Disclaimer:Don't own any of the characters or anything you recongize from the SPN show.

A.N: The second extra chapter. Nothing to say before hand.

Summary:Tag to 5x14- My Bloody Valentine. How was he going to fix Sam when he couldn't even fix himself? Sequel to fanfic: From Laughter to Desperation. Major DepressiveDean, AngstLimp Sam, SupportativeCastiel N Bobby

Chapter 10: Laying it all down

Silent drifted between them for a bit, each lost in their own thoughts. Dean sighed. Why couldn't he just have this conversation and be done with it? Why did he fight this tooth and nail?

"I'm not mad at you, Sam, you know that", Dean repeated.

"You should be." Sam's eyes fluttered as he turned his head to face the ceiling.

"No, I shouldn't. I'm not. Why would I be?" Dean asked watching Sam closely, "Why do you insist on my being mad at you?

"Hmmmm" Sam muttered, his eyes finally shut.

Dean nudged him. "Wakey wakey, we aren't through."

"What part of I'm tired, do you people not get?" Sam muttered out.

"The part where we are trying to have a conversation….I'll let you sleep in a bit when I'm convinced you won't let Lucifer attack your subconscious or however that works."

Sam sighed and struggled to stay awake.

"Now, once more, why do you insist on my being mad at you and don't give me a smart answer", Dean warned. He was back to big brother mode after his brief fallout a minute earlier.

"Cause, I broke my promise. I drunk demon blood again. We've had this conversation before, Dean." Sam said softly after a moment had passed.

"Indeed we did, and you heard what I told you then right? It wasn't your fault. It was the Famine. He did this to you. You told me to lock you down, for crying out loud. If that isn't responsibility I don't know what is." Dean argued back. What would it take to get that though his brother's thick skull?

"Alright", Sam said turning his head to look Dean in the eye, "then you know that it isn't your fault either and you have no reason to be mad at yourself. Direct that anger towards the Famine or Lucifer where it belongs. Even I would be a better target, if you just find yourself needing to be mad at someone….or something as the case may be."

"Sam…" Dean warned.

"I'm just saying, man. I'm trying to prove a point here", Sam sighed, looking back at the ceiling. He was sure there was a pattern of a star up there, with the amount of times he spent looking up at it.

"Yeah, yeah, but that's different." Dean argued Sam's original point.

Sam sighed exasperated and closed his eyes a brief moment before opening them, "How pray tell is it different? Enlighten me, oh, wise one."

Dean ran a hand through his hair in agitation, ignoring Sam's wise remark and asked, "Why else would I not be affected, huh?"

Sam was silent.

"See even you can't come up with something", Dean argued.

Sam sighed again. "Dean, I don't feel well, so I apologize if it takes me an extra second or four to answer."

Dean looked a little sheepish. He found Sam's shirt interesting again. Silence fell over them for awhile until finally a soft voice broke it.

"Cause you are well-fed." Sam answered Dean's previous question.

Dean chuckled once.

"What?" Sam asked glancing at Dean. He was finding it hard to keep up with his brother today.

"That is what I told Castiel when he asked during our hunt."

"Well, it's the truth."

Dean snorted. "That's bogus. Even I don't buy it now." He looked off to the side, staring at the clear bowl of water that had long since warmed.

"Besides you deserve better, Sam." He added softly after a second. He had to say it. Sam deserved to know.

Sam looked at Dean shock showing in his eyes. "Dean, now that's bogus. If anything you deserve better."

"Sammy…. come on man, it's true." Dean cried pushing himself off the floor turning his back to Sam. He ran his head through his disheveled hair. "You don't deserve a living dead brother." he said bitterly. It left a bad taste in his mouth, "That…..that thing…..was right….. Why else would I not be affected when everyone else including Castiel was?"

"Because you are too good for that and mostly cause you are well-fed." Came a soft reply.

"Sammy……" Now was not the time for Sam to come up with smart answers that didn't make a lick of sense.

And Dean said as much.

"Alright, Dean, listen to me."

Dean heard some grunts and turned around to find Sam sitting up, placing his feet on the floor. "Hey, hey, what are you doing?" He knelt before Sam gripping his forearms before Sam could keel face first onto the floor.

Sam closed his eyes trying to get his equilibrium back. "Lay back down, Sam", Dean ordered seriously.

Sam shook his head and placed his hands on Dean's shoulders, "No Dean, listen to me. Really listen to me, for once."

"When have I ever not?" Dean laughed once trying to hide his growing concern at Sam's harsh breathing.

"Not now, Dean. Focus, here. Focus…." Sam muttered.

"Alright, I'm focusing", Dean said.

It took a moment before Sam could open his eyes and not feel dizzy.

When he did open his eyes, he looked straight into Dean's. "You are not dead inside. I'm your brother if anyone knows, it's me. The reason you weren't affect, could be anyone's guess. But you aren't dead inside. How can you when you are ready to put up with the biggest screw-up on the planet? And that, my brother is not understatement. And you are….. well-fed."

Dean looked away from Sam, but Sam shook him. "Look at me Dean."

When Dean obeyed Sam went on, "When you are hungry, you become a walking garbage can. You are a walking disposal. It's a proven fact. Now if we can get it into scientific fact, that would be great."

At this Dean cracked a small smirk. Sam continued, "When you want a drink, you leave me with see-ya and disappear to the nearest bar. When you want sex, you talk about it a little too much for my taste and then go get it…….anything you want, you are so free you just go get it."

Dean nodded his agreement. He could accept that.

"You are free, Dean. That is why you were not affected. I have never met someone as free and uninhibited as you are. Hippies would adore you Dean. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm glad of that trait in you."

"So.......", Dean drawled his mouth twitching, "next time I'm scarfing down a burger you'll watch with delight?"

Sam crinkled his nose, "God no. I just said it saved you this time. Now whether you die from a hunt or diabetes or something else all together is another debate. And for the record you aren't going anywhere any time soon. Not while I'm still here."

"Glad to hear it", Dean said before he sobered and his eyes darted away from Sam's, "You know that, that is just a theory at best." He just had to say it.

Sam shrugged, "Maybe it is. I agree, maybe that's not 100% why weren't affected. Maybe cause you don't have an addictions or cravings. Maybe because you are Michael's so called vessel and you come with something that equips you not to be affected by such things. The list could go on. But Dean…"

He gripped Dean's shoulders forcing him to focus on him once more. "But you just said it, Dean."

Dean looked confused, "Said what?"

"That it's a theory", Sam drawled out before continuing, "And it's my theory, my reason for why you weren't affected. Just as Famine gave you his theory, I'm giving you mine. Yeah, we can sit and dispute my theory until pigs began to fly."

At this Dean let out a small snort. Sam smiled once and continued,

"But Dean, if Famine can give you his theory and you are so quick to accept it, can't I give you mine and you accept mine just as quick if not quicker?"

At this, a light seemed to be slowly turning itself on, in Dean's head.

Sam saw it in his eyes and knew he was making headway, so he continued, "If anyone's opinion should matter shouldn't it be mine? I'm your brother."

Sam gave his trademark pleading puppy dog eyes to help his case, "Shouldn't your family and friends, Castiel's and Bobby's opinion matter? None of us believe a word that thing said. I don't believe it, Castiel doesn't believe it and Bobby doesn't believe it. Shouldn't that matter? Shouldn't our word account for something? Aren't we the ones closest to you? Are you going to believe an evil infested being over your own family? Dean please, you've gotta stop beating yourself up over this."

Dean's eyes looked a little moist as he looked away. Sam shook him, making him glance back him. "Now…. forget what others say. You aren't dead inside, Dean." Sam said.

"You aren't" Sam stressed.

There was silence for a bit as the two sat absorbing all that was said. Dean looked down, unable to look Sam in the eye after his speech. Still they sat, Sam's hands on Dean's shoulder and Dean's hands on his forearms.

"The enemy will always find something to use against you. Don't let them use your giving and free nature against you, too." Sam begged softly after awhile had passed.

Dean looked up at Sam and Sam could see more of his brother then he had in weeks. Sam felt on the road to being satisfied about his brother's mental state, as he sighed once more, his energy giving out.

"I've gotta lay down", he said. Dean wordlessly helped him lay back down. Sam closed his eyes briefly before allowing them to flutter. Dean switched his position from kneeling on his knees to sitting cross-legged. His legs greatly thanked him for the change in position.

Comfortable silence drifted between, until it was broken by Dean. It seemed Sam's words were able to fully sink into his brain. He laughed with some relief as he stared at the carpet. "I…..it…." he breathed, "And to think, I almost…….." he stopped shame gripping him.

He couldn't believe it passed through his head. How stupid would that have been? The enemy had come so close to winning.

"Almost what?" Sam asked. When he looked down at Dean he became a little fearful of this new revelation. He saw the look on Dean's face and knew it wasn't good.

"Bobby and Castiel were right. I was thinking about giving in….saying yes. Especially that first night…… I just felt as everything was falling to pieces. So small, that even I wasn't able to put it together again. And everything was just… it came….bearing down and………. I became…….desperate."

Dean started picking at the carpet, as his eyes became wet once again. They were probably already red. He would never forget the feeling of that night. No matter how hard he tried, he could never forget that feeling. That hopeless, that hapless that…....desperate feeling.

Dean continued, finding himself unable to stop once he started talking. "I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to see you suffer. I couldn't stand it so I left and I prayed Sammy. I didn't know what else to do. And then….the Famine, saying that I was dead inside. What other reason did I have to believe that he wasn't telling the truth? I didn't want to eat, didn't want to sleep, didn't want to drink or even get me some. And the longer I thought about, the more I just……" he trailed off with a helpless shrugged.

Something clicked in Sam's mind. "You were depressed.......even before the Famine."

Dean scoffed still not looking at Sam. "I don't get depressed, Sam." The audacity of his statement!

"No….it makes perfect sense."

Dean looked up perplex at Sam, "Uh, it does?" He raised an eyebrow.

Sam nodded, "Yes", he eagerly explained, "another possible reason the Famine couldn't affect you was cause there was nothing to affect."

".......Come again?"

"Listen, if you were depressed it was possible that you didn't have anything in the forefront of your mind that the Famine could use. You had lost interest in everything so what could the Famine amplify? Nothing."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better? I don't get depressed, Sam."

"Didn't you once say that your lives were a river of crap that would send most people, howling to the nuthouse?" Sam asked.

"So? It's true."

"And I don't dispute that. But, don't you think after everything we've been through, everything we are going through, that we don't deserve to get depressed? That you deserved to be depressed; to get down in the dumps? You've been running for years….years, Dean and finally your mind and body said enough. But the key is not to drown in that depression. That is what family is for and as Bobby so eloquently said, family don't end in blood."

"So, I was due?" Dean asked a little skeptical.

"Overdue." Sam corrected.

"Okay, so are you supposed to get depressed sometime or something?" According to Sam's theory, Dean supposed he was to expect Sam to get 'down in the dumps' as well.

Sam looked back at the ceiling. It was a moment before he answered. "I've been depressed before Dean. Several times, you know that."

Dean stopped and thought for a moment. He could see a few times that Sam was depressed.

"But….it wasn't like mine……." Dean hesistated to say. He was feeling out of his league with this topic.

"Depression works different for different people. Besides, my worse depression was when……"

"When…." Dean prompted. He didn't really want to know, but felt he needed to know.

"When you died." Sam said so softly, it took a moment to realize for Dean to realize what his brother had uttered.

Silence trailed after that.

"You shouldn't feel bad about almost giving into Michael", Sam said after a bit.

"Why not?" Dean scoffed clearly upset with his lack of willpower at the time.

"Then you will have to condemn me the same way you are condemning yourself."

This made Dean looked up violently, "Are you saying…."

"I have thought about it to", Sam said softly.

Dean looked a little shocked. "Before…. just now? Obviously."

"Of course." Sam said as if it was obvious thing in the world, turning his glaze back at Dean. It was a moment before Sam spoke again, "So…."

"So what?" Dean asked.

"Are you upset with me?"

"No." And Dean really wasn't. What matters was that Sam didn't say yes. That he resist.

"Good, then don't be upset with yourself." Sam turned back to his ceiling glazing, his eyes drifting down, "We all have moments, Dean where it seems we want to give up but we can't. We just……can't."

Dean studied his little brother.

"Besides, if I say yes, who is gonna keep you in line?" Sam smiled cheesy.

Dean sniffed. "Same here, I say yes, and you'd probably jump off a bridge.......literally."

"Then I guess we each have one more reason to stay strong", Sam said.

Dean nodded before he frowned.

Sam seemed to sense Dean's change without opening his eyes. He asked, "What is it Dean?"

"I won't leave, one way or another, I'm not leaving. Not until I'm…..hoooo, 90 or something." Dean said seriously.

Sam cracked open an eye and lazily looked at his brother. He smiled. "Good, that sounds about right. And you know that you aren't dead inside. If you ever have doubts you come to me and I'll check your heart and tell ya." His eyes closed back once again.

"Now, how pray tell, little brother, would you do that?" Dean grinned feeling more himself than he had in a long time.

"I've got my ways." Sam grinned mysteriously.

"B*****"

"Jerk."

TBC.....

A.N: Yay!!! The Winchesters seem to have gotten themselves back together. Sam ended up having much to say....as usual. For every thing Dean had to say, Sam had twice as much to say. lol But that's why we love 'em.

Almost to the end. Awwww.......unless something else comes up, the next chapter will be the last.... :(