Chapter Two: Jean and the Contest
The Wade-Mobile is a Hummer. A custom Hummer. It coast Deadpool a boatload at the time, but for him, it was completely worth it.
It was bullet proof, which made Deadpool happy. It could still go 150mph with the bullet proofing, which made him ecstatic. It had a heck of a lot of built in weapons and defenses, which made him blissful. But the thing that really made Deadpool go stir crazy was the custom paint job, with the Deadpool insignia on the hood, the cup holders, and the red and black leather seats.
Naomi, who hadn't jumped out the car in hysterics like Deadpool was expecting, was sitting shot gun next to him as he drove.
Deadpool was talking about his views of the universe, and Naomi was sitting patiently, listening to every word. She thought Deadpool was pretty just the optimistic version of Marvin the Paranoid Android from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
"Hey," interrupted Naomi right as Deadpool was getting to his views on vegetarians. "I thought you said we're going to Louisiana. That'd be south, but we're going north."
"Cause I'd just like to tie up those vegetarians and—Huh?" said Deadpool, interrupted mid-thought. "Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you that I gotta pick up that ectomorphic, wimpy kid Jean LeBeau. He came with me this time."
"What do you mean by 'this time?'" replied Naomi, curiously.
"Well," began Deadpool. Naomi sighed; he was going to continue talking. "We got this thing, me and the other assassins, that we get to share Jean whenever we need him. He's got this power that makes things go BOOM so we just take turns using him when we go a-killin'!"
"Oh," mumbled Naomi.
Turning the Wade-Mobile down an old alley, Deadpool stopped the car in front of an old, crumbling apartment.
A young boy, probably about Naomi's age, peered out of one of the ancient windows. He smiled as he saw Deadpool step out of the car, and ducked back inside the build.
"Stay here, Girr," Deadpool remarked as he ran inside the apartment building to Jean.
He'd taken up calling Naomi "Girr" after she told him her last name was Growl. He'd made fun of it at first, asking what parents would give their kid a last name like "Growl". Naomi then tried to explain that they'd combined their last names, but she was now beginning to realize how stubbornly annoying Deadpool could be.
Naomi saw a gasping Deadpool stumble out of the building carrying a large box full of various guns and knives, with ACME CO. painted on the front in big red letters. Behind him, Jean walked out carrying a smaller box filled with ammunition, and he had a LAW over his shoulder.
"Girr!" gasped Deadpool under the weight of the box. "Open—the—trunk—!"
Searching the dashboard for the switch that would open the trunk, Naomi pressed down on the switch. The trunk flipped open, but smacked the box Deadpool was holding. He lost his balance and fell under the weight of the weapons. Naomi heard this as "ARGH! UH!" CRUNCH.
Deadpool screamed like a girl at first, and then screamed at Jean.
Naomi unlocked the car door and leaped out, and ran behind the car. Deadpool was crushed under the weight of the box, and was squirming like a worm underneath it. Jean was trying to lift it off of him.
"Nah!" screeched Deadpool. "Get this #$%^&! Thing off of me!"
"Help!" yelped Jean.
Jean LeBeau was a thin boy; with that wimpy look you see in boys that size. He had on a black under suit, with a dark grey trench coat over it. The trench coat had a blue fleur de lis on each shoulder. Naomi didn't want to say it out loud, but she sort of thought Jean was cute.
"Then why did you type it up there for me to see?" objected Deadpool.
"Huh?" said Naomi and Jean.
"Never mind."
Naomi and Jean shoved the box off of Deadpool. Wheezing, Deadpool got to his feet. He felt his ribs, trying to see if anything was broken.
"I'm—alive!" confirmed Deadpool. "That was sooo your fault, Girr."
Sighing, Naomi helped him load the large box into the trunk. Jean also loaded the ammunition and LAW as well. Everyone got back into the Wade-Mobile, and Deadpool drove off.
"So, Jean," began Deadpool. "This is Naomi! I call her Girr, 'cause her last name is Growl."
He then turned to Naomi.
"Girr, this is Jean LeBeau. He wets himself every time he sees Sabretooth and has a thing for Mystique. You can call him Bone-Ace if you think Jean's to girlie a name."
"Hey!" interrupted Jean. "I do not have a 'ting for Mystique!"
"But you didn't deny wetting yourself so, HAH!" retorted Deadpool.
"God Wade," mumbled Jean. "Anyway, hello ta you, my new, pretty friend Naomi."
"Hi," she replied. She reached back from the front seat and shook Jeans hand. She noticed Jean's light Cajun accent, and smiled as he continued talking.
"I s'pose I should warn you dat Wade Wilson, or Deadpool, as he is known, does not shut up," continued Jean.
"I do!" remarked Wade. "When I'm asleep!"
"Na, you don't," replied Jean. "You talk in your sleep."
Wade grumbled something under his breath and drove a little faster.
"Hey, don't I know you from somewhere," asked Naomi.
"Hmm," thought Jean. "Well, maybe you do; Ma father, or clone, or whatever, was da adventurer Gambit, 'o the X-Men. Could dat be where you seen me from?"
"Probably," replied Naomi. "Didn't Gambit die a year or so back?"
"Yes," admitted Jean, with a smile. "Yes he did. Glad ta be rid 'o him."
"I know what you mean," added Naomi.
Bursting into the Avenger's Mansion, the elegant, red haired woman rushed across the foyer. She literally flew up a flight of stairs, turning down a long hallway, searching every room for her husband.
Finally, opening up a large, looming, hard oak door, she interrupted a meeting of people.
"Jeannie!" a short, gruff man called out.
"Logan!" Jeannie screamed as she rushed across the room.
All the Avengers, from Iron Man to Thor, looked with concern as Logan and Jeannie met up in the middle of the room.
"Jeannie," voiced Logan. "JEANNIE! What's wrong?"
"Our daughter," she gasped. "Our daughter's missing!"
"What do you mean you hate HGTV?" argued Wade.
"They have that gay dude on there," responded Naomi. "It's just wrong, sending all those messages…"
After three hours in the Wade-Mobile, the conversation between Jean, Wade, and Naomi had sort of gone downhill. It started when Wade began talking about all the things nobody wanted to know about Sabretooth. Then he started talking about what his room was like. Naomi and Jean actually managed to have real side conversations while Wade was off on his little fantasies.
"That's the point!" stated Wade. "I'll show you when we get to Louisiana. Sabretooth and Mystique will get all comfortable with each other and—you know—and you just turn the TV to HGTV and they scatter like flies. OH! That reminds me; Naomi, you gotta fight Jean so we can see which one of you guys is better than the other!"
"What?" Asked Naomi.
"Wha?" Asked Jean.
Wade slammed his foot on the brakes. The Wade-Mobile jolted to a stop. Naomi's head slammed against the dashboard, and Jean flew out of his seat, launching into Wade's seat. Wade laughed slightly, and Naomi thought she heard him say under his breath "seatbelts, suckers."
"God," groaned Jean. "Sabretooth's a better driver 'dan you!"
"I take that as a compliment!" mocked Wade. "Get out, we need to have a competition!"
Five minutes later, Deadpool, Naomi, and Bone-Ace were somewhere in a forest off of Interstate 95. Deadpool had given each of the kids a pistol. He then went on to explain the rules.
"The first one to shoot the other wins!" exclaimed Deadpool.
"Say what?" objected Jean. "I'm not gonna shoot—her!"
He pointed directly at Naomi, who was twirling the pistol in her hand.
"Why not?" she asked.
"Yeah," added Deadpool sarcastically. "Why not, Bone-Ace?"
"It's—just—dat—," stuttered Jean. "AAEEE!"
Jean gripped his hand in pain. It was bleeding, and hurt like nothing else before. Deadpool smiled, and Naomi handed the gun back to him. She'd shot him, just barely grazed Jean, but enough to win the contest.
"Girr officially wins!" taunted Deadpool, doing some sort of demented victory dance you'd expect someone on meth to perform. "Point one for Team DEADPOOL!"
Naomi took a step away from the slightly demented man (hah, slightly).
"I heard that!" screamed Deadpool.
She gave Wade a look of partial fear for herself, and for him. Meanwhile, Jean was still moaning over his gunshot 'wound'.
"What do you mean 'Team Deadpool,'" asked Naomi, inquiringly.
"Mystique brought Jean back with her," answered Deadpool. "So Jean's part of Team Raven, while we are Team Deadpool. Rocks, right?"
"No," replied Naomi. "I'm gonna go help Jean."
Deadpool hung his head, disappointed about Naomi's response.
"Why does Mystique get a team member that likes them…?" he mumbled.