Chapter 2: Mario in SPACE

So Mario had to put the world back together which was going to be a tough task because the world is made up of some pretty large chunks of stuff and water and people and animals and hot pockets.

"I shall consult the Oracle!" said Mario, and Mario went off to find an oracle but the best he could find was an old gypsy fortune-teller booth and Mario said "Hey gypsy, tell-a me what my fortune is regarding saving the world because I am a plumber and plumbers do that all the time!"

"First you must make toast! Then you must make bread out of the toast! Then you must strangle a dinosaur with your bare hands! Finally, you must go into the heart of the sun, so you had better set your controls for that!"

"Awww, all that sounds too difficult, when do I get to the saving the world part already?"

"Right NOW!" and suddenly Mario was in a huge room with a bunch of ravenous tyrannosaurus rexes!

"Oh no! I guess I have to strangle them now!" said Mario and he tried to strangle one but he realized he didn't know how so he decided to pause the game and read the instruction manual to find out that he wasn't able to strangle dinosaurs, only jump on them. "This stinks! I knew I should've bought the Game Genie!"

"Did someone call for a GAME GENIE???" and just then the blue genie from Aladdin appeared.

"Quick Blue Robin Williams, you have to help me! I'm-a gonna be eaten by dinos! Also I-a keep forgetting my stereotypical Italian accent, mama mia spaghetti lasagna tortellini!"

"Sorry, pal, all I do is star in lousy movies like Toys and Man of the Year!" and he disappeared in a poof of bad comedy.

Mario then discovered a tar pit flower and created massive tar pits to trap all of the t-rexes in thus saving him from certain destruction! "That was kind of neat but now I need to figure out where I am!" so Mario walked along until he saw a big sign that said "Jurassic Park: Now with 100 percent less annoying fat computer nerds."

"Oh no! I am in a lame series of action movies! The world really DOES need saving!" and so Mario decided to use his fists to punch a tunnel through the ground until he came across a mysterious black box noted for its mysterious properties in such famous books as "What a Weird Box!", "Seriously! What's In It?", "I Want that Box!", and "The Redberg Michigan Telephone Directory."

Mario didn't care about any dumb old mysterious box so he set it on fire which caused the box to explode and shoot Mario up into the stratosphere where he discovered that the world had been reformed! "Wow! I did a pretty good job if I do say so myself!!!"

So he re-entered the atmosphere which was really hot and all of the flesh burned off Mario's body and he landed as a skeleton. "Neato! Now to find the Princess!" and he tried to walk but all of his muscles were gone so he just collapsed.

Meanwhile in outer space Luigi was still floating around trying to figure out how to get back to Earth when suddenly he found a giant rock. "I will ride this rock down to the earth's surface and then I will be able to be back! On the earth's surface!" So he surfed on the rock and did some cool stunts and got a contract to star in Mountain Dew commercials but before he could sign the contract the rock hit the earth and caused a huge boom and all the dinosaurs that hadn't already been killed died again, and Luigi got off, coincidentally right next to the Mushroom Kingdom which was now whole and unharmed!

"Now I will try to find the Princess!" Luigi said so he walked into the castle and discovered that Peach was there and she was hiding a ??? on her chair.

"What is that weird-a thing?" Luigi said and the Princess was so shocked and outraged and shocked and shocked and outraged at Luigi being in her room that she screamed for 40 days and 40 nights after which time a huge ship crashed into her bedroom wall. It was Bowser again!

"Howdy Princess, I have you set up for a 5 PM kidnapping, hope that's all right with you."

"Not so fast!" said Luigi. "I'm going to beat you up and beat you and stomp on you and kick you and beat you and bite you and burn you and beat you and kick you until you stop moving forever permanently!"

"That's a bit too permanent for my liking," says Bowser. "Tell you what; you can just walk this plank over here and you'll receive riches beyond your wildest dreams."

"Well OK sure I'll do that even though I can just get free coins from those weird question mark block thingies." So Luigi walked the plank and he fell into a deep pit and at the bottom of the pit was a lake containing a bunch of fish and also Mario who was now in his frog suit.

"Quiet, Luigi!" he said. "I'm-a trying to catch some sardines so I can make myself a pizza!"

"The Princess just got kidnapped, who cares about food?"

"I care about food! I want a pizza! A big pizza pie, big as a moon in an eye, and amore and all that jazz."

"You can get cake from the Princess!"

"A pizza cake???"

"No I think just a regular style cake but anyway I think I'm starting to drown now blub blub" and Luigi drowned.

Mario ignored his brother's untimely demise and caught a big red fish which was so angry at being caught that it turned into a giant winged demon thing probably Satan but possibly not because I don't know if Christianity exists in Mario's universe. "I AM THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS" said the fish-demon. "I AM GOING TO CRUSH EACH AND EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY INTO A FINE POWDER WHICH I WILL THEN SNORT LIKE COCAINE BECAUSE DOING DRUGS IS COOL AS IS FAILING SCHOOL."

"A fairy!" said Mario. "OK I want you to grant me my wish my wish is that I appear in my house eating a big bowl of something stereotypically Italian because I am hungry."

"WISH GRANTED oh wait no what I'm not a fairy I'm a demon" but it was too late and Mario was back in his house with some pasta on the table.

"Mama mia, this is-a some good pasta! But wait a minute! I have to save the Princess or my name isn't Horatio Alger!"

So Mario blazed over to Bowser's Keep and knocked on the door of it so hard that the entire castle collapsed. "Golly!" said Mario. "I GUESS that counts as rescuing the Princess," so Mario went back home and started eating when he received a phone call!

"I wonder who that could be!" said Mario.

"Hello it is me Peach I am now in Cancun with Luigi and we are having an amazing time never show up ever Mario you big jerk."

Mario hung up the phone angrily. "OOOOH THAT LUIGI. I'M-A GIVE HIM A WHAT-FOR. But first I'm gonna finish eating this sub. It's a meatball sub you know. I'm Italian."

TO BE CONTINUED