Title: Owls and Larks
Author: BlueLunacy7
Chapter Warnings: Sexuality (Nothing too bad I think)
Pairings: Bee/Sam
Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers, the any quotes or lyrics, or song titles in anyway, shape, or form. Basically, nothing you recognize is mine.
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Chapter 7: Very Funny God
Parents are never as bad as kids think they are. -Dr. Cameron, House M.D., Cursed,
Sam had learned quite a few things tonight.
He learned that earth was the new battle ground for an intergalactic war between two fractions of a highly advanced species. He learned that he had been hunted for his ancestor's glasses that had the map to an artifact that would destroy the world if it fell into the wrong hands. He learned that Bee had shared what was in essence video of them in flagrante delicto with all his friends and the one called Ratchet wanted a live demonstration.
While frightening, upsetting and embarrassing in turn, those couldn't truly account for his dark mood. No, what was bothering him as he pretended to drive to his home, what the fact that his emotions might have been used against him, that the soul purpose of his and Bee's relationship, if you could call it that, was to get the glasses.
Even if it turned out like had he was expecting, that Bee had started the relationship out of curiosity would be fine. Okay, not fine exactly, but he could understand and work past it. God knows, all of his past relationships began with someone being curious about him, given his half-breed status.
Dragons were well known for their high sex-drive, something Sam had in abundance thanks to his strange biology. Draconic half breeds were rare, which attracted most of his partners to him in the first place.
But being used simply to get the glasses wasn't something Sam could forgive. His dark thoughts were broken off when Mikaela asked, "Soo…you're a dragon?"
"Half-dragon." Sam corrected. "My dad's human but my mom's a full blooded dragon."
"How did that happen?" Mikaela asked in curiosity.
Happy to have something to take his mind off the dark thoughts in his head, Sam explained, "My mother met my dad at concert. They started dating for a few years before moving in together and then they got married."
"Is that why you weren't you afraid of them?" She asked, gesturing to Bee dashboard, "Because you're part dragon?"
'It's because I trusted Bee.' Sam thought but answered instead with, "That's one reason. I've seen some weird things, not like these guys but still strange. I work for PARA, um, the Paranormal Activity Research Alliance." Sam explained as he pulled into the alleyway behind his house. "Well, to borrow a line from a movie: There are things that go bump in the night and we are the ones who bump back."
"Sounds interesting."
"It is, to a point." Sam said as he climbed out of Bee "Okay, you guys stay here. This shouldn't take long." As he walk to the back fence, there was loud snorting noise, like someone was going to hock a -"Mojo don't!"
"Hugghh!" Ironhide growled in disgust as something large, green and slimy spattered on his hood, "What the slag was that?"
"Mojo," Sam scolded, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance, "What did I tell you about spitting on cars?"
"Not to on your car if I valued my life or my balls. Judy told me about the camaro." Mojo drawled as he slinked out of the dark on the fence, "Why do you have so many cars following you?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"What is that?" Mikaela asked staring at Mojo.
"A pain in the ass." Sam muttered before answering, "This is Mojo, he's a gargoyle. He keeps out the pixies that eat mom's flowers." Turning back to Mojo, "I thought you were visiting family?"
"I was." Mojo eyed Mikaela, "She's pretty, for a human. You fucking her?"
"No, unlike you, I'm capable of being around a female without trying to hump her." Sam retorted," Since you're here, could you go into my room and get my bookbag?"
"Nope. Unlike you, I'm going to get some tonight." Mojo replied take off down the fence quickly.
"And you wonder why you got evicted from your old place, Clay brain!" Sam called after him, before turning back to Mikaela, "Okay you stay here with them. Oh here," he handed her a bandana from his pocket, gesturing to Ironhide, "Get the stuff off of him. It won't hurt you but it'll eat his paint if it dries."
"Why don't you do it?"
"I have to get the glasses." Sam said with a slight smile, "I'll be back in about fifteen minutes or so."
Quickly, Sam ran across the back yard, ignoring the stone path. Getting through the back door and kitchen hastily, Sam called out as he ran up the stairs, "Hi mom, hi dad. I need something out of my room and I'm gone for the evening! It's a PARA thing!"
"Alright but be careful." His mother's voice called up the stairs.
Once Sam was in his room, he grabbed the glasses, sticking them in his back pocket and he grabbed his favorite messenger bag, stuffing it full of everything he thought he would need when a voice asked "What are you doing?"
Sam jumped about a foot in the air and spun around toward the voice. Coming through his window was Mikaela via Optimus Prime. "What are you doing?" Sam asked as he helped her through.
"They're in a hurry." Mikaela replied, looking around his room.
"We need those glasses." Optimus Prime stated as he peered through Sam's window.
It was then that Sam realized that giant alien robots were milling around in his backyard. Oh joy. "Yeah I got that. " Sam said looking out the window, "You also need to get out of my mother's flowers bed. Who destroyed the fountain?"
"Dragonfly, who are you talking to?" His mother voice floated up the stairwell.
"No one mom!" Sam called back before turning back to Optimus Prime, "Go hide!"
"Autobots, fall back." Optimus Prime commanded.
Sam locked his door and then turned back to his supply gathering but he could still hear the Autobot commander, "What's the matter with you? Can't you be quiet? He wants us to be quiet!" Optimus Prime didn't sound angry but highly annoyed. Something Sam could understand as his nerves were bad and getting worse. He opened a small jar and poured out a small handful of what looked like chunks of dark orange chalk. Sam popped it into his mouth and swallowed, making a face at tart taste.
"What is that?" Mikaela asked, wrinkling her nose cutely.
"Cesine, basically Dragon caffeine." Sam answered, "It'll give me an energy boost and help me breathe fire if I need to later. Here." He handed her a small rosary and then slipped one around his neck.
"I'm not-" suddenly, there was a loud boom that shook the house.
"What the hell was that?" Sam asked bracing himself against the wall. Then the lights went out, "Well, fuck."
There was a knock on the door; followed by his father's voice asking, "Why is this door locked? You know the rule: no locked doors in this house at night."
"Hide." Sam whispered to Mikaela as he went over to the door and unlocked it. He opened the door a bit, making sure to block the view of his room from his parents, "What?"
"Who are you talking to?" His mother asked as she tried to see pass him.
"At this moment, you."
"Don't be a smart-ass." His father scolded.
"Why are you so sweaty and filthy?" His mother asked looking him up and down.
"One of the pit-falls of working for PARA."
"We heard voices and noises and we thought maybe-"
"It doesn't matter what we thought." His dad interrupted, pushing his way into the room, "Who are we're you talking to?"
"Look, you can't just come into my room like that." Sam objected loudly, praying that Mikaela had found a good hiding spot.
"Oh, you are just so defensive!" His mother exclaimed, suspicious, "Were you...masturbating?"
"Was I master...No, Mom!" Sam denied aghast. 'God what did I do to deserve this?'
His father just stared at his wife, appalled, "Zip it, okay?"
"It's okay," His mother said in what she thought was a reassuring voice, "It's perfectly normal."
"No, I don't masturbate!" Sam protested loudly without thinking, feeling himself go red. Of course this conversation had to happen while he had Mikaela in his room and giant aliens in his back yard.
"Well that's not healthy." His mother began.
"That's not something for you to bring up." His father interrupted, "That's a father-and-son thing, okay?"
"Father-and-son…no…just no." Sam mumbled, praying for stray lighting bolt to kill him. "That's not something for anyone to bring up."
"I mean, you don't have to call it that word if it makes you uncomfortable." His mother tried once again to reassure him, "You can call it Sam's happy time or my special alone time with myself."
"Jesus Christ," Sam muttered covering his face, 'Oh very funny God.' This would be funny if it wasn't happening to him. "Mom, please. Of all conversations I do not want to have at any time with you, the one about my sex life is my top two."
"What has the top spot?"
"A conversation about your sex life."
"Well, Sam, we heard you talking to somebody." His dad changed the subject to another topic Sam didn't want to deal with, "We wanna know who."
Before Sam could say anything, Mikaela suddenly stood up, clearing her throat, "Hi, I'm Mikaela. I'm Sam's girlfriend."
Sam couldn't decide if he wanted to hug or strangle the girl and spoke quickly, "Yeah, she's a girl that is my friend, that's it."
Of course neither of his parents was listening to him now, "Gosh, you're gorgeous!" His mother gushed, "Isn't that the prettiest girl? Oh we should go. You do have protection, don't you Dragonfly?"
"Mom…I'm not sleeping with her." Sam lamented, "Why does everyone assume I'm sleeping with her?"
"Here." His father handed him a twenty as they left the room. Sam and Mikaela just looked at each other once the door closed, well, more like Sam was glaring at Mikaela while she looked completely unrepentant. In the silence between them, Sam could hear the argument outside.
"The parents are very irritating."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!"
"Can I take them out?"
"Ironhide, you know we don't harm humans! What is with you?"
"Well, I'm just saying, we could...it's an option."
Oh hell no. You did not threaten his parents, even if they were annoying. Sam stomped across the room and stuck his head out the window, snarling, "What the fuck did you say, rust bucket?"
After a bout of name calling and insults that only ended because Optimus Prime used the Commander Voice, triggering a then unknown voice fetish in Sam which of course Ratchet just had to comment on, Sam and Mikaela went down stairs where they were detained by his parents yet again.
While they were being interrogated the doorbell started to ring continuously. When his dad opened the door, a man in full M.I.B regalia was standing there flashing a badge. Both the man and the badge proved to Sam, that for what ever reason, God hated him to night.
It was the E.T Squad, Sector Seven.
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Author Notes:
Dum dum dum dummmm….it's Sector Seven!
I'm sorry but the whole masturbation conversation was just too perfect and I love Ironhide's suggestion. I just had to use them.
Oh! I have fanart! It's in my profile!
Thanks for reading!
-Bluelunacy7