Mission: Pimp My Hikari

Part 3 – The Clothes

Ryou silently wished he could grab the clothes display and thrash his yami with it. Instantly he felt bad about it though. As much as Bakura drove him crazy, he was not a violent person. He didn't think he was, but sometimes he proved himself wrong. They'd purchased the hair product, which Malik was now carrying, and they were store hopping for the right attire. He had to wonder what difference switching shampoos would have. Of course looking at Malik he could only imagine how much more healthier his hair must be. 'God, this is so gay.' Ryou shook his hair. Being gay would be one thing, but acting like they just fell out of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" was pushing it.

"So what are we looking for?" Ryou asked with an almost meek tone.

"Something tough. Something that screams, "please don't hit me?". I mean it's still a pansy look, but we'll never make you completely badass. You're just…well, you can't fix wimp, that's all I'm saying." Bakura explained looking back at Ryou and failing to see the clothes rack to smacked his face against. "Ow…"

"Really smooth there, stud." Marik cackled pointing at Bakura and not seeing the deliberate foot placed in front of his own by his hikari. Marik took a face dive to the floor and Malik cackled louder than his yami had. He grabbed Ryou and pulled him along with them as they left their clumsy yamis behind.

"They're so uncouth, don't you think?" The Egyptian smiled at Ryou.

"Hikari!"

"Hey, look! I think that's what we're looking for!" Malik suddenly exclaimed and broke out into a run with Ryou being pulled along by the wrist.

"If you weren't our ticket for making Ryou look less British, then I'd thrash you!" Marik growled as soon as Bakura and he managed to catch up with the two.

"I'm not even British!" Ryou crossed his arms.

"You look British, hikari, that's the problem." Bakura explained holding Marik back from chewing Malik's head off, literally. Bakura chewed furniture, and Marik chewed body parts. Take that as you will.

"What's wrong with British people?"

"Everything!" Marik blurted.

"Oh shut up, idiot, I have British friends!" Bakura jabbed his fellow dark in the gut. "I'm just saying that British and you equal large neon 'hit me' sign. Or 'shove me in a lock' or steal my lunch money' or 'sell me on the streets for a buck a shot'."

Marik blinked, "Okay ya lost me on the last one.

"Oh shut it!" The white haired thief smacked the crazy haired tomb keeper on the cheek. He turned his attention casually back to Ryou. "Now how about getting some man pants on you!"

"But these are men's pants damn it!"

"Now hikari, it's rude to curse at people trying to help you!"

"But I'm not curing at you!"

"Yes you are and I don't appreciate the tone! Where are your manners?!"

'Auuuuuugh, manners will be when I shove Marik's head up your ass! See how that works out for you, yami!' Ryou mentally stabbed the voodoo Bakura he kept up there, "Yami, please be reasonable! I've been doing fine all things considered!"

"So you say! Now here, look at these pants," Bakura grabbed a random pair without looking, "They men's….what the fuck are these?"

"Is that a pair of pants or a misconstrued pile of zippers, buckles and chain?" Malik leaned in to look.

"I don't even know…" Bakura held them up and looked at them. "They have a zipper everywhere but the crotch! What kinda shitty seamstress put this mess together?"

"Probably Korean." Marik nodded.

"You mean Chinese?"

"Yeah, what you said. Oh, look it has a zipper pocket on the ass!"

"What the hell would you need that for?"

"Maybe it's a portable shit bag. For crapping on the go, you know?" Marik suggested and Bakura stared at the yami with almost shock at how retarded that idea was. "What? Hey some poor guy may not be able to hold it one day and he'll wish he had a pocket to shit in until he can find a bathroom!"

"You disturb me…but think about it, why wouldn't they do that on the front too? I mean there's no zipper even!"

"They had to market that idea how, because they could only use the zipper pocket on the front for the girls!" Marik nodded.

"…Oh…well I guess that makes sense." Bakura nodded too.

"And like this shirt right here," Marik said, pulling a black shirt with a zipper going horizontally through the middle. "This one has a pocket in case you need to throw up but can't hurl yourself at a garbage can!"

"How innovative!"

"Oh you two are retarded! Marik quite using your brain, or what little there is you have! And Bakura, how can you believe in this guy!? What kinda thief are you?!" Malik scolded.

"Hey come on, let me humor him a little!"

Malik shook his head, "I believe you to be better than that."

"Hey! He poses a half plausible idea! Might as well make use of useless pockets and zippers!"

"It's a style dip shit! Do you know nothing of modern culture at all?! Either of you?"

Marik and Bakura looked at each other and shrugged. Marik spoke for the two of them "Not a damn bit, hikari."

"Well that's clear." Malik turned to Ryou with a sorrowful expression in his violet eyes. He knew how tough it was rearing a stupid yami. His congratulations for Ryou was that Bakura was more intelligently destructive then Marik, who had yet to figure out that the microwave is for food; not animals, foil or firecrackers. Bakura terrorized people on myspace as a hobby. Marik made a hobby out of finding ways to make Malik's kitchen into a giant deathtrap that failed every time. Bakura made people hate themselves and attempt suicide only to fail and wallow in more angst and depression. Marik killed household pets. He honestly didn't know which was worse. Marik killed animals. Bakura could possibly be blamed for the suicide of whiny little emos. Scratch that perhaps Bakura was doing the world a favor.

"Can we just get on with this?" Ryou pleaded. He would rather be at home watching the 'I love the 90s' series on VH1. At least that provided him with some intelligent atmosphere to a degree.

"What's the rush hikari? We've still got to look for clothes, shoes, accessories…"

"Wait, accessories? What accessories do I need?!"

"We're thinking a Tattoo. Or maybe we'll pierce your nose."

"I don't know, lets go for the tongue and the ears."

"Oooh! I know, happy medium! We'll pierce his nipples!"

"I'm so out of here!" Ryou back up and turned away from them, intent on leaving no matter what they tried to pull him back with. If it cost his furniture then so be it. He'd buy beanbags in the future so that it wouldn't be expensive anymore.

"Hikari! Wait, we were kidding, we're not going to make you pierce anything! I don't have any piercings! And Marik doesn't either!" Bakura ran after him, trying to calm the ruffled feathers.

"Not that you know about." Marik scratched the back of his head.

"I could have stood not thinking about that Marik." Bakura shivered. "Now be a good hikari and let's pick out some clothes for you? Please? I've got to at least pull a thousand dollars on Kaiba's account if I'm going to have to give him head."

"Oh! AUGH!" Marik gagged and looked ready to hurl his lunch.

"Heh, that's payback, bitch." He turned back to face his hikari. He would have to pull out the big guns now. "If you stay and let us do this I'll do the dishes for a week!"

Ryou looked at him with a disbelieving scowl. He couldn't readily refuse Bakura if it involved Bakura actually doing the dishes. "Promise me you'll do the dishes?."

"I promise!"

"Promise on your life!"

"I promise on my life!"

"You'd believe him? He's the guy who stabs himself!" Malik snorted.

"Okay fine, promise on the possibility of you ever winning against Yami!"

Bakura gasped, "Hikari that's a cheap shot!"

"Promise."

"Fine! I promise!"

"Okay," Ryou finally conceded. "Let's hurry up, and if you bail out of dishes I'm calling Yami to come and thrash you in a duel monsters game. Because we know you can't beat him."

"…tch, his hair distracts me." Bakura growled looking away with a frown.

To be Continued…