I have been going through a lot of ups and downs when it comes to writing and for some reason this season hasn't really inspired me to write…until now. I realize it's been three months since my last update and for that I know I lost some readers. I hope the ones who have stuck by me enjoy this chapter, as short as it may be, and I promise to try and update more.

The title of this chapter only makes sense if you have the new Green Day album. It's what inspired me to write this chapter.

Peacemaker

When I sit back and think of all of the problems I have found myself in, it gives me a headache. I'm not one to cry over the past, to dwell on mistakes or to even consider talking about my issues, whatever they may be. After being rejected, I decided to try my hand at looking for other fish in the sea.

An old buddy of mine from the academy was visiting the city so I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to go out to a bar and throw caution to the wind. Maybe enough booze would help me get back in the game. It had been 3 months since Liv rejected me and I needed to finally have some fun.

As I put away my last file of the day, I could see Olivia side glancing me. I made it a chore to talk to her as little as possible when it came to my personal life. The only conversations we had were about work and the expression she had on her face was telling me she was going to go there now.

"What?"

"What, what?"

"You're giving me a look. What's up?"

"You just seem so…bouncy. What's the anticipation for? Kid's visiting?"

"No. I had them last weekend. This weekend is Kathy."

"Okay. Sorry. I don't have the schedule down yet."

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. The idea that she even needs to have it down irritates me. Lately, all I have wanted to do it act like a teenager and say what my son told me he did to his last girl friend, kick her to the curb.

"It' not your schedule to have down."

I could see the confusion shadow across her face. "Okay…I was just saying that you never really talk about them anymore and…"

"No, Olivia I just never really talk about them with you anymore."

She threw down her pin and that's when I knew the guns were coming out. I knew she was upset and that was my goal. I wanted her to be upset. Hell, I wanted her to feel anything other then happy. Call it selfish or childish but she hurt me and I wanted her to feel it to.

"How long is this going to go on?"

I didn't say anything. I just gave her the look I always give her when I'm irritated with her. She knows the look all too well. I shouldn't have to give her a date. If she knew me at all, she would already know the answer.

"Do you want me to transfer out? Because I can do that Elliot."

"Olivia, you have threatened to do that I don't know how many times throughout our partnership. Just once I would like you to actually follow through so I can be surprised."

She stood up without saying a word, pushed in her chair and walked around the desk. She got her coat from the rake and slowly began to walk to the elevators. Just as she was about to step inside she said, very softly, "Be careful, El. You might actually get what you wish for."

"Yeah, that would be a change."

After I heard her leave, I shut down my computer, grabbed my things and headed to the bar where Jerry was meeting me. Mulvane's was having a band and a two dollar all you call it night so to say I was going to drink a lot was an understatement.

I saw him standing at the bar with a drink already in his hand.

"Hey man! Haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Peachy. What about you?"

And that's when the sob stories began. Jerry and I talked about how shitty our lives became after the academy. Apparently, he had been married three times, had four kids and now he may have to transfer to a different department because of some screw up with a case.

"So, how long has it been since you've had any Stabler?"

"Jerry, I'm not wasted enough to talk about shit like that."

And so the beers continued to flow. I remembered flirting with any chick that came by my way. Funny thing was as the night carried on, the women got hotter and hotter.

The music played and the liquor flowed. Women were filling every crevice and still all I wanted next to me was the one person I was trying to drink away. It was like she was permanently implanted in my brain and no matter what I did, she was going to stay there.

Later on in the night, I remember rubbing up against some woman in tight jeans and some frilly top while Green Day was being played by the wannabe band on stage. I remember sticking my tongue down her throat and then getting more shots of some sweet drink. I don't, however, remember getting to my apartment.

I sat up slowly hoping the room would stop spinning. I realized I was still in my clothes and the coffee pot was going. After feeling an overwhelming sensation in my stomach, I ran to the bathroom and tried to release its contents. That's when I heard someone in the bathroom doorway.

"You need anything?"

Oh shit. Olivia. It was Olivia. That's just great. What a way to top off an already shitty night. I had to get smashed on a night when I was supposed to score with some random chick and the one woman I want out of my head just happened to be here in my apartment.

"I made some coffee and there are four Advil on your night stand with a glass of water. I'll be in the living room if you want anything."

After the room stopped spinning, I stood up and tried to walk to the kitchen. I grabbed a hold of the counter and looked at Olivia sitting on the couch reading a magazine.

"How long have I been out?"

"About four hours."

"What the hell happened?"

"Bill from the bar called me and told me that I better pick you up before your life invites more problems then necessary."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"He found you sucking face and feeling up a judge's wife. When I got there, you were passed out in a booth."

Great. That's the last time I go out with Jerry. Not only did he not help me out, he nearly got me thrown in jail. I need new friends.

"Sorry Liv. I was so wasted."

I saw her smile and it made me curious.

"What's so amusing?"

"You called me Liv. You haven't done that in a long time. It feels nice."

"Well, I am still drunk. Call it a slip of the tongue."

She shook her head and stood up. I pissed her off and that's not what I wanted to do, though lately I made it a chore. My little insults have been the norm the past few months and it slipped out from habit.

"I…damn it Liv. I'm sorry."

"I told Bill to no longer call me when you get shit faced. You obviously don't want me in your life so from now on he's going to call your ex. Let Kathy know she has to be on call before you go out."

She headed toward the door and was about to depart when I grabbed her by the arm to halt her. She slowly walked backward and faced me.

"What?"

"I'm sorry and I do want you in my life. That's the problem."

"You are making no sense."

"It's not that I don't want you in my life Liv. It's how. I love that you're my partner, though I haven't really shown it lately. I just…I really wish…I wish I could have you in my personal life as well, but not as a friend."

"I told you that I can't give you that."

"And now I'm telling you that I can't handle it. Seeing you at work only makes me think about how it could have been if you had just given me a chance. I…just wish I understood why."

"Knowing why won't change the fact that you and I could never be."

"But it might help me to move on. Just look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me."

"Loving you isn't the problem, Elliot."

"Well then what the Hell is? I'm not much for talking Liv. If you know me at all you know that. I didn't even do that with Kathy but with you…I'm willing to do that."

"I know that you love me and you think you want to be with me but…what if twenty, thirty years goes by and you look at me and say, 'what the Hell was I thinking?' What if you wake up tomorrow and find a message from Kathy asking you to try the relationship again?"

"I'd remind her about the expense of the divorce and all will be taking care of."

"This isn't a joke Elliot."

"And you aren't Kathy, Liv. I'm not going to wake up and regret ever making the decision I made with regard to Kathy and my relationship. It's over. Nothing is going to change that and you sure as Hell can't live your life filled with 'what if's because you are never going to be able to move forward if you did."

"Elliot…"

"Just do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Go home and think about the future. If you still see me leaving then I promise to move on and never look back."

"And if I see it working out?"

"Then allow me to have one month. If I don't convince you that I am not going anywhere and that it will work out then you have my permission to run as far and fast as you want."

"I have your permission?"

"Okay don't go all 'female power' on me now. My head is already spinning from standing upright for so damn long. So will you?"

"I will."

I could hear her laugh and it made me smile. I kissed her hand and watched her leave hoping that she will think about our conversation. My mother always told me not to play with fire because you might get burned but I never understood that saying. How would you ever know what the fire feels like unless you take a chance?

Please tell me how well or bad I did. I love feedback, no matter the circumstance. I hope you enjoyed it!