CHAPTER FOUR: STOP DRAGGIN' THE PRINCESS AROUND. HAHAHAHA GET IT IT'S A JOKE.

So the big huge mean dragon slammed his tail into the castle and it crumbled like a big cake that had been sitting out in MacArthur's Park and the Princess fell 80 feet and landed in a pile of rubble. She got mad and said "Alright you big meanie head dragon I'm going to use my pretty princess powers against you!" and she underwent an elaborate transformation sequence beloved by little girls and middle-aged perverts and became Super Sailor Pretty Kitty Ranger Tokyo Mermaid Golfclap Handshoe Buttface Princess Peach and struck a pose. "In the name of the moon, I will order some Indian food!" she said. "Then I'll kill you!"

Meanwhile, on another planet, Mario woke up with a shock. He had forgotten to eat last night and was now tiny and completely useless! "Mama mia! I need-a power mushroom! Gotta have-a my fix!" So he walked to the corner of 53rd and 3rd and came across his old friend and pal Dee Dee Ramone. "Hey, do you know where I can-a score some smack?" said Mario.

"Blurf" said Dee Dee in response because he was dead and a zombie.

"OK cool" said Mario and so he walked away and found a power mushroom and grew so huge that he punctured the planet's atmosphere and banged his head against a black hole. "Now to go find-a some pizza!" said Mario and he swam through space until he came across another, bigger black hole and got sucked into it forever.

Peach, meanwhile, was eating some roasted dragon leg when she got a phone call from Lionel Richie except it wasn't actually Lionel Richie it was just Luigi in drag. "I have found the antidote!" Luigi exclaimed.

"Wonderful!" said the Princess. "Now I will come over and retrieve it and also bring Toad along because he needs the antidote badly!"

So Princess drove over in her little red corvette and found Luigi sitting on a barstool drinking whiskey. "Here's the antidote right here" said Luigi as he pulled out a bottle about as big as King Kong from his pocket.

"Wonderful!" said Peach, "I will give it to Toad right now!" and so she forced Toad to drink all of it and he underwent a transformation and instead of being a short mushroom man he was transformed into a hard-bodied male model and Peach was so turned on by this event that she went into hysterics and ran around the room screaming at the top of her lungs while flailing her arms.

Just then, Bowser crashed in through the wall and said "yo, sup" but Princess was already in a coma from screaming too hard.

"Oh well I'll just kidnap you" said Bowser and he tried to pick up Toad but he shattered like glass.

"OK then I'll just kidnap you" said Bowser but Luigi was already all the way in Acapulco slamming jello-shots out of hookers' bellybuttons.

"FINE THEN I'LL JUST KILL MYSELF" said Bowser and he put a gun to his head but then Mario crashed through the ceiling and said "NOT SO FAST BOWSER!!!" and accidentally impaled himself on one of Bowser's head horns and died.

"Like, whoa" said Bowser and suddenly the Matrix imploded all around him and there was all sorts of green flashy stuff and special effects and pseudo-intellectual writing and Bowser became one with the Universe but he accidentally underwent a big bang and was exploded into a billion pieces, one of which became Earth, where Luigi was sitting around acting bored because all of the hookers had suddenly died due to being bored of Luigi.

"I think I will go into that spooky haunted mansion!" said Luigi and he went to the front door but the doorman said "do you have a ticket" and Luigi said "no" and the doorman got really angry and kicked Luigi out of Disneyland.

"Well that sucks!" said Luigi. "Now what am I gonna do here in Florida?" and suddenly an alligator arrived and vomited up Princess Peach.

"Hi Luigi! Let's go have a picnic in the swamp!" she said while picking bits of dead bats and rats and cats out of her hair.

"OK!" said Luigi so they went into the swamp and ordered a taco and they received it and ate it. "Now what shall we do?" said Luigi.

"Why don't we do it, right here, right now, and never stop ever!" said Peach and Luigi started to agree but just then Mario drilled up from the Earth's crust!

"So!" said Mario. "My brother and the princess, about to do the nasty behind my back!"

"Oh no!" said Peach. "What shall we do?"

TO BE CONTINUED