A/N: I know it's been a very long time since I last updated. Between going to FL for vacay, a funeral for a friend, another funeral for another friend (well, her baby's funeral), and getting sick with the flu...not to mention the severe writer's block I had. I wrote, scrapped, and rewrote this chapter about five times before I even sent it to my wonderful beta, Jen. Thanks hon. You will never know how much I appreciated it. In any event, I hope you enjoy it, please read and review, and Chapter 13 will be out very, very soon. And after that, just one epilogue. And that will be the end of this labor of love. On with the show!
Calleigh poured herself a glass of Sauvignon Blanc when she arrived home and sat down on her sofa in the living room. The day had been draining for her, mentally and physically, and most of her tension resulted from a certain Latino. She needed to relax desperately, or at least, attempt to. Rolling her head around to help release the tension in her neck, Calleigh tilted her neck back and let her head fall gently to rest. A sigh expelled from her lips. The day had been nerve-wracking. Hell, the last two weeks had been nerve-wracking. Between the doubles and Eric's anger, Calleigh felt like she was strung tight as a bow, ready to snap.
This tension between them had to release or something was going to happen. One way or another she needed to know where they stood. If he wanted nothing to do with her, then she would have to move on and try to salvage their friendship. Although, she thought wryly, whoever had originally come up with the idea of being 'just friends' with an ex was an idiot and obviously had never tried it before. Being 'just friends' with someone you'd shared so much history with, someone who you'd loved, someone you'd made love to, had inside your body, was damn hard. Usually, only time and distance could help someone gain perspective and take that step towards friendship. And as much as she cared about Eric, Calleigh didn't think she could be just his friend. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough.
A light knock sounded tentatively at her door and Calleigh groaned internally. Who could that be? She really wasn't up for company right now and she wasn't expecting anyone. A brief moment to close her eyes and gain some strength into limp limbs and then she was on her feet walking to the front door. A peek through the security view showed a fidgety Eric. Calleigh's heart jumped into her throat. What was he doing here? She wasn't sure if she could take another fight. They were starting to wear her down emotionally.
She opened the door. "Hey, can I come in? I need to talk to you," he asked quietly. Calleigh nodded and stepped aside to let him in.
Eric moved to the sofa, the same sofa where they'd had the mother of all arguments two weeks prior, and sat down. Calleigh joined him, stiffly sitting on the edge of the cushion, tension coiled in her body at the sight of that same tension reflected in Eric's posture, arms tightly crossed defensively over her chest. He didn't speak for a few moments and the seconds seemed to stretch out between them in the silence. Finally, Calleigh was about to break the silence when Eric spoke.
"I went to see Dr. Andrews this evening, right after work," he began.
Calleigh's brow furrowed. What did that have to do with her?
"I talked to him about our relationship, or lack thereof," Eric's lips twisted sardonically. "I told him what happened between us, how you ended it, and then didn't tell me about us after I recovered. I talked about the fight two weeks ago, the confrontation, everything," Eric said, struggling to keep his voice even and not let the anger get the best of him, but it was a losing battle. Thinking about those moments two weeks ago, the confrontations since, the yelling, the charged emotions, it all brought back the intense anger and he lost track of the purpose of coming there. "Damn it, Calleigh, why didn't you tell me? Why did you let us go? Why didn't you fight, for me? For us?" His voice rose with each word incrementally, until he was almost yelling and he didn't realize it.
And just like that, Calleigh's defensive back was up. "We've gone over this. I don't know how many times I can say the same thing over! I made a mistake, Eric, you know, that little thing where you fuck up your life without meaning to? It's a common trait among humans," she said sarcastically, her anger, ever present with Eric around, rising to the fore.
"But you lied to me, Calleigh. By omission, yes. But a lie, nonetheless. And then you decided to let it be and moved on with Jake!" he yelled, motioning wildly, getting up from his seated position, unable to be that close to her. He paced in the living room, his legs jerkily eating up the floor in the small space.
"We all make mistakes. And damn it, I know I screwed up. I know I lost your trust, but you lost mine too. At least to a certain extent. You—" she fired back, standing up as well. She was never one to sit while having a fight. It gave the other person too much of an advantage.
"Took all the control. You made all the decisions, Calleigh. For yourself. And for me. And you're damn right you lost my trust—" he interrupted, remembering how helpless, out of control he'd felt when he first learned of her deception.
Calleigh talked over his last comment. "You lost mine, too, Eric. Let's not forget that. The last two weeks I've been trying to talk to you, just talk, but you won't even give me the time of day! You've been mean, and sarcastic, and hurtful," she said loudly, voice breaking, remembering his biting comments and harsh looks. Tears stung her eyes, but she blinked them back successfully. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry.
It was a side of Eric she'd never imagined she'd see. And she never wanted to see it again. She didn't need this. She really didn't need yet another fight with him. It was too damn hard and draining to sling the mud and pretend it didn't sting when the cold, wet mass made harsh contact with her skin, with her heart.
Like a splash of cold water, Calleigh's words, the ache reverberating through her voice, broke through the red haze of anger and hurt, the pain that had been driving, fueling his words. "I didn't come here to fight," he said tiredly, but tension still laced in his tone, and he dragged his hands down over his face, rubbing his tired and burning eyes. "I came here to apologize. I came here to tell you something."
Calleigh's bruised and beaten heart was skeptical, which is why she answered with a scornful, "Apologize for what, Oh-Most-Perfect-One? What could you possibly have to apologize for?" Sarcasm dripped from every word that poured out of her mouth.
In a split second, his countenance went from tired and overwrought to angered and defensive. "I love you!" he yelled, the words exploding out of his mouth in frustration. "I fucking came here to apologize, tell I want you back, and that I love you! There, are you satisfied?" God, the woman was driving him fucking crazy. Only Calleigh. Only Calleigh could get him this worked up. She was the only woman in the world that could have him fighting to figure out up from down, heaven from hell. She turned everything inside out and upside down on its ear.
Calleigh's world tilted on its axis at Eric's impromptu confession. Her senses perked and sharpened suddenly at the brittle words, not hearing the tone of the monologue, but listening to the connotation and the underlying tremble that reverberated faintly in his cadence. Her hearing sharpened, sensitive to the slightest whisper of sound. Her vision crystallized, focusing in on his mouth, watching the plump upper and lower lips, his tongue form around the syllables. And her skin prickled with goose bumps the instant the words passed his lips, sensitized to his every motion.
Her anger drained slowly away, but it left only the most absurd emotions behind: hope, faith, love. Did she just hear…? Her brain screamed at her not to wish, not to dream, not to hope. But her heart beat that organ into submission and soaked in his words.
"I'm sorry, Calleigh. For behaving like an ass for the last two weeks. Some of it you deserved, a lot of it you didn't. Dr. Andrews helped me realize that the rage I've been focusing on you since you told me about us was not entirely all directed at you. I didn't realize it, but I've felt guilty that I didn't remember us in the first place. I've been taking my anger and guilt at myself and displacing it onto you. If I really cared about you—loved you—" Here Eric's voice stuttered at the admission. Deliberately articulating his feelings was different from saying the words in the heat of the moment. "Then I should have remembered what we had. I want to try to rekindle this thing between us, Calleigh. I want you," During this little speech, he'd moved progressively closer to her, but still tentative, afraid to reach out. Wondering if it was too late. Hoping she'd still want him like he needed her.
Calleigh was silent for a long moment, just staring at Eric, voice locked tight behind the massive knot lodged in her throat, tears misting her eyes. He still wanted her? He wanted to try again. Rebuild what they'd had. It was inconceivable that he would want what she'd been aching for since she broke up with him over six months ago. She'd had so many regrets since that moment and it seemed too good to be true that he would want the same thing. Was she dreaming? Maybe she was dreaming. Yeah, that's right. She'd fallen asleep on the couch and this was all a dream.
If this wasn't a dream, if he was telling the truth, as his soft, serious tone suggested, did she want to risk it? Even after all the fighting, all the trust lost on both sides, could she risk her heart again, knowing the hell in store for them, for her, if it didn't work out? She thought about the way they were, how incredibly happy they were before she stupidly let fear rule her decisions, but this time, she'd let her heart, instead of her head, make her decision.
Eric began to get anxious at her lack of response and laughed nervously. "Calleigh?" he questioned.
His questioning tone broke her reverie. "I'm dreaming, aren't I?" she said softly, voice finally reaching her mouth to push out the words. She looked up at him, eyes luminous with tears, afraid to hope, afraid to dream, afraid that all her wishes would be crushed like so much ash.
Eric's lips lifted into a small smile. "No, baby, you're not dreaming."
"I still want you. God, Eric, how could you think otherwise?" she said, laughing, a little in relief and disbelief, still a little convinced this was all a dream. Her hand covered her laugh, suppressing the small sound, almost afraid that with the vocalization, the dream would dissolve and she'd go back to being alone again.
Eric reached out, grasped her hands gently and squeezed, cautious to press against boundaries. Just because they'd agreed to try again didn't mean she would want his attentions right away. Even so, he needed the touch. He needed a physical affirmation of their new intention.
Calleigh wasn't satisfied with that. She let go of his hands and reached for him, pulling him into her arms for a much-needed hug. God, she didn't want to let him go. It felt like home, comfortable, like chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven, the moment like a balm to her frayed nerves, quieting the fears in her heart. Tears finally overflowed, released from their prison, slipping silently down her cheeks. For a few long moments Calleigh just held Eric, nuzzling her face into the crook of his neck, sniffling a bit. Their previous encounters had been about passion, repressed desire, and desperation. This was about comfort, new beginnings, and a bit of relief.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let my fear get in the way of us. I let that fear dictate my actions and because of me over six months were lost," she apologized, murmuring the soft words into his neck.
Eric slowly shook his head back and forth, slowly rocking her body against his, lulling and comforting, providing and receiving the comfort it was so obvious they both needed. "That's in the past now. We're going to try to rebuild what we had. I won't say it will be easy. I won't even say it'll work, but at least we'll try. I want that, Calleigh. I want what I feel sometimes when I think about that time or when I get flashbacks to those months." Even these last two weeks, maybe especially these last two weeks, he'd continued to have dreams about them. Some felt like true memories, others felt like déjà vu which led him to believe they could be memories, and other dreams had just felt like wishful thinking, his subconscious making his dreams and desires, however deeply buried during the day, known in the inky darkness of night.
"So where do we go from here?" she asked tentatively, pulling back to look into his eyes, unconsciously playing with the collar of his shirt.
"Rebuilding the trust between us personally is going to take time. On both of our sides. The way I've treated you for the last few weeks has probably had an impact on your feelings towards me," he replied softly, knowing he'd allowed his overwrought emotions to play havoc with Calleigh's heart, albeit unintentionally.
Calleigh's mind reeled, trying to digest what Eric was telling her. He wanted her back, but he needed to rebuild their trust personally. He didn't trust her personally. And he'd definitely taken several steps back in their relationship with her trust of him. He'd treated her like crap for the last two weeks. There had definitely been some trust lost on her side as well. "You really hurt me, Eric. I know what I did wasn't right, not by a long shot, but the last two weeks…it's a side of you I've never seen before. And quite frankly, it's not one I care to ever see again. You were biting, sarcastic, hurtful, down-right mean. It actually hurt to be around you, the rage and anger affecting our relationship at work," Calleigh said softly, achingly, vulnerability soaking her words, infusing them with her anguish.
"All I can say is that I'm sorry for my behavior. You didn't deserve a lot of it. My anger and pain at feeling betrayed doesn't justify the deplorable way I treated you, Calleigh, but I really want to try this again between us. I know I still have problems to deal with. We'll have to take this slowly, relearn each other. For you, it'll probably be harder. There's so much about us I don't remember that you do. We'll just take it one day at a time," he said.
Calleigh nodded in agreement. Trust would need to be rebuilt on both of their sides. Even so, going slowly would be hard. She had more memories, intensely bittersweet, of their time together before the shooting. She knew so much about Eric personally while he only had snippets of their relationship tumbling in his mind. Part of her wanted to just jump right in with both feet without looking, but she would go slowly for Eric's sake. No matter how much her heart urged her otherwise.
In the spirit of taking things slow, Calleigh asked, "Would you like to stay over for a bit and watch a movie with me? I'll cook dinner. No pressure." She held her breath awaiting his response.
Eric hesitated for a split second before a soft smile curved his lips. "I'd like that." And thus, the first olive branch of trust was extended.