Part Two: Liberation
The last week before Winter Break, Salene still taught Potions and Severus still taught DADA. Harry Potter had become a regular fixture, appearing every couple of weeks to give demonstrations. He'd even taught a class of first years, spouting the usual bullshit about children being our future. He was just a child himself. He and Hazel had not worked out as a couple, but she had taken his virginity and bragged about it to anyone who would listen. Melanie and Tom were still going strong. I missed Severus more and more every day. The only thing that stopped me from throwing myself at him daily was my return to scheduling. There was no time in the day to make a fool of myself.
To make matters worse, Salene was so similar to him it was like seeing him every day. I had taken to eating only what Hazel brought up from the Hall, because I could not stand to be with both of them at once. However, she was getting a little tired of bringing me food and had told me she couldn't do it anymore. I'd stuck it out since Thursday but now, Sunday, I was too damn hungry to wait. I only hoped that since it was the weekend, Severus and Salene would not be there. Of course that hope was not consistent with reality – where else would they eat? – and they were both there. I could not help but stare and be resentfully jealous of Salene. She got to know sides of Severus I never would. Well, he'd said my seventh year…but no. If he didn't want me now, I didn't want him then.
I sat down in the seat closest to the door and intended to eat quickly. But I didn't have enough energy to shovel food into my face. I ended up picking at bits and pieces, tearing them off the main portion and slowly grinding them to dust with my teeth. It was unsatisfying but got me full enough that I could leave. I didn't. I sat there with my elbows on the table, my head in my hands, and stared at the two Snapes.
Severus looked clean but extremely unhappy. His usual bitter expression had been replaced by genuine anger and worry. His lips moved quickly but very little as he spoke to Salene. She looked a little less troubled, but not much. I thought of the torrent of questions I'd had when Salene first arrived. There still was something going on deeper than two spies. I wished I'd paid more attention to the war so that I could have at least a chance of guessing what was happening. As it was, I'd never really been concerned with the whole You-Know-Who mess. I wasn't a Pureblood but I had a distinct line of Wizarding family, so I wasn't going to be affected. Now I could see how selfish that was, knowing how others were affected.
"Razz?" I turned around and saw Melanie, smiling timidly. "Can I sit with you?" I shrugged and she took that as a yes and plopped down across from me. I didn't want to talk with her. I wanted to stare moodily at Severus. No, no I didn't. That was unhealthy. "I know we haven't talked much this year but I wanted to let you know…I know how it is to have problems. If you ever want to talk with me, I'm here. Or maybe you should get professional help…we have a therapist you know." I did know because I'd discussed Melanie with her several times. But I tried to imagine her reaction to me confessing the two weeks I'd spent with Severus. No, that would not go over well. I wondered if Salene knew.
Then suddenly, sitting there as Melanie tried to counsel me, I thought of a way to reach Severus. Salene. Of course. She was the only person he cared remotely about. If I could just get her on my side, he'd have to be with me. The whole idea of 'I'm leaving because you deserve better' is such bullshit. There had to be something wrong that made him not like me. Well yes, he'd told me that too. He didn't want me to be sucked into his spying. Well, I was strong enough to handle that. I would show him, with the help of his cousin.
Without bothering to say goodbye, I stood up and walked out of the Hall, to the grounds. It was dark and I could see only a shadowy outline of Hagrid's hut and the faint moonlight reflections off the surface of the lake. I began to walk around the grounds to think. There was already dew on the grass and within minutes my shoes were soaked through. I didn't mind. I just had to think of the best way to get Salene as my friend. That was a weird thought. The thing I found so motivating was that I knew, underneath everything, she was a normal, friendly person. Severus was dark and malicious through and through, with just a little bit of niceness buried deep. Not her. But how to do it? Well, there were really the same options I had when I'd been trying to seduce Severus, only without the kissing. I could get in trouble and make sure she was the one punishing me. I could try offering to help her out with grading or something.
I could tell her I loved Severus. I wasn't positive that he had told her about me; in fact, he probably hadn't. But I could trust that she wouldn't rat him out. That is, if she really was a spy for Professor Dumbledore. But she had to be, right? Both men were more than capable of seeing through someone's lies.
That night, I had a hard time sleeping. I was too excited about my plan.
The following Monday was a day that began with Severus. I was, as always, one of the last to enter the classroom. That day someone had taken my table at the back of the room. The only open seat was in the center front row. For a few seconds, I contemplated bullying them into moving. But it was a big, muscular male Slytherin and I thought I could no more bully him than throw him. So, trying to scrunch into myself and disappear, I walked to the front and took a seat. Professor Snape glanced up from the papers he was grading, and for a second he made eye contact with me. He'd avoided me just as avidly as I'd avoided him, so to meet his eyes after three months sent a jolt through my stomach. He looked back down as I tried to calm myself. This was ridiculous. I should be better controlled than to fall apart at one simple little look from him. The sad truth was that my control was severely lacking.
"Alright children, it is time for you to attempt the feat of thinking." With that, Severus stood up and gazed around the classroom. I poised my quill to take notes as he began to lecture about a new spell. However, he had barely begun speaking when he fell silent. I looked up and saw his teeth were visibly clenched and he had lost all pigmentation in his face. Without another word, he turned on his heel and strode into the closet. The class broke into whispers of concern or giggles, depending on the house. I stared at the slightly ajar door. Doing so allowed me to see the tip of a wand come out the entrance and then jerk. At the exact same moment, my textbook flew off my desk and hit the wall. I was still looking at it when Snape came out and glared around the room. "Who threw that?" he demanded. I did not understand. He had clearly thrown it himself, with magic. But no one else had seen what I had, so they all pointed at me. Assholes. "Into the hall, now," he snapped and I reluctantly followed.
When we were alone, I thought about the night he'd finally claimed me. The last night we'd been together. Then I quickly banished all those thoughts from my mind and met his eyes. They were narrowed and angry and I was about to ask him what was up when he took my hand and placed it on his forearm. The fabric was exceedingly warm, and for a second I didn't understand. Then I realized it was the same place where his Dark Mark was. I flinched at the understanding of what I was feeling and jerked my hand back. I still hated that ugly thing. "I have to go," he said, and for just a split second he was Severus, not Professor Snape. "I know I'm in no position to ask favors of you, but will you please find Salene and ask her to watch this class? This is her free period but she will probably be in her classroom." I thought about the last time I had known his Mark was burning, and my desire to kiss him goodbye. The desire was still there and I hated myself for it. I wanted to say no, spitefully, but now was not the time to play games.
"Okay," I said. Without further ado he reached under his sleeve and was then gone. I cried a little while I walked down to the dungeons. After everything, he still trusted me. Sure, it was in a situation where I was his only option. But no – he could have flooed or sent a Slytherin without an explanation. I tried to feel hopeful from this but at the same time I didn't want to. He'd made it perfectly clear he didn't want me. And this was how my mind had worked for three whole fucking months – wanting him and not wanting him and knowing he didn't want me but pretending he did. It was so pointless and lazy and I needed to do something about it or get the hell over it.
When I told Salene why I was in her classroom, without mentioning the dark mark, she agreed to watch over the class. She was in no rush as we walked back towards the DADA classroom, and about halfway there she said, "Why did he send you, the troublemaker?" I looked at her and tried to tell if she knew about us or not. She decidedly didn't.
"Maybe he knows I can keep secrets," I said, and she stopped walking to stare at me.
"What does that mean?" Her tone was extremely suspicious and I avoided her eyes, in case she knew Legilimency too.
"Now's not the time," I said, and she rolled her eyes. Although she was being short tempered, she didn't appear to be acting, and she wasn't cold. This was as good a time as any, actually. I was just extremely concerned about getting Severus in trouble, still. Do something or get over it, I reminded myself, and decided to do something. "Alright well, actually, I will tell you the reason was in his quarters that night was not because I was playing a prank." She just kept staring for a second, and then she began to laugh, the same laugh she'd had the night I met her.
"Oh dear Merlin, you're what's got him so upset? This is so typical Severus, falling in love with a baby, and his student too. He just loves to be tortured, you know." I didn't bother telling her I wasn't a baby. He was more than double my age, after all. I thought about her saying he was upset. I didn't believe it. After all, she thought he loved me; her information couldn't be too good.
"He doesn't love me," I told her, feeling a little stupid. "He hasn't talked to me since you got here."
"So you were in your fifth year when he hit on you? He's such a dirty old man," she said, but was clearly amused.
"No, it was just the two weeks. And I hit on him!" I became a little too defensive at the end, and she laughed and began walking again. I followed a little sullenly. Everything she said, although peppered with laughter, made me feel like an idiot. I didn't like her as much as I thought I would.
"Oh, he loves you alright. But denying you just makes him all the more turbulent, so he'll do it. Probably forever. I hope you weren't planning on ever having a real relationship." I thought about the night I'd told him I wanted to have his babies and went bright red. Luckily Salene was a few paces ahead of me and did not see.
"You're very hard on him," I said, and I saw her thin shoulders go up and down in a shrug.
"He has made his life much more difficult than it has to be. If he'd just rejected the Dark Lord in his youth, he could have married that girl he loved so much. But then again, if he did that the world would never have their 'Chosen One'." She was not speaking as if revealing a huge secret, but she was. I had not made the connection between Lily Evans and Lily Potter, Harry Potter's mother. But now that Salene said it, I felt incredibly stupid for not recognizing her in the picture. Why hadn't he told me? Severus had lied so much about such inconsequential things.
Wait. He had said it was his fault Lily and her husband had died. But You-Know-Who had killed them, right? I puzzled over this until the moment we stepped into the DADA classroom, and saw Severus at the front, lecturing. He stopped when we stepped in and I felt extraordinarily awkward. There was no way we took long enough for him to come back. But looking at the mounted clock, I saw we had taken half an hour. Half an hour? How had that time slipped away? Still, that must have been one short Death Eater meeting.
"What took you so long?" Professor Snape asked Salene, ignoring my presence entirely. I took that opportunity to slip into my seat as quietly as possible.
"Raspberry here told me a very interesting story about the start of her term, is all," she said, staying as impassive as she always did in public. But I could tell she would be grinning if it was just the cousins. Snape lost his cool, on the other hand, and ordered her to leave. He cast a filthy glare at me when he returned to the front of the classroom and then continued his demonstration. My plan had backfired horrendously. Not only was Salene not sympathetic to my aim, but Severus was angry with me. So getting her on my side had failed. That again brought me to the choice: do something or get over it.
I raised my hand and Professor Snape stopped and glowered at me. "What idiotic question do you possibly have about this very simple spell?" For a second, I felt hurt. Then I told myself he didn't mean it, and I was going to do my own hurtful acting in a second.
"I could not possibly think of a question as stupid as your lecture," I said, and then picked up the textbook he had charmed and threw it at his head. He moved, of course. My throw was terrible and his reflexes were good. That did not stop him from being incredibly pissed off.
"Everyone but Miss Bowen, get out." His roar was obeyed instantly. Hazel hesitated a second to cast me a look of confusion, but she also hurried and left. That left me and Professor Snape, alone. I felt triumphant. Then I realized it was not Snape, it was Severus, and he was genuinely frustrated with me. "What exactly are you trying to accomplish?"
"I think I'm trying to aggravate you into paying attention to me. See, it worked." And we were back to the beginning of the year, with my pathetic jokes and his angry silence. I wanted to cry. I wanted to ask him why he had fucked everything up.
"I don't understand why you can't wait until your seventh year. You will be legal then, at least, and Salene will be gone."
"You told me you don't think you're going to live through the war," I said, and the tears were building up but were not yet close to spilling. "It's only nine months, sure, but what if you die before then? I'm already going to spend the rest of my life wanting to be with you, I don't want to spend it having regrets too." For the first time I considered the fact that, no matter the outcome of his role as spy, he would die a considerable amount of time before I did. I didn't want to think about that.
There was a long silence, an infinity of silence. I thought Severus would going to ridicule me for being the ridiculous girl I was and then send me out. His expression was angry enough for that.
"I can't promise you anything after," Severus said, "but you may stay at my home during Christmas. Salene will be there, but I think that is just for the better. I don't want to get too comfortable, and if we were alone–" He stopped but I got what he was saying.
"I can't spend two weeks with you and then just give you up. Not again." It was so hard to say but I thought about the hell the past three months had been and I knew I could not go through it once more. I sat in breathless suspense as Severus turned his head so I could only see his profile and closed his eyes.
"The best I can do is to say I won't ignore you again." That didn't mean very much. It could mean a few 5 minute conversations after his class. If being friends with him was the least I would get, I would take it.
"Okay," I said. It was the normal ending time for the class and so I moved to retrieve my textbook. He picked it up for me and held it out. I took it and our fingers touched and it was not an accident. I had no desire to kiss him because now was not the right time and this empty classroom was not the right place. "Sorry about the book." My voice came out funny and I cleared my throat and he smiled a little.
"We'll discuss your punishment later." It sounded more fun than threatening.