***

Thanks to lovebug21 for the review. Thanks to vivalavidaa for the review. Thanks to Jessi84 for the review. And a happy belated birthday.

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By the way, I also update this story on a DeviantArt and a Blogspot. Check those out if you so wish.

deviant name: OccipitalLobe

Blogspot: SWASWT

Also: I will be posting little Horatio/Rick ficlets outside of SWASWT that go with the season/holiday/occasion. The one that I'm posting along with this is dedicated to the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. Yay! Check it out.

I do not own or claim to own CSI: Miami characters. I do not own or claim to own CSI: NY characters. This is fanmade and I make absolutely no profit off of this. I do this for my own amusement.

On with the show…

***

Chapter Five: Confessions

Rick lay on his stomach, looking occasionally at the door from his position on the bed, wondering what Horatio was doing on the other side. He sighed heavily before dropping his head into his arms. He didn't know if Horatio was going to report him or just pretend it didn't happen. He wasn't sure what was worse. He reached down towards his feet to grab a pillow from the headboard; he pulled it up towards him and hugged it, pulling the soft downy thing under his body. He pressed his face against it; it felt cool and had a beautiful calming effect on him. He sighed again and looked sadly at Horatio's bed. He sat up as he heard a knock at the door.

"Can I come in?" Horatio's gentle voice wondered from the other side of the door. Rick didn't say a word, but did replace his pillow.

"Can I take your silence as a 'yes'?" Horatio continued. Stetler looked down into the bed, still feeling a little ashamed of what he did.

Slowly the door opened and the redhead stepped in. He looked at Rick sitting on the bed, not sure of what to really think or say; at this moment he was just happy to not have any eye contact. Slowly he wandered into the room, his undershirt was in a crumpled mass he carried in and threw on his bed. He sat down, a little nervous, truly attempting to not hurt Rick with the unavoidable conversation they must soon have.

Stetler looked over at the breathtaking redhead sitting on the other bed. His shirt was partially unbuttoned, showing off a bit of soft crimson chest hair. He was barefoot, trying very hard to appear relaxed for the talk. The more casual Horatio got the more he dressed down, this was so far from the Lieutenant Caine he saw at the lab. Rick's chocolate colored eyes began to scan over his lover's body, undressing him once again in his mind. Stetler turned away before his desires impulse him to do worse to Horatio.

"Rick," Horatio started. Stetler looked up, smiling to himself; Horatio rarely ever calls him by his first name, his heart always skips a beat whenever he does. "I take it that there is something you would like to discuss with me".

Hands trembling and with a shaking breath Rick tried to speak, but couldn't. It was too much; he shook his head before slumping his shoulders and falling into his hands.

"I know this can't be easy for you," Horatio continued, "But you need to get this off of your chest. Anyone can see that your thoughts are tormenting you". Horatio looked sadly over at his roommate, who still hadn't recovered. "Look, it's not easy for me either," the redhead said quietly, Stetler gave no response. "We have to spend the rest of the night and most of tomorrow together; do you want to spend it like this?"

Rick looked up at Horatio, quickly turning away before they locked their gaze for too long. He knew that his lover was right. "I…I meant you no disrespect," Rick finally stammered out after a long pause.

"And I meant you none," Horatio said, nodding as he began to wonder if much more of this talk would fall together that easily.

"Great," Stetler declared, standing up. "Now that that's over I say we both have a nice scotch, I was able to find some in the bottom shelf. You'd like it; it's a very good year. You do drink, right?" He started his way to the door, his voice quickening with each step, "If you don't I also happened to find a bunch of cigars. You smoke cigars right? Yeah, I've seen you smoke before. But if you don't do either anymore I could just bring you a nice cool glass of water. Or would you rather just have more fish?"

Rick reached for the doorknob, trying to make his escape. Horatio grabbed him by the wrist and wedged himself between Stetler and the door.

"You're only making this worse for yourself, Rick," Horatio said forcefully.

"I know," the defeated Stetler slumped over again and sighed almost pitifully.

Horatio, not quite sure what he was doing, wrapped his arms around Rick. "It's okay," the redhead whispered into his ear, "You know I didn't mean to insult you. I honestly didn't know that…well that you were…well are…erm… gay?" Horatio stood there, holding Rick and praying that he was right in this new assumption or else things could get really awkward.

Stetler rested in Horatio's arms, although he was still shaking a little. The redhead was right though, but he never felt this way towards many other men. He rested his chin against the side of Horatio's head and tried to relax. He smiled as he realized just how strong and comforting the lieutenant's embrace could be. How soothing Horatio's voice is.

"I…" Rick stammered, "I'm not…how can I phrase it? Erm…'actively' gay. I mean, I'm single but I'm not looking for anyone. I haven't been in a serious relationship since college".

"What about Yelina?" Horatio demanded, his temper still flared when the memories of them together came rushing back.

"I dated Yelina because," Rick stuttered, "because," he dropped his head onto Horatio's shoulder and breathed heavily, "because I thought that she could bring me closer to you". He stood there quietly as he felt Horatio's hand slide up his back and onto his neck. "I didn't know that you would see it as… I didn't expect you to… I just didn't know that you had feelings for her," Rick sighed as his voice began to shake. "And I never meant to hurt her. What happened was, well I thought I could come out to her. Not about you, not yet at least," Stetler began to feel his anger as he relived the memory, "She said that what I felt was sick. That it was unnatural. That a 'real' man like Ray or… or you would never feel that way towards another man. She called me a bad influence on her son. It was too much, I expected Yelina to be more sympathetic, but she was as bad as everyone else. Before I knew it she was one the ground with a blackened eye and I was ordering her to never breathe a word of what happened to anyone. I threatened to take her son away from her if she spoke about it. I didn't know what to do, so I quietly picked up my things and went home.

"We didn't see each other again until that night you came to break us up. We had the same argument, pretty much, but this time a little louder. Ray Jr. didn't hear what I am, just the empty threats I made to his mother; I completely understand why he called you. Before I knew what was happening I was on the floor with a black eye and she was threatening to take away my job. She declared the relationship over and sent me away. When I saw you my heart just broke. You looked at me like I got everything that I deserved and that you would kill me if I ever tried anything like that again. I just wanted to get close to you Horatio; I never meant to hurt anyone. And at the lab, I was just doing my job, a job I took so I would still be able to see you every now and then. You remember, like we were in New York".

Horatio held Rick's now heavily sobbing body next to him. He closed his eyes and remembered seeing the other man every now and again as he rushed from class to class, being driven by the potential of a career at the NYPD. They did talk, but conversations were few and far between; which made Horatio wonder how Rick attached to him. When the time had come that he needed to escape from bad memories, he went south to Miami. He never knew that Rick was following him. He never really thought about it before.

The redhead gently stood Stetler back up; he was still shaking and weeping. His light brown eyes were swollen part way shut. There were several eye-shaped tear stains on Horatio's shirt. Rick dropped his face into a hand and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Horatio".

"You're going to be okay," Horatio whispered gently. He wiped a tear from Rick's face and said quietly, "go into the bathroom and wash up. Don't worry; I'll be here when you're done".

Rick made a soft little noise and nodded in agreement, wiping away some more tears with his sleeve. Horatio sat down on his bed and listened as water began to rush out of the sink. Carefully, he sat perfectly still and heard Rick collapse and begin to sob harder. Horatio buried his face in his hands and sighed.

***

The redhead lay back onto his bed, arching his back and getting himself comfortable. He looked up at the ceiling mournfully. He only admitted it to a few people, most people close enough to him could figure it out anyways. However, given the circumstances, he believed he should tell Stetler.

Horatio laid on his bed, wondering how tonight will end and how tomorrow will begin. He wondered if, when they went back to the hotel, they could ever be the same. If anything should happen, would it be kept a secret? He wasn't sure. He wasn't sure of anything anymore. He played several scenarios in his head, all lead to indecisive conclusions.

Rick stepped out of the bathroom, his eyes bloodshot, but his nerves under control. Horatio sat up and looked at the other man.

"Are you sure you don't want a drink or a cigar or anything?" Rick asked, his voice tired.

Horatio shook his head.

"Then I'll just grab enough for me," Stetler said timidly as he approached the door again.

"Rick, wait," Horatio called.

Rick stopped, but didn't turn around. He was afraid of what ridicule or questioning it was possible for him to endure at this time. He didn't want to talk to the lieutenant; he didn't even want to look at him anymore, convinced that he would just get hurt again.

"Sit down, I have something I need to tell you," Horatio whispered.

Rick didn't know what would happen next. He figured it would be really good news or really heartbreaking news. He sat down on his respective bed, fully expecting a 'I would love to make you feel better about this, but…'. He heard it all before, he was just hoping Horatio was different.

"Rick," Horatio sighed heavily before continuing, "I have a confession".

This was unexpected.

"It's something," Horatio continued, "That I don't say often. That's because most people who know me well enough already know, and those who don't know me well enough don't need to know. You see, the truth is," Horatio sighed, "I'm bi".

Rick looked up at Horatio as if he never knew that that collection of words could be arranged in that order before. Thoroughly confused, Rick began to form the word "what?", but decided against it. He sat and looked at Horatio, just blinking. What could he say? Does this mean that he has a chance with this redhead? He wasn't sure.

Horatio bowed his head, smiling to himself as he rendered Rick speechless. "I've been bi ever since I was a teenager," Horatio began, "I've never gone out with a man in any serious sense; I've found myself attracted to some: celebrities, co-workers, and so on. Rather than hide from it like many people do, I accepted it. I never really found the need to tell anyone before".

Rick was nodding and gently rocking back and forth as he tried to process the information. Suddenly something Horatio said hit him.

"'co-workers'?" he asked.

"Yeah," Horatio said quietly. "The most obvious one I guess has been Mac Taylor. Some people back in New York…Daniel Backster, Matt Harrison, Bill Kent…you don't know them. Tim Speedle…"

Horatio's voice trailed off for a moment as his mind played back to him his friend's last moments. The redhead fell silent; he could still see the look of terror in Tim's eyes before he passed away. He could still feel Speedle's blood against his hands and face.

Horatio's silence always seemed to unnerve Rick. He watched as the lieutenant turned away and began to sink back into the secluded world of his own mind. Stetler could see the nightmare play itself once more before Horatio's eyes. The redhead's breath grew uneasy as he forced back the tears that had always needed to fall for Speedle.

"He died in your arms, didn't he?" Rick whispered to Horatio.

Horatio sat at the edge of his bed, trembling. The memory still played for him, the feeling of Speedle's final breath. To almost see the life slipping out of Tim's body and knowing that there was nothing he could do about it. He was helpless; he couldn't forgive himself for not being able to save his fellow CSI. He couldn't save Tim, just like he couldn't save his wife, Ray or his mother.

"I told him," Horatio gasped as he struggled not to cry, "that he would be alright". His breath grew shaky; he could feel himself being overcome by raw emotions. "I couldn't even tell him how much he meant to me," Horatio could no longer control his voice.

Finally, despite all the control that Horatio could give himself, a single tear pooled in his eye and slipped down his cheek into his lap. His hand flew up to his face; he touched the moist track his tear left on him. A second then fell, then a third. He turned his head away, he hadn't wept in front of anyone in years. Stetler reached out his hand, placing it gently on the redhead's shoulder.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of," Rick said gently.

Horatio doubled over and released a moan of incredible pain. He felt his heart begin to break again and the full weight that all his secrets put upon him. He sobbed and gasped, trying to regain control of himself.

"It's too fucking much," Horatio moaned softly, his face damp with tears.

Rick didn't know what else to do; all he could really offer his love now is comfort. He carefully brought Horatio to his feet, steadying him. Then he pulled down the comforter and quilts to the foot of the bed. He fluffed the pillows, backed away and indicated to Horatio to lie down. Unsure at first, but then obediently, he lay down. Stetler rolled the other man over onto his side so they could face each other.

"I'll be right back," Rick soothingly whispered to the redhead.

Horatio looked up and watched the other man disappear into the bathroom. He wasn't quite sure as to what will happen next, but he let his tears still fall; he felt like a load was being lifted from him with each drop. It was a beautiful release, it hurt terribly, but he knew that when it was over that he would feel much better.

Stetler came out of the bathroom with a box of tissues and a wastebasket. He pulled the covers up around Horatio and put the tissues on the nightstand. He looked down upon the sweet man lying on the bed. He ran his fingers through Horatio's soft red hair. Horatio reached up and grabbed a handful of tissues, drying his face.

"I'm going to let you alone now," Stetler said softly. "I'll be reading on the couch in case you need anything. Okay?"

Horatio nodded in agreement, blinking a few more tears out of his eyes. Rick smiled and turned to leave.

"Rick?" Horatio called out.

Stetler turned, looking down into his lover's eyes: still a beautiful shade of blue although now bloodshot and swollen.

"Come here," the redhead whispered.

Rick walked back across the room to Horatio's side. Before he could ask what was wrong, Horatio reached up his hand and onto the back of Stetler's neck. Smoothly, Horatio sat up, reaching with his other hand to Rick's cheek.

Horatio breathed nervously and he pulled the other man in towards him. He closed his eyes and gently brushed his lips over Stetler's. Rick moaned softly as he felt Horatio's soft lips against his once again. Stetler slipped one hand onto the small of Horatio's back and the other he tangled in the other man's silky hair.

Their lips remained locked until Horatio broke away, desperately in need of air. Rick pulled Horatio closer, pressing his lips into the redhead's neck.

"Rick," Horatio whispered calmly, gently pulling himself free.

Stetler turned away, embarrassed that he was beginning to push his luck.

"Thank you".

Stetler gazed one last time into Horatio's eyes before responding, "Anything you need". He stroked the redhead one last time before disappearing into the other room.