The Power of Love

Chapter 18 – Letting Go

When Jack returned from the sheep that night, his eyes no longer had the bright sparkle that they usually had. His pretty lips were turned down in almost a mournful expression and as he slipped off the horse, Ennis could see more of himself in his walk, slouched over and hat pulled low. It looked like the whole world was resting on his shoulders but when Ennis attempted asking him what was wrong, he didn't reply, just laid down by the fire and rested his head against the log, staring blankly into the orange flames.

'' Jack?'' Ennis tried again yet to no avail. The cowboy seemed suddenly cut off from the world, lost in thoughts. Ennis didn't know what they were – he could never tell what Jack was thinking – but he could tell they weren't pleasant. And when he tried to hand him the beans for supper, he pushed them away.

'' Jack, ya have ta eat,'' Ennis said softly though Jack just shook his head, drawing back.

'' Ah'm not hungry...'' he choked out despite not having eaten all day. Ennis tried to hand the can of beans over again but Jack was insistent, saying no. '' Ah don't want anythin'...''

'' Jack...''

'' Ah'm fine, Ennis,'' Jack pressed before Ennis could even say it. '' Please, ah'm jus' not hungry...''

And with that, he stood up and looked up at the sky, which had only just begun to turn dark. Ennis glanced up too and was surprised to hear him announce he was going to the tent for the night. '' Jack, it's still...'' But the pained expression on his companion's face made him pause. His heart ached and he nodded. '' Okay... Ah'll see you...''

Jack nodded back and then stumbled past the fire to Ennis. His breath was taken away as he was swept up in the warmest and biggest embrace Jack had ever given him. The cowboy buried his face into his hair and clutched his jacket and when it was time for him to go, he looked reluctant to. Ennis didn't know what to say or do when he turned and hurried to the tent without another word.

***

When Ennis returned to the tent later on that night, Jack was lying on his front, his face buried in the pillow. He tried to be quiet so as not to wake him but when he crawled under the covers next to him, he immediately rolled over and entwined his arms around his body, holding him tight. Ennis embraced him back and kissed his hair, feeling him trembling. He didn't know what was wrong yet Jack was grasping him like he was the last thing in the world and he didn't want to let him go no matter what happened.

'' Jack...'' he muttered softly and felt the first tear seep from Jack's beautiful blue eyes.

'' Ah'm sorry...'' he whispered. Though Ennis didn't know why.

***

Jack was up very early the next morning, prodding the fire just after the sun had risen. A blanket was wrapped tightly around him protectively even though it wasn't all that cold and when Ennis glanced out, he was ravenously eating the beans from the previous night like a man starved. Any other time, Ennis would have been amused but Jack still looked down so he didn't make a noise, instead slowly moving out of the tent and walking over to him, reaching out to slide an arm around him. Jack jumped at the sensation.

'' Ssh...'' Ennis found himself whispering. Jack trembled under his touch. '' Why are you out so early...?''

Jack shook his head, rubbing his sore eyes. '' Ah couldn't sleep,'' he muttered but didn't offer an explanation why. Ennis nodded and perched down next to him, bringing him close. A small sob escaped him.

'' Jack, what's wrong?'' he asked softly. He couldn't remember ever being this gentle to anybody.

'' It's nothin'...'' he replied shortly and then placed the can of beans back onto the ground. '' Jus'...nothin'...''

'' Why don't you come back ta the tent? You're shiverin' out here...''

Jack slowly nodded and followed Ennis back to the tent, which had, after about a month of being up on this mountain, almost become like a home for him. Something told him it wasn't just because he had spent so much time in it though. Any occasion he spent by Ennis's side was beginning to feel more and more like home. It was no use trying to deny things to himself anymore, no matter how much they hurt him.

They entwined together in the tent that morning, arms and legs tangled. Somewhere along the line, Ennis found his clothes being pulled off and suddenly, Jack was on top of him, straddling his hips so he couldn't move. He looked like he was about to cry as he entered him almost aggressively and Ennis gasped in surprise, his mouth opening in a silent scream. It didn't last long but it hurt and every time he tried to move, Jack held his arms down, refusing to budge. '' Jack...'' he attempted to mutter but Jack's head was buried in his hair as he defiantly tried to keep tears from falling.

***

Ennis was unsettled by Jack all throughout the morning when he was back up with the sheep. He'd been uncharacteristically aggressive in the tent earlier but although it had been rough, Ennis knew it wasn't because of anger. He'd felt him trembling against him and when it was over, he hadn't said anything. Instead, he had just sat there, knees drawn up to his chest and a hand in his damp hair with his eyes tight shut. Ennis had tried to talk to him but it was no use. He wasn't going to reveal anything.

Ennis had left the camp earlier than usual after that. He had slipped onto the horse with a word of goodbye yet looked back at the tent to see Jack until he was completely out of sight. A strange feeling was stirring in his stomach and as he rode up to the pastures, it grew stronger and stronger up to the point where the world was becoming hazy and blurry around him. Fiercely rubbing his eyes and staring out blankly to the sheep, he tried to think of anything that wasn't Jack but it was no use. He attempted not to be bothered by the cowboy's mournful attitude yet he just couldn't. Something kept dragging him back to him, no matter how many worries he had in his mind. Every effort to let him go was immediately dismissed in vain.

And that's why, when a blue sky began to finally creep out from behind the grey clouds, he turned his back on the sheep and began to ride back to camp, his heart heavy.

***

When he reached the campsite, he saw that Jack was standing by the tent and slowly and sadly taking it down. His heart sank further, almost with every miserable move of the shelter's canvas, and he immediately dismounted his horse, walking over to him and wondering why he was taking the shelter down.

'' What're you doin'?'' he asked and Jack briefly turned around, his blue eyes still without sparkle.

'' Aguirre came by again...'' he answered after a while, again tending to the canvas. There was no denying the lack of his usual bounce in his voice. '' Said mah Uncle didn't die after all...Says to bring 'em down...''

Ennis paused and tried to will his heart to stop beating so fast. Jack's back was turned from him but the stumbles in his movement showed his hurt. He understood now. That was why he had been acting this way – the aggressive advances in the tent, the uncharacteristic silences, the – crying? No, it couldn't be like this. '' Bring 'em down?'' he asked, something inside of him hoping he'd heard wrong. '' It's the middle a' August...''

'' Says there's a storm comin'...'' Jack continued and he still didn't turn. Ennis's stomach was slowly beginning to turn. '' ...movin' in from Pacific – worse 'an this one...'' He must have meant the storm a couple of days back and the heavy snow.

''...but that snow barely stuck an hour...'' Ennis frowned then shook his head, finally moving. His legs were shaking beneath him. '' Besides that son of a bitch is cuttin' us out of a whole month's pay...It – it ain't right...'' That was the last thing on his mind. But he had to keep talking, find something else to worry about, couldn't think about this...

Jack shrugged and at last, turned to him. Their eyes met momentarily but Ennis immediately glanced away, staring into some spot in the nearby trees. His throat felt so dry. '' Well...'' Jack started. '' Ah can – ah can spare you a loan if you're short on cash...Give it to ya when we get...when we get to Signal...''

Something inside of Ennis snapped then. Signal was the first place he'd met Jack. They were going back there. But it wasn't even the end of summer. Scowling, he stared at Jack and felt his stomach twist even further. '' Ah don't need your money,'' he said, hostility in his voice once again. '' Ah ain't in the poor house...''

And he turned, kicking the ground and walking away, emotions swelling around him and moulding into a confusing spiral. Jack peered after him and gulped, his heart in his mouth. Sadness streaked his blue eyes. '' Alright...'' he choked out and then looked down again, his hands shaking too much to pack up the tent.

From behind him, Ennis violently sat down on a piece of wood and stared up into the sky, picking up a small log and bashing it against the ground before throwing it into the distance. He felt his heart go along with it.

***

Jack just couldn't let him go like that.

After his outburst about the money, Ennis had stormed off up the hill and sank down into the grass, his knees drawn up to his chest. Jack hadn't been able to do anything to stop him but once the tent was packed up and the horses were ready, he turned to where he was still sitting and sighed, his heart aching. He looked so vulnerable up there, a tiny figure against the huge, dominating mountain. The grass danced around him but he was barely moving at all, just staring into space with a frown on his face. Jack was beginning to feel very numb inside but as he saw him, his stomach felt as though it was coiling. He couldn't believe it was going to be this way. Ennis was going to slip through his fingers so easily. He couldn't stand it if their last day together was spent in silence. Their last day. Goodbye again.

Trying to block out his thoughts, Jack squeezed his eyes shut and leant against the horse for a minute or two, attempting to catch his breath. His legs were trembling and almost buckling underneath him and every time he went to move, they started to give way. The world was becoming very hazy around him and he didn't like it one bit, though he wished that he could leave real life for just one minute, spend the rest of the summer up here. With Ennis.

Moaning aloud, Jack slowly pulled away from the horse and glanced back up the hill, seeing the cowboy still sitting in the same position, his hat pulled low over his eyes. Jack's insides immediately gave a sharp tug and he found his hats groping for the rope on the horse's back, blue eyes glossing over. He had to make him smile. Just one last time.

It seemed like he walked for hours to get to the top of that hill but it reality, it must have only a matter of minutes. Getting up there felt as though he was climbing over all the obstacles in his life yet still, once he'd reached the peak, he saw more troubles lying ahead for him. There was no rest quite yet. He knew that all too well.

Running a shaking hand through his hair, he took the rope and made it into a loose lasso, throwing it gently over Ennis. He didn't move, not even look up, so he gave it a little tug. '' Time ta git goin', cowboy...'' he said softly to him though it didn't even feel like he was speaking anymore.

Ennis responded though and pulled the rope back over his head, standing up. Habitually, he tucked his shirt back into his jeans and began to walk away, facing away from Jack. Jack watched him, feeling as if there was a sudden huge chasm separating them, and then lazily threw the rope again, getting it caught around Ennis's ankles. Taking him by surprise, he playfully pulled on it and sent him tumbling to the grass. He couldn't help a little smile appearing on his lips.

Immediately, Ennis turned to him, a wild look in his eyes and though Jack couldn't read it, he continued to pull on the rope, making the cowboy writhe. '' Rodeo cowboy!'' Ennis exclaimed gruffly and then yanked on the cord, drawing Jack onto the ground. They began to roll over each other in the slightly damp grass in what started as a light-hearted wrestle but then, all too soon, turned dramatically into a fight for dominance, Ennis grasping and tugging at Jack's shirt with a furious gaze. Jack kicked out, hitting him back and before long they were brawling violently, struggling and thrashing under the other in a mass of arms and legs. Jack didn't understand what was going on but he could feel his skin being scratched and bruised through his shirt and his natural reaction was to hit back. Ennis held him down and he tried to resist but too strongly. Without knowing what had just happened, Ennis suddenly pulled away with his eyes narrowed. Jack saw a gush of red coming from his nose. He immediately paused and could only watch as the cowboy stumbled up, desperately trying to stem the flow with his shirt.

He hadn't meant to hurt him.

His eyes wide with regret, he abruptly stood up again and hurried to Ennis, reaching out for him with a much more delicate approach. Ennis immediately grasped him and pressed his face against his raised arm, letting the blood seep onto his shirt. '' Come here, come here...'' Jack found himself muttering. '' It's alright...''

He held his head as gently as he could but Ennis was still struggling, almost trying to pull away. He attempted to pull him closer, comfort him some more, but as soon as his hands slipped down onto his cheeks, cupping his damp face, he lashed out.

The next thing Jack knew he was lying back on the ground, his head in his hands as Ennis snatched up his hat from the grass and stumbled off back down the hill, blood still smeared underneath his nose. Moaning in pain, Jack couldn't help but watch him go before everything suddenly overcame him – every emotion, memory, thought and worry. And he couldn't do anything more than cry and cry until there weren't any tears left.

TBC