That night and the following two were mostly spent getting physically acquainted with each other. It helped my nerves a lot; an hour before it was officially my birthday, I was staring at the clock, waiting. "You don't think it'll kill the mood, just doing it at midnight, do you?" I asked Severus, grinning. He looked up from his book without changing his expression. He had brought a chair into his room and was sitting in it, reading. His Dark Mark had been burning recently but he had not been summoned so he thought You-Know-Who was angry about something. I only hoped it didn't have anything to do with Severus.
"I think you'll regret it," he said.
"I won't. And we're doing it tonight, if I have to rape you."
"How are you going to rape me?" he asked, and I knew he meant it rhetorically, but it sounded like he was asking for detail.
"Well first–"
"Stop right there, lawbreakers." In came Salene, in a silk nightgown. She dressed a little sexy for someone living with her cousin. "I don't want to hear about your illegal rape fantasies." I felt like telling her it wouldn't be illegal in 55 minutes, but I didn't. Then she would just make jokes about how we were sitting around waiting for it, which we were, but it was awkward enough without her reminding us.
"Get out," Severus commanded, standing up. She laughed but left, slamming the door behind her. He withdrew his wand and cast his usual locking charms and then turned to me. "I don't think an hour difference really matters."
"You're right. Let's wait until one." I grinned and he came over and sat next to me on the bed. His fingers toyed with the ring, which had yet to leave my neck.
"I have not been nude in front of someone since I was a child," he said, and I could see a very small flush spread across his cheeks. I guessed it was embarrassment rather than horniness over his naked child escapades.
"Well let's see, just last week I did a sex show with Janice, and that was about 50 people watching. That doesn't count all the random bums I had quickies with." He just looked at me and I smiled. "I have seen enough of you to know you look fine." I didn't know if it was weird to tell people they looked good naked, especially since I was a girl. I could guess he wouldn't be talking about how beautiful I was. Well I couldn't begin to imagine what it would be like. There came the nerves again.
I decided to start to make him feel less like it was 'his fault.' I leaned forward and kissed him and it really wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. He did look fine naked, although my attention wasn't really focused on looking. He talked a lot more than I thought he would, mostly to make sure I was okay. In the end it was short and sweet and I was happy I'd waited until my 17th birthday, or at least close enough that it felt right.
At about one in the morning he told me had to use the restroom and got up and left. As soon as his warm presence was no longer beside me, I felt a terrible sadness. At first I couldn't figure out why and I felt stupid. But as I laid there and swallowed back my tears, I figured it out. I wanted to feel secure knowing that Severus would always come back, that we could do this again and again. But for all I knew, he could never come back. He did, and he took my face in his hands and kissed me and then closed his eyes. I pressed my hand on his bare chest and could barely feel his heartbeat. I could only think about how many beats his heart had left.
The next morning I woke up first once again. Severus looked barely asleep, though. I put on clothes that were clean but I'd already worn while I was here. I sat down on the bed next to Severus's sleeping form and stroked his nose for the first time. It was oddly satisfying to do so. It woke him from his sleep though and he was immediately glaring at me. It was quite amusing that he didn't go through the sleepy motions of waking up. No, not the great Severus Snape.
"I love you," I said, "although I promise I won't become one of those people who say it all the time." I wasn't sure why I made that promise. I had only a few months left with him. He should know I loved him. But I could guess if I oozed affection, he would run in the opposite direction.
I sat on the bed and watched as he dressed in his usual black robes. I felt a little shy as we walked in silence to the kitchen, and I was surprised and pleased when he placed his hand on the small of my back.
"It's Friday," Salene said as we walked into the kitchen. He dropped his hand from my back as he stepped forward and took her drink and finished it off. I had yet to figure out what they were always drinking. It had to be some sort of Wizarding drink I was unfamiliar with. I would guess it was alcoholic if they weren't drinking it all the damn time.
"Thank you for that," Severus said, opening the refrigerator with his wand and judging the contents at a distance. He was such a lazy wizard.
"We're all going out." I looked at her and tried to decide if she was joking or delusional. It had been stupid enough for me to go out with Salene, but if I was seen with both of the Snapes it would definitely go noticed. This was an especially bad idea when my parents thought I was skiing somewhere very cold.
"Don't be a moron." Severus seemed to agree with me.
"Oh, you don't be a moron. You have plenty of Polyjuice potion for her to use for a few hours, and I'm bored of sitting in this house while you guys fuck for hours at a time." I really, really did not like Salene. I turned my attention to Severus, hoping he would finally tell her to shut up about our sex life, now that we finally had one.
"Who do you suggest she turns into? Your secret twin?" No, of course he wouldn't.
"No, we can easily find a sample. In fact, I will go fetch one right now." She seemed very excited at the prospect.
"No, really, I don't want to. Why don't you two go out and I'll stay here?" I could just imagine the beast Salene would choose for me to imitate.
"I think the best idea for all of us would be to go somewhere Muggle," Severus said, shooting a look at his cousin that I could not decipher. She answered with a one shoulder shrug. "We will just…pretend to be a couple, and Raspberry is our child." That sounded unfortunate. Knowing Salene, she would take full advantage of the situation to make me uncomfortable, although I would already be very uncomfortable pretending to be Severus's child. However, if they were determined to go out, as they both seemed to be, I would play along with this idea. It was better than Polyjuice.
An hour later, we were all dressed and groomed according to Muggle standards. Salene had convinced Severus to shave his head to appear more fatherly. It did not look good at all because it made his nose more pronounced and he simply looked older. But he looked aggravated enough that I didn't point this out. Besides, he could grow it out later with a spell. I was feeling very concerned about the plans though. It seemed that Salene was determined to ruin our night. The worst bit was that she was just amusing herself, rather than trying to be malicious, so she would not be cautious and would be more at risk in revealing us.
I tried not to think about it as we drove to the chosen restaurant. More accurately, we rode as the car was spelled to drive itself. Severus merely sat in the driver's seat with a careless hand draped across the wheel in a poor attempt at looking like he was driving. It was a funny image of what he would do if he had to actually drive. He would probably end up dying, which reminded me of what he'd said Christmas and quickly banished all mirth in my mood.
When we arrived at the restaurant, the first thing Salene did was to announce it was the 18th birthday of her dearest daughter, and to order me a couple of shots. I had never had any bit of alcohol before but I could hardly refuse my 'mother' during my 'birthday celebration.' After two shots I tried to refuse but Salene kept egging me on, as did the whole restaurant, and Severus just looked away and I figured I had nothing left to lose. No, I was trying to push Severus into finally sticking up for me, I wanted him to shelter me from Salene, and most of all I wanted him to be dependable outside of his bedroom. I knew he was not an open person but just for that night I drank in the hopes he would change before he died.
I was still throwing up in the morning, for about twenty minutes. I wanted to die; I felt like I was going to. Then Severus brewed some sort of Potion, I drank it, and everything was fine. Except it wasn't. I had admitted to myself last night that I wanted more out of Severus than I could ever hope to get. I knew this fact and I accepted it. I was not going to pester him for emotional displays. But the mere emotion of wanting more made me disappointed in myself. I had told myself I was completely okay with his nature and I tried to be but I wasn't.
Another thing that was not okay was that vacation was half over. So much had happened in these seven days but it was not enough. I felt so acutely the pressure of the possibility that I could lose Severus forever in one month, two, three, four. It was never enough time.
"You think too much." My head jerked up and I saw Severus, leaning against the doorframe, his arms folded across his chest. He looked severe. Ha. Ha. Severe Severus. I was so witty.
"You can talk, Mr. Brooding…Man." Okay. Not the best name. I smiled at him and he uncrossed his arms.
"I can talk, and as such I need to discuss the previous night with you." He stepped forward and shut the door behind him. I groaned and flopped back, narrowly avoiding cracking my head on the headboard. "Can we handle this like adults?"
"I'm not an adult. If you're going to lecture anyone, lecture your cousin. She's more of a child than me." Okay, I was whining, and that was not very becoming. Maybe the hangover hadn't worn off as much as I'd thought.
"I'm not going to lecture you. If you choose to drink, that's your decision. However, I am curious as to why you allowed Salene to push you around," he said. I could not help but gape.
"Me? Why I let her push me around? Excuse me but I don't think I'm understanding you." Shut up shut up shut up. I was going to expose my miserable failure of self. I was going to show him that I acted like I didn't care about things when I did, although I had never covered up my feelings before. I just wanted everything to go back to being all nice and soft like it had been just a day ago. Goddamn fucking Salene. Fucking alcohol. Fucking weak me.
"If now is a bad time–" He started to get up so I reached out and took his hand and he immediately sat back down, looking at me politely.
"It's not a bad time," I said, now holding his hand in both of mine. They were finely wrinkled and tanner than I remembered. Things were just a little weird because of the sex, I told myself. That always changed relationships, especially considering we were both virgins. I would just have to work through this. "What's your favorite color?"
"Green and silver," he said, a wry smile twisting his lips. I was surprised he didn't question my strangeness. "I assume yours are yellow and black?"
"God no. I used to hate yellow, actually. Now I'm just kind of neutral about it. Except on one thing," I said, bring his hand up and placing it so he could feel the ring beneath my clothes. I hoped it meant as much to him as it did to me and I was not making a fool of myself. "I would say orange. But only the slap in your face orange, not pukey brown orange or pastel orange. I like pumpkin orange, yeah. Did you ever have any pets?" I could see he was wondering where these questions were going, but he played along anyway.
"No. My family was too poor for pets, even if we had had enough love for them, which of course we didn't." He did not ask me the question in return but I assumed he wanted to know.
"I have my owl right now, of course. I don't like her all that much. Owls are just owls, you know? I like pets that sit in your lap and cuddle with you," I said, but I could see I was edging dangerously close between paralleling our conversation with my feelings towards Severus. To swerve in another direction, I added, "I had a few cats when I was younger, too. They all got out though cause drug addicts can't take good care of pets and kids. Why haven't you decorated your Hogwarts quarters the way this room is decorated?"
"It is best for me if I am not surrounded by who I am," he said, quietly. I was aware that our hands were sweaty but I did not want to let go. "It's easier to forget." Forget what? Lily, his parents, something else? I wanted to ask but I didn't. It brought our conversation to a standstill. Until he picked it back up. He spoke carefully, forming each word multiple times in his head before allowing it to drip out of his mouth. "James Potter and his friends were unnecessarily cruel to me during school, but so were many others. I knew how to fight back. The difference with them was Lily. She treated them all the exact same way but because she was beautiful, it was okay. She was playful and mysterious in her behavior and when I mirrored her I was weird and evil." His eyes closed and I knew he had never spoken the next words out loud before. He had probably never even admitted them to himself before. "For two years, I was extremely desperate to be friends with the 'Marauders' – Potter, Black, Lupin, Pettigrew. I have always been socially incompetent, although I daresay I was worse when I was younger. And of course, I also felt bitterly jealous that Potter liked Lily, even then. I wanted her all to myself, and I wanted to befriend them, and I could not see the easy solution was to be sociable. Maybe if I had…it doesn't matter. If I try and act cordial now, I can only think of my youthful stupidity and what it cost me. Half the Marauders and Lily are dead.
"Yet if I had changed my ways, I would not be here with you. I think of all the people I murdered and I cannot choose between their lives and our relationship. I'd trade a few months of time for years and years shaven off hundreds of lives? Yes, I would, and I don't know why." I had not expected this at all. I did not understand this at all. Half the time he was aloof and distant and the other half he was blowing me away with how much he said he cherished me. It was too difficult to figure out.
"It's not too late to change," I said, sounding horribly naïve but unable to think of another response.
"It may not be too late but it is not the right time. If I outlive this war and, after, I can clear my name...perhaps. Perhaps then we could have those children and not name them Raspberry." He smiled a little but I could not smile back.
"Don't say things like that, please. Please," I said, and I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks, sudden and hot. I had never been much of a crier but Severus brought my tears on often. "It's only another thing I will think back later on and wonder 'what if?' I already have so many I can't handle another." He looked away and I realized he'd said that more to comfort himself, to keep up the illusion he'd survive, and I wanted to hit myself for being such an idiot. I was acting all injured and emotional because I could be losing him. He would be the lost one. I needed to be more sympathetic. I pushed aside the hopelessness I felt at discussing this subject and said, "What would we name our kids, then?" Severus looked at me without saying anything, for a moment. I thought he would stay silent.
"It should be something normal," he said. "Both of us should know why."
"That wouldn't work," I said, relieved he was playing along, albeit not as happily as he'd been a few minutes ago. "Severus and Raspberry, parents of Jane? No. It should be a crazy name too. Continue the legacy of being mocked."
"Well then, what do you suggest?" I already had an answer – Breslow. It was the name I'd always wanted to name my first son. It seemed to fit with Severus too. Something about the 's' and the length, I would guess. However, I did not have a chance to answer. His fireplace roared to life and Severus shoved me off the bed. I fell onto the floor, flat on my stomach, confused. I heard a voice.
"Severus, Albus has called a meeting." It was a woman that sounded potentially comforting, but at the moment her tone was a little cold. He just couldn't catch a break.
"Very well," he said, and he sounded furious. "I would thank you to not use my bedroom fireplace, in the future."
"You're the one who hooked it up to the network."
"Yes, in case of emergencies. A meeting is hardly an emergency."
"Just hurry up and get over here," she said. A few seconds later, the glow cast by the flames disappeared, and Severus appeared within my sight.
"I'm very sorry about that," he said.
"It's okay. You had to," I said. My shoulder was a little sore where he had pushed me. It didn't matter. I climbed to my feet and he pulled me forward into a gentle, sweet kiss. "How long do you think you'll be gone?"
"A few hours. If they're calling me in, it's something important. Feel free to entertain yourself with anything in the house." I caught the innuendo of this but he didn't so I didn't giggle.
"Okay. His name would be Breslow." Severus was smiling when he Apparated away.
When he came back, we ate dinner without Salene. The next day we spent in bed, house-elves bringing us our meals. Salene popped in a few times to annoy us but other than that it was pretty much perfect. We talked about the best houses to raise a family in and he talked about the stupidity of Gryffindors and I talked about nail polish colors. The next day went much the same, only with different (equally pointless) subjects. We had sex for the second time on Monday night. Tuesday we finally got out of bed and took a walk around the grounds. It was snowing and positively freezing, but he held my hand and so I suffered through the cold. I was starting to feel the pressure of the vacation ending – only four days and nights remained. I was positive our relationship would continue into the term, but for only so long. Then he would be gone.
On top of that, when we returned I had to join the Order of the Phoenix. I felt strongly about helping them, but mostly because it was helping Severus. I was worried they wouldn't take me because I was not particularly gifted and I was barely of legal age. He assured me they would, but they'd probably just have me visit the headquarters every once in a while to clean. Still, being a maid for them would prove I was committed. Or so I told myself, and Severus told me too, so I tried not to doubt the situation too much.
It was more than that. I felt confident this was the closest to perfect we would ever get. Salene pretty much avoided us after the Friday night fiasco, so were alone, in a mansion, and he was sweet and open about his feelings because of this. I'd fallen into the habit of telling him I loved him daily, at least. I knew I'd have to break this habit when we got back to Hogwarts but I would find no joy in doing so.
On Wednesday You-Know-Who called him away. My illusion that our world was perfect became shattered. He came back stony faced and silent. It was only after an hour of prodding that I got him to say he had killed someone, and after that he absolutely refused to discuss it. He wouldn't touch me, to the point where he slept on the floor. He wasted two whole days in this mood and finally Saturday, the day I was leaving, I woke up and he was a little better. I wondered if he always had these bad moods and if so why no one ever noticed. Then I remembered these "bad moods" were barely worse than his typical public image. It would be hard dealing with Professor Snape once I got back to school. Hard, but not half as hard as doing without.
I was checking sure to make sure I'd packed everything when Severus came in and hugged me, a little too tightly, but I was happy to have him back so I didn't say anything about it. "We need to talk about how things will be after we return," he said, and I knew it was true but I didn't want to. I sat down next to him on his bed and leaned into him. "The obvious dilemma is how often you should visit me in my quarters. It has to be often enough that you are happy but not too often that it arouses suspicion." I'd expected he would not end our romantic relationship but to hear him confirm it made me so happy I could not speak for a moment.
"Hazel will know no matter what. She knows I never…well anyway. She'll know. Other than that, I don't really see why we have to be cautious. It's not like it's something people will be looking for."
"No, they wouldn't be," he agreed. "They just look in general, and may stumble upon something incriminating in the process."
"I don't know enough to decide anything," I said. "You do it."
"Once a week." I didn't argue because I could see this had been his plan from the beginning. He was just trying to be considerate by acting like I had a say. I actually probably could have worn him down. I had already worn his resistance down from never being involved with to loving me. However, I felt like doing that lowered his self-esteem, and I didn't want to do it over something like this. However, I could not help but think about how limited this was. If he lasted all six months of the rest of the year, that was only 24 nights. The maximum amount of nights I could spend with him was 24, but likely it would be far less. That was not nearly enough time. I still didn't argue.
We spent my last hours at his home in the library, talking to Salene. She was remarkably normal and cheerful without being obnoxious and I wondered, for just a moment, if she'd been mad that Severus paid so much attention to me and so little to her. But why would she be mad? They had a bond I could never hope for. If I annoyed him the way she did, he would quickly eject me from his life.
When it was time to leave, I Apparated alone to the station without a goodbye to Severus. He'd agreed I could come the following night, so I would be seeing him soon. On the station, I sat with Hazel and Melanie, and I was oddly happy to see them. I was just happy in general.
About halfway through, Jane and Ella joined us and my good mood evaporated. Ella had gained a little weight but she was as conceited as ever. She blabbered on and on about the two boys she'd juggled during the vacation. Jane maintained an admiring look the whole time, Hazel was mildly interested, and Melanie and I rolled our eyes at each other. Of course, she was doing so because she was in a long term relationship and believed she was better than all the silly girls who couldn't hold down a boyfriend. The sentiment was written clearly across her face. I just didn't give a shit.
The feast was loud. It killed me to avoid looking at Severus but I held out successfully. Well, once, in the shift between dinner and desserts, I looked up and over at him. He had been looking at me too. It was one of those weird moments where neither was staring but you just happen to look up at the same time. He looked at me for a second, emotionless, before sliding his eyes over to another spot in the room. It was perfectly normal behavior. My stomach flip-flopped anyway.
"You seem better," Hazel said. No one else was paying attention to us.
"Yeah," I said. I decided to try and trick Hazel into not thinking I would be with Severus when I stayed the night away. I scanned the Hall for a guy who looked both nice and lonely enough to pretend to be my boyfriend. I found one who was eating silently, not looking up from his plate. He was pretty fat and he was a Slytherin and looked a little mean. But no one else looked like they'd remotely agree. "He's cheered me up," I said, pointing at him, figuring it was a safe bet that he wouldn't look up. I was right.
"Razz! What is it with you and weird rejects?" I glared at her because she had just called Severus a reject, but of course she thought I was mad over this new Slytherin. On top of that, it felt weird to be called Razz after two weeks of only hearing Raspberry. I was a little tired of the nickname. But I knew Hazel would never stop. "What's his name?" she asked, trying to make amends. "Where'd you meet?" Oh, shit. I hadn't expected this, although I should have.
"He lives near my parents, actually. His name is James." He looked nothing like a James. It was just the first name I thought of.
"Well…I hope you guys are happy. Have you had sex yet?" Of course, she would ask.
"Oh…yeah. Loads. He's really horny, actually." Oh my God. I could die. Why did I love to torture myself so much? Hazel looked a little squeamish at what I'd said and I felt like apologizing. Instead I smiled and spooned up some pudding.