Okay, this is the last of the 'mourning' chapters so to speak. I felt it needed this one to finally set the past to rest and provide a platform for the next ones. Hopefully though, in contrast to the past two, more promising glimmers of a brighter future appear =D
Sony Ninja: Yep, I'm glad the 'fluffs' working even though it is a little sparse atm.
setchan-1995: Thanks =) - it does get less sad, I promise! ;)
ShadowCub: No! I couldn't kill off the entire class! (Well I could but...). I was tempted to say wait and see but there's already been plenty of helpings of angst in this story without anymore so I can confirm there's no need to be alarmed; the others all survived.
darkangel2391:They definitely do deserve it! I'm super pleased that you're able to relate to what they're feeling :) I tend to be better at coming up with plots and landscapes etc. than characters so to have been able to make them convincing/relatable is very pleasing.
Chapter 3: The Cold Thaws
A week passed. The time slipped away like shards of glass tinkling through a timer; each second painful and empty for Asuna and lifeless and grey for Setsuna.
Setsuna actually fared the better of the pair. She at least had the purpose of ensuring their survival to keep her occupied: Fighting off foes, getting food and taking care of Asuna who developed a fever towards the end of the week; most un-Asuna like. At times the memory of Konoka threatened Setsuna's raw heart and brought her close to tears but she battled on because she had to; because it was what Konoka had told her to do.
I wish I could stop storing the pain inside...it feels wrong that I can't even properly cry for her...but I have to protect Asuna; I can't afford to mourn.
The only bright sparks in her days were those spent with Asuna. Although painful to see Asuna ill and listless Setsuna still felt gratified by Asuna's smiles and occasional bouts of cheerfulness as she tended, treated and cared for Asuna. She clung to those sparks as though her life depended on it; her mind subconsciously linking these fragments of warmth to those of being with Konoka in the past and hopefully to the future…with Asuna. A rustling sound ahead and to the right made her wandering mind ditch such thoughts for more predatory instincts. She shot off to hunt down their evening meal.
Asuna had just finished gathering wood from beneath the towering, lush trees surrounding the hollow where they'd set up camp. Hunching down next to the pile of twigs and fragile branches she stared intensely at them and then through them; her hair no longer tied but hanging wild and untamed about her shoulders and the residue of fever faint but present on her tired, flushed face.
God, I'm so helpless at the moment! All I've done since learning about Negi's death is mope, cry and burden Setsuna. It's not like me at all! But its so hard to cope with losing Negi and Konoka and the strength I'd acquired...not being able to fight and protect as well as I could before. I hate being so helpless! Setsuna seems to be so together too, she hasn't shed a tear...
Memories of the last few days flashed through her mind: Setsuna returning with food, being carried by her as we travelled when the fever was too much, being held in her arms as I grieved Negi's loss...I can see why Konoka loved her so much. She's so strong, dependable and kind. What can I do for her though? I can't even see if she's still hurting and she's even stronger than before thanks to Konoka's magic. Besides which, how can I make any difference now anyway? I'm slipping back into the easygoing, childlike Asuna of old; before Negi came and gave me a new purpose and opened up a new world...In her mind she suddenly saw Negi's form standing at the top of a nostalgic stairwell as bright sunlight streamed past him. It brought a lump to her throat but the words she heard him speak had a greater effect; piercing her heart just as they had so very long ago.
'True magic is courage of the heart'
Tears filled her eyes as she whispered instinctively the same reply she had given back then, "okay then, I'll try and be more courageous."
That's right...So much for me lecturing Setsuna about running away from things! All I've done is wallow in self pity at my weakness and loss. Whether or not I can see Setsuna's pain isn't important; at the very least I have to ease the burden on her and be courageous. I can't change the past but I can work to build a better future...for Setsuna and myself...and our class, if they all survived... please may they have survived at least!
"Asuna, are you okay?" Setsuna asked in concern. Looking up she saw Setsuna standing a few metres away and holding a couple of large, wild, white feathered, red crested birds in her left hand and breathing heavily; despite leaving mini-Setsuna to watch over Asuna, Setsuna didn't like to leave Asuna alone for too long in her current state.
Asuna looked up into her friend's worried eyes and felt peace flow into her; mingling with the new strength Negi's words had inspired. Wiping the tears from her eyes she gave Setsuna the first genuinely bright smile she had managed for a week.
"Yeah," she said. "I'm sorry I've been such a wuss these past few days Setsuna; after lecturing you on courage too. But I'm okay now!" She jumped up to help Setsuna but her head throbbed in protest at the sudden movement causing her to clasp it and mutter,
"Ow!" Seconds later she felt Setsuna's arms wrapping round her and easing her to the ground.
"Baka! Don't overexert yourself," Setsuna whispered before adding happily, "but I'm glad you're feeling better."
"Mmm," Asuna replied; all the emotions, thoughts and the fever had completely drained her so that she found herself floating in a sea of tiredness...and Setsuna's arms were so comfortable. She did however manage to whisper before drifting off, "thanks for looking after me Setsuna." Still I wish I could be of some help in return Setsuna, like Konoka always was to you...
When she awoke she found herself wrapped in Setsuna's jacket with her head resting on a soft moss cushion Setsuna had made a few days ago. Overhead a plateau of stars flooded the sky with distant, ancient light. Despite the jacket, the air was still crisp and cold. She shivered, aware her skin was a sea of goose-bumps. A faint noise made her glance up and left to be rewarded with a trace of white disappearing among the trees towards the cliff edge. Glancing right she saw Setsuna's bed lay empty.
For the last couple of days they had climbed steadily uphill; Setsuna refusing to deviate from heading northwards. Earlier that morning Setsuna had returned from scouting to say they had reached the top of a huge ledge that looked out over a wide plateau with some possible habitation. Tomorrow they were to descend; Asuna in Setsuna's grip whilst Setsuna glided down using her wings. She wasn't looking forward to it. Still, she did want to see just how deep the drop was and what Setsuna was up to, so Asuna roused herself and began following after her.
Asuna's fever had almost gone and the running soon took away the coldness from her bones. Odd noises in the jungle startled her but soon she took to ignoring them and pushed on regardless. Then, ahead, she saw the trees grow sparser. Beyond the trees a ridge of grass rose up to meet with blackened sky. Slowing she crept forwards. She had no idea if this was where Setsuna had come but she felt it was likely...and was just a little afraid why. Reaching the last few trees she stared up the slope of grass and gasped in wonder and concern.
Setsuna sat at the very edge of the ridge; her head flung back to stare at the sky above. Her skin, polished by the pale light of Phobos, was in perfect contrast to her jet black hair and the dark sky beyond. She's like a jewel, a perfect work of art...timeless and precious...and fragile? The spark of worry leaping about inside her made her stomach twist a little. She wouldn't...but she's been keeping herself so bottled up lately. She must still be hurting...
Resolved she stepped out from behind the tree and started walking up the slope. She only made it two paces before Setsuna stiffened and straightened.
"So you followed me here, Asuna." Setsuna wasn't asking; her voice lifeless and tired. Seconds later Asuna plopped herself down next to Setsuna. Looking out from the ridge it was too dark to see the ground below but parts of the jungle were aglow with spots of blue and green light dancing within the vast black cauldron; entrancing to watch. Asuna only let it distract her for a second. Then her hand searched out Setsuna's and grasped it; as much for the security that she could now stop Setsuna falling as anything else. Before Setsuna, whose face now had some very visible colour, could protest Asuna said,
"Baka yourself! I was worried. You weren't thinking of...?" Setsuna's eyes widened and Asuna relaxed. Setsuna shook her head.
"No. I already told you, I can't. I promised Konoka. But..." her words seem to dry up but Asuna wasn't the sort to let things drop. She always needs encouraging to speak her mind. At least that's what Konoka always told me...
"But...?" She prompted kindly. Setsuna sighed; to Asuna the noise sounded like every sorrowful thought the world had known had been tied up and bundled into a single breath.
"B...But I can't mourn her. I can't even shed a tear. As soon as I...I'll just fall apart and I have to protect yo...everyone and crying won't help...but then it feels like I'm killing her and her memory." Her hands were clenching and unclenching the grass and scraping the rocky surface. Tension and sorrow made her body buckle and strain as they sought to break free from the barriers of her mind. "I don't know how long I can keep this up. To cope and live but without her being with me..."
"Setsuna..."Asuna breathed with deep concern. She really has been hurting so much, whilst all this time I've been absorbed in my own self pity! I've been such a jerk! "Come with me." She led Setsuna down away from the edge of the ledge, which was starting to make her feel uneasy, to sit near the edge of the jungle. Setsuna sat down beside her in the long damp grass. Then Asuna wrapped Setsuna up in her arms and drew her into a hug; Asuna's right hand moving softly through Setsuna's hair as she whispered into Setsuna's ear.
"Tonight you can cry for her because I'm here. Let your entire grief spill out, let it go." Tears had already begun flowing from Setsuna's eyes as Asuna continued, "you have to mourn for her properly Setsuna. Only then can you allow all the good of Konoka's life to drive you forward to be the person she wanted you to be...and until then I'm here for you."
Such was the assurance and kindness of Asuna's words that Setsuna felt her body dissolve instantly into a haze of salty tears. The air shook and rent that night with her sobs and howls until, as the sky began to lighten in the West, they died away to whimpers and then the whimpers to a deep and peaceful sleep. Setsuna's tear stained face rested in Asuna's lap as Asuna continued to run her fingers time and time again through Setsuna's beautiful black hair; shimmering in the sunrise light.