CHAPTER 6: KNIFE
So Mario decided to go after Luigi and Peach with a knife and Peach was like "OH NO LUIGI WHATEVER SHALL WE DO" and Luigi was like "I got-a an idea!" and Luigi called up Nintendo Headquarters and they sent out some keystone cops to throw pies around and also arrest Mario for having a weapon in a Nintendo game. Mario got a game over screen and lost a life and was thrown in jail where he met a strange old man. "Mama mia! What're you in-a for?" said Mario, who was already craving some pasta. "I'M AN OLD LADY" said the old man. "BEGONE PEASANT" said Mario and the old man was replaced by a hardened convict with a heart of gold. "Have you seen my wife, the hooker with a heart of gold?" said the hardened convict cheerfully. "I don't-a understand-a what's-a going on-a here" said Mario sadly.
Meanwhile, out in the Serengeti, Luigi was doing his mating dance to woo Peach. In a scene heavily reminiscent of that cult classic Tarzan Meets Tony Monero, Luigi jumped and swooped and breakdanced and gyrated and swung from a vine. Unfortunately he accidentally fell off the vine and into a crocodile's mouth, which is not something you should do if you are looking for a mate! So Luigi died and Peach found a nice African fellow to be her mate and they lived happily ever after until World War III started and Adolf Hilter XXIII rounded up all the Africans for another holocaust.
Back in jail, Mario was hatching a harebrained scheme to get out of jail, because being in jail is not pleasant! So Mario jumped off the top bunk of his bed and tried to break the bricks in the ceiling with his fist but instead he just broke his hand which hurt pretty bad. Then it was lunchtime and Mario was herded into the cafeteria where he was fed a diet of slop and mush. "What? This isn't Italian!" said Mario.
"Oh yeah well what are you gonna do about it?" said the lunch lady who had a big moustache and was named Earl.
"I'm-a gonna SCREAM!!!" said Mario and he screamed so hard that the prison collapsed and everyone died except Mario somehow. So Mario dug his way out of the rubble and went out searching for some better food when he came across a turtle lying in the middle of the road. "Oh no!" said Mario. "I-a hate turtles!" and went to stomp on it but before he could the turtle moved to the side so that Mario accidentally stomped on a landmine the turtle was sitting on instead.
So Mario got blown high into the sky and landed on top of an airplane which was being piloted by Luigi and Peach was also inside it. "Oooh, this really steams my jeans!" said Mario. "Whatever that means." so he punched his way through the airplane's hull causing explosive decompression and everyone fell to the earth and had all their bones shattered so they had to be taken to the Mushroom Kingdom's finest hospital. What they all didn't know is that Bowser was serving as the doctor!!!
TO BE CONTINUED