Why the long wait? Well... Just read on, ok? XD

Chapter 2: Men

A few months had passed, yet still the Wei, Shu, and Wu armies were completely clueless as to what to do next.

The Giant Chicken single handedly ate four Shu forts, whole, and many of Shu's residents wondered why they heard the sound of bones crunching in the distance.

The men of Wei, meanwhile, hid underground, unwilling to let those giant globs of excrement dissolve them into nothingness. All life upon the surface of the central plains, other than the pigs themselves, was purged. Nothing could withstand the sheer magnitude of the biohazard that those pieces of shit proved to be.

As their airholes slowly got covered in that deadly brown substance, the Wei army decided to send a few diggers to dig a tunnel under the river, and emerge from the other side into Wu or Shu, where they could forge a temporary alliance with the other two nations in the hopes of saving China from this madness once and for all.

As for the men of Wu, well...

Jiang Qin continued to scrub himself with orange paste. "Are you sure this'll make me look less fat?" He shouted over his back.

Zhou Yu nodded, unwilling to look Jiang Qin in the eye.

"And that, by swimming in that river, I'll become the sexist beast alive?"

"Of course, now keep on scrubbing!" Zhu Ran answered for their commander.

Zhou Yu sighed as he turned to Lu Xun, who continued to shake his own head. "To think we have to resort to using shrimp paste on our catapult fodder in order to make those killer whales less rowdy..."

"At least we're sacrificing Jiang Qin, and not someone more useful." Quan Cong pointed out.

"What makes you so sure you won't be next?" Zhu Ran chuckled, and at that suggestion Quan Cong shivered.

"D-Don't say that! I'm sure He Qi's next, then Chen Wu, and maybe Pan Zhang, and then some other guy..." He stammered.

Zhu Ran laughed. "Nah, last time I checked Pan Zhang had a better record than you. You better start saying your prayers once Chen Wu starts covering himself in paste."

"And to think he finds this hilarious..." Lu Meng mumbled bitterly.

"Lord Liu Bei, that Chicken has gone too far. I alone shall engage it in battle." Zhuge Kongming, the greatest Prime Minister Heaven had ever known, or, at least, the self-proclaimed greatest Prime Minister Heaven had ever known, spoke as he struck a dramatic pose with his fan.

"Master Zhuge, if you are slain in battle, what will become of me?" Liu Bei whimpered.

"Do a few favors for Fa Zheng, and I'm sure he'll be more willing to help you."

"What... What kind of favors?"

Zhuge Liang wagged his eyebrows. "Has your rear been punctured yet?"

Liu Bei's eyes widened. "No... Not yet..."

"Then you'd better learn to enjoy it when I am late in my return."

Liu Bei gulped as Kongming walked proudly away.

And inside Wei's bunker, an interesting event happened.

"It's Lu Bu! Lu Bu's coming to kill us!" Yu Jin ran into Cao Cao's throne cave, his face contorted with fear.

"Hmn? Lu Bu?" Zhang Liao was confused. He once served Lu Bu, but now that guy was dead. What was going on?

At that moment, the man among men slammed himself into the room.

"I want money!"

Cao Cao stared at Lu Bu as though he was a talking rat. "Hmn? For what?"

"So that I can buy bigger spear!"

Cheng Yu started to giggle, but Li Dian hit him on the back of the head, knocking him out cold.

"Now now, General, no need to be rude." Another person stepped into the room.

"Chen Gong? It really is you!" Cao Cao jumped up, with sparkles in his eyes.

"Um, yeah..." Chen Gong blinked.

"You have no idea how much I missed you!" Cao Cao blushed.

Xiahou Dun glanced at Mengde. "But I... But I thought... Waah!"

And ran out the room crying.

Lu Bu stared after Xiahou Dun with a pitiful look in his eyes, while Chen Gong looked highly disturbed.

"Give it a rest, lover boy." Another person entered.

"Guo Jia? Finally, my harem is complete! My 300 wives are here, along with Chen Gong and Guo Jia. I can die a happy man!"

Chen Gong stared at the other strategist. "I guess we should have stayed dead, huh?"

Guo Jia blinked. "Why? Mengde's better than my wife at times."

At that point Chen Gong decided to shut up and slowly back away towards the cave's opening.

"Anyways..." Jia Xu cleared his throat. "Chen Gong, I assume you came here without the intention to kill us."

Chen Gong nodded slowly. "Well, I don't want to kill you persay, but I can't be too sure about my lord."

"I want MONEY!" Lu Bu demanded.

"I give you money, you fight for me, deal?" Cao Cao clasped his hands together.

"I understand! Now give me Money!" Lu Bu yelled back.

"NOT UNTIL YOU SERVE ME!" Cao Cao shouted.

"Well, I..." Lu Bu stopped and thought for a bit. "Chen Gong! What's that word again? I want money before I fight..."

Chen Gong sighed. "Will you agree to pay him in advance, Mengde?"

Cao Cao smirked. "Sure."

Chen Gong nodded. "Then it's a deal."

"Huh?" Lu Bu blinked.

"He'll pay you before you fight." Chen Gong sighed.

"Ok. I thank you, Cao Cao." Lu Bu bowed.

"No need." Cao Cao sneered. "No need."