5. Insight
I just wanted to go back, I wanted to say I'm sorry. Edward may not have me back…
Why do I fell asleep, why did I come here?
"I hate you Jacob." I was staring at him, full of resentment and crystalline tears running down my eyes.
"Why do you hate me? It's not my fault you're in love with me and you still don't want to accept it Bella." He answered me as coldly as I had spoken to him, equally staring at me with resentment and without tears.
"I'm not in love with you, I don't even like you Jacob, and you just ruin everything for me!" I screamed the last words into his face.
I was messing everything, first Edward now Jacob?
But the vomit of words couldn't stop, the rage I had was against me not him, but it was easier to get it out with him, everything I was saying to Jacob I was telling it to myself. I didn't like me, I'm a horrible person, so selfish and hurtful and a real worthless person, maybe it was better to remove the love that those two precious persons had for me-Edward and Jacob.
"You know it's not true Bella I ruin nothing, you are the one who keeps incenting me, that dream you had Bella wasn't my fault either, you saw our future, you were wishing for it, something I forgot to tell you. When you mention the two little kids, the "babies" you mentioned your Edward again but this time mopping, then began to say "I don't want you."
While we were arguing, the dream I had, was placing in my head like a real memory, like one that I once lived and remembered, the emptiness was still there making my heart ache in indescribable ways. I remembered from beginning to end, when my two children disappeared and I found Edward instead.
After Edward disappeared, I looked up and found Jacob instead, his face was a smiling face, he was holding me, I was trying to escape from his hold, but he didn't let go.
Edward was staring in the forest, I was saying Jacob to let go but he didn't, then Edward began to walk away, I needed to do something desperate. I told Jacob that I didn't wanted him, then he let go, but Edward had disappeared so as Jacob, I was left alone in the woods, with a broken heart.
My dream was similar to what had happened, very similar.
"Jacob, please let me go." My voice was weak, I was gasping without breathe. Everything began to ache, I was alone in the woods again, and my chest was oppressed by dark emptiness.
He let his hand slide through my arms, he gave a one last touch, stared me deep in the eyes, I saw how one tear slipped through his eye and then he disappeared, he went running, fast to the woods.
I felt as if the river was my tears, flowing without control.
I was seeing Jacob's shade disappear through the woods.
"I'm sorry Jake." I whispered, my words were taken by the wind, spreading through every tree and living thing, hearing what I had to say to my friend, my werewolf who was fading away, maybe they would get him the message, maybe he'll hear that I was sorry.
My eyes kept staring blankly into the forest, just like my dream, Edward had gone so did Jacob.
I didn't deserve any of them. They deserved better than me, a good person that wasn't so rotten and miserable.
Tears were invading my cheeks; my heart pounded weakly on my chest, irregular, dysfunctional beats. I began to sob.
I fell in a limbo state, when I was aware I wasn't awake but wasn't sleeping either. I kept feeling the pain; the tears had been blown by Forks wind.
I felt a blanket spreading over my body, getting me warm, I felt how someone lifted me of the floor and carried me. I was coward enough to let my eyes closed.
But this time I took it brave, or the more I could. I opened my eyes slowly and found Edward's face so fine and so painful to watch, the eternal bruises down his striking golden eyes were profound, as if he had silently cried, though he couldn't, it seemed likely. I didn't dare to look at his eyes, they would be so wound and hurt, I was an atrocious , nasty person. I closed my eyes quickly, tensing them so I could force myself to not open them again. I couldn't talk; there was a very huge loop I couldn't swallow. My throat ached, my heart was agonizing.
"Bella open your eyes love, you're going to hurt yourself." Edwards' mellow voice made knives stab my heart and made my eyes locked up more tense.
I still couldn't talk, the loop was growing bigger and bigger every time. Tears began to flood my eyes again.
"Please don't cry Bella." His voice broke; if I didn't know he couldn't cry I could have sworn he was doing it know.
I was truly a monster.
I remained silent, with my eyes shut so tense.
Maybe if I stayed like this forever I would not do more harm.