A/N: Here it is. Long awaited and in my opinion, an even better session with Dr. Andrews. Chapter 12 will take at least a week for me to write, have Jen beta, and post. Assuming I get time between work and other obligations. And I'm warning you all right now: If you're a minor, don't read Chapter 12 (or will it be 13? Hmm....)
Eric's body raged the rest of the day despite his best intentions. Even with no more run-ins with Calleigh, he remained alert, sensitive to the slightest movement outside the lab. He'd look up searching for that distinctive blonde hair and a part of him was particularly disappointed when he saw someone else. So by the time 5:30PM came around, he was very relieved that he would be able to leave a few minutes early to make his appointment with Dr. Andrews.
When he had started therapy, the department psychologist had noticed his hesitance to open up to someone he would see during the normal course of his duties. Someone his co-workers could possibly see, either professionally or personally. And so Dr. Madera had recommended Dr. Andrews, whose practice was a quick five-minute drive from the main offices of the police department. Eric couldn't be happier the office was so close to his job. He didn't think he could have tolerated the usual Miami traffic at rush hour.
As a result, he pulled into the underground parking lot quickly and took the elevator up to the main level. Dr. Andrews' office was situated on the first level of the three-story building, in the middle of the hall. The building was a converted mansion built in the 1910s and boasted a spiral staircase in the grand entrance. The elevators, a retrofit to the old place, were discretely positioned down the hall. Eric almost always got turned around when he came here. All the doors looked the same and that could be said for the halls as well.
Dr. Andrews patiently waited for Eric's arrival, examining reports, and occasionally pushing up his glasses, which drooped down his patrician nose. He was curious as to the reason for this visit. Eric wasn't one for making spontaneous appointments, but since his last impromptu session, Dr. Andrews was interested to find out what had happened. Calleigh appeared to be a good influence on his young patient. Something, he suspected, Eric needed desperately. He was intimately familiar with Eric's past, and in particular, his sister's death the year and a half before. He hadn't taken it well, as Dr. Madera had told him in confidence. Part of any good psychologist's practice was to research a patient's history and Dr. Madera had told him as much as he could and provided copies of his notes from the few sessions he had had with the CSI.
The man was exceptionally punctual with limited instances when he'd been late and now was no different. Speak of the devil, he thought as a light knock preceded Eric's entry into his office. He had to suppress a smile at the wayward thought. Eric sat down, and Dr. Andrews, an observer of those subtle physical and emotional clues people did not realize they verbalized without speech, noted the tension to his mouth and forehead, the hunched over and protective curve of his shoulders, signifying a defensive posture. Something was definitely bothering his patient. Hopefully, Eric Delko would be in a sharing mood today and not make him have to pry it out of the man. Sometimes, getting that man to talk was like pulling teeth, painful and time-consuming.
"So, what brings you here today, Eric?" Dr. Andrews asked, noting the nervous tick in his temple.
"I wanted to talk to you about Calleigh. How could she have done that? She didn't tell me for over six months!" Eric said angrily, cryptically.
Dr. Andrews had a feeling he'd stepped into a conversation Eric had been having with himself for a while now. Before he replied, he buzzed Carla and spoke quietly into the intercom, "Hold all of my calls. Cancel my seven-thirty." His always-efficient receptionist complied and he turned his attention back to his patient. "Eric, please start from the beginning, in a linear progression, that way I can get the full picture and maybe help you work out whatever the problem is."
Eric's lips twisted before he continued, "The beginning. The beginning would be where Calleigh failed to mention to me over the last six-plus months that we'd been dating each other seriously before my shooting."
Dr. Andrews had to fight to keep his complete and utter shock from showing. Of all the things this session could have been about regarding Calleigh Duquesne, that had never crossed his mind. He cleared his throat and motioned for his client to continue.
"So I've been having these dreams, which we talked about in the last session. I guess I better start after that. I went to a club on South Beach. I was depressed, wanting what I couldn't have, what I shouldn't have and went to a club to forget my troubles and just have a good time. I hadn't done that in forever, since probably before the shooting. I wanted to drink a little, dance a little, and if I hooked up with a girl…maybe that was for the best. Something to take my mind off Calleigh. But that didn't happen. We ran into each other…"
Eric's voice trailed off and a fire engine red blush crept over his features, visible even through his olive-toned skin. Dr. Andrews had an inkling where this conversation was about to lead.
"We danced, and I swear, it just happened. Calleigh is with Jake. Or maybe she's not now," he murmured, scratching the back of his neck. "Regardless, I'm not one for horning in on a guy's girl, even if I want her, even if I think she'd be better off with someone else. But it just happened. One moment we were dancing and then we were kissing and it was incredible. Everything I'd ever imagined kissing Calleigh would be like." His voice softened and got husky, a hint of passion darkening his gaze before his surroundings shook him out of it.
"Anyway, she left a few minutes later to probably join Jake and I left the club. Went home and as I was getting ready for the next morning, I found a jewelry box. Inside, there was a diamond bracelet and a note, in my handwriting alluding to a relationship with Calleigh. I-I had these visions, flashbacks…"
Dr. Andrews could see his patient was lost in his own memories by the glazed look in his eyes. He indulged Eric for a few seconds, but his own desire to hear the rest of the story had him prodding, "Go on."
"One I knew was a memory. I bought her a one-touch espresso machine with all the bells and whistles about a year and a half ago." He nodded in confirmation.
Dr. Andrews suppressed the instinct to raise an eyebrow. That was one hell of a gift for a friend, but he didn't want to put his patient on the defensive too soon.
"The second was more…I was in a bed and her scent was on the pillows." His voice had gotten low, but it was still audible. "In the last, we were rolling around in some leaves, maybe at a park, and Calleigh said she loved me." A hard expression came over his face.
"When I came out of it, something about the visions rang true. I had to talk to her. I drove over to her place at two-thirty in the morning and we talked. God, I was so confused, not sure if I was going crazy, out of my mind, and I confided in her about the dreams. She told me they were real. She said we were in a relationship before the shooting, but that she broke up with me. She didn't tell me because, as she put it, it was never the right time. When is the right time? When I'm old and gray? I was so…angry, pissed off. I felt betrayed, hurt. She was my friend. She'd taken care of me over the last several months and she'd been lying the whole time," Eric raged, all of his emotions having found an outlet that wouldn't flinch away, or look at him with hurt in her eyes, make him feel guilty for his feelings.
"So these dreams have been your mind's way of telling you the truth," Dr. Andrews surmised. He nodded. "What was Calleigh's reason for breaking off the relationship in the first place?" he asked, changing the subject slightly.
"She said something about 'everything was perfect between us.' She was worried about how the relationship would affect our careers. I thought it was more because she was scared. I mean, how can you have a lasting relationship with a guy who regularly played the field?" he said self-deprecatingly.
At this, Dr. Andrews interrupted. He was concerned at Eric's lack of self-worth. "Eric, do you think that's how you'd behave if you were in a serious relationship now?"
He was quiet for a long minute. "No," he said finally, "But with my past, I can see how she would think that." Eric hadn't been 'relationship material' before the shooting. If there was one good thing to come out of having bits of lead embedded in his temple, it was that he had a newfound appreciation of life and what it had to offer. If anything, he'd become more deliberate in his actions and looked toward the future instead of lingering in the present, living in the moment.
Dr. Andrews reviewed his notes. "You said she told you 'everything was perfect between us.' Doesn't that imply she was worried about the relationship not working out?"
Eric conceded the point by nodding.
"I don't know Ms. Duquesne's background, but I suspect by that isolated comment she has some trust issues," Dr. Andrews added cautiously. He hated to make generalizations about people he'd never met, but in this case, Eric needed to see another side to the story and recognize the young woman could have some valid concerns to overcome.
"Yeah, she's been…hurt. Her father's an alcoholic. I've never met her mother, but Calleigh doesn't talk about her," Eric said uncomfortably. He didn't like talking about people behind their backs, especially Calleigh. Even now, he wanted to protect her.
"She said that when I got out it wasn't the right time," he said, anger flashing in his eyes, anger at her and anger at himself for still protecting her, even after everything.
"She probably didn't want to disrupt your recovery, Eric. Sometimes surprises aren't good for one's constitution, especially when that person's recovering from a traumatic brain injury," Dr. Andrews played devil's advocate. The poor woman needed someone in her corner, and even though he was supposed to remain objective at all times, he found himself trying to make Eric see the motivations behind the deception. It was obvious to him that Eric still cared for the woman. Why else would he be so angry?
"Well, it doesn't end there. She broke up with me, didn't tell me about us when I was in the hospital or after, and within weeks she's dating Jake," Eric said incredulously.
Dr. Andrews backtracked, "Who's Jake?"
"Jake Berkley, he's another detective in the department," Eric said resentfully. "He's Calleigh's ex from the Academy."
Ah, so that explains the animosity, Dr. Andrews mused internally. No one liked an ex sticking around.
"She said she still loved me, after everything she'd revealed. She loved me. What a joke. How could she? How dare she?" Eric shook his head, unable to believe those thoughts voiced in that moment. Unable to reconcile his memories of them so happy together with her betrayal. "While we were fighting, Jake walked in. I don't know how much he heard, but he must have heard something from the ticked off look on his face. I didn't care. All I could see was red and I needed to get out of there. I left her there with him. I took off and went home."
A hint of worry must have shone through his tone because Dr. Andrews remarked, "Even as you were feeling angry and betrayed, you found yourself concerned for her welfare, did you not? Mr. Berkley had just overheard at least some of your conversation and was obviously going to confront Ms. Duquesne about it."
Eric nodded. "As much as I don't like to admit it, I was concerned. I still find myself concerned for her. Even after everything that's happened. Everything I've found out. Everything she's held back from me. I'm still concerned about her. I still love her," he confessed.
Dr. Andrews suspected it wasn't the first time he'd admitted to his romantic feelings regarding his partner since the harsh discovery. Even so, he had to suppress the urge to cheer at the admission. "And you find that bothersome," he stated.
Eric confirmed his thoughts. "How could I not? I'm so confused. A part of me wants to hate her. A part of me is angry, a large part, pissed off, betrayed, hurt, incredibly hurt. So freakin' angry she never told me. Angry she broke us up in the first place. Angry she didn't fight for us," he finished in a rush, tears pricking his eyes for the first time. Aren't I worth fighting for?
His heart went out to his patient, but Dr. Andrews had to remain objective, or at least, that's what he told himself. The hurt was visible on his face and the anger too. But there was one piece of the puzzle he didn't think even Eric had figured out yet. Not even subconsciously. "Eric," he said quietly, softly. "What would you say if I told you I thought a significant part of your anger is turned inward?"
His tear-streaked face turned toward his doctor, a look of confusion in his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"I think a large part of your anger stems from guilt aimed at yourself," he continued slowly and deliberately.
"What do I have to feel guilty about?" Eric scoffed.
"I think a part of you blames yourself and is angered at your own mind for betraying you in the first place. Think about it for a moment. After the shooting, your mind blocked out many events, your sister's death being a very prominent memory. Didn't you feel guilty and angry with yourself for not remembering that moment? How could you have forgotten something so incredibly important? Your sister died and you didn't remember it," he said intensely, getting into his patient's mind, voicing words Eric had never even subconsciously thought. "The same could be said for your relationship with Calleigh. You were in love. Deeply so, I suspect. If you really loved her, wouldn't you, shouldn't you have remembered it? How could you forget something so integral?"
Eric's face reflected shock and dismay, but to a more significant degree, denial. He didn't want to believe Dr. Andrews' assertions. He didn't want to believe that at least some of the anger he'd been taking out on Calleigh was really directed at himself. Because that would mean he'd treated her deplorably. Memories of the last two weeks poured into his consciousness and Eric's mind replayed each look of pain, hurt, and sadness Calleigh had graced him with, her eyes filled with emotions unspoken.
Eric's heart began to pound and he felt slightly nauseated thinking about the hell he'd put her through. Granted, she did deserve his anger, but what he'd aimed at her for the last few weeks went beyond what was acceptable. It almost…verged on abusive. He owed her an apology like none he'd ever given.
Dr. Andrews watched Eric's countenance and saw the gradual acceptance of his words. He had to suppress a sigh of relief. Now we're getting somewhere, he thought.
"What now, then?" Eric asked. Since much of his anger was acknowledged as being directed at himself, a large part of it melted away. He'd felt so justified and smugly right in his assertions about Calleigh and her deception; now that he'd recognized the truth of his emotions, it left him feeling bereft. Lost. Adrift. Confused as to what the next step was.
"What do you want, Eric?" Dr. Andrews turned the question back on his patient. He wanted Eric to say the words. He knew what he wanted. The question was: would he go after it?
Eric was silent, thinking about the options left to him. Even with everything that had happened, he still wanted Calleigh, but she'd betrayed their trust. Respect and trust were a significant part of a relationship. Respect for yourself and your partner. Trust was integral. A relationship built on trust was lasting and loving. To start, or restart, one with distrust permeating the many facets of a relationship was pointless. Distrust and suspicion were the hallmarks of broken marriages and other unions. Nothing was more important than those two ideals. If you didn't have respect and trust, then what did you have? "I want Calleigh back, but I don't know if I can trust her again," he said finally, voicing his concerns.
Dr. Andrews took off his glasses and looked his client in the eye. "I know you had respect for Calleigh. Both personally and professionally. That was apparent from the first. Trust can be rebuilt. You trust her professionally, but since learning of your relationship and how she hid it, she's lost your trust personally. People rebuild trust in their relationships all the time. I have many clients who are struggling to rebuild their marriages when infidelity, when dishonesty, has rent them apart. It's not easy. It's a long and hard road, but the question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you want to try. Is Calleigh worth the struggle to rebuild the trust between you?"
Eric ruminated on Dr. Andrews' words. What little he remembered of their relationship before the shooting was steeped in warmth and love. He knew to his bones they'd been happy, secure in themselves and each other. It was the best relationship of his life. He was sure of it. Did he want her back? Yes. Was he willing to do whatever it took to do that? That was the $64,000 question. Memories of that brief moment in time assaulted his senses and Eric recalled the many moments over the years when she'd been there for him or vice versa.
"Yes, she is. She's worth anything," he said softly and Dr. Andrews had to fight not to pump his fist in the air. Instead, the good doctor smiled sedately.
"Then you know what to do," Dr. Andrews finished.
Eric thanked Dr. Andrews for his time and insight and quickly left. Now that he'd reached a decision regarding Calleigh, he was anxious to speak with her. As much as he cared about her, as much as he wanted to be with her, he was apprehensive about how she would respond to his advances. He'd treated her deplorably over the last two weeks, and he couldn't be sure if she still wanted him. Granted, they'd had a scorching encounter in the storage room, the memory of which still brought a flush to his cheeks, but physical attraction was only one component to a relationship. And even if she wanted to begin anew, he still wasn't sure if he could trust her again. Eric's thoughts circled back. But the point was, he wanted to try. He was ready to attempt to reconnect with Calleigh on that level. Confidence in his feelings made Eric stride more resolutely to his car, ready to tell Calleigh everything. But one nagging question remained. Would she still want him?