Author Note: Thank you for the wonderful reviews on the last chapter's Chicken Dance!
Chapter 07 – Picking Up Women
Once the party was over, Jackie settled the bill with the caterers and various crews and tucked her receipts in her book. She waved Eric over to the table by the exit. "Eric, would you mind terribly giving me a ride home? In this dress, I don't want someone following me and knowing where I live."
Eric grinned. 'Aww... but you look so cute Gretel – surely there's a Hansel just waiting for you." Jackie glared daggers at him. "Yeah, and you looked real cute doing the Chicken Dance!"
Eric closed his mouth. Yeah, she would bring that up! "No, seriously, I'll drop you off and we can pick up your car later."
She yawned, "Thanks Eric. This is a nice room. I have a quasi-beauty pageant coming up that this would be perfect for…." Her mind started wandering as she imagined those blue drapes opened to expose the lake behind it and the women in their evening gowns swirling looking beautiful.
She closed her day planner and waved goodbye to the DJ. "Shall we? I don't know where you parked."
Eric grinned and followed her out the door, closing it behind him. "Can you wait in the lobby? I have to talk to Vickie, my night auditor."
Jackie veered off to sit on the sofa in front of the fireplace. It was nice and warm and she closed her eyes. Visions of dancing chickens were playing in her head. A giant sausage was waltzing with Mrs. Guttenberg and the old woman was giggling like a young woman.
"Make sure the cleaning crew scrubs the Sapphire Room – it smells like kraut and sausage. There should be some leftover cake in the kitchen. It was a great party."
Vickie grinned. "Miss Burkhart always throws the best. I went to a wedding reception and I had such a wonderful time….." Eric smiled. 'She's pretty good… just make sure they get the smell out of the drapes okay?"
"Okay boss! See you on Monday." Vickie gave a mock salute and went back to her ledger book.
*
Eric was whistling as he walked down the empty hall and turned the corner to the lobby. An exhausted Jackie Burkhart was sleeping on the sofa. Her legs were hanging off the edge of the couch and she was resting her head on her arm. The blond braided wig was slightly askew and she looked very uncomfortable but he could see she was exhausted.
He knelt down and gently shook her shoulder. "Jackie."
She frowned in her sleep. "No…."
"Jackie, let's get you home." He nudged her shoulder. She opened one eye and glared at him. "I am not dancing with a sausage dammit!" Eric laughed. "I'm not a sausage and it's time to go home. Sit up girl."
Covering her mouth with her hand, she yawned again. "Sorry, I thought you were that dancing sausage. Dang, I'm tired!"
Eric helped her to her feet and out to the Vista Cruiser. He couldn't stop thinking about that stupid Chicken Dance!
*
Jackie struggled to find her house key. In fact it was a struggle just to keep her eyes open. "Eric, hold my book." She handed him her day planner and started digging in the bottom of her purse to pull out a huge ring of keys.
Eric watched as she went through the ring twice. "May I? Your key should look like mine." In a couple of seconds, he found the key and unlocked the door. She looked at him like he performed some kind of magic.
Eric handed her the book and smiled. Her dark hair was sticking out of the wig and the blonde braids were all crooked. He tugged on the curls and the wig fell into his hand. She looked at him with her dark mismatched eyes. "Thank you."
The moment was very awkward. Eric didn't know if he should kiss her goodnight because he wasn't sure if this was a date or was he just there because she invited him to the party. She looked real pretty and more feminine than he was used to. Jackie leaned forward and touched his cheek. 'You are such a good friend. Good night Eric." Her hand lingered a moment and then she stepped into her apartment. He heard the door lock behind him.
Jeez Eric, what did you expect? He sighed and walked the hallway down to his lonely apartment.
*
Eric and Fez hung out together that Saturday. Jackie left early in the morning and Fez was delighted that he could have guy time with his friend. "Eric, it is good that you don't work late nights anymore. Today we are going to go look at all the beautiful girls."
Eric rolled his eyes. "Fez, I thought you were going out with Rhonda. I mean she is a very beautiful girl."
Fez grinned. "Aiiy, she is, but that doesn't mean a hungry man can't smell the cookies, right?"
Eric didn't quite understand that analogy. "Okay – whatever that means. Where did you plan on going?"
Fez was too excited for words. "Lake Michigan Tour boats! It's going to be a hot day and all the pretty girls like to wear bathing suits on the boats. We just sit back with our soda and candy and watch."
Actually, Eric thought it sounded a little boring. He could go to the indoor pool at the hotel and see the same thing! "Look, I'll go for the boat ride because it's been awhile since I've been there, but you can keep the candy – deal?"
Fez grinned, "Oh my American friend you make Fez happy!"
*
The Lake Michigan Tour boats were a lucrative business – the ticket booth charged twenty bucks for a seat and Eric discovered he was actually sitting on a bench with Fez. After they left the dock, Fez stripped down to his red white and blue Speedo and Eric was truly embarrassed.
"Good Morning! I'm Captain Andy and this is First Mate Charlie. Under your benches you will find life jackets and the seats may also be used as floatation devices. After we are on the lake, please feel free to get up and walk around. The head is located in the front of the boat, and for you ladies, the head is the restroom. Enjoy your ride!"
The engines throttled back and the deck vibrated as the boat glided out of the slip and into the water. Eric and closed his eyes just enjoying the sun shining on his face. The slight sway of the boat was relaxing and as the First Mate started his narration of what sites to look at Eric could feel himself falling into a dream like state.
"If you look to your left you'll see an abundant crop of cherry and apple blossoms in bloom."
The First Mates voice just penetrated Eric's consciousness and he could see Jackie wearing the Gretel dress holding an armful of flowers. Her long dark hair curling around her face and shoulders. She was smiling at him and this overwhelming sense of calm and peace filled his body. She reached out a hand toward him….
"Eric!" Fez interrupted the daydream. Eric blinked and opened his eyes. "What?! I was having a great dream."
Fez looked extremely unhappy. "We are on a boat full of old women! There are no luscious girls in bikinis anywhere!" Eric looked around and found that Fez had indeed booked them on a boat of retired couples. A bubble of laughter threatened to break out but Eric squelched it. "Well, Fez, maybe you'll see some girls on the shoreline. I'm taking a nap!"
Donna was wearing denim pants and her favorite flannel shirt. She was in Kitty's garden digging up bloody carrots and holding them out for Eric. "Look at what I got for you." She said happily. Meanwhile, Kitty and Jackie were sitting on the patio holding baby bunnies in their laps looking sad at the destroyed garden.
Eric jolted awake. What the hell was that about?! He wiped his hand over his face – he hadn't dreamt about Donna in a few weeks. What a horrible vision that was! Eric looked over and Fez had fallen asleep with a can of soda in his hand. The First Mate was pointing at the Pierhead Lighthouse and giving a brief history. Eric got up and walked around the deck more to clear his head from the daytime nightmare.
Fez woke up later as the boat was slipping back into the dock. He hastily put his pants back on and noticed that the boat next to them was being loaded with at least twenty gorgeous women of all ages. "Oh Eric, we need to go on that boat!" Fez cried.
Eric smirked, "Fez, I need to go anywhere but here. Let's get some lunch!"
*
During a quick lunch at a local Fatso Burger, Eric tried to analyze his dreams. The flowers and Jackie were probably subliminal because he was half listening to the trip narration. Then of course Jackie looked freaking "A" hot in that dress last night! Now, why was he dreaming about Donna all of a sudden? Bloody carrots – death of his marriage? Was that supposed to be symbolic? Why were his mom and Jackie sitting there letting her tear up the garden? Wait, they were protecting the bunnies! What a disturbing dream – he didn't want to think about it anymore!
"Fez, Jackie is after me to start dating. How do I get back into the world of picking up women?"
His brown foreign friend smiled around the straw in his soda. "Oh Eric, you have a lot to learn! You have come to the right man to do it! I don't mean do it like doing it. I mean I'm a good teacher. Aiiy!"
*
Eric was schooled in the dreaded STD's and how many different types of protection were now available. After 20 minutes in the pharmacy, Eric wished he was back in Africa where it was safer! Fez drove him to all the usual pickup haunts, a coffee shop, the movie theatre, the library, the park and Fez's favorite, the mall.
Eric tried to keep an open mind, but how was he going to meet anyone intelligent at the mall? This was so high school – in fact everywhere Fez took him, the places were teeming with teenagers. After a couple of hours, Eric begged off the tour. "Dude, I just want to go home for a while. Maybe we can do this again later?"
Fez agreed and drove his friend back to the apartment. He parked his little Fiat in the parking lot and they entered through the back of the complex. Fez stopped and grabbed Eric's arm. "Eric, there are beautiful women by our pool!"
Eric grinned – Fez could be so odd. But then, he saw a lovely pair of toned tan legs lying on a chaise lounge chair. A hot pink bathing suit covered all the appropriate areas and a bridal magazine was covering her face. "Eric, watch me in action. Watch and learn!"
Fez strode jauntily over to the beautiful set of legs, "Hey baby, if I said you had a good body, would you hold it against me? Your body I mean, hold your body against me?"
Eric watched as the bridal magazine whacked Fez in his friend little Pepe. Fez went down holding his groin in pain. "Dammit Fez, quit hitting on me or I'm calling Rhonda!" Jackie Burkhart stood up and pulled on her sundress. She looked over at Eric standing off to the side.
"Are you next? Is he teaching you his method of picking up the ladies? Ugh! Fez, I'm calling Rhonda right now!" Jackie stormed off and Eric smiled as he watched her climb the stairs to disappear in her apartment. Fez was whimpering, "No, don't call Rhonda."
Eric picked his friend up by the arm. "Come on buddy; let's get you an ice pack!"
*