Chapter 5: Chicken Problems and the Beginnings of a Coalition (1.)

"Squawk!" With another fling of its wings, five battalions of Shu's troops were sent flying by the giant Chicken.

"We won't be able to hold the line for much longer..." Zhang Yi mumbled.

"General... Our soldiers are being thrown aside like toys, and every sixth one gets eaten by this chicken. We must retreat!" The Shu lieutenant in charge of the formation quivered in his boots.

"No... We cannot retreat. This battle must be won, or that chicken will overrun all of Shu's southern positions, and capital Chengdu will be threatened. We must protect our nation and our capital at all costs!" Zhang Yi spoke as he stabbed the butt of his spear into the ground.

The ships bob aimlessly as Wu's sailors and technicians run about frantically. Though the killer whales ate every vessel outside Jian Ye's harbor, they were smart enough to avoid the harbor itself. It's overflow of people meant that spears and arrows would be in abundance, after all.

Zhou Yu stood uneasily on one of those idle warships. His fingers tapped incessantly on the ship's railing as he thought of a plan... They had to find a way to take out those orcas... Somehow...

"Prime minister, that repulsive chicken has been spotted by our scouts. Shall we make our move?" Jiang Wei offered, bouncing up and down.

"No."

"No?" Jiang Wei's face drooped down like a puppy who was promised a bone that was immediately thrown a mile away after it did what was asked of it.

"No. Not yet. Bring me to the front." Kongming absent-mindedly waved his fan.

And so, Kongming's wheelchair clattered over to Zhang Yi's side.

"Sir, if that chicken gets any closer, we'll have to open fire." Zhang Yi gulped as Kongming stopped beside him.

"A veteran General like you need not be worried. I speak perfect Chicken." Kongming smirked.

As he rose from his wheelchair, Kongming yelled the following:

"Squwak! Sqwaak! Cluck. Cluck."

Stamping his foot, he added: "Squwak cluck cluck cluck cluckk caw caw cluck!"

Zhang Yi and Jiang Wei exchanged blank stares. The Chicken, for its part, gave Kongming a surprised glance, and replied:

"Squawk. Squwak! Cluck ccluucck SQUWAK! Caw! Caw! Squwak. Cock a doodle doo!"

Kongming's face turned pale. "Cluuck...?" He spoke timidly.

The Chicken stamped its foot on the ground. "Cluuck? SQUUAWK!" With a laugh, it added: "Squwakk."

Kongming immediately turned to his troops. "Fire at will, men! If not, then we shall all perish!" And with that, he jumped into his wheelchair. "Jiang Wei, push me back to the north, quickly! Hurry up, dammit!"

Jiang Wei and the other troops exchanged confused glances as they ran about. What exactly did the chicken say to get Kongming so terrified?

A horse smashed its way into the halls of castle Chengdu, and Liu Bei, who happened to be undergoing private activities with Lady Gan, was definitely not amused. With an annoyed face, Liu Bei stood and yelled at the rider. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"My lord! The Giant Chicken has crushed the Prime Minister's unit! Our forces are fleeing into the southern posts at Zhu Ti and Jiang Yang!"

"You mean to tell me that Yue Juan and the entire province of Jiao Zhou is no longer mine?! Blast it! Why did I hire Zhuge Liang anyway?!" Liu Bei groaned.

"Um... Dear... Shu would not exist if you didn't hire Zhuge Liang." Lady Gan spoke timidly.

"Oh... Right... Heh, I almost fired my best advisor. Ok, then. Send reinforcements to Zhu Ti, and have them try their best to hold off the Chicken." Liu Bei ordered, and the rider withdrew.

Sun Quan continued to cry in a corner of the Wu palace. "I can't be an Emperor anymore, and daddy, useless as he is, is the new Emperor... My life isn't worth living anymore."

Sun Shang Xiang shook her head. "Serves you right, you arse." She sighed.

Sun Jian and Sun Ce sat on their imperial chairs when Xiang Yu came strolling in.

"Ah, Xiang Yu, what would you like to say?" Sun Jian spoke. Since Xiang Yu had defeated Lu Bu in combat, he was easily Wu's best warrior and thus Jian decided to talk to him on nearly equal terms... And as the King of Chu it wasn't like he was any low rank to begin with.

"The King of Lies and his ministers would like to speak to you, Lord Sun." Xiang Yu nodded and stepped aside as Cao Cao, Guo Jia, and the rest of Wei's officers were ushered in.

"Lord Sun Jian..." Cao Cao nodded his head. "These are times of great torment for China. The flying pigs have annihilated the central plains, and therefore the people of North China greatly need your assistance. You have the wise Zhou Yu, the brave Sun Ce, the mighty Xiang Yu, and the beautiful Qiaos serving under you... Why not use their combined talents to help us?"

Shangxiang raised an eyebrow. Was this creep implying that her sister in law Da Qiao and Xiao Qiao could use their beauties to seduce enemy troops or something?

Sun Jian, however, nodded. "I see. So you want an alliance with us to save your sorry hides."

Cao Cao's face turned pale, but Guo Jia bowed low. "Yes, that is exactly what we're saying, my lord."

"What?!" Cao Cao hissed, but Guo Jia waved him off.

"Be quiet and let daddy do the work." The strategist shook his head.

"By what Generals Cheng Pu and Zhou Yu have told me, too often you turn your back on your allies. Now you know how I still have a grudge towards Han Xin for backstabbing me, even if it was mostly my own fault. However you backstabbed several people and it wasn't their fault. Why should we trust you?" Xiang Yu raised an eyebrow.

"A fine question, General..." Cao Cao stammered.

"King." Zhang Zhao corrected from behind Sun Jian as he absent-mindedly waved his fan.

"Sorry, King." Cao Cao bowed.

"So, are you going to answer his question?" Zhang Zhao asked with a raised eyebrow.

Xiahou Dun growled softly. "You're just so smug because you have Sun Ce and Xiang Yu watching your back... If neither of them were here I'd rip your spine out in seconds..."

Cao Cao glanced at Guo Jia. "Um... Back me up, please?"

Guo Jia smiled. "Great King of Chu, Emperor Sun Jian, we are well aware of the reputation we have unfortunately earned in the past, yet you must know the saying 'united we stand, divided we fall,' or the saying 'when the lips are gone the teeth are cold.' Today these flying pigs, that chicken, and those whales who have ruined your economy are all ganging up on the Three Kingdoms. Since we have not contacted Shu at the moment, it is in our best interest to unite against this common feral enemy. They are animals, literally, while we are Chinese people. They have chosen to make war with us, so, as Chinese, we shall unite to defend ourselves!"

Xiang Yu glanced at Sun Jian. "We can always just surround and kill them if we have to." He spoke loudly.

"I agree." Sun Shangxiang nodded.

"Meh, it's always better to make alliances than enemies." Sun Ce added.

"But we can't surrender..." Zhang Zhao frowned to himself.

"Very well. The nation of Dong Wu shall ally with the nation of Da Wei. Once we get Shu Han to help us, we'll become a coalition overnight!" Sun Jian raised the ancestral sword, and Cao Cao raised the sword of trust, and both men clashed their swords together, symbolizing their newly made, uneasy friendship.

1. Because we all know that this is a parody of two things: Warriors Orochi, and the old Chinese opera: Guan Yu VS Qin Qiong. Qin Qiong was a general of Tang (or so I hear) and Guan Yu is Guan Yu. Tang Dynasty happened centuries after the Sima Jin Dynasty was destroyed, so it would be impossible for them to meet and/or fight. That's why Xiang Yu, Han Xin, etc. were put in place of Qin Qiong, to make this a parody of that too.