Author's Note: Well, here's chapter fourteen, I hope, that if you read this story, or have been keeping up with it that you enjoy it :D
Chapter 14: The Ultimate Act Of Remembrance
"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever"-Winnie The Pooh
It's been three weeks since 'The Great Dinner Disaster of 92,' as Michael has so lovingly come to call it. It took a good solid week before I could even look him in the eyes again, I felt ashamed for the way that I had acted. But in Michael's soothing way he assured me that he understood, and I wonder if he truly did, or if he was just tolerating my behavior because of some deep rooted guilt over the fact that my daughter died in his front yard. I shake my head at the thought, knowing that Michael was sincere, fighting with the doubt in my head. I thrum my fingers nervously against the steering wheel of the borrowed car, looking at the looming building ahead of me. Three days a week, I come to this office for group therapy. I was automatically diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, and told that sometimes the best way to deal with the pain and anger is to talk about it with a group of people who have also lost a child unexpectedly. Though my story was a little different, pictures splashed across the pages of newspapers and magazines, after all it isn't every day that the child of Michael Jackson's personal assistant dies, I find solace in this group, knowing that I am not the only one who has gone through this. With our tour departure date looming right around the corner, I find myself anxious. Scared of not having this newly found safety net around to catch me. I push out of the car, shivering against the cool air. Therapy serves it's purposes, Though, I almost laughed in the therapists face when he tried referring me to an eating disorder specialist. My eating habits, or lack thereof isn't born from some sort of misconception about my physical appearance, its nothing more than how I deal with the pain of Carly-Ann being gone. Did I mention I might be in denial? I enter the building smiling at the front desk clerk, Sandy, who also lost a child. Her sympathetic eyes meeting mine as a slow smile forming on her face.
" Hello Dani, how are you feeling today?" Sandy asks, and I smile at her, knowing that at least here, I can be completely honest.
" Today's a good day Sandy, thank you," I say, giving a small smile and wave as I walk towards the back room. Walking through the door smiling at the familiar faces around me, I slide of my shoes, taking my usual spot on the carpet. One of the first things that convinced me that this was the group for me was the relaxed approach that Dr. Keith Jamison takes in his practices.
" Hello everyone," a deep voice booms through the room, and I look in the direction that it comes from. I smile at the therapist as he kicks off his shoes, joining the rest of us on the floor. " Why don't we start off this group session like we do every week, saying what we are afraid will happen if we move on from the death of our children," Dr. Jamison says, looking around the room, waiting for someone to speak first. I take a deep breath deciding that I should start it off, after all its my last session, might as well get as much from it as I can.
" I'm afraid that if I move on, I will forget the sound of Carly-Ann's voice," I say, tears clouding my eyes, just the thought of it makes me want to vomit.
" Very good Dani, anyone else?" he asks, looking around the room. I look at everybody as they talk, taking in their pain, understanding the tears as they fall. The time passes quickly and before I know it the session is almost over.
" Well, as everyone knows, Dani wont be here after today, work will be calling her away. But I want you, to still participate in some way Dani," he says, pulling a gift back from behind his desk, setting it in my lap, "The next assignment is to keep a journal, and in the journal I want you all to write a letter a day to your child. I have found that this exercise helps people cope a little easier, get through each day when they feel like they can talk to the person that they lost."
I push back the tissue paper, pulling out a hardbacked journal in a deep shade of purple, running my finger over the cover where my daughter's name has been engraved. I sigh heavily, blinking away the tears that threaten to spill over. I get to my feet, letting everyone hug me before they leave, their soft words of encouragment and murmurs of 'we'll miss you,' empowering me. i slide my purse onto my shoulder, hugging the journal to my chest, looking into Dr. Jamison's smiling face.
" I, I don't know what to say Dr. J," I say, hugging the notebook closely. " Thank you just wont be enough. It's going to be a huge help to feel like I'm still connected to this group even though I'm going to be gone."
" Dani, you don't have to thank me. You have to remember that this group is always here for you. I have one more exercise for you, before you leave," he says, leaning against his desk, studying me," I wont lie to you, it's going to be the hardest thing you've done since Carly-Ann passed away. Usually I save this exercise for the last few sessions, but your situation is different. Most parents find it difficult, damn near impossible to go to the grave of their child, because then it becomes too real. I want you to find one person that you trust to be strong enough to go with you to see Carly-Ann. One person who will be able to handle the inevitable wave of emotions you will go through," he says, and I swallow the lump in my throat.
" O, okay," I say, waving good bye as I walk out of the office. I sit in the car, crying for a few minutes scared to death to take this leap. How can he ask me to do this? To stare at the spot where my child's lifeless body rest under feet of cold dirt? I wipe away my tears, starting the car slowly, knowing that there is only one person who I can trust with this, who I can trust, with everything.
I slip inside of the dance studio Michael had rented for rehearsals, standing in the corner, watching as Michael and the dancers finish up the last routine.
" That was good everyone, so good. Now remember we leave Saturday, be on time, we don't want another situation like we had last time do we Cory?" Michael jokes and I smile when everyone starts laughing. " All right everyone pack it in, see you all in Tokyo." I say good bye to everyone who stops to hug me, hugging Siedah the hardest. Soon the room is empty, save for me and Michael, though he hasn't noticed me standing in the corner yet, he was too busy practicing a few moves in front of the mirrors. Watching him like this, in his purest form makes me smile, or makes me wish that I remembered how to smile. I watch as he picks up his discarded jacket trying to work up the courage to say something.
" Oh Dani, I didn't see you there," Michael says, smiling as he approaches.
" Yeah I slipped in during the last number. It's going to be amazing Michael," I say, fiddling with my bracelet.
" Thank you. So what's up? If I knew you were going to swing by after group, I would have told Max to go ahead and stay home," he says, opening the door for me.
" Don't worry about it, I caught Max in the parking lot, told him to go ahead and leave, hope you don't mind. I actually, uhm I wanted, I wanted to ask you to come somewhere with me," I say, nerves coursing through my body.
" Dani are you okay?" he asks as he walks next to me, our steps in sync.
" Yes. No, I don't know. Dr. Jamison gave me a final exercise, and he told me to bring someone with me that I trust with my feelings, and its just, you're the first person I though of, I know it's presumptuous, and I should have waited, but," I say, stuttering as I fight for the words.
" Dani, you know that you can trust me, with everything," he says, stopping me from walking by grabbing my wrist softly in his hand, his eyes reassuring me that he was the man for the job.
'I already do,' I think to myself as we turn walking towards the car.
I look through the window of the car, my heart aching at the sight of all of the headstones, knowing that one of them belongs to my daughter. I grip the steering wheel tightly, unable to move.
" Dani, you don't have to do this," Michael murmurs, his hand cupping the back of my neck, rubbing his thumb from side to side, comforting me.
" I do, Michael. I have to," I say, finally finding the strength to open the door. I walk, Michael by my side, his hand warm in mine, over the hills of the cemetery. Finally coming to the spot where Carly-Ann lays. I bury my head in his shoulder, afraid to look, afraid to make it real. Suddenly, as if he senses that I cant be the first one to do it, Michael releases my hand, kneeling down in front of my daughters grave, running his smooth hands over the head stone.
" Hey sweet heart, I told you I would be back. I miss you kid, I miss everything about you. I know that your in a better place now, but that doesn't stop me from being selfish, wishing that you were here with us, instead of in Heaven. Anyways, I love you sweetness, don't ever forget that," Michael says, his voice soft and I can hear the tears mixed in his voice. I open my eyes, my vision blurry reading the headstone.
'Carly-Ann Sophia James. January 22nd, 1987-October 10th, 1992. The light of our lives, diminished too soon, we love you dear heart, wait for us there.' I gasp, gripping my shirt front as my heart hammerrs in my chest so harshly I'm afraid its going to burst from my body and shatter on contact. I step closer, kneeling next to a marble bench. I look down at it, a sob breaking out of me. In the marble of the bench Carly-Ann's name is carved, and right underneath it words from her favorite book, Winnie The Pooh.
" If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you," I read out loud, my voice thick from the warring emotions within me. I didn't have to ask, I knew who did this for my daughter. " Michael, when, when did you do this?"
" A few days after her funeral, I debated on telling you. I just, I just didn't want to upset you," he says, his sad eyes peering at me. I lean forward, pressing my palm to my daughters headstone, bowing my head as the flood gate to my emotions breaks open. " Hi baby, my little princess. God, how I miss you. I think about you, every second of everyday. My heart hurts, thinking of you, thinking of everything that could have been, if I had just a little more time with you, but then I have to remember that everything that could have been will never be as important as what short time we did have. I have to admit baby, I'm mad. So angry that you were taken away, and sometimes I yell at God or whatever force it is that's working upstairs, but I know that doesn't do any good. I just, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you," I chant rocking myself back and forth as I weep, my hand never leaving the smooth marble of my daughters headstone. I feel the warmth of Michael's body cover me, his hands holding my head close to him, as I weep out the rest of my shattered heart.
'Dearest Daughter,
Hey, it's your Momma, but you already know that. You probably know everything that I am about to tell you, but I'm going to write it anyways, no matter how silly it seems. It's November 28th, and I'm sitting on the plane with Michael, he's sleeping, of course, but we're headed to Tokyo for the tour. I woke up this morning forgetting that you were gone, you should have heard me baby, calling for you to get up. It broke my heart when I remembered that you weren't here anymore. I hope you don't mind, but I have your stuffed hippo. I thought about leaving her with you, when we buried you, but I needed it with me. I know it was selfish, she was your favorite stuffy, but I needed her, because when I have her with me I can feel you. The smell of your shampoo lingers on her, and it makes me happy, makes me smile. Do you remember when I visited you, in Neverland, or my dream, or whatever it was? And you told me to be open, open to happiness, open to what Michael wants to give me? I need to know what you meant baby, because I don't know. I have thought about it everyday and the answers still don't come to me. Anyways, I will write again tomorrow beautiful daughter of mine, until then, I miss you.
Loving you always,
Momma.'
I pull out a picture of Carly-Ann and Michael, gluing it just under my freshly written words, smiling as I run my thumb over the picture before closing the cover. I look over, rolling my eyes at Michael who is sound asleep a book laying face down on his lap. I reach over, taking the book from his lap slipping it shut.
" I was still reading that you know," Michael's teasing voice catches me off guard making me jump slightly. I laugh, smacking his arm as he grins his eyes still closed.
" Geeze Michael, are you trying to give me a heart attack? Besides how could you possibly be reading a book with your eyes closed?" I ask, chuckling lightly.
" I'm just that talented," he replies, and I laugh harder. I suddenly stop laughing, staring at Michael in shock.
" What? What is it?" he asks, his eyes turning serious. I stare at him, realization slowly setting in on me.
" This is the first time that I have laughed since, since Carly-Ann died," I say, lifting my hand to my chest rubbing at the soft pull in my chest. Only the tug at my heart isn't pain, it's a happiness. Then the guilt sets in, and I close my eyes tightly.
" Don't do that Daniella, she wants you to be happy," he says, rubbing his thumb across my forehead. I let out a breath I didn't even realize I was holding.
" I know, I know. Its just, I'm so used to pain. It's different to feel happy again," I say, leaning back against the seat. Michael sighs happily, taking my hand in his, both of us eventually falling into a deep and content sleep.
Michael's POV
" Michael, Mike, MICHAEL JOSEPH JACKSON," Dani's voice coaxes me from sleep, and I groan opening my eyes slowly. She is definitely a welcome sight to see, this Dani at least. The breakthrough she had a few hours before we fell asleep still glowing on her face. The tired look in her eyes already fading away.
" Hmm?" I murmur stretching quickly.
" There's a bit of a problem," Dani says, her delicate hands running through her hair.
" What?" I ask, noting the familiar hum of the plane soaring through the air cant be heard.
" We're stuck in British Columbia," she says, her voice riddled with worry.
" What are you talking about?" I ask, leaning over her to open the window shade. She was right. We're sitting on the runway of an airport, snow falling thickly around us.
" The pilot said there is a huge storm system rolling through, all flights have been grounded," she says, her voice stammering.
" Damn it. Okay well, this is part of the job description Dan, we will just wait the storm out, find a hotel," I say, thinking out loud when Dani laughs lowly.
" Way ahead of you sleepy head. Max is getting a rental car as we speak," she says, stepping over me, her shirt lifting slightly with a flash of creamy skin.
" Oh well good," I say, gulping deeply. I know its wrong. I shouldn't be looking at her like this, but I cant help it. The pain of loss over the last two months hasn't stopped me from loving her, it just made it all the more real to me, the fact that I would do anything, even if it meant spending the rest of my life making sure that she never felt that sort of pain again.
" Hello, earth to Mike," she says, grabbing my hand pulling me to my feet. " Did you hear me? Max is here."
" Yeah sorry, must still be pretty worn out," I say, hoping that my excuse was believable. Her laughter resounds in my head shooting pleasure straight to my heart. 'I've missed that laugh,' I think to myself as I follow her off of the plane into the awaiting car.
Dani's POV
The adrenaline shoots through me as Max leads me through a dark corridor, its almost electric. 'And I thought the roar of the crowd was loud from the stage,' I think to myself, momentarily distracted from my own curiosity.
" Max, honestly, why wont you tell me what's going on? I should be backstage, not out front," I yell, hoping my voice can successfully travel over the wild chanting of Michael's name. Max smiles mysteriously at me, winking at me slyly.
" That's for us to know and you to find out Dani. Now just sit here and enjoy the show," Max says, pushing me into a front row seat. I stare at him dumbly as he turns walking away, his head close to a security guards ear mouthing something to him.
" What in the world is going on?" I wonder aloud, looking around. The seat I'm in is set up strategically behind a small barrier. This is insanity, I don't belong in the crowd, I belong with the rest of the crew, making sure that the show flows smoothly. I sink lower in my seat checking my watch, four and a half minutes until show time. I lean forward looking around, noticing one seat was set up beside me, I look away quickly a white flash of paper catching my attention from the corner of my eye. I look back, my heart aching as I drop to my knees in front of the chair. I run my hands over the laminated paper, tears streaming down my face. 'Reserved for Carly-Ann James,' it reads, and my heart courses with a deeper love for Michael. Front row center, where my daughter would sit during every rehearsal and sound check, cheering Michael on, eyes glowing with a love so pure and innocent it was almost blinding to look at it head on. I take my seat quickly when the lights dim, wiping my face.
" No tears Dani, no tears," I murmur to myself, screaming loudly when Michael catapults onstage, catching me off guard. It doesn't take long, between the energy of the crowd, and the palpable energy Michael exudes while on-stage, for me to get caught up in the moment. Watching the concert from this stand point is so different from catching snippets of it from backstage. I cheer as loud if not louder than the thousands of people surround me, not noticing the ache in my feet as I scream Michael's name the lights dimming on the stage. I know by now that the next song is Thriller and I wait with anticipation buzzing through my system when the house lights come up and I look around confusion coursing through my body. I watch as Michael walks back to center stage, perspiration dripping down his face. Suddenly an Asian woman appears just to his right and I wonder what is going on.
" As some of you may know," Michael says, another voice comes over the speakers, translating his words into Japanese. " Two months ago, my best friend Dani lost her daughter, Carly-Ann. So I wanted to take this opportunity to share with you a little bit about that beautiful little girl. Carly-Ann, baby girl, this one is for you." I listen, shocked into silence when a huge screen lowers over the backdrop of the stage, Carly-Ann's face flashing on the screen. I remain frozen, my arms tightly crossed across my chest, as candid picture after candid picture flashes across the screen, tears coursing down my face landing heavily on my skin. I sink to my seat as Michael begins singing 'Smile' remembering the very first time that he had sung that song to her. I lower my head, smiling despite my heart ache.
" You hear that baby? He loves you," I say, burying my hands in my face as he finishes the song, moved beyond all words by this ultimate act of remembrance.
I rush backstage, ignoring the calls of my name. I have my mind set up, its know or never, and if I stop I'll manage to talk myself out of this. I don't bother knocking on the door of Michael's dressing room, I open the door quickly, slamming it shut behind me. I watch as Michael whirls around his white shirt unbuttoned, revealing smooth skin taught over toned muscle.
" Dani," Michael whispers, his eyes searching my face. I take a few deep breathes, before crossing the room determination coursing through my body. I throw my arms around his neck, pressing my lips to his. I can tell he is shocked by the way his body stiffens against mine, but soon his arms come around me, kissing me with as much enthusiasm as I have. I pull away, my eyes swimming as I look up at him.
" Thank you Michael," I say, smiling as I step away from him, opening the dressing room door I walk out, my heart soaring from the kiss as I make my way to the exit.