The next day was Sunday, my designated day to announce my loyalties to the Order. I was nervous and I was not, but mostly I tried to block out how I was feeling. How I felt was irrelevant to the cause of helping Severus.
I went to breakfast early, and in fact too early. There were only a handful of students, cramming or looking obnoxiously cheerful, and no professors. I stayed anyway, deciding it was more productive to wait than to walk all the way back to the dorm. Professor McGonagall was the second professor in, and I did not even give her time to place food on her plate before I stood up and walked over to her. She didn't notice me, at first, as I stood there. I debated whether or not it was appropriate to clear my throat to get her attention or if that was rude. She solved my dilemma by looking up, her eyebrows knitted in confusion. I could understand why. I was not the type to socialize with teachers, in or out of class.
"I had my seventeenth birthday over the break," I said, unsure of what to say. If I was unnecessarily vague, I'd seem stupid. If I was too specific, I could see careless. Hmm. Stupid or careless, stupid or careless? "Well, and I heard that I should talk to you if...if...I wanted to get some things in order." I tried to enunciate 'order' with as much secret meaning I could muster. In the middle of my bumbling, Severus took a seat next to McGonagall. I was sure this was not an accident.
"Excuse me?" she asked, looking more than a little impatient. I had definitely chosen stupid.
"Well you know...I placed an order but not everything was in order so I was ordered-"
"Minerva, I believe she is hinting that she wishes to help out with Phawkes." I did not understand Severus's words but Professor McGonagall did.
"Really?" I felt a little offended at her utter surprise.
"I know I'm not very good at magic," I said, unable to keep a note of defensiveness from creeping in my voice. "I just want to help in any way I can."
"I would argue with that assessment." I felt a little twist of nerves as I heard Professor Dumbledore speak. I had not meant for this to become such a spectacle while still in the Great Hall. Apparently, reckless was preferred over stupid. Well it was largely formed of Gryffindors, wasn't it? "I have heard great things about your potion abilities. However, I believe this discussion would best be continued in my office. Minerva, Severus, would you two care to accompany us?" Ah shit. They were all getting dragged into this? I wished furiously that I could go back and fix how this had happened.
It was an uncomfortable group, the wizened batty headmaster I had never talked to, the teacher that remained strict without becoming cruel, and the love of my life. Ha. That phrase was so ridiculous. Really, being the love of someone's life was not that special. When I was menstruating, chocolate was my one and true love. When I was tired, energy spells were amazing beyond my wildest dreams. When I forgot to study, friends willing to cram with me were life savers. It was all perspective. Okay but this was off topic and a little awkward to think about when I was surrounded by old people.
Upon arriving in the headmaster's office, I refused the lemon drops he offered me. I was a little nervous they'd be spiked with Veritaserum or I'd choke on them and embarrass myself. The latter was definitely likely. "Are you aware of what you are asking to commit to?" Professor Dumbledore asked as he tucked his box of candy back into the pocket of his robes. His tone was light and unconcerned despite his serious wording.
"Of course," I said, perhaps a little too earnestly. Severus shot me a look in sync with McGonagall. I couldn't quite decode what these looks meant, though.
"What purpose do you have for fighting against Voldemort?" The interrogation continued. "Have you lost a loved one? Did you suffer any injustices? Are you Muggleborn?"
"Um," I said. I lost all ability of normal speech due to nerves. "I haven't lost a loved one but...I could, I guess. I mean I could lose him literally but figuratively I think he's already lost. Or lost to everyone else. But that's not only why I'm doing this. I want to know that someone is fighting back. And I don't want to be selfish, which I have been this whole time." I thought about how many other people he had asked those questions to and the kind of eloquent answers they could have provided. They could have moving speeches about deceased parents or children or sisters. I could have possibly said moving things about Severus, if he wasn't old and my professor and a Death Eater. Oh, who was I kidding? I would never have sweet or endearingly sad things to say about him.
"What exactly do you expect to do when you are a member?" I noted he said when and I did not think him to be the type of person who did not choose his words carefully. Then again that would be a very hasty decision and I did not think him to be hasty either. I was probably acting a mess and he was trying to calm me down.
"I don't know. I was told very little. I just want to help in any way. Well actually I would probably rather help in small ways." I felt a little less anxious the more I spoke. I just wanted this to work and so later Severus's secret would be safe with me. The thought of taking Veritaserum and being forced into betraying him was more terrifying than the thought of fighting a million Dementors at once.
"Are you willing to take an Unbreakable Vow?" I did not know how to answer this. On one hand, I was firm in my conviction of being loyal to the Order; more accurately, I was loyal to Severus. I was not going to talk. On the other hand, being bound to not do something under the pain of death was a serious commitment.
"Albus, that is ridiculous." Professor McGonagall's stern voice cut through my inner turmoil. She was glaring at him. "We have never asked that of a member, and particularly not of a young one. If you are having doubts, refuse her entry and let us be on her way." Severus was blank-faced, and in fact appeared a little bored. His hair curtained his face just like always; his nose protruded just as sharply as ever. I wondered if he was proud of me or if he thought I was acting stupid. I wondered if he cared at all beyond protecting himself. I only doubted his intentions in this matter. Everywhere else, I was secure about his affection, as much as I may wish (just a little, secretly) he was more open.
"You're right, of course. I forgot myself. Well, then, when shall the initiation take place?" Professor Dumbledore turned this question to me. I tried not to act too flabbergasted.
"That's it? I mean, it's that easy?"
"We try not to refuse any help," he said, and he smiled. "It's not easy to come by." I could see why; I would never had volunteered on my own.
"Well um. Okay. I'm ready when you are," I said. My stomach clenched into a bundle of nerves and I had to stop myself from looking towards Severus for reassurance.
"I think Saturday would be the most appropriate time. Please be waiting in your common room at noon so Professor Flitwick can escort you." Alright. What was I supposed to say now? Should I just leave or should I express excitement for being accepted? Well, accepted-to-be. Professor Dumbledore clapped his hands together once and continued speaking. "I do believe this meeting has adjourned. I, for one, am very interested in eating some eggs. Minerva, Severus, would you care to join me?" Without waiting for an answer, he swept out of the room. Professor McGonagall paused a second, looked at me searchingly, and then followed. Severus looked at me also but did not leave.
"He always says Minerva's name before yours," I said.
"Yes," he said.
"Was that normal? The whole 'two questions and you're good' thing, I mean."
"No, not at all. Normally it is noted that there is an interest and he conducts extensive research on the person - their childhood, their friends, motivations for supporting either sides. This takes a couple of weeks. If all seems in order, he spends another few weeks interviewing the interested party, but much more subtly than he did for you. Finally, there is an initiation. It's a big ceremony where everyone welcomes the new member," he said. His tone stayed to that of a scholar, but it rapidly changed to a voice full of anger when he added, "I am sure he knows of our relationship."
"What? I didn't do anything!" Panic seized me even as I wondered why that would make Severus angry.
"You did, and you didn't. Albus is almost as skilled in Legilimency as I, and you met his gaze several times. On top of that, I doubted he failed to notice the way...well, it does not matter. It was purely accidental on your part, and skill on his part." He was trying to make me feel better but I only felt more outraged.
"I'm not that transparent," I protested. He looked amused. "And the way, what? I didn't do anything any suspicious way." He looked a little embarrassed at my prodding, and I was curious enough to temporarily forget that my headmaster possibly knew of my illicit affair with my teacher. Ha. Illicit affair. That sounded so much more exciting than it was. "Come on, tell me. Please please."
"If you must know, I have noticed that you tend to take on the look of a lovestruck teenager when you turn your attention to me," he said. No, snapped. My begging had annoyed him more than I'd perceived. I felt both embarrassed and angry and the combination resulted in a fierce burning of my face. I had always allowed Severus free reign to stomp around, whether it was over my feelings or away from me. It was easier than fighting back. But it was hard to stay docile when he was mocking how much I loved him. It wasn't that simple fact; it was the deeper truth that he only mocked because I felt more for him more than he did for me. I hated having my pathetic besotted emotions thrown in my face.
"Well, sorry," was my immature response, trying to put all my feelings into my enunciation.
"You should be. It could really jeopardize us."
"Like that's why you care," I said, trying to stuff the words back into my throat even as they exited my mouth. "You just don't want to be stuck with a stupid teenager who can't control her feelings. Well, I control them so much, and you don't even know. I don't tell you that I think you're an asshole and that you hurt my feelings all my time and that you're one of the most selfish people I've ever met. And I still love you so impossibly much but you don't give a shit. I'm just an embarrassment." Even as I spoke, I was fully aware of what a compete moron I sounded like. As soon as I finished, I was prepared to apologize and take it all back. I didn't even mean the things I had said. But I fled in the face of my own idiocy.
Despite the mortifying memory of my words and actions the day before, school was fun. In Potions, Salene offered 50 house points and a special visit to Hogsmeade to the person who could brew the best antidote. It was an extremely complicated potion and everyone expected JT to win, especially JT. Therefore, I was completely taken aback when my antidote was proclaimed the best. It had matched the textbook description almost perfectly but I did not have much faith in myself. Of course I had to sit through a round of applause from my housemates because the point bonus brought us to first place for the House Cup. There was still enough time for us to slip down to second, easily, and pretty easily to third. It was exciting nonetheless. I was not as excited about the Hogsmeade weekend because I had no one to go with. Hazel, maybe, but she had proved unsupportive in my funk over Severus and so I was not too fond of her. Melanie possibly. I really needed to talk to more people.
Runes was interesting as usual, but it provided me a little time to remember my own stupidity. There was so much we should have discussed but didn't. Why was Severus mad at Dumbledore? If he really suspected, why was he so willing to accept me into the Order? Or was Severus just being paranoid? Maybe now he would never talk to me again. It was no better than I deserved. In Divination, Melanie and I played Muggle chess - wizard's chess was far too noisy, both because of the required spoken directions and the resounding crack of playing pieces being clobbered.
I completed my homework efficiently, and then had thirty minutes to ponder if I should go see Severus or not. It was my designated night with him, after all, and I only had less than 24 left. Oh God. How had I left my stupid shitty self get in the way of time with the possibly-soon-to-be-dead man I loved? And I loved him too much, that was the problem. I was willing to throw caution to the wind, privately and publically, and he was so reserved because he did not feel the same depths of passion and affection I did. It was okay. Really. But it still sucked.
I didn't go to see Severus. I was too embarrassed. I knew it was wrong; I knew he'd interpret that I was mad at him. But realistically, I didn't think he'd care too much. He'd probably be glad to rid himself of my presence. No. He loved me. I knew that. I wasn't going to start throwing out the idea that he didn't care at all. That was easily proven false. I just had to picture us at his castle, just a week ago, and I knew it was true. I didn't do this too much that night though; it reminded me that I was fucking everything up.
The following morning, I saw "James" in my DADA. When we walked into class, fifteen minutes early, Hazel pushed me in his direction, giggling out of some sort of perverse joy. When I sat down next to him, he looked up sharply, his eyes narrowed. "What?" he asked. His voice was not mean, but rather cautious.
"Um...it's a little complicated. But, are you rich?" Bribing was my first choice. He blinked, once, twice. I tried to appear friendly and innocent. I was intensely aware of Hazel watching us, and knew that his reaction would be confusing. "Okay, see, it's a long story but I told my friend I have a boyfriend but I don't and I thought you'd be a good candidate for a fake boyfriend." There. Messy but passable.
"I'm going to guess this is a 'find the ugliest guy' kind of bet," he said, immediately disinterested and downcast. God, low self esteem was the biggest problem in the world. There should be a ministry just for the handling of that.
"No! I'm telling you the truth. You just seemed...pleasant." I had no idea how to deal with normal boys, but negative standoffish ones were even harder. Unless they were my devastatingly attractive professor. As if my thoughts had beckoned him, Severus - no, Professor Snape - swept into the classroom. He slammed his textbooks on the desk. He was clearly in a bad mood.
"Prove it," he said. I drew my eyes off of Snape and put them on his. Prove it how? A Pensieve. That was doable, if he owned one. I'd just have to end the memory before the part where I called him horny... "Kiss me."
"Uh," I said. "Um what?" I was consciously aware of Snape, hunched in his chair, watching the class with an angry gaze. He would surely see me kiss "James." If we were on good terms, I would have done it and just explained later. But he probably thought I was angered and kissing this Slytherin would seem like some sort of revenge act.
"That's it. Kiss me once, right now, and I'll pretend to be your boyfriend for as long as you want. Obviously I won't be getting a real one any time soon," he said.
"See...exactly! I'm the hottest girl you're going to be around. You should be happy I'm talking to you, never mind kissing you." He frowned and I could see my attempt at being charismatically persuasive had failed.
"No, I don't think so. You need me, not the other way around." He was right. God.
"Fine. Does this kiss have any specifications?" I kept my peripheral vision focused on Professor Snape. Maybe I could time it so he wouldn't see...no. He was glowering at the student mass and not going to change until class began. In five minutes. Could I stall for five minutes?
No, because "James" had taken my 'fine' as permission and was now speeding his head towards mine. There was a painful collision of lips and teeth. "Fuck," I said, a little too loudly. A few heads turned towards us. Professor Snape was clearly staring at us. The Slytherin kid looked hurt at my outburst. Well, fuck. I was physically hurt. I reached up and felt the inside of my lip gingerly and saw that, indeed, my teeth had broken the skin.
"That wasn't good enough," he said.
"Well maybe that's because kissing is a mutual activity. You can't just dive in and hope for the best!" He was so stupid. He was like a 12 year old boy, not a 16 or 17 year old man.
"Okay. Let's try again." More attention was on us. There was roughly a minute before class began. I could stall for that. But did I want to? I'd already "kissed" someone else in front of Severus. I'd made my displeasure obvious. He could draw his own conclusions, surely. Well, his conclusion may be that I was kissing boys I didn't like in order to make him feel bad.
"James" was leaning towards me once more, slower. I had no choice but to meet him. It was better this time, but still. Really. Fucking. Awkward. And I just kept thinking of what would be going through Severus's mind right now. I pulled away when he put a sweaty hand on my bare knee. "Okay, you're my boyfriend now," I said, keeping my voice low so no one else would hear, but trying to cram all my annoyance into it. He was grinning too widely for me to believe he cared.
"Are you two so moronic you cannot comprehend that this is a classroom, not a bedroom?" The thought of being in a bedroom with the beast was enough to make me feel physically ill. My supposed partner grinned and appeared quite pleased. I could tell he was going to make a supposedly witty response before he even opened his mouth.
"Don't be mad cause you're not getting any," he said. My stomach clenched and contorted further in disgust. This creature was going to be my fake boyfriend for the rest of the term. Ah shit. I really should have picked a better prospect. As I imagined strangling the life out of his obnoxious mouth, a wave of whispering spread through the class, sure we were both going to get beat down by the infamously cruel Professor Snape. I was sure I was not the only surprised one when he leaned forward, pressing his hands down flat on the table. His face was mere inches from "James" and even I had a hard time hearing him when he spoke.
"If you ever address me like that again, I will have you expelled," he said. "Or else in a million little pieces that will never be found." I was surprised to hear him address a student that way, but it didn't bother me. I was bothered at the look of pure revulsion and bitterness he threw my way as he straightened up. "Twenty points from both your houses." With that, he pivoted and strode up to the front of the classroom. His robes billowed impressively. 20 points. 24 possible nights and I had missed one.
I spent the rest of the day silent, thinking. As soon as CoMC ended, I went down to the dungeons. "I didn't approve tonight," Severus said when he opened the door and found me.
"Do you hate me?" I asked. I entered despite his words and sat on his couch. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs, watching him. He placed his wards as usual. Did he expect me to stay? Did he want me to stay?
"No," he said. He sat on the couch with me. I met his eyes and tried to hide how vulnerable it made me. His gaze was intense and focused. "Do you have any idea how much it hurt me to see you kiss someone else? Especially Marvin, of all people." I did not know what to say. I had a very hard time imagining Severus hurt. Angry, frustrated, solemn - those were easy. I could not picture him wrestling with his thoughts and emotions the way I had the previous night. Well of course he wouldn't do it the way I did. I was an emotional teenage girl. He was a tightly controlled middle aged man.
"I'm so sorry," I said, and meant it more than I could express in words. "I did it to have an excuse for spending nights away from my dorms. I told Hazel I'd be with him. I thought maybe, once in a while, that meant we could go more than once a week."
"You can talk later," Severus said, throwing me out of my contrite mood. "As bad as it was to see that, it was not comparable to how I felt when you told me I hurt you often. But-"
"No," I said, not caring that I was interrupting him. "That's not how it is. You make me so happy. You say all these nice things all the time and I don't do anything." He pried my arms off my legs and held my hands in his.
"That is because you have not made me fear your reaction to my feelings, as I have done to you." I didn't know how to respond to this. It was true that I tried my hardest to guard my feelings. Thinking this, I had to take a second to wallow in the injustice that I had managed to repress all my happiness and love, but the one time I'd had bitter thoughts I had unleashed them. Well, calling it the one time was not truthful, but I'd certainly bottled up more positive energy than bad.
"Isn't it better for everyone if I do it, though?" I asked. I was aware of our unfinished conversation about Professor Dumbledore. He probably was too. I wanted to drift the subject away from me and onto that worrisome topic. Severus wouldn't allow me.
"No. I don't want you to hide yourself for me," he said. His hands were still around mine, and he squeezed a little as he next spoke. "Tell me how you feel about me." There was a raw openness in his voice that broke my heart. Maybe he had been reflecting on his limited time too. Maybe he didn't want to die without believing he was loved.
"Well," I said. "I love you, of course." I was at a loss of how to continue. Whenever Severus had confessed emotion, he'd had a neat little tie in that eliminated awkwardness or heaviness and made things nice. I felt a pressure on my chest and a twisting in my stomach as I tried to piece together how I felt. He made me happy. He was attractive. He was smart. I had said all these things so many times. It was so (un)funny that Severus Snape, coldhearted, aloof, Death Eater, cruel teacher, was better at expressing his feelings than me. "I don't know," I finally admitted, clearly unhappy. "What can I say that I haven't already? I just know when I'm around you, everything goes soft, and I want to be stuck in that half-asleep state with you forever, and the thought of being without you is so...fucking terrifying. I know you hate it when I swear, but it really is. And it's not because I'd have to find someone else. It's because I wouldn't have the someone I want. I wish I could say beautiful things because you deserve them. I just want to make you happy and whole. I want to keep you safe, which is stupid because your magic is a million times better than mine. I just mean I want to stop you from..." I could not find the perfect phrase. Severus, eyebrows twisted, did.
"From being the loved one you lost to the war." I remembered what I'd told Professor Dumbledore and did not apologize. It was true. I had lost the chance to be with an unburdened Severus.
"You told me I loved you so much it scared you," I continued, feeling both confident in my answer and foolish. "And you don't even know the half of it. It scares me a little sometimes. Then I just see you, all brooding and bitter but I have seen your smile, and I don't see how it would be possible to love you less." Severus was not smiling now. He pulled me forward by my hands, and his mouth was hard on mine.