This chapter has a lot going on internally but bear with me. I have always wondered why Elliot does what he does day in and day out but is never truly happy. Anger and frustration are a big part of his character and I wanted to know why that is. This chapter tells a little about what I think is really going on.

The Road Not Taken

To say I may have hit rock bottom right now would be an understatement. Not when I feel a homeless guy waking me up in the middle of an alley near a bar I called home for a few hours last night.

"Hey, asshole, you don't belong here. This is my turf! Get your own dumpster! I'm so sick of these new punks thinking they can take whatever they want wherever they want." I felt another poke to my ribs before he started shouting, "Go on! Get! What the hell are you waiting for! You want me to start kicking you! 'Cuse I could do that buddy! I may be old but I still have it in me! Just wait and see!"

"Alright! I'm up. Where the hell am I anyway?"

"Your in my spot is where you are! Now get the hell out of here!"

I slowly began to stand up. Dizziness took over and pain filled my head. A hard, gut wrenching throb throughout my entire skull almost brought me to my knees. I stood for a second before my feet would allow me to walk. As I made my way to the street, I almost panicked. What if my wallet was gone? I hurried to check my back pocket and breathed a sigh of relief when I felt the bulge that should be there. I took it out, checked to see how much cash I had on me and got the shock of my life. My eyes about popped out of their sockets. Right before I dropped Dickey off, I know I went to the ATM and got at least two hundred out. Now I only have forty bucks? How much did I drink last night?

As I walked to get my car in Liv's parking structure, my mind wandered back to the events that occurred before my drinking games began. My father once told me that a road that is paved with good intentions leads straight to Hell. Well…that wouldn't be too far from the truth right about now. Not only did I kiss my partner and best friend while I am still very much married, I drank myself stupid and ended up sleeping in an alley after she kicked my ass out. My "good intention" was my excuse. I kissed her because I needed it but I tried to tell myself that so did she last night. We both needed release and boy was I wrong.

I looked at my watch after hopping in my car. I had exactly two hours before I had to punch in and my work day would begin. Perfect. I had plenty of time to get there, change, down at least three cups of coffee and take six Aspirin. No one would ever know. Maybe Olivia would be early enough so that I could apologize for taking things too far. Though she kissed me back and maybe even wanted it to happen, the timing was bad. I was still married, we were still partners and the job was all she had right now. Getting involved would be bad no matter how many ways we sliced it.

After getting to the precinct, I headed straight for the locker room, grabbed my clothes and headed in the direction of the showers. I tried so hard to remember what had happened after that last shot of tequila but my head was in too much pain to allow me to reminisce on mistakes I know I would soon regret later on. Instead, I allowed the water to wash away the filth on my body; my head would have to wait. I got out about twenty minutes later, dried off and got dressed. As I entered the locker room, that wonderful scent of vanilla filled my nostrils.

"You didn't answer your cell this morning. Where were you?"

"Sleeping."

I chucked my towel in my locker, hooked my gun and badge onto my belt and slammed the metal door shut. She was sitting right next to where I stood with her head pointed towards the floor and I couldn't help but feel guilty for hurting her the way that I had. I sat down next to her and sighed.

"I fucked things up bad didn't I?"

"You always do stupid shit when you go through something bad but yeah. You really fucked up last night El."

"I guess 'sorry' isn't enough huh?"

"I'm not sure 'sorry' is going to work this time. Not only did you insult me with words, you kissed me twice. What do you want me to do now? Forgive and forget that you totally screwed up our partnership and pissed all over your marriage vows last night? I just…I just want to know why. Why would you do something so stupid?"

I breathed in deep and let her question sink in. Why did I, for the first time in my life, do something for me? Was I at the end of my rope? Truth be told, I had no fucking clue what came over me. Normally I am a pretty good guy when it comes to controlling my sexual emotions around Olivia. Hell, I've been doing it for almost eleven years. But last night, she was all I had and she was what I wanted.

"I wish I could give you an answer but…"

"You can't. Look, I know that what happened with Dick, what you found out, was hard but…you can't throw away everything you worked so hard for, everything you love just because he made a terrible decision. No matter what you may think, you made choices in your life that were best for you. You didn't marry Kathy, have five children and became a detective because Richard would have approved. You did all of those things for you. Just…think things through before you act."

"Last night I may have done some things I regret, bad timing and all Liv, but I wouldn't take them back."

"Yes you would have Elliot. No way would you throw away a twenty-three year marriage and a ten year partnership if you were thinking clearly."

"That was part of my problem Liv. I was thinking clearly, maybe a little too clearly for my own good."

"That makes absolutely no sense."

I needed her to see me when I said this. No looking at the wall or the floor but right into my eyes. I gently placed my hand underneath her head and forced her to be in my line of sight.

"All my life I have done what everyone expected of me. My father expected me to follow in his footsteps and so I did. I got Kathy pregnant and so I did what the church and the adults in my life expected me to do and I took responsibility for my actions and married her, dreams and future plans aside. Year after year, day after day, I go to work, bring in the money my family expects me to make and then I go home. I'm tired of being numb, I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines and waiting for someone to take my hand and guide me back to the right path and most of all, I'm tired of not being able to think and feel for myself."

I could see the confusion in her face as she let the words I had spoken travel through her mind. She didn't understand what I was saying to her right now when most of the time she did. I wanted to make her understand but how? How could I explain that everyday was a frunt I was putting on to satisfy everyone. I pretty much told her that my actions, from the very first time she met me, were all a lie. Everything I did, everything I am is a lie.

"Look, I know that this doesn't make much sense but I can't make it any clearer. Let's just…move on and forget last night ever happened."

I stood up to go but was halted by her lack of movement. She just sat there without moving a muscle. It was one of those times when I wished I could read her mind. I wanted to know what she felt, what she thought, what she wanted to say.

"You pretty much told me that everything you do, everything that you have done in the past ten years that I have known you was for everyone else and you expect me to just forget it and move on?"

So she had understood. I turned to look at her and noticed that she had tears running down her face. What could I have said that could possibly be making her cry? Did she think my feelings for her were a lie to? In actuality, Liv and my friendship was the only good and true thing I have in my life, outside of the love and devotion I have for my children.

"Yeah, I do. No matter how I feel, no matter what I want, it doesn't matter. I have responsibilities to my kids and to the job to just stop fucking whining and suck it up. Last night was a crack in the mold. It won't happen again."

I saw her stand up and walk closer to me, her hands in her jeans and her eyes pointed at my face. I wish I could throw everything out and start fresh but I can't. I wanted to for her and for me but nothing could change the fact that my kids came first. I had to do the only thing I knew how to do for them.

"You can't live your life for other people Elliot. If you continue like you are, you will never be happy and you will always blame that unhappiness on other people instead of looking at the problem."

"That's easy for you to say. You don't have kids. Hell, you've never even been in a committed relationship long enough to know what sacrifice means. I wish I could wash away the black board and start with a clean slat but Liv…I can't. It's not that easy."

"Just because I have never been married or have had kids doesn't mean I don't know what sacrificing means. I have sacrificed BEING married and HAVING kids for this job. I do it because it's what I'm good at and because it makes me happy. At least I know that my sacrifices have made me happy. Could you stand there and say the same?"

"Sacrificing is not the issue Liv. Yes, you sacrifice for the job but you can walk away and move on to something different. I can't walk away from my kids, from my family."

"Could I? Being a cop is all I know how to be. Yes, you can't walk away from your kids El. That's not what I am talking about."

"Then what are you talking about?"

She breathed in deep and didn't even blink when she let slip what her real intention for the conversation was. "Being happy, no matter what path you decide to take. Choose the road less traveled El. Maybe then you can find some peace."

As she headed for the door my brain tried to process what the hell she was talking about. "The road less traveled? What the hell does that even mean?"

As she reached for the locker room door handle, she turned and smiled. "One of the benefits of having an English professor for a mother is being exposed to all types of literature, even poems. 'The Road Not Taken' is a poem by Robert Frost and what he meant by that is choosing decisions in life that not everyone has decided made him happy. He had no regrets in the end. That's what I mean for you. You are making decisions in your life based on what people expect of you because you are a man, a father and a husband. The world has molded you into what it wants. It's the road everyone takes. It's the road most traveled. Choose the road less traveled and you might be a little more happy."

She turned to walk away and I had to know something before we went to back to the job and pretended that nothing happened, at least until I figured out what road I should continue on.

"Are we okay? I just…I know that I fucked up last night and I still have a lot of thinking to do but…I need to know that we're okay."

She sighed and whispered, "Yeah. We're okay. Just keep clear of me when you have a mental breakdown. I don't want to be dragged into the flames when you set yourself on fire again."

She walked out of the locker room with a smile on her face. I laughed and breathed a sigh of relief. At least I was able to salvage this relationship. I wasn't so confident when it came to Kathy. When she told me she was pregnant with Eli, I did what I was supposed to do. Square one was virtually being worn out with our relationship. I went home, pretended that everything was okay and tried to ignore the growing resentment I had.

I resented the fact that I put myself in this position again. I gave in and gave Kathy what she wanted but I never stopped to think about what I wanted just like the first time around. I didn't want another twenty-three years to role around until I finally decided to tell her how I felt. I loved Kathy but I wasn't in love with her anymore. She and the kids deserved better and so did I.

Then and there, standing in the locker room of the precinct, I decided that I would take the first step down the road less traveled. I just hope I am taking the right steps in the direction of feeling. No more hollowness. The first step to moving on is to be honest. Kathy had to know the truth and I had to know what it felt like to finally do something for me for a change. I felt like a selfish asshole but…I couldn't continue like this anymore.

This one was a bit tough to write. There is so much Elliot is feeling and so much he wants to do but how to do it, not to mention what to do about it, is the challenge. I want him to discover what it's like to finally do what makes him happy instead of trying to appease everyone else. There will be some of Olivia helping him with this and some bad decisions along the way to discovery but…you'll see where he ends up with time. I hope you liked this chapter and please let me know what you thought.