We ended up not going to dinner, and Salene did not disturb us. When I woke up I realized I still had yet to kiss Severus, and I had no desire to. Then I realized I was hungry and had to pee. And finally it hit me that it was Christmas Eve and that I had not gotten a present for Severus. In all my excitement to be back with him, I had forgotten the reason was a present-giving holiday. Shit.
With as little movement as possible, I slid out from under Severus's arm and the covers. He looked so unguarded sleeping. I wanted to touch his face. Instead, I cleaned my dirty clothes with a few wand flicks, put them into my bag, and pulled out a fresh outfit. I ended up with black tights, a black skirt, and a light blue sweater. It was a little reminiscent of my school uniform but that was okay. I slipped my shoes on and then crept out, careful not to let the heavy doors slam. Once into the hallway, I relaxed a little and focused on the task of finding the kitchen or bathroom. The bathroom I found easier, just a few doors down.
It took quite a while of wandering up and down stairs and peeking into rooms to find the kitchen. It actually didn't have a door but was on the third floor, which I found a little odd. Salene was sitting in it, drinking something red and steamy out of a mug. When she saw me, she grinned. "Hey jailbait," she said, apparently her permanent name for me. "Did he have a small penis?" I felt my face turn hot and assumed I was blushing.
"No, it was so large it was uncomfortable," I said. I may be embarrassed but I could play along. She grinned and shook her head, taking another sip of her drink. She was sitting on a stool, wearing a silk robe, and had her legs crossed at the knee. The image was so typical and Muggle I wanted to laugh and ask if she was as blood-crazy as most Death Eaters were. But, she wasn't a Death Eater, was she? She hadn't been called away by a Dark Mark. I tried to look at her forearms but they were hidden, her arms pressed against her chest. "I need your help."
"Hey, if you can't please him, I'm not helping. He's my cousin, for Merlin's sake."
"No, no. I forgot to get him a Christmas present," I said.
"You don't think last night was enough?" At the dirty look I gave her, Salene set down her drink and grinned. She was such a strange person. "Alright, alright. Did you bring money or do I need to lend you some?" she asked, running a hand over her already smooth hair.
"I brought some."
"Let me get dressed and we can Floo in to the Leaky Cauldron." She got up, her arms still hidden, and left. I walked over to her drink and took a sniff. Odorless. I lifted up the cup and took a tiny sip. It tasted awful. I walked over to the sink and spat in it, then began opening cupboards to find cups. I was only on my third attempt when Severus walked in. He watched me for a second, then pulled out his wand and Accio'd a cup to himself. He handed it to me with a smirk.
"Ha, ha, show off," I muttered. It sucked to be so close to being able to perform magic outside of school but not quite there. I filled the cup with water and downed it three times before the taste began to fade. As an added bonus, the water took the edge off my hunger. But I still wanted food. "I'm hungry."
"I hope you know how to prepare your own food by now," he said, sitting down on the stool Salene had previously occupied. He had fully dressed in his robes. He hadn't been lying when he said he never wore Muggle clothes.
"That's not very romantic," I said, sticking out my lower lip. He shrugged. "How about you feed my stomach and I'll feed your libido." I winked and he actually smiled and I felt very happy that my corny jokes had finally made him amused, even if in a condescending way, but then Salene burst in and ruined it.
"Please keep your x-rated comments out of my earshot," she said. She had changed into robes, also, a dark blue set. She walked over to Severus and tried to shove him off his seat. He stared at her with raised eyebrows and she just pushed harder. I giggled, unable to stop myself. I felt so blessed to be a part of their world.
"We can't do that if you're sneaking up on us," he said curtly, firmly in place on the stool. "What are you dressed so special for?"
"I'm taking your illegal girlfriend out for a day on the town." She smiled at me in the obnoxious way she had and Severus turned to me with his eyebrows once again up. "We already discussed your penis size so I guess we'll have to talk about gray your pubes are. Or maybe how saggy your balls are." I felt my blush returning, hotter than ever, and opened the refrigerator in an attempt to ignore the conversation. Obviously it didn't work. She was so vulgar and immature it was unbelievable. It would have been less mortifying if my relationship with Severus was actually sexual, but the fact that we were so relatively innocent made it gross.
As they bickered, I made French toast, and they calmed down enough to eat. After, I fetched my money purse and Salene whisked me off to Diagon Alley. We wandered the shops for a while but every idea I had was quickly shot down by Salene or my own reasoning. An owl? No, because it was too risky for him to use the same animal every time. Jewelry? No, because we weren't in a permanent state. Potions ingredients? No, too impersonal, and he could get them all himself. Books? Once again, too impersonal, and I had no idea what he liked to read. Robes? They were too expensive and I had no idea about his size.
Around noon we took a break and Salene bought me lunch. It suddenly occurred to me that if other students saw us together, rumors would spread. Oh well. It was too late now. It did, however, increase my desire to finish shopping. As we threw away our trash, Salene announced Severus was impossible to shop for.
"No," I said, struck with inspiration. "I don't want you to know what it is, though."
"Oh, come on! I chaperone you for hours and then you decide to withhold from me?" she asked, sounding genuinely annoyed.
"Sorry," I said. "Can we meet back at the Leaky Cauldron in two hours?" Grudgingly, she agreed, and trudged off into the crowds. As soon as I was sure she was gone, I fought my way through the crowds to a nameless, small "collectibles and knick knacks" shop next to Quality Quidditch Supplies. Inside, there were rows and rows of random, useless items. And there was a small section devoted to what I was looking for. I talked to the man and he assured me he could do what I wanted in less than two hours. I left and bought chocolates and perfume for Salene. They were cliché gifts but they were better than nothing, and she didn't deserve nothing. After I had a little time to browse and walk around and then I had to go pick up Severus's present and meet Salene. She had lost her irritated edge and was grinning at me widely. She had her own bags and I wondered what she'd bought Severus. I didn't ask because if I didn't tell her of my purchases, she certainly wouldn't tell me of hers.
"Finally! Let's go," she said, and flooed out first.
Dinnertime found all three of us in the library. Severus and I were stretched out together on a couch, he reading a textbook on defensive magic and I simply enjoying his presence. Salene sat in a leather armchair, her feet tucked under her as she read. She occasionally glanced up at us and smirked but I tried to ignore it.
It was silent when a house elf shuffled in. She was extremely old and fearful looking and announced the completion of dinner in a resigned voice. Salene hopped up and sprinted out of the room, leaving her book on the floor. I stood up and stretched while Severus put away both his book and Salene's. He surprised me by pulling me into a brief, tight hug. Then we both went into the dining room, where Salene was already sitting and childishly pounding the table in anticipation. There were six chairs at the table but I sat next to Severus and pulled my chair close enough to his that they touched. He didn't seem to mind.
Three house elves appeared and reappeared several times, carrying trays burdened with food. It was too much food for all of us; it was too much food for twenty people. I wondered if they'd been instructed to prepare so much or if they made the assumption on their own. I doubted it was the latter, but I didn't want to hold too much hope that I was considered a guest worth making a big deal over. We ate in quiet for only a few moments before Salene reared her big obnoxious head.
"So Sevvy, what do you think we were doing today?" she asked, grinning at me.
"I couldn't begin to guess," he said, looking extremely uninterested.
"The baby you robbed from her cradle bought you a Christmas present." He stopped in the middle of a bite and stared at Salene, and then at me.
"Why did you do that?"
"It's Christmas," I said, uncomfortable. "Did I do something wrong?"
"I've never received a Christmas present," he said, and then amended, "Since I was a little child, anyway."
"How appropriate – the first gift since you were a child is from a child." I ignored her jibe, but it was getting harder. Severus hated himself enough without her help, but I could not see him sticking up for himself. I wished he would; it was really me that he was sticking up for.
"Well I hope it is good enough to make up for all those years," I said.
"The problem is I didn't get you one." I shrugged, although I was a little disappointed. I couldn't believe he was so unadjusted to people liking him that he couldn't grasp the basic concept of Christmas. I wasn't going to point this out to him. I could possibly use this as a bargaining chip to get a certain other present…wait, no. I wasn't going down that path, not even mentally.
"I'm just happy to be here with you." That was true. I still wished I had a present. More accurately, I wished I hadn't wasted my time and money picking out a present for him. He'd probably hate it anyway. Bah.
We ate the rest of the meal in quiet, but I got over my hurt feelings, and focused on the pressure his leg was applying to mine. The food was better than it looked and I ate more than I thought I would. Salene was still eating when Severus excused us and we went back to the bedroom. It was still exciting, but a little more comfortable, to watch him undress but he still seemed bothered by watching me. I assumed that was a byproduct of how dirty he felt from being attracted to me. He really, sincerely needed to get over that. I wondered if I could do anything to help him with that.
Instead of lying down in his bed, we sat, our bodies pressed together. The shock from having his presence back in my life was wearing off, but the pleasure I got from his company was not. "I really do apologize for my carelessness," he said. I didn't know what to say. It mattered but I didn't want him to know, nor did I want to lie to appease his conscience. So instead I stayed silent.
I was not aware of even growing sleepy but when I woke up I was very aware that it was cold and that it was Christmas. I was also aware that I was alone but that didn't concern me too much. He would most likely be in the kitchen but if not, then the bathroom or library or somewhere not too far away. I dressed in jeans and a zip up jacket and took the pre-wrapped presents out of the closet. The kitchen was my first destination, and the Snapes were in it. They were both drinking the strange red liquid. I didn't ask what it was.
"No presents before breakfast," Salene said. I saw her eyes move over the gifts and could see by her grin that she had guessed some were intended for her. She swept the packages out of my arms and bounced out of the room, only to return a few moments later. She went over to the oven and began flipping around dials and opening and shutting the door, without any actual food involved. It occurred to me to wonder why they had both house elves and a personal kitchen. It didn't really matter.
"Happy Christmas," I said to Severus, pulling a stool up next to him and sitting down. He put a hand on my knee and I was pleasantly surprised. "What time is it?"
"Noon. You slept very late," he said. Breakfast at noon? But he sounded a little disapproving. I put it off to him being anxious about his present. That was an optimistic hope but the only one I permitted myself. It would ruin my happy bubbly feeling if I thought he was mad at me.
We ate turkey sausage and eggs as Salene and Severus kept up a steady stream of banter, mostly trying to annoy the fuck out of each other. I didn't eat much because I was happier just sitting there, listening to them, once again feeling extremely lucky to be here. My winter break without Severus, and consequently without Salene, would have been extremely boring. Never mind the fact that I would spend it pining over him.
We left the plates on the counter and I followed them into a living room. I was surprised to see a large tree, healthy and heavily decorated. I could not picture Severus draping tinsel around the leaves, but I could easily imagine Salene doing so. So he probably hadn't decorated at all. But I appreciated the effort nonetheless. Not that it was for me. God, I was getting conceited. I was more than a little excited, however, to see my presents neatly set under the tree. And they weren't the only ones. I saw Severus looking at me as I took in the size of the pile under the tree and I smiled at him and he smiled a little back. He must have gone out in the morning. I hoped I hadn't let him know how disappointed I was through my actions. I could not deny, though, that having presents was nice.
We divided the packages up and decided to go around and open them one at a time. Salene had the most, with my gifts wrapped separately and the thing she'd given herself. I had no idea what either of my gifts could contain, because I didn't know them well enough. That was a bit sad. I was in love with Severus but I didn't know him. That needed to change.
Severus went first and he opened Salene's gift, a watch. Then Salene opened my gifts, claiming it was only one turn because they were both from me. I decided to open Salene's first and save the suspense. She had given me a book on serial rapists, with an inscription that read These people are just one step above your boyfriend. I would have preferred nothing at all but I thanked her anyway, and made sure to remind her he wasn't my boyfriend. Then Severus opened my gift. I watched his face as he lifted the lid to the small box and pulled out my gift. It was a glass sphere, with a heart suspended inside. The texture of the heart was that of a raspberry. He held it between two fingers, inspecting it, and I felt like an idiot. I should have gotten him some books. But he thanked me anyway as he set the orb back down and replaced the lid. I tried to swallow my disappointment and maintain an outwardly happy appearance as Salene opened Severus's gift. He had gotten her chocolate flowers. It was sweet but impersonal and I didn't have much hope for my gift.
I felt them both watching me as I carefully pulled off the ribbon, and then the wrapping paper, and then removed the lid. The box was a square foot, but inside was a smaller box – the velvety boxes that jewelry comes in. I did not look up and scarcely breathed as I flipped up the hinged top. Inside was a white-gold ring with alternating topaz and emerald jewels all around the band. It did not escape my notice that these were Slytherin and Hufflepuff colors. I looked at the ring and did not know what to say. I was struck silent by the insight and beauty his gift held, and I felt stupid about mine. How much money had this ring cost? Why had he given me a ring, of all jewelry pieces? That definitely had to mean something. But I didn't want to make a scene so I snapped the case shut without lifting it out of the box.
"Thank you," I said, wishing we were alone. As if she'd heard my thoughts, Salene jumped to her feet and made some excuse to hurry out. "I really like it. It's beautiful." He reached into the bigger box and pulled the case out and then opened it. When he lifted the ring up, I saw it was attached to a thin chain.
"I thought wearing it discreetly would be best," he said. He undid the clasp and reached around my neck. His arms rested against my cheeks as he closed it. I felt so stupid about my gift. It was so indefinitely lame compared to his. When he moved back, I looked down. The ring sat exactly on the slope of my chest and glittered a little.
"I'm sorry my present sucked so much," I said, feeling miserable at my failure.
"I will treasure it," he said, and I believed him. For a second I was happy. He leaned back and spoke, killing all of my joy. "Do you remember when I said I was certain I would not outlive the end of the war?" I nodded, my heart jumping into my drying throat. "Well, I am not so certain now. However, I know for a fact that before the end of this term, I will commit acts that will banish me from leading a public life. I can't clarify any further because I have taken an Unbreakable Vow. I simply wanted you to have something to remember me by and so you will remember I didn't want to leave you." I was crying, embarrassingly loud, and he didn't move to comfort me. I wished he had never told me but I was glad it would not come as a shock to me when he did whatever he did. "I need to ask you to try not to convince anyone of my innocence. I have been doing things around Salene that, when she is questioned about them, will confirm her innocence and my guilt. They will question her, too, under Veritaserum. I am guessing that they will find out about you during that time."
"Won't they use Veritaserum on me and I'll just tell them everything you said?" He reached out, finally, and put his hand on my shoulder. I felt like his student.
"When we return to Hogwarts, you will go to Professor McGonagall and tell her you are interested in joining the Order. It's the organization most strongly fighting against the Dark Lord. She will take you up to Albus's office and they will discuss things with you, although I don't want to tell you too much. If you are too prepared, they find it suspicious. Hopefully, by the time I act, you will be a well accepted and trusted member. You can tell them I took advantage of you and it was this winter break that made you realize that you wanted to fight against people like me. Hopefully, they will buy your story and choose not to question you. If not, they legally must give you a day's warning because you are still a minor. If that happens, you should go home and stay with your parents." Severus paused and moved his hand from my shoulder from my face. I leaned into his touch like a pathetic fucking animal, but I needed to. "Of course, that is assuming you want to go through all that trouble for me. I understand completely if you would rather not. Maybe they will believe you are too biased and I was feeding you lies."
"I don't understand why it would be bad if they knew you were innocent," I said.
"If the Order believes it, word will spread, and the Dark Lord will hear. If they have strong enough proof to believe I am on their side after all that, he will be suspicious. He will most likely kill me – I fear he grows wary of my presence. That is my concern, however, not yours. You must do what is best for you," he said.
"Helping you is best for me." He dropped his hand and leaned back against the arm rest, watching me carefully. He said nothing else. I didn't understand why he wouldn't touch me. I needed him to comfort me so badly, because I was thinking about his death and my life without him. But that was why he had given me the ring, wasn't it? To say that even when he was gone, he wasn't. It was his version of saying he loved me, I supposed. Only he probably didn't love me. He was probably simply glad to have my presence in his life. It must be a pleasant change to have someone, anyone, instead of being alone all the time. And he had Salene with him too, obnoxious but still loyal to him. In a way, he was better off than me.
"I love you," I said, and it was out there and wasn't going anywhere. I didn't regret saying it at all, not even as he closed his eyes and shook his head. "I do. I've been waiting to tell you because I knew if I said it when I first felt it, you wouldn't take me seriously. But now I know you've killed people and you've betrayed the only person you really loved and I know you will never be happy with me because I'm too young. But I know, above all, that our time is so fucking limited I don't have time to have doubts. The most I have left with you is six months and I don't want to spend it talking about our age differences and how stupid I am."
"I've never said you were stupid," Severus said. "Although I do wish you wouldn't swear, and I certainly question your self-esteem if that is how you view our relationship. You talk as if you are some burden I am carrying. I apologize sincerely if I've made you feel that way. You…are a blessing. It's extremely true I wish you were my age, but there's nothing to do about that now. Nothing worth doing, anyway."
"Do you love me?" I asked, before I could help myself. Unlike the presents, this really didn't matter. He cared enough about me to invite me to his house, and I'd been here three days and he hadn't kissed me. Well, that could be a bad sign. It mattered for my self-esteem but it did not matter as to how I felt about him.
"Yes," he said but didn't sound sure.
"Are you saying that because it's the easiest answer?"
"It's the hardest answer. I am admitting a weakness. If any of my adversaries found out about you, they would not hesitate to kill you. I believe a few Death Eaters would kill you just for sport." I didn't know what to say, so I leaned forward on my knees and kissed him, finally, and he kissed me back a little aggressively. He put his hands on my hips and pulled me down until there was no space between our bodies. As we kissed, I felt his erection for the first time. It scared me a little and I pulled away and then I got embarrassed when I realized what had happened. He laughed and took my hand and led me into his bedroom and shut the door. I did not really have time to think about what was happening before we were on the bed, kissing, in only our underwear. I didn't want to go further because it was all wrong. It was in the middle of the day and I wasn't 17 yet. He had only just said he loved me. His penis scared me.
"Stop," I said, and he did, immediately. "I'm a virgin too," I said. "I want to but I want to wait until it's legal so you don't feel bad and I just need to go slower." For the first time I considered that maybe I wasn't ready. Severus was a virgin too but he was eager and confident, or so it seemed. I felt scared and nervous. I still wanted to have sex with him. I also didn't want him to be a virgin on his 40th birthday. His age had to have something to do with his reaction.
"I didn't know that," he said, on his back, looking up at the ceiling. "I wish you would have told me."
"It doesn't change things," I said.
"It absolutely does."
"No, it doesn't!" I felt a little frightened now that his so-called conscience would come back and he would refuse to get anywhere near me. "Just wait three days please. I really want you." I knew he had never heard those words before, or at least not in that context. Maybe someone had told him 'I want you…to kill that Muggle' or 'I want you…to keep risking your life for my stupid cause.'
"I will wait as long as you need," he said, and I knew he meant it.