STAR TREK BELONGS TO THE OWNERS OF STAR TREK. IM NOT PROFITING IN ANY WAY. I ALSO PROMISE THERE ARE NO MARY-SUES IN THIS FIC.

"Scotty! Have you figured out what the devil is keeping my new iPod from working?" Kirk shouted into his little space-radio.

"Not yet, Captain. We can't find anything technically wrong with it, Sir,"

"Well, keep checking. There better be a good reason why my Kenny Chesney CD sounds muffled," Kirk ordered, glaring accusingly at the communicator in his palm. "And while you're at it, try and find out why Spock's is working fine."

"Yes, Sir. Scott out."

Kirk flipped his communicator shut and stowed it in his belt. He decided to examine to local flora and fauna. And by examine the local flora and fauna, he meant water the lilies. And by water the lilies he meant go wee. Captain Kirk strode purposefully a few steps forward, just for the heck of it, and then commenced to weeing.

"Heh heh heh, I'm Captain Kirk. Take that, little buggie on the ground. Who's overweight and a sexual predator now?" he chuckled good-naturedly, watering the lilies. He wished there were actual lilies on this planet, so it would be more satisfying. Somehow, without lilies it was just empty. Like Spock's soul. He shivered, and then jumped when his communicator began to chirp again.

"Kirk here," he half-screamed, still haunted by an image of Spock watching him watering the lilies.

"It's McCoy. Me and Scotty think we've got your whole ear-bud problem worked out."

"Bones! Really? That quickly?"

"Yep. It was a whole lot simpler than we thought. First we re-wired all the ship's systems except for life support and impulse-power to the microwave. Then we took apart and reassembled the bud three times. We tested it in Romulan, then Klingon, then Spanish. Scotty even tried drinking it under the table. Just when we thought nothing would work and we'd have to buy a new one, Spock came in and wanted to know what the yellow stuff all over it was."

"Well, that's wonderful!"

"Yes, it is. Your problem is earwax."

Kirk stood there a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. Earwax? What the devil? Did it need earwax to function, as a sort of organic energy source like...coal? Or cats? Kirk tried to think logically but the lilies were distracting him.

"Earwax!" he said to buy time.

"Yes, earwax was the whole problem."

"Earwax!" Kirk exclaimed, taken back. "Earwax! Hey, if you wanted earwax, why didn't you talk to Mr. Spock? I'm sure he's got a surplus!"

"Negative, Captain. Despite the prominence of my ears, it would be impossible find any such substance inside them." Spock said, stepping forwards with a smug look on his face. "I practice something you humans call 'hygiene.'"

Kirk glared.

"As do I, Spock. I'm just not anal about it."

"Anal, Captain?" the Vulcan retorted, raising an eyebrow. "I don't understand the relevance of the term."

"Nevermind." Kirk had just realized that he had watered the lilies in front of Spock. Damn him for being so quiet and unobtrusive. He wondered if it would be rude to make him wear some sort of clever notifying device, like a...bell. Or a cat. He shook his head frustratedly. Damn!

"Ignore what you just heard! Beam us up, Scotty. I'm getting sick of this landscape that looks suspiciously like southern California."

…..

Moments later, in the Transporter room.

Doctor McCoy and Lieutenant Scotty were waiting in the Transporter room when Kirk beamed aboard.

"Jim!" shouted McCoy.

"Bones!" answered Kirk joyfully.

"Captain!" slurred Scotty.

"Scotty!" he screamed back.

"..."

"...Spock?" Kirk looked behind him. "Hey, where's Spock? He's supposed to be here!"

"Wasn't he with you?" said McCoy.

"He was," Kirk said hauntedly, remembering. "Scotty, didn't I say beam us up? Did you miss him?"

"I'm not going to miss him," said McCoy dryly.

"Quiet, you blue-eyed sarcastic man."

"I'm not sure, Captain. I could have sworn I'd locked in on you lads..." the Scotsman examined the controls, worried. He hoped he didn't have to drink it under the table again because his liver couldn't stand another Transporter malfunction. He still had a bellyache from the communicator issue. It was tough being the only Scottish engineer aboard the Enterprise.

"Well?" Kirk said impatiently. He wanted to go snoop around in Spock's cabin and read his diary.

"It seems that Mr. Spock's atoms were misplaced while he was beaming aboard, Sir!"

"...and?"

"Captain, he's lost in space, that means! We've lost Officer Spock!"

"Oh no!" Kirk shouted. "That's terrible! How long will he be gone?"

"Well...until you find him? He's not coming back on his own, Sir..."

"Ah. I'll go to his cabin to investigate for clues..."

"But-"

"No buts! There is no 'but' in TEAM! Can't means won't!" Kirk said encouragingly, swelling with bravado. It made a man feel good to have all the right answers. And he was indeed a man. With answers.