Hey guys. Thanks again for your feedback. It's good to know what you are thinking, even if it's hard to hear sometimes.
This chapter serves as a little bit of a transition into the turning point which will take place in chapter seventeen… Thank you, to my wonderful beta zgirl21 for helping me find the RIGHT thing for the turning point because what I had originally had planned was just too much… I think that it will be much easier for you all to read… That being said… I think I was wrong about it getting more difficult to read… I think that this chapter ends on a pretty positive note and shows hope for a better future for both our characters. I'm really excited about the next chapter! I hope to have it up by Tuesday.
Edward's song is by Landon Pigg (another I know) it's called "Can't Let Go"
As always, thank you again to zgirl21 and NoMoreThanUsual!
You Found Me
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight
Chapter Sixteen
Have to get back, have to get back the base
I need to talk to somebody, I can trust
Too many cooks, are trying to spoil the broth
I can't feel it in my throat, that's all she wrote
I'm not feeling it no more, I'm not feeling it anymore
Not feeling it no more, not feeling it anymore
We all know that money, don't buy you love
You just get a job and somewhere to live
You have to look for happiness, within yourself
And don't go chasing thinking that it is somewhere else
I'm not feeling it no more, I'm not feeling it anymore
Baby I'm trying to give you the score
I'm not feeling it no more
I was pretending all the time
I was giving everybody what they wanted
And I lost my piece of mind
All I ever wanted was simply just to be me
All you ever need is the truth
And the truth will set you free
"I'm Not Feeling It Anymore," by Van Morrison
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He tossed the leather bag that contained his work on the floor of the entry way as soon as he walked through the door. It had been a long day but he wasn't complaining really, he loved what he did, even more so with Emmett around less and Leah out of the country. When his wife began spending time with the woman, he was certain that Leah would spill the truth about their relationship. Wasn't that what all ex-lovers did? Though he had no personal experiences regarding that subject, he had seen it happen in movies countless amounts of times… and then there was Jim Gregson.
Jim had been Jacob's mentor during his first two years at AEG. Fresh out of college, he had come to idolize the man. Jim had everything Jacob had ever dreamed of: a beautiful wife, millions of dollars, a job he loved, and a charismatic personality that seemed to draw in everyone. When he had first met the man, he knew that he wanted to be exactly like him, and he swore to himself that one day, though hopefully not quite too far down the road, he would have it all. Jim also, as it had turned out, had a mistress. To make matters worse, the woman, Jamie Hartson, was no older than Jake himself. In fact, they had been hired at the same time. When Jim refused to leave his wife, Jamie filed a sexual harassment suit and Jim was fired immediately. What became of him, Jacob had no clue. At the time, he had been put off by his mentor's behavior, though it seemed that the more he thought about it, the more he dwelled on the situation, Jacob began to believe that Jim hadn't been as smart as he had thought. He knew that if he ever cheated, he wouldn't be like Jim; he would be smart enough to get away with it.
Thankfully, nearly a month after Leah had left; Bella had never mentioned anything about an affair. For the first time he was finally starting to calm down, certain that he had gotten away with it and he could not move on with his life and act as though nothing had happened. It was, after all, the best option for him. The company was still undecided as to who they wanted to promote and that was enough weighing on him; the past few months that he had been worrying about that and Leah, had nearly drove him mad. Maybe now, he thought, Bella would warm up to him again and they could find a way to reconnect.
As he walked through the hall and into the dark kitchen, he realized that he wasn't even sure Bella was home. Things had been tense between them for a while, he was not even going to deny that; it seemed that everything she did wore on his nerves and vice versa. He also couldn't deny that it had been worse over the past month. She was changing before his very eyes and he didn't like it. Gone was the Bella who did everything he desired, gone the woman who would always have dinner on the table when he arrived home, gone the woman afraid of herself and most importantly to him, gone was the woman that he had spent the past three years trying to shape into the perfect corporate wife.
As he flicked the light switch, the large kitchen quickly illuminated, causing him to squint momentarily, he briefly caught the small white business card that was sitting on the marble countertop by her purse. Thinking that she had changed purses before leaving and scribbled a note to let him know where she had gone, he picked it up in his hands. What he hadn't expected was for it to be a card for a therapist. A Dr. Charlotte O'Neal, office located in Kensington, off High Street. He couldn't help but wonder if this Dr. O'Neal was the cause of the change in his wife.
"Oh! I didn't know you had come home." His jaw was clenched tightly when he heard her voice.
"Seems there's a lot we don't know about each other," he forced as he turned towards her and scowled, from the card that he had found or the fact that she was dressed in the ratty sweats that he had told her to get rid of, he wasn't sure.
Her eyes flickered to his hand and her eyes widened in surprised.
"When exactly where you planning on telling me that you were seeing a shrink?"
She backed up towards the wall as he stalked closer to her, his hand still holding her doctors number, the doctor that she and Rose had found, the doctor forcing her to reopen the old wounds that she had packed with cotton so many years ago to keep from bleeding and taking over her life.
"It's not a big deal," she whispered.
"Not a big deal? What the fuck Bella… What the hell is so fucking wrong with your perfect life that you need to see a therapist?"
"I just…"
"What?" he demanded. "I have given you everything… What else could you possibly want?"
"I just don't know who I am anymore."
"I know who you are and that's all that matters. You're my wife," he growled and tossed the card in the trash. "You don't need to see some fucking shrink."
She was biting her lower lip trying to find the words to tell him that she needed someone to talk to, someone to help her figure herself out, to figure out what she wanted in life, to figure out what she was doing with her life. Everything was so complicated, so difficult and so hard for her to understand that she didn't know what to do anymore. She hated herself desperately; she hated her decisions and the consequences of them for not only her, but also for the people in her life. But she knew she couldn't say that to him, so instead of fighting him about it she merely hung her head in shame.
"I'll cancel my appointment," she lied, thankful that she had become better at it. She would have to find a way to pay for it without Jacob finding out and somehow, she knew that Rose would help her.
"Yes, you will."
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He ran a hand through his hair as his free fingers tapped impatiently on the table. He hated going out in public now, there was no longer such a thing as privacy. He hadn't been anticipating this when he had signed the contract with Sony. The anxiety that he had developed since leaving Bella was made worse by the constant flickering of lights as he tried to live his life. The paparazzi, he concluded, were worse than the greatest heartache. Though he could hide his pain from his friends and family, he somehow believed that the magic in the camera would somehow show him for who he really was: a broken man hiding behind a mask.
"What's on your mind?" His head snapped up and he saw Jane had taken the seat across from him, her lips pulled into a sympathetic smile. "You look like you've had another rough night. Did you sleep at all?"
"Two full hours."
She frowned as she watched him, before she reached across the table to stroke the top of his hand with her fingertips. She had liked Edward Cullen the moment she had laid eyes on him in the Sony Music building. He was beautiful, even if she knew it was wrong to call a man by such an adjective, there were no other words. His jaw was perfectly chiseled, his hair so perfectly tousled, and his eyes, such a vivid color of green that she was certain even the beautiful countryside of the Lake District would have been jealous. However, there was more to him than that. She had heard his music and the tortured way that the words seemed to sound as they escaped his mouth. It was for that reason, the sound of the music, that she knew that he was deeply troubled. This was further emphasized by the look on his face mere moments after signing a multi million pound recording contract. He should have been ecstatic, but he looked more like a lost soul.
"Bad dreams again?" she pressed, leaning back in her chair, still stroking his hand softly while she watched him as he closed his eyes and nodded his head. "About her?"
"I don't want to talk about it really," he whimpered.
Of course she had been right. Bella had been haunting him since he had left her for his own sanity, though it seemed, at least in Jane's opinion, that he was far worse without her in his life than he was when she had been there. He hadn't told her much about the situation, merely that she was married and though she had told him that she would leave her husband, she continued to put it off, claiming she needed to make sure he was taken care of before they could be together. Jane couldn't help but think that the woman had been a bloody fool for even bothering to stick with her husband, especially when the other option was Edward, perfect, sweet, Edward, but, she knew that it was only one side of the story, and it was coming from the mouth of a man so passionately in love with her that he was doing everything he could to hate her in hopes that he would forget.
"She stopped calling…" he sighed and turned his hand over so that their palms were pressed against each other. "I don't even know why I'm so bothered by it…"
"Because even though you hurt, you still want to hear her voice."
"Isn't that the most fucked up thing you've ever heard?"
"I've heard worse."
He snorted and she watched as a small smile tugged on his lips. "Like what?"
"My sister's friend, Irina went absolutely psychotic after her boyfriend left her… And I mean crazy Edward. She bought this stupid voodoo doll and tried to curse him… She stalked him, and nearly burned down his flat when she watched him take another woman home. This was nearly eight months after they had broken up." She smiled at the memory and shook her head. "Last I checked, you haven't been practicing black magic, and you're too busy to stalk the woman… And I think you love her too much to even think about hurting her anyways so there goes the burning down her home idea."
He laughed for a moment and she smiled, glad to have brought some joy to his day. She had been making it her goal to find a way to make him smile or laugh even if it was just a few times each day. It wasn't much, but she knew that even if it was for only a moment that he would forget about the other woman and maybe one day, he might be able to love again and she wanted to be that woman. Still, even if that time never came, she still wanted to be there for him, to be his friend and she was pretty certain that he was appreciative of her presence.
"See. You're not that crazy!"
The frown was back and she felt her heart ache, he looked so wonderful when he smiled. "No. I guess I'm not. Though I have seriously thought about stalking her."
"Where would that get you?"
"Absolutely nowhere… But at least I would feel like I could breathe again."
"She might leave him still," she suggested against her better judgment.
"I'm still holding out hope," he sighed and looked at the woman across from him.
He knew that Jane had feelings for him and he felt guilty for running to her so often, especially knowing how she felt but he couldn't help it really. In the shit that had become his life, she seemed to offer a shoulder to cry on and he needed that. He hadn't been lying when he told Bella that Jane had been a sweet girl, she was, and he knew he was the world's biggest shit for using her the way he was but she had known all along that his heart wasn't up for the taking.
"I'm sorry Jane," he said softly and watched as she shook her head.
"For what? What could you possibly have to be sorry about?"
"For putting all my problems on you… You shouldn't have to deal with this."
"I want to Edward." She reached for his hand again but he pulled it away and placed it in his lap. "What's wrong?" Though her voice remained clam, he could see the hurt in her eyes. She was such an open book, something that was an entirely new concept to him. Bella had been so difficult to read, something that had both frustrated and excited him to no end. She had always kept him on his toes.
"I don't want you to think that this can ever be anything more than friendship… I don't want you to wait for me because there isn't anything to wait for."
She rolled her eyes at him. "You never know what the future is going to bring… I'm not giving up on you and if what you need now if a friend then I'll be there… If you want more later… I'll be there too. I know that right now things seem horrible… I get that. I've been there too Edward. I've had my own heart ripped out before… But going through that… It makes you love harder when you can love again. If that is me some day, great… If not… I'll be okay."
He found that his hand was in his hair again as she spoke. He knew that she was never going to budge but he was afraid that he was going to end up hurting her. No, he knew that he was going to end up hurting her because he knew that he could never love her, not in the way that she wanted him to. It wasn't in the cards for him and he knew it wasn't fair to give someone something that didn't exist. His heart wasn't there anymore, Bella had taken it and she would forever have it.
"I can't be more than just your friend Jane."
"That's enough," she replied, and she truly meant it. "Now… You want to tell me about those dreams?"
"I dreamed that she completely forgot about me," he stated while cringing as the memory of the dream came flooding back to him. "She was walking down Sloane Street when I saw her… She looked me directly in the eye and I said her name and she just kept walking. It was like I was a ghost... Invisible to her... I kept calling her name... Telling her it was me... But she never turned around and eventually disappeared."
"It was just a dream."
"But it felt so real," he replied. "Even though I left… Even though I know that this is the right thing… I can't bear the thought of her forgetting about me, forgetting about us."
"I don't think she will… I think we both know that she loves you… Your paths just crossed at the wrong time."
"Can they ever cross again at the right time?"
"Only time will tell," she smiled and reached across the table. This time, he let her hold his hand. "I think that you should take this time to figure out what you would need if she ever did come back… If you could ever trust her again… If you could truly be happy."
"I know I could. I would be happy forever if she came back to me."
"But could you ever trust her?"
"I don't know."
"What would you need from her?"
"I don't know," he said again, and he knew that Jane had a point. If she ever did come back to him, they would have a lot to figure out… And he knew that he would need a lot more from her this time around and it scared him that maybe she didn't know how to give him that. She had been so controlled by Jake that even though he knew she loved him, he wasn't sure she really knew what it mean to really be in love. He hadn't thought this much in a while and his thoughts were giving him a headache.
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She hated underground stations; even in the chill of winter, the heat that radiated from them was enough to make her nauseous. She could see the image of what she was going to walk down to: men in their neatly pressed suits, wiping the drops of sweat with their hands and women fanning themselves with their copies of The Times. She hated tube travel now, especially as her aversion to crowds had grown over the past few months. She hated the way the bright florescent lights seemed to beat down on her like a spotlight; though maybe it was just a manifestation of her own guilt. Still, it was the easiest way around the city and into the surrounding suburbs, and seeing as she had nothing else to do, nothing else to take her mind off the thousands of things that were currently running through it, she made her descent into the underbelly.
Her arms brushed against the other travelers and she pulled them closer to her body when a rather large man ran straight into her shoulder, nearly knocking her off balance. As she looked around, she knew that it would be best to wait for a while, to wait for traffic to die down a bit before getting on. She was already down in the station and though she could have gone back up and walked to a coffee shop just off the main street, she wasn't willing to put forth that much effort. Instead she looked around until her eyes fell upon a small news agent off to the side where there was a clearing of people.
Once she made her way over, her eyes scanned the covers of the magazines and as she was about to reach for her usual, she glanced over the new week's edition of Hello!. A small picture was there, but it was enough to send her heart fluttering and her hand reaching for it unconsciously. He was everywhere now it seemed and she was unable to outrun him. Never one to believe in things like ghosts, she now began to wonder if there was some kind of truth in those who say they had seen them. He was not dead, no… but he was dead in her life and now the haunting apparition of a life that now seemed so long ago, so out of reach, was torturing her and reminding her of everything she once had.
Still, even in the pain that seemed to fill her body at the reminder of him, she couldn't keep the small smile from tugging at her lips; she couldn't help but feel joy for him that his band was succeeding. Not that she hadn't expected them to; she had known all along that he would go the distance. It had always been him who never believed that the dream would come true. She was proud of him; she just wished she could have been there to celebrate it with him. It was unlikely, and it was a thought she knew she shouldn't even entertain. Still, the museum had sparked memories within her that still had her mind reeling and the fact that she was going to torture herself more was not lost on her. She knew better than to open it, but at the same time, she couldn't stop herself. Flipping hastily through it, she finally landed on the article.
There were a few pictures but her eyes fell on the one that was the largest, the one that made her heart twist and wrench so terribly she had to hold onto something for support. His hand was laced together with another and as she examined it closer, her eyes fell on the stunning woman with him. She was beautiful, no denying that and her eyes flickered to his face. He looked so… fragile, unhappy, lost… She had done this, she had caused this to happen and she knew that if she had only been able to give him what he wanted, then it could have been her there with him, and he could have been happy, he would have been happy. In this moment of his life, he should have been happy and she had taken that away from him. The epiphany hit her hard.
Her fingers touched his lips on the page and with her other hand, she reached into her purse and extracted her phone. When she found the number her finger hovered over the delete button. As she closed her eyes, ready to press it, to erase him from her life, she was witness to her own ghost yet again.
Please don't… She heard the voice call and she pressed her eyes even tighter, trying to block the tears. It was so vivid, so close that she almost had to look around her. She knew it was nothing, his voice often haunted her and she had been holding on so tight but she knew that she couldn't keep doing this.
Still the voice pressed on. One day it will be okay… Don't let go of me. She shook her head and opened her eyes, the tears escaping and making tracks down her cheeks, taking with them the black tar of her mascara.
She put the magazine down and as she walked away she pressed her finger down hard on the button. With that… he was gone. She was letting go and letting him move forward. She hoped that she could do the same.
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"Have you thought about what I said to you on Monday?" Charlotte asked her as they took their usual seats across from each other.
"I'm not sure I can do this."
"Why?"
"Because the last time I thought about it… It took me six months to recover," Bella said as she looked down at the floor, ashamed to admit that she had let depression get to her once and how terrified she was that it was getting to her again and that it would only get worse if she rehashed the past.
"Keeping the past inside is never going to allow you to heal."
"I know…" she said quietly.
"What happened that afternoon?"
Bella took a deep breath.
"Where are you going?" Jake looked up from the Mariners game and towards the door where Bella was standing, her purse slung over one arm and his car keys in the other.
"I was going to the store… I'm craving mint chocolate chip," she stated matter-of-factly before lowering her voice. "And I wanted to go see Angela for a bit. Ben Jr. is getting so big and I just wanted to spend some time around the baby to get used to it. She's coming soon and I'm still worried that I'm going to mess it all up."
Jake rolled his eyes. "It's raining Bella. You're not going out."
"You don't own me Jake."
"You're staying here Bella," he pressed and she clenched her jaw and watched as he turned his head back to the television.
She continued to stand there, starring at the back of his head before he spoke up again. "Hey babe? Can you get me a beer from the fridge?"
"Get it yourself," she snapped and stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind her.
Three hours later, once she had finally managed to calm down, she found herself three miles from their Queen Annes Hill apartment. The rain had only gotten worse and she was driving slowly, her windshield wipers working overtime to keep the large drops off and her view unobstructed. Still, when something seemed to dart across the street, she pressed hard on the brake and the car hydroplaned on the slick roads. Everything was a blur of rain and darkness mixed with the sounds of squealing brakes and her screams before everything went black.
Charlotte handed Bella a tissue and watched as the young woman wiped her eyes and blew her nose as she let the painful memory wash over her. Though she herself had never lost a child before, she had seen her sister in law though a similar experience when she was only twenty three. It was that experience which influenced her to work with women dealing the pain of losing a child.
"And how did Jacob handle the whole ordeal?"
"Those six months after… I don't remember much at all… I remember waking up at the hospital and him telling me that I had lost the child… I remember the doctor saying in the distance somewhere that he wasn't sure if I would have children again… And then… I don't know, everything just…" She closed her eyes as she searched for the words. "It's like, the world ceased to exist. Nothing else mattered anymore. I had failed in my duty to protect my unborn child… I killed her. If I hadn't gone out like Jake had said it never would have happened… I'd have my daughter."
"How can you be held responsible for an accident Bella?"
"Because he told me not to go out… The weather was terrible and I knew it. I never should have gotten in that car, it was stupid but I was angry with him and…"
"And?"
"And I just needed to get out for a bit… I'd been spending so much time at home and I wanted to see my friend and her baby… I wanted be on my own and not under his watch."
"His watch?"
"When he learned that I was pregnant he became so obsessed with making sure I was safe… He just wanted what was best for us."
Charlotte bit back her instinct to frown. She was surprised that even now, ten years after watching women struggle with their controlling husbands, that she still wanted to cringe when she listened to the justification of their behavior. "So you never answered my first question: how did Jacob handle it?"
"He was there for me… He stuck with me while I was catatonic. My dad had wanted to hospitalize me, which I didn't find out until later, but Jacob had insisted that I remain at home."
"Did Jacob ever consider letting you get counseling?" She watched as Bella's eyes widened and dropped to the ground again.
"Jake doesn't believe in therapy. He thought that because he was there… it would be enough. That I didn't need anything else but him."
"And what did you think?"
"I don't know… Anytime I thought about the accident I could feel myself closing off… I didn't want to go through it again… I didn't want to live it again in my mind while I was conscious. I always saw it when I dreamed."
"Did Jacob blame you for the accident?"
"No… Yes… I don't know." Charlotte could feel Bella closing off again and glanced at the clock for a moment. She knew that her session was almost over but she didn't want to end it but she knew that she had to, she had another patient directly after her. She could tell that though all the facts and evidence was there that her husband was controlling her life, that Bella had shut herself off from it as a way to protect herself. If she could only connect the dots, she would finally see how her husband's behavior had pushed Bella to believe that she was deserving of what had happened. She was so close and for the most part, Charlotte was surprised with how quickly Bella was beginning to open up… Though she assumed it had more to do with the fact that instead of coming once a week, Bella had been making appointments for three times a week.
"For Friday, I'd like you to think about Jacob's behavior towards you after the accident… The things you remember, not the things that you were told. I know it's difficult Bella, but you really are making progress."
Bella nodded and stood up, pausing at the door to turn and look at her doctor. "Thank you," she whispered.
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He stood in the recording studio and looked at the lyrics on the sheet in front of him. He wasn't sure why he had decided he wanted his song on the album. No, that was a lie; he knew exactly why he wanted this song on the album. Though he hadn't heard from Bella in two weeks, he didn't stop thinking about her, and he knew that somehow, she was still thinking about him. He also knew that when the album was released, and if they weren't together at that point in time, she would still pick it up and when she came across track 4, she would know that it was for her.
"Are you ready Edward?"
He nodded his head as the prerecorded melody began to play in his headphones.
Well, you're the closest thing I have
To bring up in a conversation
About love that didn't last
But I could never call you mine
'Cause I could never call myself yours
And if we were really meant to be
Well, then we justify destiny
It's not that our love died, just never really bloomed
No, I can't let go, no, I can't let go of you
You're holding me back without even trying to
I can't let go, I can't move on from the past
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back
And then we saw our paths diverge
And I guess I felt okay about it
Until you got with another man
And then I couldn't understand why it bothered me so
How we didn't die
We just never had a chance to grow
"Hey Ed."
He snapped his head up and looked towards the window at Jasper.
"Yeah?"
"I don't think this song is good for the album."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that every fucking song is about your heartbreak and I don't think we need to depress our fans."
He pulled the headphones off, the scowl on his face apparent to everyone as he slammed the door behind him and joined them.
"Do you have anything else to say?"
"I just think that you need to stop dwelling on it all."
"You know what… I'm fucking sick of this… I can't change how I'm feeling and I'm sorry that I'm not acting the way you want me to but this is how it is for me now." Everything that he had been holding in for the past month and a half was coming out with a vengeance. He had been silent about his feelings for far too long and he couldn't keep it in anymore.
"It's been a month and a half Ed."
"I don't care if it takes another year… I love her. I can't change that, you can't change that, no one can change that. You know…" his voice trailed off as Jasper searched his face.
"What?" He kept his voice level and calm. For the first time since the disaster, as Jasper had named it, Edward was letting him in.
"I'm happiest when I sing about her… I'm sick of pretending that I don't care… I'm so fucking sick of pretending to be who you all want me to be. I can't change that… Singing about her… It makes it real and I know that she'll hear it and she'll know that I still love her… That's all that matters to me."
Jasper's lips pulled into a smile. "That's really all I needed to know."
"What do you mean?"
"You stopped being honest with me a long time ago… I didn't know what you were thinking… You're with Jane one minute and the next you're singing songs about Bella…"
"Jane's just a friend," he interrupted but Jasper held his hand up to silence him again.
"I know… I get it. I understand. I'd feel the same way if it was Alice." He ran his hand through his mess of blonde curls. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Edward replied. And it was. Things had been tense between them, but it was only because Edward knew he wasn't being honest with his best friend, and even with himself for that matter. The less he allowed himself to think about it, the more it ate him up inside. Jane had been right. Talking was the only answer. It was the only way that he could find any kind of relief. The only way that he could prepare himself for whatever the future might bring.
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Okay… That's it for this chapter. Preview of chapter seventeen can be found on the twilighted forum for this story Sunday night/Monday morning… It depends on work really.