Mission: Pimp My Hikari
Part 7- The Descent

Ryou sighed. He looked down at the floor tiles and counted the squares until he noted that he was thirty five and a half tiles from the exit. The exit to freedom. He was sad, because he knew he could not run thirty five tiles without Bakura dragging him back. He was quick. Bakura was quicker. "Can we go home?"

"No! We're buying you shoes!" Malik declared with something of a grin.

"Define buy?" Bakura asked after a moment.

"Bakura! You're not stealing shoes!" Malik responded, giving him a face that meant seriousness. "We have Kaiba's money to spend!"

"I thought we were buying a Land Boat with that…"

"There's enough money to buy two land boats, Bakura!" Marik added with a little, and slightly disturbing, glint of happiness that Bakura could swear he actually saw in Marik's voice.

"Then we should buy two land boats! And a sky car!"

"You mean a plane?" Ryou sighed. They were being stupid and he was wondering if it was possible for this to not be on purpose. If it wasn't on purpose, he…almost had pity.

"No no no! The one that goes WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH." Marik replied, reading Bakura's mind like his head was transparent, and there was a good chance that the two of them were so far down on the same frequency of retardation that they could talk via CB radio within each other's skulls.

"A Helicopter?" Yugi blinked with his massive eyes, peeking around the corner as Malik pulled some sneakers from the shelf.

"GAH!" Malik jumped, moving back into Yami, turning and giving the same shrill shriek. "Don't do that! You people are frightening upon sudden attack!"

"I didn't attack you though!" Yugi pouted.

"Your hair did…" Bakura snorted, pulling Marik around to help him inspect the shoes that would make his hikari badass. "Combat boooooots~" He sang, closing in on the section like a cat stalking his pray.

"Combat boots?" The pharaoh looked at him questioningly. "What are you trying to make Ryou into? A guerilla soldier?"

"Oh man, do you think we could?" Bakura looked over at Marik with a super grin. "Imagine this, super badass Ryou!"

"Dude, we need to look for some camo pants too! Yes!"

"No! No no no no! I don't want to look like a bully!" Ryou protested and stood behind Yami, knowing that he wasn't much protection, but he was just out of range of the two who were trying to 'toughen' him up. He didn't want to be tough he wanted to stay the way he was. He would learn how to avoid bullies…he didn't need to beat them up.

"Oh come on! Don't be a buzz kill. We can make you actually look cool!"

"I don't wanna look cool!" He cried.

"Too bad! Okay, combat boots. Check. Marik follow me! Back to the pants isle!"

"Pantalones~!"

Marik deftly dodged Bakura's attempt to pop him on the head. He was getting pretty damn good at predicting Bakura's moves. He was feeling pretty proud of himself too, he had never gotten out of Bakura's reach so perfe-

Bakura swing the other fist and popped him in the back of the head. "Dumb ass. Come on!" He continued along, stopping only to blink as he pulled Marik into a clothing alley. "You were right Marik?"

"I was right? Holy hell, what was I right about?"

"You were right about Jounouchi! Look!" Bakura pointed over to the isle with the pants they were looking for and there was, sure enough, Jounouchi, standing there browsing about. "Do you think we should approach him?"

"Heh, maybe we should..." Marik Grinned, looking on. "We can have fun with him. He doesn't know it was us right?"

"Assumingly no. I mean, your god voice doesn't sound anything like you….At all." Bakura drawled sarcastically and looked at the psycho faced Marik.

"Oh shut up!" Marik stuck his tongue out. Bakura took his hand and pulled his tongue. "OW ow ow ow! Tttop!"

"Top? You mean stop? Why Marik, how inconsiderate of you….you didn't even say please!" He snorted, but released the tongue, followed by wiping the saliva on Marik's shirt. "Come on."

The two of them walked casually toward the pants rack. Marik slinked over to Jounouchi and blew air against the boy's neck. Jounouchi let out a grunt that sounded more akin to a squeak.

"What the!?" Jounouchi turned around and Marik turned with him, just out of Jounouchi's view. The blonde's eyes fell on Bakura. "You wanna fight?!"

"I didn't do that." Bakura held up his hands. Watching Marik making faces at Jounouchi, Bakura tossed a boot, counting on Jounouchi ducking. The dumb as did not duck. "What the fuck!? You were supposed to dodge that dumbass!"

Jounouchi growled and whined, "That hurt!"

Bakura sighed. "You really are dumb as a fucking rock. Marik stop smiling. Shouldn't you be acquiring pants for our mission!"

The blonde mutt blinked, rubbing his head. "Mission? What mission?" His eyes narrowed. He was under sudden attack by two crazy---Two?! He turned quickly to see Marik, still in mid face making. "Eh!?"

"Mission, Pimp my Hikari of course." Bakura answered as if such an idea was just completely normal.

"Ya mean Ryou?"

"Yeah. We're trying to make him look in a way that doesn't make us want to immediately hit him upon walking into the room with him. So we're thinking one of several things." Marik explained.

"Actually, we're crossing things off the list…We thought about gothic, but them we realized that's the total opposite effect of making him cool. Then we thought Retro, but Ryou's too much of a book brat to pull off Retro. Actually someone would probably ask him questions and he would be like. 'Eh?' and we would be like 'he's just wearing the clothes bro' and the bully would be like 'what the fuck dawg?' and we would say, 'he was getting picked on for being such a twit', the bully would reply, 'oh, but…this isn't working for him either…because I really kinda wanna beat his ass…can I?' and I would reply simply, 'yeah….go ahead'." He nodded as if it was a prediction of the future (which is probably was).

"…Maybe you're thinking too much into it…"

"What do you mean?" Bakura blinked.

Jounouchi stepped back, he was still uneasy around the two freak shows, but he was friends with Ryou. "Dress him in black jeans and black shirts. With like colored over shirts. You cannot go wrong with black, yo."

"Hmm….I had not considered this. But black would make Ryou look like a ghost!"

"And would most people mess with that?" Marik looked at him, countering his thought and acting as a counselor. It was like a small hierarchy of insanity. Bakura was clearly the almighty king of the crazy and Marik was the royal pain.

"Hmmm…." Bakura thought for a moment. A long moment. "Okay then. Black it is….but…can we at least keep the combat boots?"

"Why?"

"You never know when he'll need to run like hell."

"But aren't we trying to avoid getting him chased?"

"Hey…you can predict bullies…but you can't predict terrorists."

"Oh yeah. We should buy him a gun too…"

"You don't buy guns Marik. You obtain them."

"Ooooh! Oh man! Can you get me a gun?"

"Depends, are you one of those people that will look into a loaded gun when it jams, and repeatedly pull the trigger?"

"….Are you not supposed to?"

"I didn't say that, I was asking if you would."

"Well of course I would! If something's wrong I wanna see what it is!"

"Then yes. Yes, Marik. I will obtain you a gun."

"SWEET!"

Jounouchi watched, concerned about whether or not these two would last on earth as mortals. He suspected Bakura might…but Marik would probably be his own destruction. Yes…Marik would die first.

"Oh by the way." Marik piped, seeing Jounouchi's stare.

"Eh?"

"I think you would make a wonderful woman. Don't let anyone tell you any different!" He said in a tone that one would almost think was demeaning.

Jounouchi looked at him and his face turned red. "What are you talking about?"

"God only knows." Marik replied, proud when he heard Bakura's snickering.

Ryou sighed and hung his head, pressing his face against the wall.

To Be Continued….

A/N: Not my best work, but it was one of those crackheaded things that just kinda spilled out. I actually just wrote this in the last thirty minutes, so, I'm happy to have done it at all. I've been on a painfully long hiatus from writing because I had lost my writing muse. But I think I've somewhat obtained a little bit of what I had. Which i a shame because I just missed Nanowrimo. Anyway, sorry to anyone who was actually waiting on updates. There won't be much more to this little thing though. Thank you for reading!