Of course, we didn't do anything. When I walked over to him and put my hands on him, he got up and left the classroom. It was a little disappointing, but mostly it was nice to know I would still have something to plan for. I scrubbed the rest of the cauldrons clean and then went to the common room. It was crowded and noisy but before I could escape Jane grabbed me and pulled me into her lap. It was incredibly awkward, but at least there was plenty of cushioning. I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees and Ella began to speak. "You see, girls, clumpy eyelashes are the bane of all good-looking woman." She obviously thought she was imparting treasured words of wisdom, and the real unfortunate thing was that her listeners seemed to agree. They were mostly too young to be wearing makeup but they did it anyway, and badly. At least she was trying to help even if it was only to make herself look educated and fashionable. Ha. The only thing Ella could teach them properly was how to screw up every good thing in their life. Yes, she really should be telling them to dump the one guy that didn't hit you because he was a 'pussy,' put out or else no one would love you, try every 'non addictive' drug once or twice or ten times, and chase away all your friends by choosing boys over them. But I was sounding bitter even to myself, so I stood up. Apparently this interrupted her makeup spiel because she glared at me. "Do you want to say something Raspberry? I should hope not because you apply your makeup even worse than these poor dears." She laughed and I laughed, which stopped her mirth. "What?"
"Oh nothing," I said. I could think of a million responses - I had taught her to wear makeup in the first place, putting on as much gunk as possible did not mean it looked good, guys did not appreciate lip gloss all over their dick...but I would never actually say any of those. It would create too much drama and she would find some way to cut me down. As little as I cared what she thought, she still sometimes had things she could say or do that hurt. Our fifth year had been too much of a constant struggle. I just wanted to put it all to rest. "Do you guys know where Hazel is?"
"With Jax." I gave my best 'duh' look and Ella rolled her eyes at me. This was so impossibly immature. I needed to get away.
"They said they'd be at the lake," Melanie said. I was surprised to hear her; I hadn't noticed she was there. I felt like a jerk for having not seen her.
"Want to come with me, Melanie?" I asked. I wanted no one else to come, but if they wanted to they'd find a way. She stood up immediately, smiling. Her weight gain was now obvious in the fact she actually had cheeks when she smiled. It made me rather happy and it also reminded me I still needed to owl Tom. "Well, come on then." I hurried out of the room before anyone else could ask to join us. But then things got a little uncomfortable as we silently walked down to the lake. I had no idea what to talk to her about. She probably wanted to ask about Tom but I could not bring up the subject myself. The whole situation was just odd. I knew if our mom found out the age difference would bother her. Oh man, it was hilarious to picture how our mom would react. She would probably yell and cry and then hug everyone in the room and congratulate him. She was overdramatic and overemotional, which was a fun contrast to our stoic father.
"Can I ask you something?" I nodded and tried to prepare myself to answer whatever questions she asked about Tom without making him look like a douche. "Are you only being friends with me because Hazel's always with Jax?" Whoa. Not what I was expecting. I pushed my eyebrows together at the unexpectedness and, frankly, the absurdity.
"Of course not," I said. "What makes you think that?" We were now outside, and we could see two figures kissing at the edge of the lake. This was going to be fun to interrupt.
"Well we never really talked before this year but I haven't changed. Maybe...did Tom ask you to be friends with me?" So I was right and she had been thinking about Tom. She sounded like she wanted this to happen, like it would be some sort of proof he cared about her.
"Have you guys talked since you...well, you know?" I hated saying 'sex' with the connotation of my brother being involved, despite how immature and inexperienced I sounded.
"Uh...not really. Once. And he didn't mention me, huh? I guess...he probably...well I probably had different expectations than him about the whole thing," she said.
"I really don't think he's enough of a selfish bastard to do that to you," I said. Hazel and Jax were just a few yards away, and they broke apart. Our feet swished in the grass, an irritating sound. Hazel was smiling at me but Jax looked annoyed. "I'll talk to him for you."
"If you want to. But don't make him talk to me if he doesn't want to." I felt ridiculously bad that my brother had done this to her, but I was also confused. Maybe her Tom wasn't my Tom. My Tom had always been nerdy and unsuccessful in his attempts at getting girls, and if he did happen to get one he usually got obnoxiously clingy or he felt so awkward he just walked away. Oh. Duh. I was pretty sure Melanie had taken his virginity so that was why he felt so awkward about it. But that didn't make his avoidance any more justified or fair. He should be smart enough to realize that she would take it seriously and personally if he just avoided her. It was such a teenager thing to say, but all I could think was 'boys are stupid.' I didn't think this for long because Hazel bounded up to me and wrapped her arms around me.
"You were just giving him a boner. Don't touch me," I said. She and Melanie laughed but Jax looked embarrassed. Oops. This was probably a large factor as to why I knew dating at Hogwarts was a bad idea - besides the usual things that could go wrong, I had absolutely no concept of the inside of the male mind and I tended to say random, mortifying things when I was just trying to be funny. Then again, he probably didn't know Hazel had told me pretty much every single detail of their relationship, emotional and physical. If he did, my little joke wouldn't have bothered me at all compared to the complete humiliation he would feel. "Hey Haze, I need to talk to you about something." This was the whole reason I came all the way down here. I needed advice about Professor Snape, and I needed it pretty badly. Of course, I'd have to be vague which meant she couldn't be too terribly helpful. But a mind and a half are better than just a mind, right?
"Okay." She tugged me away from Melanie and Jax, leaving them to make awkward small talk. Melanie's obvious height advantage over Jax was quite amusing, at least to me. "What's up?" she asked once we were sufficiently far away.
"Well. I want to sleep with this guy but it would be rather wrong and he would get in trouble with all sorts of people. But today he almost said yes, then he walked away. So I need your advice on how to seduce him." She was grinning when I finished but I could not decide why. She told me without me having to ask.
"Oh Raspberry. Of course you want to sleep with someone rather than date them. Only you."
"Well, can you help?"
"Of course I can't," she said, no longer smiling. "You know I can't support emotionally unattached sex. Besides, I'm not much for seduction."
"I guess." She'd never had to try because guys liked her automatically for how beautiful she was. So really, every step she took was part of her sex appeal. She just didn't realize it. I wasn't going to say this because she would whine about how I was prettier than her, I just didn't see it. But everyone always says that. No one would ever say 'I'm very attractive and you're actually quite ugly.' Ella would but in that first statement she would be incorrect. My thoughts rambled as Hazel stared at me, waiting for a further response. Or maybe she'd said something else and I'd missed it. That was the more likely explanation for the look she was giving me. But I didn't much care for what she thought of me at the moment. I was quite peeved she'd refused to help me based on her own morals. It wasn't like I was asking her to sleep with him first and then give me pointers. I should have said date. That would have worked. But it was too late now. "Thanks for listening, I guess," I said. She brightened, smiling.
"No problem. Now, can I get back to Jax's boner?" She laughed. I didn't. We walked back over to where we'd left the others, and they were actually getting along. Weird. Melanie had always been so shy before. I attributed her outgoingness to actually having the energy to be outgoing.
"Melanie, do you want to leave now?"
"Can't we all just hang out?" I was surprised to find Jax had said this. He had never seemed particularly fond of me, probably because he had to share Hazel with me. Melanie and Hazel seemed just as eager to do this, but I really just wanted to go.
"How about you guys stay and I'll leave?" I knew if I waited for an answer Hazel would find some way to persuade me to stay so I turned and sped away, ignoring her calling my name. She might be a little mad later, but I was a little mad too so it was okay.
I decided to just wander around the castle, which was something I had not done before. It was quiet and mostly deserted. And ridiculously, ridiculously large. I grew tired before I'd fully covered the first floor and began to consider heading back to the common room and turning in early. On the second floor, I passed by one couple making out and then decided to find an abandoned corridor or classroom and sit there. That was far preferable to continuing along aimlessly and interrupting more lip locked teenagers. Honestly, there was always some place better to fool around than the hallways. Unluckily, I ran into Professor Snape before I could find an appropriate place to stay. He was the perfect image of a tortured soul as he stared out the window, his forearms rested against the glass. Ha. Had I turned him into this brooding character? That was quite a delicious prospect. What was not delicious was when he turned and glared at me. I looked at his forehead instead of his eyes. I wasn't sure if I had anything to hide, but I would rather be safe than sorry.
"Have you been following me?" he asked, and I grinned.
"Oh yeah. I have nothing better to do with my time than follow around my lonely little professor." He just glared. He really didn't look so greasy, now. In fact he looked rather clean. His nose was still abnormally large. I felt the strong desire to stroke it. If I was close enough, I would have. But in the amount of time it would take me to move up to him, he would probably run away. No, I could not use a word like run to describe the great and all powerful Severus Snape. I would say stride or storm or...trot. The image my mind conjured of him trotting was enough to expel laughter from my lungs. He did not seem to appreciate my fit of giggles. "Have you ever trotted before?" He still said nothing, so I sighed. "Have you ever slept with a student before?"
"No," he snapped, finally breaking his vow of silence. Success. He probably did not realize how much control I had over him. It was only to goad him into doing certain small things, but even that control was rewarding. "I never will."
"Yes you will," I said. I took a step closer to him and he did not back away. Being so close to the object of my desire put my stomach into those familiar knots and I wished I could see if I was affecting him at all. As it was, he remained visibly frustrated and aggravated. "I already said I wouldn't tell anyone."
"It's a lot more than that." He spoke through clenched teeth. "I do have personal morals, despite what you may want to believe. You are just a child."
"You know, you said that before, but I still think you want me." Before I completely comprehended what was happening, he stepped forward and shoved me against the wall. It was too painful for me to enjoy, but I didn't try to move away or tell him to stop. Right when I was sure the stones were going to break the skin on my back, he kissed me. It was the briefest, softest kiss and it was a complete contrast to what he was doing with my body. I forgot to not meet his gaze. His eyes were so dark his pupils were almost indiscernible and his nose was awkwardly close to my face. Wrinkles lined his face; his teeth were a little yellow.
"It will never happen," he said. I did not believe him at all. He did not believe himself. I was driving myself crazy wondering what he was thinking - if he was disgusted or enjoying himself. He was still crushing me and it was becoming hard to breathe but I had no wish for him to move away. If he moved away now, I would probably never have another chance. This wasn't healthy for either one of us though. Unless he was a total creep, he would feel guilty. I would probably feel guilty for pushing him into it and also disgusted. When I was older, I might regret him being my first. None of these worries mattered at all against how much I wanted him. So I wriggled my arms out from under him and placed my hands on my neck and this time I kissed him. It was the wrong move. He pulled away, violently, angrily, and then he was gone before I could decide which direction he went in. I felt like he was playing a game just as much as I was - a little bit at a time until finally it happened. But I didn't like that game. If that was what he was doing, I would have to try and make him break his rules. If he was just feeling very very guilty and trying to stay away from me...I was going to hell.
As thrilling as my first day of school was, the rest of the week was equally monotonous. Classes were mostly lectures, and Hazel, Melanie, and Jax morphed into this single unit that I could not, and had no desire to, join. There was pleasure in going to Potions class, but with Professor Snape steadfastly ignoring me it was a minor feeling indeed. Saturday arrived with three incomplete essays and twenty sheets of parchment in notes to be reviewed. If I had any course of action that would have put off my studies until Sunday, I would have gladly taken it. But at the moment, putting off my work was just lazy procrastination. Hence the reason I spent breakfast drawing up a chart of my day. The essays were allotted an hour each. That translated to three hours in the library, scribbling, open textbooks spread out across the tabletop. Then lunch, which was a brief affair requiring twenty minutes maximum. Reviewing was something I could do in the common room and without the pressure of a grade. That was simply a task I did because I was a good student. That I would give four hours, with the first ten minutes of each hour for wandwork and the last ten minutes a break. That means at five I would be free for the rest of the evening. Well, I could figure out something to do when that time arrived.
Scheduling finished, I was in the process of reaching for a biscuit when the mail swooped in. My family was not much for owling, so I was rather surprised when a letter dropped on my plate. It was an unfamiliar owl and the letter was unaddressed. Still, I doubted an owl would make a mistake, so I opened the letter without much consideration of what its contents would be. It was a sheet of parchment folded into thirds, and it simply said my quarters, six but I could recognize the handwriting from the years I'd spent copying it down. I refolded the parchment and stuck it into my pocket, ignoring my screaming instincts to look at Professor Snape. The most logical explanation was that he wanted to tell me to stay away or something similar, but why would he arrange a special meeting just for that? Even if that was the reason, I usually got around his intentions. Did I want to, though? I think it was pretty clear that if he was attracted to me at all, whether for completely perverted reasons or not, he was fighting it. Judging by the way he treated everyone, I would guess he had enough guilt and self-hate to deal with already. So I resolved that tonight, nothing physical would happen. I got up and left the Great Hall still without looking at him.
The door to the hall had barely shut behind me when it opened again. I turned around and found Melanie. She looked like she had gained even more weight this week. "Tom owled me back," she said, breathless and full of smiles. I hadn't planned for this conversation. "He asked for my picture and he sent me this. And he apologized for taking so long. And just...he's amazing!" She held up the mentioned picture. It was uncomfortable to confirm that the object of her affections was indeed my brother. In the picture he was shifting and awkward, constantly shielding us from his face.
"Nice," I said.
"I don't have his address though." Oh. I should have known she had an ulterior motive for talking to me. That made the interruption all the more aggravating.
"I'll write it down and put it on your nightstand," I said. "I'm in a hurry though." Without waiting for her to fumble through a goodbye, I turned and walked off. I needed to talk to Hazel about her ignoring me in favor of Jax. That could be part of my plan for tomorrow.
As I settled into the library and began to work on my essays, my thoughts jumped to Professor Snape and his note. The parchment was poking lightly into my hip, constantly reminding me of what was coming tonight. But that was not productive to writing a two foot history of goblin armor so I pulled the parchment out and slid it under my book. There. Except out of sight, out of mind was never particularly effective for me and I only wrote out a few inches worth before my mind focused once more on what his intentions could be. I wished I had looked at him, just to see if there was some kind of emotion of his face. But I didn't want to appear like I was desperate to talk to him, although I rather was. Then I probably would have accidentally made eye contact with him, and I didn't like him being able to see my thoughts. So it was good I hadn't looked at him, but that didn't stop me from wishing.
I spent my hours in the library with this pattern of clearing my mind of Professor Snape, only to find him invariably back on it. It was a frustrating distraction, and as a consequence I exceeded my three hours and was forced to skip lunch. It was ridiculous what just the thought of meeting with him could do. I had moved beyond my strong physical attraction to a total infatuation. I didn't want to just sleep with him, I wanted to talk with him as well. It was disturbing. When I'd just been chasing a physical goal, it was easier and simpler. Get in, get out, no questions asked. Now I probably couldn't do that. Not that I loved him, or even liked him strongly. But I was attached. Fuck.
"Raspberry?" When Hazel said my name, I realized I was gripping the edges on the table painfully hard and glaring at my book. A snapped quill lay on top of an unused sheet of parchment, dripping ink. I did not remember what had happened. "Are you okay?" No, not at all.
"Yes. I miss you though." That was an incorrect time to say so. It looked like I had flipped out because I was mad at her. This was how she read it, as well, because she immediately jumped on me with a hug and squealed loud enough to draw shushing noises from the librarian. She blushed at the attention but didn't remove her arms from around me. I could tell my reviewing was going to start quite a bit later than intended. This was an acceptable delay, though.
"I have been spending too much time with Jax, haven't I? I'm such a crappy friend." She frowned and flopped into the seat next to me, not such a smart thing to do on hard wooden seats. "How about tomorrow we spend all day together, just you and me being girly?"
"Remove 'girly' from our plans and we have a deal." I smiled and she grinned. "How did you know I was here?"
"I didn't. I came here to work on my own goblin armor essay," she said, pulling from closer to her and skimming it.
"You can copy mine if you want." I would never let anyone else copy, but she was close enough to my only friend and I had to do what I could to keep her happy.
"Nah. They would know I'm not that smart," she said, releasing my work and grinning once more. "So, I don't want details, but how is the thing with your boy going?"
"It's terrible in some ways, terrific in others." We spent several hours talking in the library, but the whole time I was ticking off how much it was detracting from my reviewing and how little time I had left before I would be with Professor Snape. It was 4:30 before Jax wandered in, saw Hazel, and dragged her away. He would probably not like our plans for tomorrow very much. It was weird that I'd thought her the dominating one, yet she was always doing what he wanted. Relationships were weird in general, which is why my dating pledge was a good one. I simply ignored the fact that going after my professor was worse than any other failed teenage relationship could be. Well, only if I was successful. At the moment, I didn't think he'd get in much trouble for what had happened, if anyone was to find out. I still wasn't planning on anyone finding out.
I spent my remaining time showering and getting dressed and redressed. Originally, I was going to wear robes but after trying on black, blue, and yellow ones I decided to try Muggle clothes. Although I had less of them, they really were more flattering. The only problem is no matter what, Muggle clothes looked like I was trying to appear attractive. Then again, I was. And I didn't have the energy to play games. I chose black jeans and a pastel yellow sweater. Hufflepuff colors, oh yeah. It was 5:45 when I finished with my makeup, which left a little more time than needed to get to his office. Looking at myself in the mirror, I realized I was just like a hyper little giggly girl going on a date. Oh gross. I was probably going to arrive all dressed up and he was going to tell me I was obnoxious and foolish and unwanted. But I didn't have time to clean my face. So I was forced to walk down to his quarters, feeling embarrassed and immature. Why had I put so much effort into this? Maybe it wasn't even really him. Maybe I'd just seen the handwriting I wanted to see.
It was 5:59 when I knocked on the door and six o'clock when he opened it. The first thing I noticed was Professor Snape smelled extremely good, and the second was that he was smiling. Smiling. I had never seen him smile in a way that was not sarcastic and mocking. Now it was awkward and uncomfortable, but it was still a smile. I felt confused by his sudden change in mood. But it was nice to see, no matter the reasons. He was wearing his typical black robes and his hair had its usual greasy sheen, but I knew I had not dressed inappropriately. He shut the door and we stood there in silence. It was a sitting room, with two doors on the wall in front of us. The open one, I could see, led to a small kitchen. The closed one was probably his bedroom.
"I'm glad you came," he said. He put his hand on my arm. I remembered my decision to not let things become physical tonight. But surely that little gesture was okay. Hazel touched my arm all the time. Sure, I didn't get butterflies and warm cheeks and giggles caught in my throat when she did it. That was hardly the point.
"Why did you ask me to come here?"
"I think the most relevant question is why you accepted."
"I wanted to see you," I said, deciding to be honest. We were sitting on his couch now, my hands in his. He was in total control because my mind was spinning too fast for me to even vaguely comprehend what was happening. Four days ago he had said he would never sleep with me, ever, and now it seemed like he had never wanted anything more. "To talk to you," I added, emphasizing talk. He didn't take his hands away.
"So let's talk." He was not acting like any side of Professor Snape I had ever seen. It was a little scary. But not ultimately bad. If only he could have been this way the first day I'd been attracted to him, I would never have all these emotions connected to him. And I could tell he would never have emotions for me. Coming here now seemed like a stupid idea. The intelligent thing to do would be to excuse myself or just get up and leave, anything to get away. But for all my grades said otherwise, I acted very poorly and stayed. We didn't talk, despite what we both had said. We just sat there, my palms sweating, his fingers tracing the edges and pieces of my face for hours. The scariness went away and everything became soft and nice and I forgot how much older he was. "You should go," he said, at midnight. Past the student curfew. But this would be worth any punishment I might receive and the tiredness I would feel the next day. The next day, which would be physically full of Hazel but really I would be reliving every moment of the past six hours.
When I stood up to go, he stood also. "Bye," I said. He hugged me, and it was a stiff but nice. Then he kissed my forehead and I had to leave quickly because I felt myself wanting to ask to stay, all night. I knew he would have said yes.
A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for reading. A couple people said Snape is OOC - and you're right! And it'll just get worse! Haha. As this chapter shows. If you dislike that, you should probably stop reading :)