New Year's Eve came.

It was the following week after the incident in Kyoto when Kagome heard the sound of the joyanokane bell ringing at the temple nearby. During the one-hundred and eight rings of the majestic bell, Kagome paused in her work, pencil hovering over the page. It was the beginning of an entirely new year, which warranted a moment of consideration. It was the beginning of the first year that Kagome would find herself not back there. It was the beginning of the first year without InuYasha by her side. The pencil shook above meaningless characters and equations as this realization became concrete in her mind. She was entirely alone. She had to accept it.

Outside, it was snowing.

"Kagome," her mother called from the hallway. Kagome did not answer, willing her fingers to stop trembling. The purple mechanical pencil stilled by the time her mom reached the upstairs landing. She had a tray of tea and cookies. Kagome hoped that she looked somewhat composed. "Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year," Kagome said, trying to keep the hollowness from her voice. The bitterness tasted sharp and poignant on her tongue as she attempted to smile. It was hard to fake, to force that happiness, that carefree emotion. Before, it had been something she had done without thought. Now, it was something that required every ounce of her effort and concentration.

She thought longingly of that era that smelled of unpolluted air and fresh springs.

"I brought you some cookies," Mrs. Higurashi said, placing them by her elbow.

"Thanks," Kagome replied, looking back towards her book. The bell was on its seventy-second ring as the snow settled itself thickly on the bare branches of the Goshinboku outside her window. It was dead in appearance: without leaves. In that time, was it standing stagnant too? That place where InuYasha had slept for fifty years…was it as lonely as she was?

"You should really put those books down. Come and take a break," her mother said gently.

"I will in a minute, Mom," Kagome answered, scribbling nonsense onto the page that looked similar to what was in her textbook. "Just let me figure these last few out." She continued to write until she heard her footsteps turn and move towards the door, out into the hallway, down the stairs. The bell had reached its one-hundred and third ring, or was it the one-hundred and fourth? Kagome had lost count. The snow was coming down harder and harder, until the shrine's roofs were covered in white. After one-hundred and eight rings, there was silence that seemed to hush the world. Kagome imagined in her mind's eye that cars had stopped all around Japan, the trains had halted on the tracks, and that every person in the world had taken a moment to be still.

It was a passing, fleeting thought, Kagome knew, thought bitterly, as she closed her books. She could hear the movement of the world around her, in the house. There was no stopping for them. She stacked the books neatly atop one another, placing her pencil perfectly along the groove of one of the spines. The tea and cookies beside her smelled wonderful, but her eyes soon turned to the snow falling beyond the windowpane, ignoring her mother's gifts of good tidings for the holiday. Instead, she remembered those winters in the Sengoku Jidai and had to rub at her eyes, looking aside. Her gaze landed upon the blue scarf draped over the back of her chair. Touching it, she let the soft fibers run through her fingers like silken water, stare returning to the outside world beyond her room.

Somewhere, was Inuyasha looking up at the same night sky on the first night of the New Year? She pushed that thought away and pondered it no more.

InuYasha, I…Kagome gripped the scarf in her hands, clenching them into fists around the delicate fabric. She could still remember the smell of the mountain air and the trees, the distinct scent of InuYasha that she would never experience again in such an age. There was only gasoline and exhaust fumes now; the smell of make up and perfumes among the fast food and synthetic products. There was no stillness, no quiet, in a world where traffic buzzed continuously beneath neon lights and trains roared down steel tracks into the night. There was no purity, happiness. Where had it gone? Had it died that day with…

InuYasha...I don't…want to live without you anymore.

Outside, the snow continued to fall.

pqpq

The following few days were filled with activity. Kagome lost herself in it: helping out at the shrine during their busiest season. She wore her Shinto robes and tied her hair back, selling souvenirs to the tourists and worshippers that came to the Sunset Shrine to pay their respects. A Sunday passed and then another. School was approaching again. She buried herself in the cold and the snow to numb herself emotionally, not wanting to imagine a long-haired boy who looked so much like him standing before the map in the train station.

Was he waiting for her every Sunday?

No, she thought to herself, as she packed away the last few boxes for the night. She knew that he probably hadn't waited for her. Maybe he didn't even miss her company at all. So delicate are these things we…hold dear…Kagome mused, treading through the ankle high snow towards the house, forbidding herself to think of Inuyasha any longer. He was no longer her concern. Kagome told herself that she would never ride the trains again. In a city of so many millions of people, it was likely she would never see him again. A part of her was fine with this. Another part ached with loss. But overall, she knew that she could not go back to him. He had been filling that place that InuYasha had left behind. Just because of their similarities, his physical appearance, his smile, Kagome knew that he could never fill that gap, that void, that InuYasha had left. She didn't want to go back to him because she would try. Kagome knew she would try to fix herself, using him as the gauze to clot the wound. But in the end, what was he really? Wasn't it better to sever it before anything else could go wrong? She thought of Kyoto and her expression darkened. It was better to stop it before it began, any feelings she experienced for him.

If she was hurt again, Kagome didn't think she'd be able to heal.

"Thank you for all your help, Kagome," her mother said. She was standing in the doorway in her house slippers, waiting for her arrival. In her hands, she held an envelope.

"It was nothing, Mom. Don't worry about it," Kagome answered, stepping onto the porch. As she was tapping the snow from her sandals, the envelope was handed to her. It was from the convenience store down the block: bright red and yellow with the characters for One Hour Photo printed on the flap. "What's this?"

"I…well, you never unpacked," Mrs. Higurashi said. Kagome looked at the gaudy logo with a determined expression. She didn't want to cry thinking about the day she had hoisted herself over the edge of the well one last time. It had been the hardest climb of her life, even with the ladder that had been conveniently placed there for her over the years of traveling back and forth. She recalled sitting at the bottom for the longest time, crying, with InuYasha's blood still upon her uniform. Ever since returning, she hadn't had the courage to unpack her bag.

There was too much finality to it.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't just leave it in the living room like it was...when I unpacked, I found a disposable camera inside," she continued, indicating the envelope held loosely in Kagome's numb hands. "I…thought you might like to have them." She stood there for a moment, unable to look at her mother. Without meeting her eyes, Kagome knew that she was smiling sadly. "Dinner is ready whenever you are. Take your time." The door slid shut, leaving Kagome in the winter evening beneath a flickering floodlight. Her fingers trembled upon the flap before pulling it back. The adhesive gave way and flipped open. A bundle of pictures stared back at her.

What's this contraption? InuYasha asks, staring at the small, yellow device in Kagome's hands. It is sunset atop the hill. Smoke rises in the distance from Kaede's village. Peaceful wind stirs the flooded paddies, but not too much to disturb the plants. The sky is pink and gold.

It's a camera, she answers, holding it up before her eye to focus InuYasha's face inside it. Behind him, autumn colors only seem to highlight the beautiful color of his eyes.

A camera? He asks, as she presses down on the button. The shutter snaps closed and opens again. InuYasha blinks, looking confused, a little angry, but with a touch of curiousness. He leans closer to look at it as Kagome winds it up again, even going so far as to sniff it to make sure that it was not harmful. Kagome laughs, but he doesn't seem to appreciate it. What is it, Kagome?

It's a…well, it's a machine that captures memories, Kagome explains to the best of her ability. His head cocks to the side in question.

Memories? InuYasha asks, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at it. She smiles and gives his ear a playful, loving tug. It twitches beneath her fingers as Kagome moves closer to show InuYasha the hand-held device.

Yes. It can take any memory and keep it forever, Kagome says. She feels InuYasha's hands over hers. Gentle, though calloused and clawed, always gentle and warm despite the damage done to others. He is always tender with Kagome so she never flinches from him. She maneuvers his fingers beneath hers to show him how to operate the camera.

Forever? InuYasha asks, his voice quiet against her ear, stirring her hair.

Forever, Kagome answers, turning the camera towards them.

Let's keep this one, then.

I'd like that.

Kagome dropped the envelope onto the ground. The pictures fell and scattered onto the wooden beams of the porch. InuYasha's face stared back at her; in addition, the faces of Miroku, Sango, Shippou…all were there, held in a moment of time and space where they were happy. The snapshots of their life, all spread out before her in the present, from the past where they were lying buried beneath the dirt and snow.

Does anyone bring them flowers? Kagome wondered, kneeling down to collect the photographs. She arranged them so that they were all facing the same direction and then she sat down to look through them slowly. Her breath rose before her, feet freezing and hands burning from the cold, but Kagome did not go inside. She could not move from her position, unable to remove her eyes from those pictures. Some made her chuckle, others made her cry. It was wonderful to see their faces again, to imagine their laughter ringing in her ears. It filled her with warmth as much as it filled her with a cold, desperate yearning.

Those days, those days, Kagome thought, are gone. The pictures fell from her hands, like cards from a deck that had been dropped carelessly from a great height. Sango and Miroku fluttered away close to the door. Shippou and Kirara landed beside her foot. The ones that were upside down comforted her. She could not see them so she could not feel…

Empty.

The bottom half of the stack had made a fan of itself in her lap, cascading over the pleats and folds in her pants. They were the most difficult to look at, but she couldn't help herself. Her hands instinctually reached for them, curling around the sharp edges until they cut her fingers. She bled onto the corners, but didn't notice. She could only look at the happiness held there, in those moments of time she could never be a part of again:

Kagome and InuYasha together, on that hilltop at sunset.

Kagome and InuYasha together, draped beneath his haori.

Kagome and InuYasha together, with his arms around her.

Kagome and InuYasha together, with his lips pressed against her temple affectionately.

Kagome and InuYasha together, over and over and over again.

You're…not coming back…The photo was yellow and distorted in the light above her head, blurred sideways and slanted through her tears. She blinked and pushed herself upright. Pictures fell randomly, messily at her feet, but Kagome did not notice. She had one particular memory against her chest, where her heart ached in a physical, chest-wrenching pain. Her legs moved of their own accord, trudging through the snow on bare feet towards the Goshinboku. It looked dead in the darkness, but so peaceful covered in white.

"InuYasha…" Kagome whispered, falling to her knees before the great tree. She pressed the picture against her chest, as if wishing she could physically transport herself inside of it, back on that cool evening at twilight, where she and InuYasha had smiled so…easily. "InuYasha…where are you?" Tears poured, unrestrained from her eyes, hair falling from its tie at the nape of her neck. She felt all her composure slipping away, like InuYasha's life from her hands. And she could only cry, leaning forward until her forehead was pressed against the icy ground. "Why…why, InuYasha…why…did you…why…"

Wasn't it only yesterday that they had first met? When a fifteen year old Kagome had fallen through the well and awoken InuYasha from that slumber? Wasn't it just the other day that they had met the others, their friends, and traveled with them in that feudal era in the past, their present, always moving forward towards that one, glimmering horizon of hope: a world of freedom, without Naraku; without evil? What happened to those days that she had taken for granted…? Where was she now?

Eighteen and lost.

"I never…I never got to say it…I'm…I'm sorry, InuYasha!" she cried, gripping at her hair. The photo lay abandoned on the ground beside her, crimson edges curled slightly. His eyes were lit up in the sunset, warmly looking back at her. It captures memories. It does. It keeps them forever.

"I love you."

Even said aloud, the world did not stop. It continued to snow. Down the hundreds of stairs, Kagome could hear cars passing. Somewhere in the city of millions of people, a boy with those eyes was living his life as well. She, Kagome, was the only one who could not move on. She had made the mistake of not saying it aloud and that would forever hold her back. She would never be able to escape from stagnant time, prisoner to those three words he would never hear...

"InuYasha…where are you…? ...are you here, InuYasha…?" she asked, putting her bleeding, frozen hands together in prayer. Months of receiving no reply had left her knowing that there would be no answer. But still, on the night where she realized her dreams were long gone and where the Goshinboku looked so dead in a city that teemed with energy: the life she could not lead, Kagome had to cry out for him. "Please...p-please, InuYasha! Are you here?!"

I'm here, Kagome.

"Inu...Yasha…?" Kagome asked, eyes swollen from crying, her body aching with the fatigue of exhausted yearning. She could not lift her head to see if there was someone there or not. Imagination or reality, she didn't care. There had been an answer. InuYasha had finally said I'm here like she had been so desperately waiting for.

She had finally received her answer.

You're going to get sick if you stay out here all night like that, stupid, he said fondly. Was he tangible? She could only wonder, telling herself that beyond the cars in the distance and the wind blowing serenely through the trees, she could hear footsteps crunch in the snow.

"InuYasha…I'm sorry…InuYasha, I didn't…I-I can't…" she said in reply, unable to help herself. Once again, real or not, she had to say it. She had to tell him what she could not before. It seemed so real that she did not stop herself. After all, his voice was so clear in her head that it was almost beside her. It gave her more comfort than she could ever know.

Kagome, don't cry, he said.

"I…I can't help it…InuYasha…I-I miss you…I miss you so much…" Kagome wept. She did not want it to be a dream. And despite the cold and the misery she felt, it was the first time she experienced hope. InuYasha was there. She wanted it to last a little longer.

You're helpless, he said, a chuckle in his voice. Something warm fell over her shoulders. It smelled fresh, like herbs and tea and a warm fire on a moonlit evening.

"I know…I…I know I am. I can't…I can't live like this anymore, InuYasha! I can't live without you anymore!" Kagome cried. He had died for her and yet, his sacrifice held no meaning. She would have rather to have died that day beside him instead of living without him by her side. "I love you! I can't…be separated from you…it feels like…it feels like I-I'm dying!" A warm weight rested against her back, reminding her of the times when InuYasha would fall asleep against her: that pleasant feeling of another person beside her made her tears continue to flow, unstoppable, even if she tried. It was just a reminder of everything that she had lost.

Kagome…I'm sorry…

"Stop it! Don't…don't say that!" she cried, shaking her head.

Then stop crying. You know I hate seeing you cry.

"How am I supposed to stop? How can I n-not cry when the person I-I love is gone?! H-How can I stop crying when you're not here, InuYasha?!" The night went quiet. It seemed as if the cars had stopped, the world had taken a moment for silence. Snow settled and became tranquil, still. The picture on the ground next to her was covered in a thin film of snowflakes: frozen smiles beneath translucent crystals. Her hands clenched into fists at the unfairness of everything. Even if...even if the world were to stop for just a moment and to acknowledge how she felt--what she had lost--they still would not understand. They would always have their lives and their destinies to look forward to. They would always have their matches and their pairs: their lovers, the ones they were meant to be with. And even if they took that moment of silence, of stopping and sympathizing, they would eventually leave her behind again. Because she could not move on without InuYasha. She could not survive in a world of pairs when she was alone. "InuYasha...how…how am I…can I…how can I live when you're not here?!"

"But I am here, Kagome."

He sounded so clear, so present beside her that her heart skipped a beat. Was it not a dream? Was InuYasha truly there with her? With what felt like the last bit of her strength, Kagome pushed herself up, the warmth away. Agitated, the snow rose up in a cloud of dust, her breath manifesting itself in a vapor before her. And beyond it, hazily, her eyes found the most beautiful shade of amber she had ever seen.

"Inu…Yasha…?" she murmured, shakily raising one of her hands to touch his cheek. He was warm. She was touching him. She could feel the muscles beneath her hand form a small smile that brought her to tears. "…are you….are you really here…?"

"Kagome, I've been here all along."

pqpq

Word Count: 2,692