Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; it is the property of Stephenie Meyer. The original characters and plot are mine. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Italicized means Bella's thoughts and those she can hear

Italicized bold means Edward can hear it also (wont be bolded unless Edward hears it!)

Chapter nine

Doubting love

As I entered the grand mansion from Alastor's past I realised I had been ignoring my mental family. I entered the main sitting room and found only Alastor; a few months ago every one was here almost every night. I sighed and sat beside him leaning my head on his shoulder.

I'm losing touch with all of you guys. I said sadly fiddling with the hem of gown I always wore here that matched this place perfectly. Elegant and lush, it was a startling deep red with intricate patterns sown on the bodice and full flared sleeves. When I had first dreamed of this place while joined with Alastor I imagined a party full of people all dancing and dressed wonderfully. Though the people never arrived, Alastor and I danced happily that first night.

We understand and accept that your place is with them. None of us mind, you enjoying reality, even if I means that we only interact with you while you sleep. Alastor's voice was light as he assured me. It saddened me that obviously they had discussed this and that I was losing them.

Can't I have both families? I asked knowing his answer. No tears I reminded myself as I wiped non-existent tears from my face. I knew what is to long for tears to realise some emotion and to not have them come.

Perhaps not, Bella. We can not interact with the others only you. He answered truthfully, and I leaned into his form and sighed. You seem upset about something else. Will you tell me? He asked and I looked up at him, he knew me so well.

I am beginning to doubt Edward. No more like I am beginning to doubt his intensions. He seemed obsessed with my purity. It's as though that is the most important quality to him. I fear that I love him more then he does me. That he loves me only because I am innocent... clean and yet love him. I voiced my fears to the man I considered my saviour and true father. I knew that he would tell no one unless it had to be told for my own safety.

You have nothing to worry about. He truly loves you; he will never be able to change the deep love he has for you. He is just displaying his fears for your soul when he relishes your innocence. He knows that to keep you that you must change into one of our kind. His words made sense but I couldn't completely believe that Edward the magnificent creature that he is could love me. I feared that even if he did now after knowing my past it would change.

The comparison between myself and him left me wanting myself to be more than I am. A plain girl that had a collection of lost souls in her head, a girl that had seen and felt horrible things, if the 46 human families didn't find enough reason to want me what chance did I have with this perfect one? Or with this perfect gorgeous talented and caring vampire family? Sure I could do neat parlour tricks and was bright but really was that enough to hold the attention of my greatest love, my Edward?

I kept these thoughts to myself knowing Alastor would comfort them and I had no desire for him to sooth me. I needed to tell Edward and have him sooth them, or leave. The thought burned me and once again I felt as though tears should fall from my dry eyes. I nodded at Alastor and he left me to my thoughts. If he did leave could I go back to my family and forget about this beautiful world I had glimpsed? Something deep within knew I was as altered by him as Alastor said he was by me though I hoped I could.

****

Waking after a night full of thinking I was more tired then when I had first laid down on my bed. I curled slightly into Edward's cold body as I tried to forget my horrible thoughts.

"Are you alright Bella?" he asked his voice full of worry. I pushed myself up to look into his eyes; there was too much pain there for it to have just been me moving towards him that had placed the emotion there. I felt my face and it was wet from the tears I hadn't shed in my dream. I nodded and tried to push a smile on my face, he didn't believe me for a moment.

"Just a hard talk with Alastor." I said half truthfully. "I have a feeling that I am loosing my mental family. I hardly interact with them anymore, and they are never in the parlour when I dream." I said trying to make my words and reactions match. He held me tightly to his chest and I prayed that he would hold me like this after I told him and the others of my past. Far too soon he pulled me away and I frowned at him.

"You will never loose us Bella. Even if they... fade as you said you will always have the rest of us." His words were soft as he consoled me and I tried to believe him as I nodded falling back to his chest. How was I going to tell the man I loved that I was more than what he believed?

"Edward?" I said hesitating, "Can we go to the meadow?" I would tell him first and see his reaction before I told the others. He nodded and smiled contently, happy that I enjoyed his meadow as much as he did. I just hope my words wouldn't taint this place for him. Maybe we should talk somewhere else, but it was too late and I couldn't take back my words.

Pushing myself up he realised I wanted to go now and moved to make it so I didn't have to climb over him to get out of bed. He left me to change with a quick kiss. Before I had moved a step closer to the closet Alice came in and sat on the bed.

"Bella?" she asked not her normal bouncy self. I knew she would see my decision to tell Edward so I looked at my hands trying to keep my emotions at bay. Her arms wrapped around me and I felt the tears start to run down my face. "It changes nothing whatever you tell us. I swear." She promised still hugging me fiercely; I nodded mutely praying that it was true. I just didn't know how it couldn't change everything. Once she untangled herself from me she smiled and went to leave the room to let me get dressed.

"He like the purple on you." She added before she vanished as the door shut. I laughed half heartedly at that it was nice that she was back to her old self. I quickly put on her recommendation and went to find Edward. His arms wrapped around my waist as soon as I left my room.

"She's right I do like you in purple almost as much as in blue." He said kissing the top of my head, "But what was that about?" he asked turning me to face him.

"We need to talk is all, I need to tell you something." I answered vaguely completely unsure of how to tell him. I pulled him towards the front door.

"You need to eat Bella." He said his voice careful and blank; he was worried about what I was going to say. The dunce still wanted me to leave him, to stay away from him. It was to protect me from his kind and what not else he said every time I rolled my eyes at him. If only he knew that I feared him leaving me not the other way around. I marched into the kitchen and kissed Esme's cheek before sitting down to my cereal.

"Morning Esme." I said as she poured the milk and kissed the top of my head. No matter how much I wanted to calling her mom didn't seem right.

"Eat up dear, then you and Edward can go." She said with only a touch of worry in her voice. They were concerned about what I had to say, as I looked at Emmet and Jasper after inhaling my breakfast I knew they were all worried about what I was going to tell Edward. I tried to push all of my jumbled emotions down as I smiled by at them.

Sitting in the car as he drove part of the way cause running made me nauseous. It was kind of him considering it took long to drive then run. I stared out the window and tried to organize my thoughts, it wasn't going well. Edward was so tense next to me and I kept looking at him out the corner of my eye to see he had actually turned to stone.

"Relax Edward. I'm not running away." I said finishing the thought in my head, though you might. I was sad that even though he nodded he remained rigid. We were off to a great start. The car stopped a few minutes after that and I tried to calm down.

"Bella your hearts pounding." He said his voice just as careful as before. I wanted to cry but pushed it down and tried harder to slow my heart. I smiled weakly at him and he didn't even bother trying to return one.

"Maybe we should just talk here." I said thinking of how this would ruin his special place. He looked at me and waited for me to begin. I stared out in front of me as I thought of the right way to say what I had to. "You know that I have lived in many different places, 46 before with you." I said and he nodded slightly. "Well, most of them were not the nicest places as I told you that day under the piano." I said hoping this was the right way to tell him my past.

"Yes." He said both encouraging me to go on and that he remembered that day. I nodded back and tried to empty my voice of emotion.

"What I didn't tell you is that Alastor wasn't always able to protect me. He did his best but it takes a lot to be able to join and I wasn't strong enough to..." I said trying to find the right words. There was a breeze against my face and suddenly I wasn't in the car anymore I was wrapped in Edward's arms.

"I won't let anyone hurt you Bella." He cooed in my ear. I wanted to just let it go and let him comfort me but he didn't understand he couldn't.

"No Edward. You have to know." I said forcing myself out of his arms. I knew he had let me but I walked away from him trying to collect my thoughts. I sat down on a fallen tree and started again. "I wasn't strong enough to help him help me. I was exhausted from constantly fighting. I just wanted the stupid man to kill me. I didn't realise what he wanted." I said tears streaming down my face as I tried to get the words out. Edward knelt in front of me pain clearly written in his eyes and on his face.

"I just let him... I didn't fight... I..." I said my voice cracking from emotion. I slipped to the ground and held Edward's face in my hands memorizing it. "When he was... done I was so ashamed and angry that I grabbed the lamp beside me and hit him. I didn't realise I had killed him with the one hit but I continued to hit him." I said feeling cold. "I ran from him and that house and hated myself, I just wanted to die." I said my voice even and as cold as I felt. Edward's eyes had snapped to my face as I spoke.

"Alastor forcibly took control to stop me. I just wanted to die. I should have died." I said voicing my thoughts forgetting he didn't know I had jumped from a bridge. "The water was cold but I relished it. For so long the pain was too much and every time I tried to make it stop Alastor forced me to stop." I said for a moment hating Alastor. Edward just sat there staring at me shock clear in his face.

"I'm a monster. He was asleep and I beat him to death." I said trying to make myself feel something. "When the found me on the shore I played dumb and they just thought I was a victim. They sent me back into the foster system as though nothing had happened." I finished seeing only the past. I was trapped in it, his face and hands I could feel them use me and throw me away.

"Bella." Edward sobbed pulling me into his arms, my eyes wide and my body rigid. I didn't understand I was a monster why was he holding me like I was everything? I was so shocked that I just stared at him. "I won't let anyone hurt you. You are my life!" he said fiercely looking into my eyes.

"But I..." I said knowing it was true. "I killed him because he wanted me." I said trying to understand Edward's reaction. He should be disgusted barely able to look at me. I was used, filthy a murderer! I shook my head as he held me tighter, tears flowing down my face.

"He hurt you, you defended yourself!" He said as I shook in his arms. "Bella you know my past how could you think I would hate you for this?" he pleaded with me.

"I hate me! I hate that Alastor forced me to live!" I sobbed in his arms. He made soothing patterns on my back as I calmed down. This was the reaction I wanted so why did I want him to hate me?

"I don't hate you Bella. I could never hate you. You were just protecting yourself." He said softly over and over until it stopped sounding like words and I just listened to his voice. By the time I was able to think the sun had long since left the sky and it was cold.

"Why?" he asked me without letting go. "Why would you try to end your life?" his voice cracked as he said this. I was limp in his arms resting my head on his chest.

"I didn't want to live as a monster capable of killing a man, even if he did hurt me." I answered in a whisper knowing he would hear me. The words still ring true, there has been many times since then that I have thought of ending my life. Mostly when one of my foster parents was abusive, and I wanted to kill them for what they did to me or anyone else in the house. They were the times hardest to ignore what I was capable of.

"You aren't a monster, I am more of a monster than you." Edward stated softly, I knew he had killed people but they were horrible people. And he had decided even then that he could no longer live that way.

"But you are strong enough to change, I've thought about harming others so often in my life that I know if pushed to far I would and could kill them." I answered shame rushing through me.

"But you didn't." He stated not asked. How could he be so sure that I hadn't killed anyone else? I closed my eyes.

"I am guilty of much. When I do manage not to act someone else pays for it with there life, I f I do act then I directly take I life. There's no way for it not to end without me as a monster." I said thinking of Jonathan so helpless and I let him die. Tears fell from my already red and swollen eyes. "I am responsible for so much pain." I mumble as I pressed my face into in cool chest.

"You are not responsible for the actions of others Bella. You can't control the outcome when your not the strongest in the fight." He said lifting me up and carrying me back to the car. "Your frozen." He said at my squeak. I lay there in his arms and tried to believe him. I wasn't responsible? Then how come I felt so guilty?

On the drive back I stared at him and realised I was a fool to think that he would leave. He had killed people before; it probably shocked him that I had too. But...?

"Why are you staring at me Bella?" he asked keeping his eyes on the road. He was angry but at me or what?

"Your angry." I stated and he flicked his eyes to my face.

"Not at you Bella. I just wish I had been able to protect you from all of that." He answered; I was relieved when he said this taking my hand in his. He still loved me.

"I love you." I said simply resting my head against the glass. He smiled at me and kissed me hand.

"As I love you." He said turning into the long drive. We were home and I was nervous again. What would Esme and Carlisle think of me? Would they be ashamed? "They love you Bella, this changes nothing." He said as he parked the car.

"Could you?" I asked not sure I could tell them what I had done. I wasn't even sure if I could handle being in the room. He nodded and opened my door for me helping me out of the car. I could stand on my own but my walk was shaky. Edward stayed close to me but let me walk up the steps to the front door when I was suddenly hugging Alice.

"Changes nothing." She whispered, I tensed and then relaxed into her hug. When she finally let go she led me to the front room and sat me down on the couch curling into my side, clearly not going to let go of me anytime soon. I was grateful for her support as the rest of the family entered the room, Esme flew to my side and I felt another pair of arms holding on to me. I must look like such a mess.

"Bella has something she wants me to tell you." Edward stated as their faces all turned to me each showing a different mask of concern. I held on to Alice and Esme as Edward spoke at vampire speed filling them in on my horrid past. Esme's grip tighten as she sobbed, I maintained my grip. My eyes never leaving my lap, I was just trying to survive their reactions.

"Good." Rosalie said as she sat on the floor in front of me lifting my face. "I hate that this happened to you and the pain it has caused but I am glad you killed him. He needed to die." She said and I knew she understood my pain, she had told me her story two months ago when she decided I should know. The only reason I had the strength to tell Edward was because she had told me. I smiled at her and she smiled back brushing the tears aside.

"If you hadn't of gotten we would be hunting him down baby sister." Emmet said his voice full of rage at a man long dead. I smiled as he called me baby sister, it was obvious that this hadn't changed anything with Emmet. Jasper stood next to him and nodded.

"You have nothing to feel guilty for Bella. You did nothing wrong." Jasper said using the same words Edward has chosen, I smirked at this but I was glad the Major was still with me. I felt Esme let go of me and turn my head to look at her.

"Never ever hurt yourself again!" she said kissing my forehead and cheeks. "I am not loosing you!" she said completely serious and I nodded. I was filled with joy that she loved me, truly loved me.

"Of course, mom." I said hugging her to me. I heard her gasp at my words and hug me tighter. She was my mom, I was sad that I thought so little of her to think she would love me less. As I let go of her my eyes landed on Carlisle he hadn't moved since Edward had finished talking. His eyes met mine and he came to me pulling me of the couch and into his arms, his grip tight and strong. These were arms that I felt safe in, loved. He said nothing as he kissed my head and held me. He didn't need to say a word as I felt his love pouring out of him.