A/N: A/N: Um I went through and edited this and made it better and then saved over the document on accident...so whatever.
I woke up in a state of disorientation. After all, it was pitch black where I was. It took a few moments of steady breathing to catch my bearings and then calm down after I had done so. By that time I could see a little through the darkness – vague gray outlines of furniture, nothing else. I thought about trying to go back to sleep, but I was too apprehensive. At least I knew I was still in Severus's quarters, because I recognized the couch. I was chiding myself for being so ridiculous – it was just the dark – when I heard two pops and the sounds of voices. The noises were muffled and after a moment of listening I guessed they were in the bedroom. They. Had Severus expected me to leave and, assuming I was gone, brought someone over? But why would he bring a Death Eater into Hogwarts? Well that had a fairly easy answer. Ah, shit. I tried to lay as flat as I could on the couch, but if someone were to turn the light on I'd be immediately visible. I stood up with the intent of getting under the couch.
Then the bedroom door opened, the light flicked on, and I saw Severus and a woman. A woman. They didn't see me, at first, but they did soon enough. There was silence for a moment and then she began to laugh. "I see you've lost your touch Severus. The students used to be too scared of you to pull pranks." She'd thought I'd snuck in here. That was good because Severus wasn't going to get in trouble. I didn't feel relieved because I was too busy feeling really stupid. I'd talked about wanting to have his children and he already had a real women. But he'd said he'd only been in love once. Well of course he would lie if he was trying to cheat on her. This thought sent a new wave of revulsion through me. I'd never wanted to be 'the other woman.' Although I wasn't a woman, I was just a stupid slutty girl.
"What are you doing here?" he growled. I couldn't tell if he was acting or not. It didn't matter.
"Leaving," I said, forgetting for a second I was a student caught in the act of trespassing. When I remembered, I added, "Itching powder in your bed." The woman laughed again. I wanted to die.
"Come on Sev, just deduct some points and let her go." She called him Sev? I could see why he was so adamantly against my calling him that.
"Salene, I am interested in the highest punishment possible, not the lowest." I felt like saying that no punishment could be worse than this. I didn't, of course. Their names matched, for God's sake. For that matter, they had similar noses, and both had black hair and brown eyes. Wait.
"Are you two related?"
"Of course we are," she said, grinning. "Why else would Sevvypoo have a woman in his rooms?" She paused and looked at me carefully and then began to laugh once again. "Oh your poor girl. I'd be disgusted into silence, too, if I thought he was getting some. Don't worry about that, he's a 39-year-old virgin."
"Salene, you shouldn't speak so foully in front of students," he said, his teeth clenched together. I felt like an idiot for believing so quickly and wholeheartedly he was cheating on me. And he'd been so sweet the previous night, too. Then again, how did he leave for a Death Eater meeting and come back with his sister? "Especially your students," he added, staring at her with an expression that was obviously supposed to convey some sort of secret meaning. Her students? Was she coming to teach here?
"You're right. Well, how about I'll shut up with the sex talk and we all just agree to not talk about tonight, alright? That means you, Miss Troublemaker. My arrival is supposed to be a secret."
I expected Severus to refuse this and insist I get in trouble, but instead he said, "Fine. I will escort her back to the proper house to ensure she gets into no more mischief." That seemed unnecessarily fancy but I didn't say anything. We walked up out of the dungeons, into the basement where the Hufflepuff common room was. A few corridors away, he stopped, so I did too. He pulled me into a hug, and it was our first hug, and it was nice, and I started to cry a little at how stupid I'd been.
"How was the meeting?" I asked, resting my forehead in the space between his neck and shoulder.
"Awful, but it's been much worse. I'm sorry about Salene. I should have made it more clear for you to leave. I'm particularly sorry you got the wrong idea about us. Albus has the idea that the most effective Defense Against the Dark Arts class would be one with multiple teachers. So along with the current professor, he's adding Salene, my cousin, and a few temporary others. Most notably, you will soon have a week of instructions by Harry Potter." He spat the name, but everyone knew of their animosity so it didn't bother me. It did bother me when he pulled away and began striding down the corridor. I followed him but I wished we could go back to his room and I could spend the night with him.
When we got to the Hufflepuff entrance, he stopped and faced me. We stayed a couple feet apart but I didn't want to."Harry Potter is popping up everywhere," I said. It was random but I wanted him to stay, just a little longer. "I'm going on a triple date with him."
"Excuse me?" he asked. His voice was cold, angry. "Obviously you are free to date whom you choose, but Potter? I would not think you would buy into the-"
"Oh, shut up. I'm not his date, Hazel is. My brother is dating Melanie, and they want me to bring my boyfriend, by which they mean you. I told them I'd go alone. It'll still be awkward being with my brother and a celebrity I've never talked to."
"A celebrity," he said with a snort, but nothing else. I stepped closer and he didn't back away but I didn't want to do anything to make him angry.
"Can I kiss you?" Severus stared at me for a second and then looked around several times. At his nod, I stood on my toes and kissed him, a very short careful kiss. "I wish you would forbid me to date anyone else," I said, a delayed response to his earlier words.
"Why? Saying so doesn't make you incapable and not saying so doesn't guarantee you'll meet someone else." He paused and added, an obvious afterthought, "We are not dating."
Because I love you, I thought, and immediately knew it was true. Before I'd been half asleep and foolish. Now I knew better, and I still loved him. But it was too soon to say anything for a normal relationship, never mind this crazy one. Maybe I could tell him at Christmas. That was only three months but I probably couldn't hold it back much longer than that.
"You're right," I said, instead, giving up. I prepared for him to say goodnight. I did not prepare for him to put his hands on my waist and pull my body flush against his. I did not prepare for him to kiss me, a slow sweet kiss that did not hold any of the caution I had used.
"If anyone else touches you like this, I will kill him," he said quietly, his lips next to my ear. I felt like giggling but instead I smiled a little. He stepped back, his face completely serious, and then nodded. "Don't come to my quarters until Salene leaves." He pivoted and strode off and I was happy enough with the recent interaction that I didn't desire to chase after him.
I tried to remain quiet as I slipped in the dorm and dressed for bed but as I pulled my jeans off I was accosted by a whispering Hazel. "Into the common room, now!" In my underwear, I pushed into the room, fervently wishing no one else joined us.
"Where have you been, young lady?" she demanded, but she was grinning. "Come on, you've got to tell me which guy you've been seeing." Suddenly, I was extremely irritated by this whole ordeal. Who I dated shouldn't be a matter of concern to anyone. Then I remembered Severus saying I should tell her. He was intelligent; why would he tell me to do something stupid? Unless he was assuming something about Hazel that wasn't true. Oh well. He couldn't get mad at me for listening to him.
"I will tell you if you take an oath," I said. She looked surprised, understandably. There were all sorts of oaths, ranging in strength, but even the weakest were pretty binding and serious. But she nodded, so I pulled out my wand and cast the best oath I could.
"Now tell me," she said. She'd lost her girlish, innocent interest and now looked serious and concerned. This was the side of Hazel that I liked.
"It's…Professor Snape." She laughed, for a second, but stopped upon seeing my face.
"Holy shit Raspberry. That's…that's disgusting. How old is he?"
"39," I said, and could not help but get defensive. "It's not disgusting! It's not even really a physical relationship. We've only kissed five times." At this news, Hazel literally gagged.
"That is so wrong and gross. He's your teacher! And he's older than you."
"So? Harry Potter is older than you," I said. I had to hold myself back from saying he would also be her teacher. That was, after all, secret information. I was being stubborn. I knew there was a huge difference between being 2 years apart, versus 22. "Anyway Hazel, I didn't tell you to get approval, I told you because you're my friend and I don't like keeping things from you, but if you can't handle my personal life choices then I guess you shouldn't talk to me anymore." My guilt trip worked, and Hazel pulled me into a hug.
"You're right, you're right. Just tell me something…who came on to who?" This question led to an hour long conversation about my courtship and relationship with Severus. Of course I left out all the anger and Death Eaterness. There were some things she just didn't need to know.
It was ten minutes into Potions class when Hazel nudged me and giggled for the third time. She could not actually whisper anything in public about the situation because of the oath, but the nudgegiggle was annoying enough all alone. It was also ten minutes into class when Professor Snape stopped his short lecture and dismissed us to go prepare the potion. Hazel went to fetch the ingredients and came back with a mischievous grin. She glanced at Snape, whom she had purposely sat directly in front of. He was watching the classroom activities with an irritated gaze but focused on Hazel as she stared. "Yes, Miss Prue?" he asked. He sounded like he was saying 'I hope your mom kills herself and comes back and haunts you and deforms all your babies.'
"I was just thinking it's so interesting that this root is so old yet it's attached to this young, beautiful root," she said, smiling and holding up the root in question. There were indeed two roots stuck together by some mysterious brown material, but that's not what she meant. Oh God.
"Thank you for demonstrating your complete lack of knowledge. That is in fact a root with a parasite growing in the middle, making it half healthy half sick. Please dispose of it." He did not look at me at all, but I could guess he also understood her.
"Yes, we must always dispose of the unhealthy things. Like pedophiles. They should be punished to the full of extent of the law, I think." She kept up her cheery disposition and I had no idea if she thought she was funny or if she was just being a bitch.
"I have more of a problem with the criminally insane," I said, glaring at her. "They cause so much trouble for everyone else."
"What an observant statement, Miss Bowen," he said. His voice dripped with sarcasm. "Now if you two wouldn't mind getting back to your potion instead of wasting my very important time." Finally, Hazel fell silent and began working on the potion but the rest of the day I was too furious to speak with her. Combining her miserable behavior with the fact I had to stay away from Severus indefinitely, my Friday was terrible. I even skipped dinner to wallow in my misery in the dorm. But Saturday arrived and I knew I was going to see Tom and meet Harry Potter in a few hours, so I mustered up all the positive energy I could. However, I did not muster up much energy for my appearance – I stuck with loose shorts and a tank top. Being the fifth wheel, I was allowed to be as casual as I wanted.
Upon arriving in The Three Broomsticks, I found out two things. One, I had gotten the starting time off by an hour and was thus late. Two, they had set me up on a blind date. By 'they' I mean Hazel, and she had arranged the date after she'd found out about Severus. That bitch. It was the Gryffindor I'd talked to after Care of Magical Creatures on Thursday. He was nice and cute enough. His hair was long and blond and his eyes were green. But even if I wasn't dating Severus I wouldn't date him. I still ended being up shoved into a booth with him and Hazel. Melanie, Tom, and Harry Potter sat on the other side.
"You are a fucking bitch," I told Hazel.
"I told you it would be a triple date," she said, acting innocent while everyone stared at me. I could not exactly tell her off while in front of everyone, so I slunk down in my seat and folded my arms across my chest instead. Immediately Hazel and Harry split off as did Tom and Razz, leaving me with the Gryffindor – Peter.
"So I'm guessing you didn't know I was coming?" he asked, sounding apologetic enough that I didn't beat his face in. Okay, I was not a violent person and would not do him harm anyway. But I was not exactly looking favorably at Hazel right now.
"It's not that," I said, not telling him the real reason. The less people who thought I had a secret boyfriend, the better.
"Well I knew you were my date," he admitted, turning slightly red. "I've always thought you were beautiful."
"Yeah, I try not to date at school. It's too messy, and then you have to have sex in broom closets or while the teacher's not looking and it's really frustrating business," I said, joking but not expecting him to laugh. He did.
"That's half the fun! The other half, of course, is being discovered." He was smiling and I was smiling and it was really weird.
"No, no. Those are both a third of the fun. The last third is when the teacher joins in."
"Oh yeah. Then we'd definitely have to do it in Potions. Snape is such a sexy beast," he said. He chose Snape because he thought he was the ugliest. I felt a little mad but didn't show it.
"Oh come on. He can't compare to Flitwick. Now that is the definition of sex on legs." We laughed together and ended our string of jokes but it felt really nice sitting with him. If I'd met him over the summer, I'd be all over him. After my intense attachment to Severus, it felt nice to be frivolous with and about someone. But no, I should not think like that. As much as I told myself that, I stayed three hours, drinking Butterbeers and joking with Peter. Finally I figured I needed to go and Peter walked me outside.
"What do you think?" he asked once we were alone.
"About?"
"Breaking your no-school-dating rule for me."
"Peter, you're really sweet, but–" He cut me off by stepping forward and crushing his lips against mine. Instantly I lost any kind of attraction to him and as he locked his arms around me I tried to lean back or get away. "Get the fuck away," I said, or tried to, but he kept his lips firmly against mine. It crossed the line between unwanted and creepy to a little scary. I was about ready to knee him in the balls when a shadow came over us and Peter stepped back. No, he was yanked back by…shit. Severus was grasping him firmly by the neck of his robes, an extremely sinister look in his eyes. I saw Professor McGonagall a few feet away, also walking over towards us. I wanted to die of embarrassment. I could have fought him off eventually!
"Mr. Aldred, what exactly were you doing with Miss Bowen?" Severus's voice was quiet but murderous. The bell attached to the door of The Three Broomsticks chimed and Hazel, Melanie, Harry, and Tom came out. I guessed by their facial expressions they had seen Peter rape my mouth. It was a little funny Tom looked more grossed than concerned. I mean, really, it wasn't that bad. I really just wanted this to be over with.
"It doesn't matter," I said, before Peter could answer and get himself in more trouble.
"Unfortunately, it does matter. We take all physical assaults very seriously." This was Professional McGonagall. As she spoke, she looked pointedly at Severus, who released his choking hold on Peter's robes. He seemed to be remembering himself and calming down. I couldn't believe he'd broken his façade over me.
"It wasn't an assault," I said clearly, but could not meet anyone's eyes. Until I looked up and saw Peter. He was grinning at me like we were friends. I wanted to punch his face, truly this time. "Yeah, it was sexual harassment." I felt a large amount of satisfaction as his grin dropped.
"Severus, could you please escort Mr. Aldred to the headmaster's office? Miss Bowen and I will be up shortly." Severus nodded and they started off towards the exit to Hogsmeade. It wasn't as if Peter would get suspended, just deducted a few points. Maybe detention. If he had to serve detention with Severus, I hope I got to see it.
"Razz, I'm so sorry!" Hazel exclaimed and then threw herself at me in a hug. "He didn't seem like a crappy person." I shrugged her off, still irritated about her attitude.
"If you didn't ignore what I told you last night, this would never have happened." Before I could fully get into lecture mode, Professor McGonagall swept me up to Dumbledore's office where I had to give a short but embarrassing testimony of Peter's actions. He ended up getting a week of detention, served under Severus. I could not help but be amused.
Sunday, the fact that I couldn't visit Severus made me want nothing else. Of course I caught up on my homework but it was difficult being in the library with everyone staring at me. Word had gotten around fast about Peter's stunt and 99% of the school thought I was being stupid. I agreed with them but looking at his infuriating smile, I had been unable to stay quiet and let everything blow over.
I had considered skipping dinner, but it was announced we were having an impromptu feast and I decided to go. Hazel, of course, acted all happy to see me and insisted I sit by her. I cheered up a little by how nice and obviously apologetic she was being. It was hard to stay mad. Even Melanie got in on it and so by the time Professor Dumbledore stood up at the end of the meal, I was feeling quite full and happy.
"Hello, treasured students. You must be wondering what we are celebrating today. The answer to that will be explained to you by Salene Snape!" He clapped and the students joined in, but they also whispered over her last name. Hazel shot me a questioning look but I just shrugged.
When Salene entered the Great Hall stepped up to the podium, she was completely different than she'd been in Severus's quarters. Her features were arranged into careful aloofness and her attitude was even chillier than her cousin's. I glanced over at Severus and found him watching her as if viewing an interesting creature under a microscope.
"As you are all aware, the Dark Lord is rising every day in power. Here at Hogwarts, we believe the best offense is defense, and thus are interested in upping your defensive training. As a step towards this goal, the esteemed Headmaster Dumbledore has decided to have two different full times teachers. The first is, of course, your current Professor Ulworth and the second will be none other than your Potions master, Professor Snape. I will be taking over his former position. To avoid confusion, I will be referred to as Professor Salene." The speech, delivered from a different person, may have been genuine and nice enough. Coming from her lips, it sounded like she was mocking everyone and everything she spoke of. As everyone buzzed about this change, she continued to talk, raising her voice to be heard. "You will also have a few guest instructors. The first will be Hogwarts alumni Harry Potter. He is scheduled to be here all next week, and will be teaching only fifth through seventh years." Disappointed groans of younger students were heard around the Great Hall. Salene simply took the empty seat next to Severus. I didn't know how many other people noticed, but I definitely saw the small smile they exchanged.
Something was up. Salene and Severus had come back together from a Death Eater meeting and now Salene was becoming a teacher at Hogwarts. She had been bright and cheery in his quarters and was now as cold and rude as Severus portrayed himself. Well okay, the simple answer to those questions was Salene was also a spy. But how were two people managing to play off being extremely close to both the most powerful 'dark' wizard and the most powerful 'light' wizard? I was probably over thinking it.
What I was not over thinking was the fact that Severus had misled me. He'd told me Salene would be the DADA teacher. Why would he lie about something like that? It didn't exactly reveal any sort of information, except maybe that the rumors were true and he'd always lusted after the DADA position. Well, now he had it. So?
While I prepared for school on Monday I remembered Severus had told me not to visit him while his cousin was here. But Salene had announced she'd be taking over potions permanently. Did that mean-?
An hour before class was due to begin, I was pounding on the classroom door. I was unsurprised to find Severus here so early. "Is she here?" I asked, she being Salene. He gestured me inside and locked the door behind me.
"We're alone," he said. "Is something wrong?"
"You said I couldn't visit you until Salene left." There wasn't enough time for preamble.
"I did say that, didn't I?"
"So…I can't see you the rest of the year?"
"It appears to be that way," he said. He adopted that pseudo-casual tone he had, and I hated it. I hated more that I could not see him so I opted for being sad over getting mad. "I would very much like to continue our relationship during your seventh year, if I am still alive and employed here." I could not stand what was happening, but the truth was I could do nothing. He could very easily and efficiently lock me out of his life. Pleading and begging, like I strongly felt like doing, would only make me appear pathetic. I was pathetic but I didn't have to appear to be.
Instead, I walked forward, pushed myself into him, and kissed him with as much passion as I could muster. I had never thought of either of us being passionate. We were not the type of people to fall over each other in lust. But I figured if this was the last time we'd be together this way, I'd make it as memorable as possible. I eased him over to his desk and felt a tingle of nerves as he pulled me down on top of him. Apparently he didn't care about caution anymore.
But then my thoughts caught up with me. I thought about how hard it was now to stay away from him, and we'd barely done more than light kissing. I thought about how I loved him, and having sex would only make my love deepen. I thought about the indifference he'd shown when telling me we couldn't see each other anymore. I thought about his absolute fury when Peter had kissed me against my will. And I turned away from him.
"I think you should leave," he said. His voice was hoarse and quiet but also a little mean. I turned back to face him and focused on the bridge of his nose rather than his eyes.
"I think I deserve an explanation. I've wasted two weeks pining away for you and you said you felt at least a little of the same. Half the time I think you care about me and half the time I think you'd be happy if I died. But I am so completely…I can't stop wanting you. You told me you were done fighting against me but you sure as fuck don't act that way." There. That was my little speech. I mostly expected him to dismiss me without a second thought. I did not expect him to get mad, because getting mad means you care in some form.
"Do you not realize I act so divided because I am? You are still just a child and every day I feel so disgusted that I enjoy you so much. I think that feeling will always be with me and I can't give you what you deserve while it is," he said. His tone made me feel like a stupid little worm. I felt a confession of love pushing at my lips but I swallowed it down. Now was not the time.
"Then why did you ever say yes?" I asked. I could tell what he'd just said was not a new revelation to him.
"I thought if I am already going to hell, I might as well enjoy the ride." For the callousness of the words, his voice had become soft. I wanted to crawl into his arms. I couldn't be the first to break down. I smoothed my hair down with my hands.
"But now you are trying to save your soul?" Severus walked forward and took my face in his hands, forcing me to meet his eyes.
"I am trying to save yours." I felt tears stinging my eyes. I hated being weak. "Raspberry, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't get pulled down by the darkness I have chosen to live in."
"The problem with that," I said, "is that my life is already devoted to yours." He stroked my face with the long, thin fingers I had once admired.
"Devote it to something else." He dropped his hands and turned his back to me. "Please leave my classroom, Miss Bowen."
"I have this class next," I said. He never answered me.