CHAPTER 3: HOT DAYS AND HOT NIGHTS

So Mario traveled to Mexico to find and beat up that no-good Luigi and then take the princess home for a little something something though he wasn't sure what that something was but it probably involved lasagna or ravioli but anyway he traveled to Mexico and he realized that he couldn't figure out exactly where in the world Cancun was.

"Mama mia!" he shouted! "Now I'll never find that Carmen Sandiego!"

Just then she popped out from behind a tree and said "FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES" and before Mario knew it he had been bitten because Carmen Sandiego was a vampire now and turned Mario into a vampire.

"Mama mia, I vant to suck blood? Oh no! My crazy accent is growing weirder!"

Since Mario was a vampire now he had to go out and find some blood so he crashed into a supermarket and started terrorizing people asking for blood until he finally stalked down what he wanted in one of the aisles of the supermarket and started devouring messily! But just then one of the employees walked up and was like "hey Mario you're not a vampire you're drinking tomato juice you're just regular Mario!" and Mario felt really embarrassed, so embarrassed that he jumped off the Empire State Building and crashed through the Earth's surface into its core, causing him to die and the Earth to explode again but this time God fixed it with some superglue so everything turned out OK.

Meanwhile in Cancun, Peach was sitting on the beach tanning herself much to the delight of a whole bunch of perverts on the internet when she suddenly had a thought. "Luigi!" she said since Luigi was laying right next to her drinking some Zima and staring out at the waves, "I want to become a world-famous poet!"

"OK babe whatever you say" Luigi said, flexing his non-existent muscles.

"Stop pretending you're Sylvester Stallone!"

"I thought I was imitatin' Sylvester Cat!" and just then a yellow bird appeared which caused Luigi to immediately chase after it and accidentally fall into the ocean and drown.

"Oh well time to become a poet now!" said Peach and so she got a Livejournal account and started wearing black clothes and lots of eyeliner and started writing things like "crawling in my skin, these wounds will not heal" and "i cut myself but i still feel nothing" and "blood blood blood pain pain hurt hurt ouch pain hurt stab wounded die" and she became an instant internet celebrity who was on a bunch of shows like that one show were C-list comedians make fun of pop culture or that one dumb show in the morning that bored housewives watch or that show where Drew Carey is Bob Barker on The Price is Right.

That last one was pretty important because Peach got to win a brand new car and so she started driving around southern California when she saw a scraggly hitchhiker on the side of the road. "Since I am so famous and wonderful, I won't even bother to pick up that hitchhiker, I'll just run them over!" so she tried to run the guy over but right before she did so a meteor fell out of the sky and blew up her car and threw her into a desert in Arizona. So for hundreds of days Peach had to crawl out of the desert on her hands and knees begging for water and forgiveness and composing poetry about how the sand was making her cut wrists itch. Finally she came across an oasis where Luigi was sitting drinking another Zima.

"Hey Peach how's that whole poet thing going?" said Luigi.

"It stinks I'm going to become a lawyer instead."

"OBJECTION!!!" said a voice from a palm tree and Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney fell out of the tree and accidentally impaled a dog on his objecting finger.

"Well why can't I be a lawyer huh???" said Peach.

"Nobody is allowed to be a lawyer if they're already a Princess!" said Phoenix.

"Oh yeah I'm a princess hmmm I wonder how the Mushroom Kingdom is doing."

Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario was eating some gelato (which is Italian of course) when he decided to stop by Peach's place and discovered that Peach wasn't there anymore but was gone! "What a weird turn of events? I wonder where Peach is??? Oh yeah she ran off with Luigi whatever."

Mario sat on Peach's throne when suddenly a huge parade and fanfare started up. "CONGRATULATIONS!!!" said a voice out of nowhere. "YOU HAVE JUST BECOME THE NEW RULER OF THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM!!!"

"Wow, really? Cool! Now I can have all the pasta I want!"

And so Mario started a harsh and cruel regime as ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom, forcing everyone in the kingdom to grow nothing but ingredients used in Italian cuisine, then do nothing but make Mario Italian food 24/7 until he had grown to the size of a small building in terms of mass."I DEMAND-A MORE FOOD" said Mario angrily when suddenly Bowser showed up wearing a plumber's outfit.

"Not so fast! I, the beloved hero Bowser, am going to defeat you, King Mario!"

"Huh? Wait a minute this doesn't make any sense" but it was too late and Bowser stomped on Mario's head, crushing him and earning 100 points in the process. The denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom were overjoyed and lavished gifts and praise upon this bright young upstart Bowser which turned him into an evil and narcissistic creature which is how Bowser became the evil King Koopa but that's another story entirely!

At any rate, Peach made her way back to the Mushroom Kingdom when she noticed that Bowser had taken over again! "Oh geez not again" she said angrily. "Oh well, I might as well get this over with" so she stomped into her castle where Bowser was playing Sonic the Hedgehog on his Sega Genesis and said "Bowser get out of my castle!"

"Too late, Princess," said Bowser, "Mario's already dead so you can't stop me ever!"

"Oh yeah?" said Peach. "I think it is YOU who are dead!" and Bowser dropped dead.

Now that she had regained her kingdom, Peach set about to reconstructing it, and everything was turning out fine and dandy and normal when a dark cloud appeared on the horizon. "Oh my!" she said. "What is that dark cloud?" She went out to investigate it and discovered that it was just a storm cloud and she got hit by lightning a couple times. "Owie owie owie" was the Princess's reply.

So she walked back to her castle and decided that she was going to go to bed so she sat down and undressed and had Sigurd put to death since he was creepily peeking into her window and was about to go to sleep when she heard a really frightening noise from outside! She peeked out the window to see what the noise was and discovered that the Mushroom Kingdom was now under attack by the biggest and meanest dragon ever! What was she going to do?

TO BE CONTINUED