Explanation: This chapter is not so much funny as it is a setup for the epic scenes that will come later.

Several historical characters will appear! Even if you hate history, well, I swear to you that you'll be loving this sooner or later! XD

Chapter 3: Old Fiends and New Friends

A man walked along the streets of Jian Ye. His armor was silver, and his face was rather rough. He carried a huge spear, with a sword and a battle ax strapped on his back.

He walked along, when a group of peasants started pointing at him.

"It can't be..."

"The King?"

The man turned to look at the peasants, and they started to squeal.

"Our King has returned after such a long sleep!" He heard them cry.

He blinked. How would they recognize him?

"Wait... I've been gone for how long...?" He asked them.

"For four hundred years we've been missing you, our great King!" They yelled.

He blinked as the peasants started to shout. "Behold! The King of Chu has returned!"

Liu Bei stepped towards Fa Zheng's quarters. "Master Fa?" He asked timidly.

The door opened to reveal a sleepy Fa Zheng.

Fa Zheng yawned in Liu Bei's face. "Your majesty, how may I help you?"

"Master Fa, lord Zhuge Liang is away."

"Yes?"

"So... So I would like your assistance."

"Oh, well, that's my job to assist you, is it not? Excuse me while I get dressed."

"But, Master Fa, would you, um, like me to assist you in getting dressed?"

At this point Fa Zheng cringed. "My lord, are you drunk?"

"No." Liu Bei blinked.

"Then, why..."

Liu Bei blurted out. "Because Kongming told me that you were gay."

Fa Zheng stared at Xuande for a moment. "And you believed him, after I've been serving you for years? ARSE!"

Xuande bowed his head.

"Arse! Arse! I'm sick of your dependence on Zhuge Liang. Listen to the rest of us for a change!"

Xuande groveled on the ground. "Forgive me!"

Fa Zheng stared at his Emperor for a few moments, and slammed the door.

Xiang Yu found himself mobbed by thousands of peasants.

"To find you walking among us once again in these times!" They cried, while he raised an eyebrow.

"I failed to lead you when Liu Bang took our freedom away from us. Why do you still put your faith in me?" (1.)

"Because you are our hope! You must help Emperor Sun Quan!"

"Jiang Dong has an Emperor now?" Xiang Yu was shocked.

"Yes, and he is of the Sun clan, descended from Sun Bin himself!" They replied.

"Sun Bin?" Xiang Yu blinked. "That great tactician?"

"Yes... The kind of man who you would never listen to." Another voice called from a distance.

"Fan Zeng..." Xiang Yu turned to him. "If I listened to you, Jiang Dong would have stayed strong and proud. Now we were forced to bow at Han's feet..."

"But that can be changed, my lord. You might have failed as the King of Chu, as the Lord of Jiang Dong, but if you support young Sun Quan, you can help Jiang Dong rise again." Fan Zeng nodded.

"I suppose I can... But how will we be able to join Sun Quan? I was once feared, and perhaps Sun Quan will be unwilling to have a monster in his ranks."

"But you are no monster, my lord." A woman's voice spoke among the crowd.

"Miao Yu? You are still alive! I am shocked!" Xiang Yu blinked. "I thought I lost you..."

Fan Zeng smiled. "It seems that we were all revived..."

Xiang Yu sighed. "Which means Lu Matong is probably alive, under Liu Bang's banner. If Liu Bang and Zhang Liang were revived as well, how will I be able to look him in the eye?"

"You can, as a man of Wu, as you have always been. Lu Matong is also a man of Wu. Would he so eagerly betray Jiang Dong?" Fan Zen spoke.

"I should hope not! We of Chu are not cowards!" Miao Yu spoke with stern conviction.

"And that is why she is the wife of a King." Fan Zeng smiled.

"Very well, let us go and help Jiang Dong stay independent once more. Those dogs of Han will never overcome us again!" Xiang Yu raised his spear and cheered.

Liu Bei walked around, as gloomy as ever. He left the city wearing a cloak, and as he wandered the streets of Hanzhong he bumped into another man with a cloak.

The other man's hood fell off, and Liu Bei gasped.

"Emperor Gaozu? How is this possible?"

Liu Bang stared at Liu Bei. "So you have now blown my cover." (2.)

Zhang Liang and Xiao He, who were standing nearby, also took off their hoods. "I guess fate has forced us to take action after all." Han's first Prime Minister sighed.

"Master Zhang Liang! My god, if Kongming was here to meet you!" Liu Bei was ridiculously excited.

The peasants of Shu had their jaws drop. Two Emperors, Han's first Emperor Liu Bang, and their current Emperor Liu Bei were standing in front of them, staring at each other.

Liu Bang eyed Liu Bei's clothing. "So I take it you are the boss of these parts."

Liu Bei bowed. "Yes, I am Emperor Liu Bei of Shu Han."

"Shu Han? Why not say 'Han' itself? Why add the name of a province?"

"Because much of China has been lost to Wei and Wu."

"Wait... Wu Province... Don't tell me, Jiang Dong has regained it's independence?!"

"Yes..."

"If he is alive, then Xiang Yu must be proud." Liu Bang's teeth ground together in rage as he glared to the east.

"But Wu is our ally!" Liu Bei insisted.

Liu Bang laughed. "The men of Chu and Wu are wolves. They will join together as a pack, but kill everyone else who is not part of their pack. They are nothing but animals, not men, and by allying with them you are only letting them grow strong while you grow naïve and weak. An idiot like you is clearly unfit to be Emperor. Let me be in charge!"

Liu Bei's face turned pale, but Zhang Liang spoke.

"A fool's decision, my lord. The people are too much in shock to trust you as their Emperor."

"You dare cross me? Do you want me to cleanse you of sin like I did to Han Xin?" Liu Bang threatened.

Zhang Liang kept his mouth shut. Liu Bei glanced at the former Prime Minister eagerly, but Zhang Liang made no move to say anything else. Xiao He also kept silent, as he did not know what to say.

Liu Bei cringed before Liu Bang, who drew a sword. "Let us see if you are worthy to keep Han in your hands, boy."

Liu Bei drew his blades. "I dislike fighting, but I do not want to give up Shu to you."

Zhang Liang shook his head. "Must such things be done?"

Xiao He only blinked.

Liu Bang laughed. "Who are you supporting, Zifang? Once I recruit that Zhuge Liang fellow, perhaps I'll get rid of you."

Zhang Liang only sighed. "I can only hope that you will not be the one to succeed."

Liu Bang scoffed, but Liu Bei, taking advantage of Liu Bang's foolishness, made his strike. Both swords hacked away at the Gaozu's arms, and he let out a screech.

"Now, are you willing to help me restore the Han?"

"And give it to a weakling like you?"

"And who among us is the defeated one?"

"Very well... But don't expect me to be proud of you, you worthless successor." (3.)

Zhang Liang bowed. "I will eagerly advise you as best I can. I hear many disasters have struck China in this age."

Liu Bei bowed. "Master Zhang, I will do what I can to have you and Master Zhuge save the Han."

Cao Cao sighed as he began to smell the damage from above.

"My lord! Our airholes are leaking, and the tunnel is far from completion!" Lu Qian warned.

"I want to kill!" Lu Bu yelled to no one in particular.

"Zhang Liao, whatever you do, don't let Lu Bu get near the tunnel's entrance." Cao Cao warned him.

Zhang Liao sighed. "That's impossible, my lord..."

"Then why are we building it, anyway?" Cao Cao moaned.

"So that we can get a bigger airhole?" Cao Xiong offered.

Cao Cao glared at the young man. "Xiong, if you weren't my son, I'd fire you. Remember that."

In front of the Sun palace, Xiang Yu stood uneasily with Fan Zeng and Miao Yu.

"So... Um... What should I say to keep Sun Quan from killing me upon entry?" Xiang Yu turned to Fan Zeng.

The strategist facepalmed. "Just be yourself."

"That's the point. He'll get intimidated, and he'll kill all three of us right there." Xiang Yu replied.

"Hey, Pops, isn't that?..." Another voice spoke.

"Son, I'll talk to him." A deeper voice spoke in turn.

Xiang Yu and Co were confused. "And who might you be?" Fan Zeng asked the two men in red who were walking towards them.

The older one smiled. "My name is Sun Jian, and I believe that you three will be of great service to us."

1. It's said that, on his dying breath, Xiang Yu turned humble, crying at the fact that he failed to keep Jiang Dong independent from Han. He cursed himself for letting so many of Jiang Dong's sons die in his service, and felt unworthy to live and return home because he made so many mothers cry over their children's deaths. Taking from this, I have made Xiang Yu a lot more humble because he knows that he failed, but now he's given a second chance to help Wu (Jiang Dong), and he will do his best. Knowing Xiang Yu, well, Lu Bu is screwed.

2. "Gaozu" means "First Emperor." Liu Bang is Han's Gaozu, but to shorten things I wanted to use Gaozu only, as that's a common nickname for the First Emperor of any dynasty. Zhang Liang is merely the first Prime Minister of Han, not it's Emperor.

3. Considering Zhang Liang's words: "Liu Bang is a man to stand beside in times of torment, but not one to celebrate with in times of success," well, I really don't think he's a good man. Don't worry, Xiang Yu's nothing like an angel, but I will portray his reasoning soon enough.