Why hello there. This chapter makes everything go a bit pear shaped.
Hope you like it.
Review x
Destiny
Chapter 17
I had the same dream again, only this time I understood it. The separate shades on Jacobs face: the two parts I hadn't noticed before but recognised now: I Jacob I knew and the Jacob I now know.
And Edward, in all his pain, bleeding on the floor was in fact me all along. For our years together had created bonds between us I had not been aware of before, bonds he had known about and bonds I had mindlessly been trying to cut through without even realising it. That made it worse in my opinion: to hurt him without even realising because were I to hurt him on purpose then he would be totally justified to hate me rather than hoping I would realise the pain I was inflicting and change. Some friend I was that I didn't even notice how I was hurting him.
As my senses started to reawaken I noticed the room was still black. Peeling back the covers I saw my alarm clock read 6:00. I was sure it would go off soon to wake me for my usual morning run but I was in no mood for running, or anything else for that matter. I re-set it or 8:00 and fell back into a dreamless sleep.
My alarm seemed louder than usual; maybe because I hadn't slept as deeply as usual, just floating between subconscious and reality. I swung out of bed groggily, my eyes trying to adjust to the bright sunlight seeping into the room. Another beautiful day.
I showered, careful not to get my bandages wet, and after getting dressed I trudged downstairs. I was in no mood for school but had no desire to mope about the house. Better to try and integrate myself back into normal routine than allow everything I thought and felt a week ago to dissolve and disappear altogether.
As I ate my breakfast in the kitchen my dad entered and did a double take. "You're not going to school, are you?" he asked, surprised.
"Yeah," I grumbled.
"Ahh, what enthusiasm." My dad teased.
I stuck my tongue out and continued eating my cereal.
"Is Edward not coming for you today?" dad asked ten minutes later. He hid his puzzlement well, under a very blasé expression because Edward always picked me up. Dad couldn't possibly know what had changed so much. He couldn't know what I'd done. It seemed strange that he didn't realise how the world stopped spinning, and then spun too fast. Out of control.
"Nah" I answered, attempting equal nonchalance. "I think he has to go in early to finish his woodwork project." Such a blatant lie: Edward was one of the best in the year at woodwork and I know for a fact he'd finished his project ages ago and was just messing around building random stuff for a while. Dad must have seen through me but he inquired no further and ended the conversation with an awkward "oh."
I sat in the front room after I brushed my teeth and looked at my watch: 8:45. He wasn't coming. I felt a sharp stab of betrayal just below my heart even though I had known he wouldn't be coming. I then realised he must have felt the same sense of pain every time I was with Jacob... which had been constantly in the last three months.
I groaned as I slung my bag over my shoulder. It was exactly a week ago since I'd fallen. That means it was three and a half days I was asleep in a drug induced coma, two and a half days awake in hospital and half of yesterday back at home. That would mean I had double maths today. That would mean I'd be sitting between Edward and Tanya. That would mean more stress and more pain.
I couldn't do it.
I had my finger poised at the doorbell but I couldn't bring myself to push the button that had been imprinted with my fingertips nearly every day for most of my life.
I wanted to see her, to talk to her, to breathe her in, hold her close and never let go. But I couldn't. She wouldn't let me now she knew why. She would feel even more tied to Jacob and so much less to me. I winced as I thought that through. We would be so distant now. What would double maths be like? I winced. Painful.
As I withdrew my finger and walked away from her house I asked myself the questions I had avoided up till now. Had I been right to tell her I loved her? Should I have just left it and been her friend forever more? I couldn't bring myself to think of just being her friend. It was the vilest prospect. It would never be enough for me. It didn't matter that she had a boyfriend now, it would never matter anymore. No one was going to stand in the way of what I wanted.
And all I had ever wanted was her. All I had ever really wanted was my Bella.
So I was going to fight. I wasn't sure quite what that really meant, but one way or another I would show her that she could love me too.
I would show her what love really meant, not the cheesy affection she'd been exposed to with Jacob, but real love. Real passion.
The love that was worth everything: the love that was worth fighting for, hoping for, waiting for. Not lying for. The love that was worth dying for.
Jacob, the only other person a part from Bella who made me feel this much purpose was going to experience what real love could drive a person to.
Just thinking about him made me so angry, so on fire, so much hate.
I truly hated him just as much as I truly loved Bella.
I was going to make him pay. I was going to make him suffer for lying to Bella and further jeopardising my chances with her. I felt a sick kind of joy pump through my veins as I considered how much I would make him pay.
I smiled as I passed through the school gates. A cold breeze tingled across my face as my eyes scanned the playground. "Where are you?" I whispered menacingly.
This was wrong. So so wrong. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop. I couldn't even tell myself that I should stop. I was only doing this to feel something. I was only kissing him to know what it felt like. I was using him just as Edward had tried to use me. I was using him just like he was using me.
I had heard about boys on the rebound, heard about what lengths some of them would go to to show their ex what they were missing. I thought about that and shuddered. But I didn't stop kissing him. I now knew what it felt like to be wanted, not quite in the way I had fantasised about but I was feeling something and I was grateful to him for giving me that much.
I also felt good to know I was hurting Bella in a way she had been hurting me. Yes, Jacob was using me to get back at her, but I was using him for that same reason, and to piss Edward off.
It was so wrong but the satisfaction I felt made me kiss him deeper and longer. I was starting to actually enjoy myself. I was actually starting to stop feeling used and start feeling wanted.
I used that feeling to smother the voice in the back of my head that kept telling me what I was doing was so wrong. Once I had silenced it my guilt leaked away and the sweet taste of vengeance spilled into my mouth. I pulled Jacob closed, knotted my fingers in his hair and moulded my body against his.
But then we were interrupted by a roaring voice I knew so well.
"You bastard! You bitch!"
We stopped kissing and I peered over Jacobs shoulder as he froze. "Hello Edward," I said, giving him a smile.
What an unexpected twist: Tany and Jacob. What awful people.
Tell me what you think with some wonderful reviews :)
Ruth out x