding," I said, but without much hope.

"Well I am not kidding when I say you have just lost Hufflepuff 20 points, and you will be serving a detention this afternoon with me," he growled. The Hufflepuff half of the class groaned and I felt more than a few murderous glares directed at me. I tried to ignore everyone as I grabbed what ingredients I needed and then returned to my desk. I was measuring out bicorn horn powder when Melanie joined me, but inwardly I was somewhat angry. Seriously? 20 points for one little sentence? I wondered what he would do if I kissed him. Probably expel me. It would almost be worth it. But maybe he would give me 100 points and put me up for Head Girl. Ha. Yeah. I wouldn't even want that. But it would be nice to know I was that talented, if I was. That made me wonder if he'd ever been kissed. Apparently he was always as bitter and nasty as he was now, so I would not find it unlikely. He could have hired a prostitute. Most guys would. I thought I'd heard prostitutes didn't kiss. That would probably feel weird, to have had sex but still be a lip virgin. Maybe he was so angry cause he just needed to get properly laid, without money being exchanged and with kisses. I could do that. I was unsure why I was still so attracted to him after he'd just bitched me out, but I was. Maybe the detention was destiny, and I was going to get him tonight. More likely, I was going to lose my desire for him as he worked me for hours over one little joke. Male pride was a weird thing.

The class ended, and I was pleased with my potion. It was a few shades darker than JT's, but I'd had more on my mind than him. When I went up to turn in my potion, Professor Snape said, "Stay after class so we can discuss your detention." I dropped my phial into the holder and then leaned against his desk, ignoring the dark look he shot me. Before she left, Hazel untangled herself from Jax to give me a hug. Melanie smiled. We were probably going to become good friends this year. I played with the bottom of my skirt as I waited for the stragglers to leave. Professor Snape set his quill down and screwed the lid on his ink well. The last student walked out the door. My collar was uneven but I didn't have time to fix it before he spoke.

"Do you know what Legilimency is?" he asked. I tried to meet his eye but he would not look at me.

"No."

"Essentially, when you make eye contact with me, I can look into your mind and find what you are...thinking." Oh. Well. I could not think of a single thing to say in response. Thankfully, he did the job for me. "I really do not wish to deal with your teenage fantasies so if you agree to keep them out of your mind I will return your points and cancel your detention."

"I don't know if I can promise that," I said. He looked like he wanted to slit my throat. More likely, he wanted to slit my stomach and eat my organs and then punch me in the face until I died. "And you must have the self-control of a god to resist this." I gestured up and down my body, smiling. He did not look amused.

"You are a child. I do not like children."

"You don't sound so convinced." He sounded completely convinced. I kept my eyes off him so he didn't know I was bluffing. I did not expect him to just say 'fuck it' and throw me on the ground. But it would be nice if he didn't sound so disgusted at the thought. I'd had to overcome some age barriers, too. His barrier was really just societal anyway. Everyone loved young teenage girls. Most people didn't love middle-aged men except when they couldn't achieve anything better. Oh God, he was middle-aged. He was almost, or was, over the hill. My own parents were hardly older than him. Yet I could not make myself care enough to walk away. He was still someone I would drop my pants for in a second. And although I tried to let on otherwise, I was still a virgin. No one knew, and I didn't intend for them to find out. Maybe actually sleeping with someone would help. Of course, it wasn't just a social thing. It was an experience on my path of life. That sounded pretty sophisticated. I thought about trying to use that on him, but he spoke first.

"Even if I was some sort of pedophile, I would get fired if I became involved with you, and that is something I would never risk." I could see I had offended him with my comment about him not instructing. Did he really love teaching that much? Then why was he such an asshole? That was not a question I should ask.

"That means you've considered it, right? Right?" But the first students were trickling in, and I had to be several floors up in the next ten minutes. Shit. I smiled at him. "I'll see you this afternoon. What time?" I did not see his reaction as I was still avoiding his face, but I had a strong instinct it was unpleasant.

"Five o'clock," he said. "I strongly advise you give up." If only it was that easy. I shrugged and exited the classroom, my heart trying to escape out my throat. I could not believe the things I had just said. I felt daring and exciting. He had seemed aggravated, but he had to put up a show, didn't he? If he just gave in it would mean he truly was creepy and just wanted to hit it and quit it. This way, if I did happen to seduce him, I would know he hadn't been eager. That was a little disappointing, having to work so hard on someone so old and generally unattractive. But it gave me something to look forward and work for. Last year, that goal had been OWLs. But with NEWTs two years away, this year felt a little blank. What did I have to arrange my schedule around? Nothing. Until now. Now I could plan out my schedule around his, conveniently bumping into him one day and completely ignoring him the next. I felt like a child with her first crush. I felt like a stalker. I felt powerful and confident. I felt...late. Runes was already five minutes in when I slid into my desk and the professor glared at me but continued with her teaching, verbally uninterrupted. That was me. I might get distracted sometimes but ultimately, I would stay on the same track.

"What did he say?" Hazel whispered, Jax's arm around her shoulders.

"That I'm disgusting." It was partially true. She grew angry at his supposed words.

"You're not!"

"I kinda am," I said. Anyone plotting as much as I for the purpose I intended was disgusting. I felt rather like a Slytherin. But I pushed the negativity aside and began to take notes. I spent the rest of the day in a studious haze, doing the best to ignore my plans. These were the distractions I accounted for. School work was still highly important, of course. Without education I would get nowhere in life. My study period was just as busy with homework, and dinner I had to make sure Melanie ate enough. She might have thrown it up after, but I had done my part to the best of my ability. At five o'clock (or more accurately 4:55 when I left for the dungeons) I was free to pursue my own selfish wants. When I entered the potions class, Professor Snape was grading a stack of papers. Papers, on the first day of school? That was a lot even for him. A dirty rag and a bucket of solution sat on the desk nearest to him. Along the wall sat rows of dirty cauldrons. I could figure out my assignment easily enough. He didn't want to talk to me. Oh well.

"So, are you actually reading those or do you just default a P for everyone not in Slytherin?" He did not look up for a few moments.

"Has it ever occurred to you that Slytherins actually work the hardest in potions?"

"It has. I was high at the time," I said, grinning. He did not share my sense of humor. He 'hmph'ed and I grinned wider. "Only old people 'hmph' you know."

"Exactly. I am an old person. Now serve your detention before I deduct more points," he said, but he set down his quill. I inwardly congratulated myself on my small success.

"Doesn't matter. Hufflepuff will never win the House Cup. It's Gryffindor and Slytherin for everything. Maybe a Ravenclaw if the Sorting Hat fucks up."

"Your language is unnecessarily coarse."

"That's not the only thing," I said. He stared. "Wink wink nudge nudge?" He still did not laugh. I sighed. We were not on the same wavelength. Or I was just terribly unfunny. Either way it was useless to try. "You really have absolutely no interest in me at all? Not even one time of 'no strings attached, secret till I die' sex?"

"Absolutely, totally, completely none."

"I guess I'll just have to keep earning detentions until you do," I said, and grabbed my cleaning materials. I could tell he was watching me as I moved over to the cauldrons and settled on the ground to begin scrubbing. The gunk dried on them was sometimes crusty, sometimes gooey, and always smelly. Delicious. I dipped the rag in the solution and began to clean the first one. It was no big deal for me to clean things, but it felt so unnecessary with a capable wizard sitting two feet away. One sweep of a wand and it would all be cleaner than I could ever make it. But that would only be something a reasonable wizard would do, and even I could admit Professor Snape was far from reasonable.

I was on my sixth cauldron when he spoke. "You would really never talk to me again?" I was careful to hide my face as I smiled.

"Well, I'd have to answer in classes," I said, turning to look at him. I studied his nose, his lips, his forehead. Not his eyes.

"Yes but otherwise?"

"Not if you don't want me to."

"Even if I want you to, you shouldn't," he said. It definitely sounded like he had just agreed to sleep with me. I was not imagining that. Well, so much for my year-long goal, and him holding out to avoid looking creepy, and everything else I'd thought. I felt a bit disgusted that he'd given in pretty easily. Maybe he did lust after every girl in the school. Maybe that was why he stayed even though he was constantly angry. Angry or sexually frustrated? Oh man. Despite my new train of thoughts, he was still handsome in my eyes.

"Okay," I said. "I won't."