A/N: Another chapter is here and I really like this one. It's a bit on the long side, but completely worth it. I promise. You might not like it all, it's going to keep some things going here…but trust me. I have a purpose and a plan for it all. No worries.

Disclaimer: I don't own GG…

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October 8, 1989

Oh my god, I didn't think this day was ever going to end. Oh hell, I didn't think this week would ever get over. My baby's fifth birthday was quite an eventful…um, what's the word to use…let's try this, disaster. Yeah, I think disaster pretty much covers it. I swear Maddie, I'm not exaggerating either. Not even a little bit.

I guess I should start out at the beginning and explain. It would make much more sense if I explained what has happened. So, it all started with the promise I made myself and Rory to call my parents before her fifth birthday. I wanted her to have the chance to know them. I mean, she deserves that, right? Well, I sure thought so. I called my dad's office, knowing that was probably the best way to get a hold of them without having my head separated from my body.

Dad seemed surprised to hear from me. I couldn't really blame him though. I mean, it's been so long since we've talked. Since I've even tried to make contact really, so I guess it made sense to go through it that way.

I told him exactly what I wanted, to have dinner with him and mom with Rory so that they could see her, meet her, and just so they can spend time with her and visa-versa. He seemed very excited, very happy about it, but at the same time, very reserved. He had to talk to mom, which was of course, expected, but I was so nervous about that.

That is probably why I called him and not her. I don't know if I could have gotten thru a full conversation with her. Probably because I haven't spoken to her in about five years. Yeah, I haven't actually spoke to her since I left Hartford that fateful night.

Honestly, I was so scared to even try to bridge the gap between us. I mean, I wasn't sure if I had damaged the relationship to the point of no return. And with it all, I was probably right to have my concerns. Let's just say the air was icy.At the dinner.

I'll skip the middle ground, basically all that contained was the agreement to dine with them at the house in Hartford tonight, just like all the 'family' dinners I had to attend growing up. It was hard agreeing to that. I honestly was hoping that they might come to Stars Hollow, though I didn't necessarily want that either.

I think I was trying to sabotage myself. I mean, I wanted to have dinner with them, I did…sorta, but at the same time I was really hoping that they didn't actually follow through.

I shouldn't have doubted them.

That mistake was on me. We arrived at the house at ten till seven and it took me about a full eight minutes before I got the confidence up to actually ring the doorbell. Rory kept looking up at me wondering what was happening and why I was hesitating. When I finally rang the doorbell we were greeted by an unfamiliar maid, which different surprise me and then drinks were given.

I'm telling you though, ice, complete ice.

Conversation was strained. Jabs were taken, subtly of course, but they were definitely taken. I knew that I was risking that though. The jabs at me, the condensation, the anger my mother felt, all of it, I knew what I was risking in giving Rory that opportunity.

Dad dotted on her, quite nicely, and mom even too. I mean, when they were talking about Rory or talking to her you could tell that they love her. I know they do, that was never a question really. I don't think I ever questioned that. Not really. I mean, as much as I screwed up and I know that their bitterness has a lot to do with my mistakes.

But they've made mistakes too. Shouldn't they have to deal with them? They won't though. They never will it's not in their world.

I was so glad to finally leave. It was the longest 2 and half hours of my life. I was so desperate to leave, but then felt guilty too. I mean, as much as I didn't want to, I felt bad for wanting to leave, for wanting to take my daughter and run again.

I guess that is why I offered to start coming around again. Not much mind you, but on holidays or such. Rory deserves to have a relationship with them. I know I keep saying that, but it is true. It really is. I've so mixed up right now. I want to give my daughter a chance to know her grandparents but I selfishly want to keep running in the opposite direction. I don't want to risk letting myself get pulled back into that world, their world. I don't think I could handle that.

That life crushed me. It suffocated me. That is why I ran to begin with. I couldn't stand to be suffocated anymore. I needed to get out, to be able to breath on my own for once in my life. I promised myself that Rory would never have to deal with that same suffocating pressure. I want her to have the freedom to chose her life and make it her own.

To have the chance to do things that I never got to do. Which really may sound odd, because I got to do a lot as a child, I can't lie and say I didn't live a blessed life, because I did. I just didn't necessary like the blessings that always surrounded me.

What a horrible, selfish person I must sound like.

Dad tried to give me money tonight. I love and hate him for that. I mean, he's just trying to be a good dad, I get that, but at the same time, I don't want to rely on them. I haven't relied on them for five years now. Why should I start again?

I'm not going to Maddie. Which is why I didn't take it. The check I mean. I don't think mom knew that he was going to offer it to me. She probably wouldn't have approved. But that doesn't matter. The gesture was kind, but I couldn't accept it.

I'm glad that I'm now at home, curled up on my couch, with a large cup of coffee next to me, safe. I feel safer now here, by myself, than with my parents. Ever.

I feel like an evil daughter. I shouldn't feel this way about my parents, should I?

"Lorelai?" Luke's voice called from the foyer, "You in here?"

"Yeah," Lorelai answered calling him in, "I'm in the living room. What are you doing here?"

"I figured you probably had a rough night and could use some company. Am I wrong?"

"Not all at," Lorelai laughed, "especially if you brought chocolate with you."

"I'd never walk into this house without something for you," Luke joked, "to eat at least. I have this really amazing chocolate pudding pie I thought you might like."

"Might?" Lorelai scoffed, "try love. Grab a couple forks from the kitchen please and get that butt of yours in here with the chocolate. I so need a break from all this emotional stuff from tonight."

"Was it really that bad?" Luke asked from the kitchen and Lorelai nodded, realizing that he couldn't even see her. "I know you've been dreading it all week."

"It was bad," Lorelai stated simply. "It was completely predictable. Subtle jabs at me all night from my mother, who hasn't approved of a single thing I've done since the 7th grade and my father trying to buy my love with a check for twenty thousand dollars. It was like every other family dinner at the Gilmore residence."

"Wow," Luke breathed coming back into the living room with the requested pie and forks, "what a blast."

"Oh yeah," Lorelai rolled her eyes and dove into the pie. "This is amazing Luke, thank you!"

"You're welcome," Luke smiled and Lorelai could have sworn she saw a blush rise on his cheeks, but as soon as she looked it was gone again and he started to speak again. "I just wanted to be here for you. You're like the only friend I have in town and I want to be here for you."

"You have no idea how much I appreciate that," Lorelai whispered. "And I'm not your only friend, you have Kirk."

"Oh please Lorelai," Luke groaned, "Kirk and I are not friends."

"You aren't?"

"No."

"You sure about that?"

"Yes."

"I'm not so sure."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, that no matter how hard you try to deny it, I think that Kirk is really your friend. Maybe not in the conventional way, but all in all, you can't ignore that forever."

"Why do you think that? What, in your twisted way of thinking, makes you believe that I'm actually friends with Kirk Gleason?"

"How long have you known him?"

"Since grade school."

"Okay. You've known him since you were kids, you spend time with him, he follows you everywhere, and wants to be you…sounds like a friendship to me."

"It just sounds like he's a weirdo stalker to me," Luke laughed, "which actually now doesn't really shock me."

"You're horrible," Lorelai gasped and slugged his shoulder playfully, "I'm going to be there the day you finally realize that you have a friendship with Kirk, as weird of one as it might be, and I'll be able to say 'I told you so'."

"How funny you must think you are," Luke chuckled. "If I ever have that moment I think I'll kill myself before you actually get a chance to say that."

Lorelai leaned back against the couch and smiled, "we'll see about that."

"Sure will," Luke answered leaning back next to her. "So…"

"I really don't want to talk about it," Lorelai began and she heard Luke sigh next to her. "I just…I knew it was a bad idea. I did and yet I went anyways."

"And you'll be glad you did after the shock of everything wears off," Luke assured her, "I mean. You have given Rory a chance to really know her grandparents and build a relationship with them. You should feel good about that."

"What if I said I didn't feel good about it," Lorelai exclaimed, "how horrible of a mother am I?"

"You are not a horrible mother," Luke commented and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, "You are the best mother I know. You remind me a lot of my mom actually."

"Oh Luke," Lorelai sighed and leaned against him, "thank you. You have no idea what that means to me. It definitely makes tonight more bearable."

"It's what I'm here for," Luke answered and pulled away. "So, I have a question for you…"

"Of course."

"I want you to come to California with my family for the wedding," Luke told her and Lorelai focused her eyes on her hands which sat in her lap. "You're my closest friend and I want you there."

"Luke…"

"I know it's a strange request," Luke interrupted quickly as he started pacing, "but…I don't know. It just doesn't seem right if you don't go."

"I can't."

"But…"

"Luke," Lorelai interrupted, "I'm so thankful that I have you in my life and we've built a friendship that will last a lifetime, but I can't be your closest friend anymore."

"Why?"

"Because you are engaged," Lorelai said simply with a shrug, "and your future wife should be your closest friend. She has to be the one that fills that spot now."

"Lorelai…"

"I'm sorry Luke," Lorelai finished, "I just…I can't. And I know you don't understand this, I'm not sure I even do completely. But I can't go to the wedding. It will be a great ceremony and I'm so happy for you, and I'll be here to celebrate with you and Kara when you get back. But…I just…I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I'm not sure it is," Lorelai said with a shrug, "but thanks for understanding."

"I didn't say I understood," Luke said with a bitter tone, "but its okay. I should probably go."

"Yeah," Lorelai whispered sadly, "I guess you should. Luke, look I'm sorry…"

"Don't apologize Lorelai," Luke interrupted her, "don't. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah you will."

"Good. Give Rory a hug for me."

Lorelai nodded and hugged her arms to herself as she watched Luke gravitate towards to door, seeming almost defeated. She heard the door shut and sank down into the couch again and sighed. Her hands were shaking as she picked up her diary again.

I don't know what came over me tonight. Luke just left and right now I feel so horrible. Why didn't I say yes I'd go to the wedding? As his friend I should have gone. He wanted me there, I should have gone. Maybe I still should. I mean. It is going to be hard. And as much as I don't want to admit it, I have to now. At least to myself.

I think…I think I've fallen in love with my best friend.

What in the hell am I going to do Maddie? He's engaged. Engaged. He's getting married, in December. God, what timing I have. It makes me sad that I didn't meet Luke before. Before he was engaged, before…just before.

I wish that I could have had my first kid with someone that I truly loved. I don't regret Rory, or the joy that she brings to my life, but sometimes I wonder. I can't help but wonder about what life would be if I would have waited to start a family…not that Rory was necessarily planned, but…

So many questions and thoughts.

But I guess what is really on my mind now is the fact that I'm in love with someone that I've grown exceptionally close to over the last six months or so, who is engaged.

God, I'm in love with someone who is engaged. What in the hell was I thinking?

I wasn't. That seems to be my problem. I tend not to think things through all the way. God.

I'm such a mess.

What am I going to do? I have no idea. As much as I want to know and as much as I want to make sense of it all, I can't. I refuse to be a home wrecker. It looks like I'm just going to have to bury this. These feelings, I just can't act on them. I can't think about them or let them fester.

I just need to find someone else to date. That will help me get my mind off of all this. I just wish it was that easy. But it isn't.

Life never is.

But I've survived worse, you know? I'm a survivor. It's what I do.

I just wish, for once, that I could have someone there to save me. To give me a chance to lean on them. To not have to face life on my own.

I just don't know if I'll ever find it.

I want to. Find it. That love that will survive anything and be the stronghold for life. To have what William had with Leah. I want that. What girl doesn't?

Man, the first guy I fall in love with has to be engaged. What kind of karma is that?

At least I have him as my friend. That will have to do.

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A/N: So she finally admitted it to herself. I guess that is always the first step, isn't it? I guess you'll just have to wait and find out what happens.