There are big ships and small ships. But the best ship of all is friendship. - Author Unknown
Disclaimer:...... three guesses...
A/N: Less obscenity this chapter, but it's got oodles o' noodles of angst. I am really hoping I kept everyone in character. And a warning- there are tiny hints of slash (they can even be seen as friendship if you don't wear slash goggles) and a drunken guy-on-guy kiss. You have been warned. Do not complain about it simply because it's two guys. I'll be forced to just be disgusted by your closed-mindedness... Here it goes!
Chapter Seven – A Time to Mourn and a Time to Dance
Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.
-Eskimo Proverb
Once they arrived at Earth a few days later, Bones and Jim took on the delicate task of gathering up Minnie's possessions to return them to her family. It wasn't really a surprise when Spock showed up; they had been friends, after all. Every so often, an item would bring up a funny memory. The two humans even laughed once or twice. They thought they had finished packing everything up when Jim produced a disk with a video on it. He handed it to Spock, who placed it in the computer. The screen flickered into life. Minnie was grinning widely at them. The time stamp in the corner told them that it had been taped only two days before her death.
"Hey, Jim," she said from the screen, waving, "Hey, Bones… hey, Spock. I mean, I'm assuming it's all three of you. You were, like, my best friends in the whole Federation. Anyhoo, if the three of you are watching this, it means I'm dead. See, I've been making these once a week since Other Spock told us about how the universe hates me.
"I just have a few things to say. First of all, Bones, you should write my obituary, and you'd better write a good one. I don't wanna look bad. If so, I will haunt your ass. It doesn't have to be too long but make it good. I know you will. Thanks. Oh, and keep Jim from getting himself dead, as well as Spock and yourself. I love you guys, but I don't wanna see you anytime soon. Don't tear Spock a new one verbally for being unemotional or green-blooded or pointy-eared. Just let Spock be Spock.
"Jim, don't get dead. You find trouble better than I ever did even with the universe trying to kill me. Don't go down with the away teams so much. You're a great captain, and the crew really admires you. Trust me, I know. I talk to a lot of them. Keep up the friendship you have with Spock. You two are doing loads of good for each other. Everyone says so.
"Spock, I know how Vulcans don't really show emotion, but you've gotta remember, you are not all Vulcan. You're also part human, and humans thrive on emotion. Don't be afraid to let yours show through every so often. Don't let Bones get to you. He may call you names, but that's his way of letting you know he cares. Keep these two in line. Oh, and don't worry, Uhura wasn't pissed when you broke up with her the first year of our mission. She knew it was coming anyway. Jim was right to pick you as his first officer and his friend. You balance each other out very nicely.
"Now then, one last thing. Someone give Pavel the disk that was by this one. It's labeled 'For Pavel and Hikaru', obviously. Tell him he can only watch it with Sulu; he'll understand. There's one for my family, too. It's in my bound copy of Antigone. I found the whole fate thing appropriate. Anyway, I reckon that's it. Tell Scotty and Uhura bye for me, I guess, and not to be too broken up about it. I'll have to send y'all a sign or something. I'll figure something out. You'll know it when you see it. I'm keeping an eye on you. Well… I love you guys, and I'll miss you lots. Bye."
Minerva Black blew a kiss, and the screen went black. Bones suddenly realized there were tears on his cheeks; Jim was crying, too. Spock merely seemed confused.
"Jim, doctor, I am afraid I do not quite grasp some of the concepts mentioned by Minerva. What did she mean by saying she will send a sign? By saying she will be watching us? I wish to understand."
"She's talking about being in Heaven, Spock," Jim explained, having wiped his eyes, "It's a religious concept on Earth, most commonly found in the Jewish, Christian, and Islamic traditions. It's where people go in the afterlife if they lived a good and virtuous life. Supposedly, it's a very nice place. Some also believe that those in Heaven can watch over their loved ones."
"What of the sign?"
"Sometimes, people tell their loved ones that, when they die, they'll send a sign to let them know that they're okay. I've heard stories of them being simple like a balloon or a butterfly. Stuff like that."
"Yeah, my grandmother did," Bones interjected, "Died in the middle of the night in August when I was fourteen. My mother just came in and gave me the news. After she left, I heard a bird singing outside my window, so I went to go look. Granny always loved birds, cardinals especially. Told me once that when she passed away she'd send me a cardinal. Sure enough, that bird at my window was a cardinal."
"Oh, and I have a cousin, died a few years ago… leaves me pennies. Honest to God pennies."
"And… Minerva will send a sign like this? And she expects us to recognize it?"
"Yep. We'll be able to. She'll do something crazy," Jim chuckled, "Come on… I'll find those other disks, then we'll finish up here… 'kay?"
The doctor and the Vulcan agreed. Not three hours later, they were being transported to Earth's surface via shuttle to meet with the Black family. Mr. Black's face was tight, revealing little emotion. Mrs. Black smiled at them wanly, her hair already streaking with more grey. An array of five young men in Starfleet uniforms stood behind them: Minnie's brothers Joseph, Daniel, Jason, Aaron, and Spencer. They all wore the same mask as their father. Bones noted that they mostly took on the darker Mediterranean features of their mother but had their father's brown eyes. Minnie was probably the only child who's inherited the warm but pale blue-grey eyes of Maria Black. The woman enveloped both Jim and Bones in a hug, respectfully inclining her head to Spock when his turn came.
"I'm glad you boys are here. I heard that a lot of the crew will be coming to the funeral. It'll be at Arlington, you know. There's a spot near her cousin and uncle we'll be putting her in. It's a lovely view. You can see a lot of D.C. She always liked it. What's this, Jim?"
Jim held out the disk calmly, saying, "She left this for you and your family, Mrs. Black. She wanted you all to hear something important, I guess. Here…"
Mrs. Black gratefully accepted the disk from the captain, tears welling in her eyes. She thanked them over and over, and each of the Black men shook their hands. They all boarded a shuttle for Arlington, along with alpha shift bridge crew, Scotty, and few senior members of Tactical. Scotty was visibly sad and forlorn, his eyes glazed over with unshed tears. Uhura sat tall and proud, obviously hiding her feelings. Sulu looked much the same as Scotty, trying to be strong for Chekov, who had tears rolling lazily down his cheeks. The Asian was holding the young Russian's hand, his thumb gently stroking it. Bones almost smiled. Spock looked as emotionless as ever, while Jim had reassumed the blank look that came hand-in-hand with his grief. A smattering of Engineering, Science, Medical, and Security officers sat sadly around the shuttle, as well. The rest of the attending crew would be filtering in throughout the day and overnight. Starfleet had graciously booked rooms for the crew at nearby hotels for a few days before they would have to return to San Francisco and then to active duty. Spock, Bones, and Jim were sharing a room. It was nicely furnished, with two large beds and one that pulled out of the couch. They actually argued over who would take the couch, even though Bones deeply suspected that he and Jim would end up sharing a bed at some point. Bones won the argument.
"I'm hungry," Jim said shortly after their arrival, "I'll be back soon."
When Jim returned six hours later, he was stumbling and drunk off his ass but mercifully unbloodied; at least he restrained himself from fighting in the bar. He stood in front of Bones and Spock, swaying dangerously. Then he suddenly lunged for the bathroom. The sounds of retching and splashing permeated the room. Spock shot Bones a concerned look. The doctor cautiously made his way into the bathroom, ignoring the smell of sick as only a doctor could. Jim was hugging the toilet, whimpering softly between retches. Bones had an idea of just how much Jim had imbibed when he drank himself sick because Jim was the best at holding his alcohol, second only to Scotty and possibly Chekov. Bones knelt beside his friend, placing a comforting hand on his back. The younger man flinched.
"Bones," he croaked after a while, "Can you go get Spock?"
The doctor simply replied "Of course, Jim," before momentarily resting a hand on the blonde head and leaving the bathroom. Once outside, he looked at the Vulcan, then jerked his head toward the bathroom. Spock, looking worried now, understood and went in. Bones hovered beside the door. He could hear Jim crying softly.
"I miss her, Spock. She was one of my best friends in the whole world, and I let her die. I let her down. I let her get hurt all those times. 'S all my fault she's dead, Spock… don't tell Bones 's my fault. Don' wan' 'im to hate me."
"I can assure you that Dr. McCoy would never believe such a thing, Jim. He would never think to blame you for this. He… cares for you, Jim… a great deal… as I do."
At that point, Bones had to move away from the door so the occupants of the bathroom wouldn't hear him crying. He stared out the window, looking at nothing and everything, tears sliding down his face and a hand over his mouth. Spock and Jim came out of the bathroom fifteen minutes later. The Vulcan was supporting his captain almost entirely. He explained that he had gotten Jim to gargle some mouthwash once he was done vomiting and had calmed him enough to get him into bed so he could get some sleep before tomorrow's funeral. Bones mixed up a hypospray that fight off the inevitable hangover, choosing to inject it in Jim's arm rather than his neck.
"Jim is deeply upset, doctor," Spock said quietly, "He rarely shows these emotions so freely. Has he ever been in such a condition before?"
"Only once… but not this bad. I assume that you're feeling the strain, as well, Spock. You said, honestly, that you cared about Jim. You didn't even show that much emotion after… well, I suppose Jim's done ya some good after all."
"It's just that… I believe that Minnie was right. I am half-human, and I am often blind to that fact. She always said that emotions were a good thing. Perhaps that is why she smiled so often. I suppose I can make this small show of emotion as a sort of tribute to her."
"Call her 'Minerva', Spock. She liked it when you called her that. Only you."
Spock inclined his head and informed Bones that he would be going to bed. The doctor didn't even remove his clothes as he laid down on the pullout bed, just his boots. He fell asleep immediately and didn't wake until nine o'clock, a good ten hours. Someone, presumably Spock, had draped a blanket over him as he slept. He scrubbed at his face, realizing the shower was running. Bones looked around the room. Spock stood at the window, hands clasped behind his back, wearing his dress uniform. A black band of fabric encircled his left bicep. Two more swaths of black fabric lay on the table. Bones joined Spock at the window. The trees were a collage of red, orange, and yellow, the blue sky contrasting them fiercely. Soft white clouds floated across the sky, never hiding the sun from view. A few birds chirped over the sounds the city.
"Jim should be finished with his shower shortly. There will be enough time for you to shower and change before Minerva's viewing at eleven. The funeral is at one o'clock. "
Bones nodded. The shower was shut off; Jim emerged a few minutes later wearing only a pair of boxers. He mumbled a thanks to Bones and let him know the shower was ready. Bones tried to ignore the fact that Jim's blue eyes were rimmed in red. The shower was comforting, the hot water pounding on his shoulders and back and relieving some of the tension there. He felt a twinge in his chest when he remembered how Minnie used to pronounce 'water' like 'wooder'. He wasn't sure how he felt when he realized he didn't automatically want to cry. The doctor scrubbed down quickly so they could grab breakfast before the viewing. When he exited the bathroom, he found Spock and Jim staring out the window, both in their uniforms and black bands; they were standing close enough for their shoulders to brush. Bones almost didn't want to break up the scene.
"Umm…" he said, causing Jim and Spock to turn, "We… we should get some breakfast…"
They nodded as Bones put the remaining black band around his own left bicep. Breakfast was a somber affair, spent with Chekov, Sulu, Uhura, and Scotty. Chekov was sniffling beside Sulu. The poor kid had probably never lost anyone so close before. Bones looked away from the Russian and picked at his eggs and bacon. Even Jim was hardly eating, which was really saying something. After breakfast, everything happened in a blur that Bones was sure he would vividly remember at a later date. He got into a car, then he was sitting in a church, staring at a coffin with Minnie's body in it. Everyone from the Enterprise had something nice to say about her, and Bones vaguely recalled saying something himself. He sat beside Jim afterwards, and the captain gave his hand a squeeze. Things blurred together once more, and the doctor was seated beside a grave, between Jim and Spock. On Jim's other side was the entire Black family. Spock was the end of the line. A crowd stood behind them, mainly Enterprise crew. Opposite them sat the alpha shift bridge crew and Scotty, along some other senior officers from various departments. Sulu had a tight grip on one of Chekov's hands, holding in his lap with both of his own. Tears slid down both their cheeks. Uhura and Scotty looked sadly stoic. Every so often, he felt Jim squeeze his hand gently. Bones wasn't sure which of them Jim was trying to reassure with this action. The doctor looked at his captain once in a while during the burial. Jim Kirk's face was so blank that even Spock was showing more emotion than him in that moment.
"In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti…Amen."
They began lowering the casket. A few shovelfuls of dirt were thrown down before everyone began to disperse. Jim seemed frozen to the spot. It took both Bones and Spock to get him out of his chair and to the car back to the hotel, where Jim's hand found the doctor's once more. A part of Bones realized he should've been worried. The captain disappeared for several hours just as he'd done the night before and returned just as drunk. However, this time, Jim had a split lip, bloodied nose, and a darkening bruise on his chin. Bones automatically assumed that there were more bruises forming elsewhere. Spock's eyebrow disappeared it went so high. He rose to help, but logical Spock was no match for a drunken, bloody Jim. Drunk Jim was incredibly illogical. The doctor immediately directed Jim into the bathroom.
"Ya shoulda seen me, Bones," he slurred, "There's two big… big dudes. I took 'em all by myself. It was pretty steptac-… spetat-… it was awesome."
"I'm sure it was, Jim. Now shut up… and take off your shirt. I need to see all the damage you've been dealt and clean ya up."
Jim grinned and pulled his shirt over his head, revealing a morbid pattern of blossoming bluish-purple all over his torso. Bones told Spock to go get some ice for the damage to the chest and the split lip. Meanwhile, he went about cleaning the blood off his companion's face. He was damn near finished when Jim suddenly lurched forward and slammed his lips into Bones'. The doctor was stunned, momentarily paralyzed by what his best friend had just done. As soon as he regained his senses, he pushed the other man away, able to taste every drink he'd had. Jim looked put out, pouting. He reached out and caressed Bones' face, whispering, "Please, Bones… please… I need this… I need to-"
"No Jim," he sighed, "You don't need it. You can't solve this problem like that."
Of course, then Jim took the next natural step of his drunken state… and slugged Bones in the face. The doctor felt his teeth rattle in jaw and his jaw rattle with them. His cheekbone ached immediately, and he realized he was sprawled on the bathroom tile. The hand he touched his cheek with came back with blood on it; Jim broke the skin. Bones simply sat back up, bracing himself for a punch that never came. Jim's alcohol induced, grief-stricken mood swings had taken another fascinating turn. Now he was just crying. He looked downright pitiful, sitting on the toilet with no shirt and tears streaming down his partially bloody face, his body trembling as violently as his lip.
"Bones, I miss her a lot," he whimpered, "She was one of my best friends. I never had good friends before you and her and the Enterprise. I don't… I don't know how to handle this. I'm sorry."
"I know, kid, I know. Come 'ere," he replied softly, holding his arms open for Jim as he had done for his little Joanna when she was upset. The younger man willingly scooted onto the floor and let himself be wrapped up in the doctor's arms. He buried his face in the crook of the older man's neck, who rested his head on top of his captain's. Every sense seemed to be heightened. Bones could feel Jim's tears slide warm and wet over his skin, hear each sob and whimper and sniffle perfectly, smell the blood and alcohol, taste Jim's lips from the ill-thought-out kiss, see Spock's curious but understanding look before he silently closed the door, leaving the ice on the sink. Jim's fingers scrabbled to grab hold of Bones' shirt. The younger man was wailing loudly now, as though he'd never wept before and would never be able to again. The sound alone brought Bones to tears. He buried his face in Jim's blonde hair and just cried with him. Jim was shaking with the force his sobs. Bones just held him tightly, flush against his body, Jim curled up between his legs. Even after Jim had calmed down, they remained in each other's arms. Jim even fell asleep. The doctor scooped him up off the floor of the bathroom and carried him out to put him in bed. He relieved Jim of his jeans, as well, revealing a few more bruises where he'd likely been kicked. Then he got the ice and washcloths from the bathroom (it had half-melted) and started applying it to certain injuries like the split lip and a large bruise on the ribs.
"Doctor, perhaps you ought to rest. You seem to be in need of it," Spock said after a while.
Bones, however, did not move from his seat on the bed by Jim. He would occasionally remove the ice to check on the injuries. It didn't help that every time he tried to leave, Jim would whimper his name and reach out for him. Spock stood at the glass sliding door that led out to the balcony.
"Doctor? I think perhaps you ought to see this," he stated.
"I can't, Spock. What is it? Just tell me."
"Are we not ten stories up, doctor?"
"We are."
"Tell me, how high can the average house cat jump?"
"Not ten stories. What does this have to do with anything, Spock?"
The half-Vulcan did not answer. He simply opened the sliding glass door. Bones had to admit that he did not see that one coming. Through the door came trotting a small, fluffy, pale orange cat with light blue eyes. After rubbing against Spock's leg, it walked right over to the bed where Bones and Jim were and jumped up onto it. Pale blue eyes stared at him, and she (for Bones had decided the cat was a girl) meowed at him. It was a high-pitched noise that sounded like it should've come from a kitten rather than a cat. Bones reached out a tentative hand to pat her on the head. She purred, rubbing against it before sitting and staring again. The doctor's eyebrows shot up. On the cat's chest was a white spot in the shape of the Starfleet insignia. Her eyes closed; it looked like she was smiling.
"Bones, why is there a cat in here?"
Jim's bright blue eyes were peering blearily at the cat. Bones just smiled and replied, "No idea, Jim. Spock let her in. Sure is a sweet cat, though."
The captain pushed himself into a sitting position, letting the ice fall away. The cat padded over to him and stepped up into his lap, paws on his chest, rubbing her head on his chin. Jim's lips quirked upwards as he scratched her head. He laid back down, and the cat curled up on his chest; they both fell asleep quickly. Bones carefully rose from the bed. Jim made no motions or sounds.
"I do not understand, doctor," Spock said, "How did the cat arrive on our balcony? You said cats cannot jump that high, they certainly cannot fly, and there is no tree outside that could have been climbed. How-?"
"Spock… did you ever stop to look at that cat? You ever stop to think that, maybe, it's that sign we were looking for?"
"That is most illogical. The appearance of a cat on our balcony does not suggest-"
"Spock… sometimes, the answer to your problems ain't gonna be logical. Just… accept it."
The half-Vulcan fell silent and stared.
"I… suppose the markings could be meaningful, doctor. Do you believe Minerva had a hand in this?"
Bones snorted, saying, "Oh, I know she did, Spock. Well, let's turn in. It's been a long day for everyone."
"Certainly. Should you tend to that wound on your face?"
Bones' hand shot to his cheek where Jim had hit him; he'd forgotten about it. He mumbled about cleaning it up himself, but Spock offered to do it for him. Bones had to admit he was touched by Spock's concern. The first officer was surprisingly gentle.
"Tell me, doctor… why does Jim call you 'Bones'? I am curious."
"Well, I reckon it's 'cause when I first met him, I told him my ex took the planet in the divorce and all I had left was my bones. Called me that and been my friend ever since, even after I told him I might throw up on him."
"Fascinating," was all Spock said, and Bones could hear the amusement present in that one word. He stepped away, and the doctor knew he was all patched up.
"Good work, Spock," he said, checking the handiwork, "Hmm… maybe I should watch my back. You'll be coming after my CMO position soon."
"You need not worry about that, doctor. Jim would never allow it."
Bones smiled and suggested, again, that they turn in. He cast a look over at the bed where Jim slept with the cat. Their chests rose and fell in tandem. Bones had to keep smiling. He laid down on the other bed after a losing a short argument with Spock, worn to his bones.
Thanks, Minnie.
You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
-David Harkins
Whether we are filled with joy or grief, our angels are close to us, speaking to our hearts of God's love.
~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994
A/N 2: Antigone is a play by Sophocles about Antigone, one of the daughters of Oedipus. Look it up. It's actually quite interesting. A lot of people from South Jersey and the Delaware Valley really do pronounce 'water' like 'wooder'. It's all just part of our own special accent.
I am a huge believer in lost loved ones leaving signs for those of us left behind. The idea of Jim's cousin leaving pennies actually comes from my own cousin doing the same. The stories of balloons and butterflies come from stories I've read in places like Woman's World and Chicken Soup.. Just watch a little John Edward's Cross Country; it'll make you a believer. Trust me.
Finally, it pains me to say it, but there is only one chapter left in this story. It's coming to an end! *sob* Unfortunately, I'm not sure if it will be up next weekend. I'm going on a trip for my Public History class, so I won't be able to type it up then. Please bear with me.. and keep an eye those inboxes!
If there are any questions about something in this chapter, please ask! Remember, the only stupid question is the one not asked. And reviews make very happy when I open my inbox. You could save me from a very shitty day with a review :)