DISCLAIMER. Boohoo, I do not own Twilight. Although the SPARE CHARACTERS, I do.
A/N. Very quick. I need ASAP a beta-reader. PM me or something like that. :) - Share with me your opinions about the cast. Do you like them, or not? PS.: REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW! I won't be able to update for another week now, I know you're all used to my fast updating but it's not going to be possible! O.O I have exams, exams and exams, so I have to concentrate on the books. I'm sorry lovers. It's life. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. It's all Bella. And Check out my new story - She Will be loved. Link on my profile! Please, please!
[BPOV]
Cold feet? That could describe me at this moment. The aftermath of our second kiss wasn't as beautiful as we thought it would be, we didn't hold hands, we didn't kiss again, we didn't even held each other again. I am upset at my actions, but what could I do? What should I have done? He spilled all on me at one time and I was so into the moment that I ended up saying that I cared about him as well, not a lie, nope. I just wasn't ready and I didn't expect Edward to understand that, neither I expected him to take me back, or forgive my little escapade. I'm not ready. James messed me up real bad.
I unlocked myself from his arms already aware that my inner debate was showing itself on my face, my mind was a million miles per minute and I didn't know what I was doing, or what I had done. The warmth of his lips upon mine was better than I had ever thought, but I still had my doubts. I didn't know just yet if I could trust him unreservedly.
"Bella, are you alright?" He asked, brushing my cheek, making my skin go on flames. "Bella?" He tried again; I guess he noticed my confusion state. I didn't dare to look into his eyes; I would give myself away too quickly.
"Bella, Bella." He cupped my face with his hands. "Please look at me."
I looked into his eyes and caressed his arms consequently he let go of my face, I took a step back, my hand passed through my hair and I scratched my forehead, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
"I, um… I need to go." I sighed, and looked at him once more. His face, his expression was unreadable. I was less than comfortable now. I turned on my heels and walked out. Just like that. I tried to push the image of him standing there, in the middle of the backyard to the back of my head, but I couldn't.
Was I stupid or something? What the fuck was I doing? You're not good enough for him darling, simple as that. Even after everything he said? Oh please! You can't really buy that, can you? Probably every girl he wanted to fuck heard this little speech. Don't get your damn hopes up.
Yeah, I was stupid, I passed by Rosalie and Emmett, Rose gave me a concerned look as she noticed the tears starting to well up in the corner of my eyes.
"Emmett, could you drive Rose back please? I have to go back to the dorm. Rose would you mind if I borrowed your car?"
"Sure sweetie, here." She gave me the keys. "We'll talk about it when I get home."
I let out a small 'okay' and made my way to the car; Edward was faster than me thought, he grabbed my elbow and spun me around so I could face him.
"What was that?" His voice sounded demanding, I instantly felt irritated.
"Not now Edward." I simply said, trying to keep my voice under control. "Not now."
I made him let go of my elbow and opened the car door, sliding me in. I took off. Chicken style.
And now here I was, lying on my flannel pajamas – flannel bottoms with teddy-bears all over it and a dark gray tank top, the bottom-up flannel shirt was open -, my hair up on a messy bun and several hair locks let loose, glasses on my face, laptop on my lap and pen tapping on my chin. Trying to write something, but nothing was coming out of my mind. I was going crazy. I wanted to toss my laptop on the floor and scream while pulling my hair out of my head, however I didn't, I decided to wait for the girls to come home and I could probably cry. I in just minutes took something that was going completely fine and crushed it. All because of my self-doubt, I couldn't get myself to trust in his words, or to trust in him matter-of-factly. I just… ugh! I wanted to break something, to hit something. I really was messed up beyond words. How would I face him tomorrow? I wouldn't. There was this one little thing that I was good at doing which was avoiding. I really was a goddamn master at that. Besides tomorrow was Saturday so, at least that was on my favor.
I quit working, I would try the library tomorrow, or some place I could get myself easily involved with the books. I attempted to ease my nerves by walking around our little place, our dorm wasn't very big, at first, me, Alice and Rose wanted to begin College fresh, no help from our parents, so we gathered our money and the housing offer wasn't so great for the amount of money we had in time, so we got stuck with this bedroom-living room-kitchen all in one, we bought one king-size bed to all of us and we never brought boys home. House rule.
Now we were regretting our choice in not accepting parental help, there were so many good housings down the campus that with some help from above, we would move out of our tight place soon and get one without community showers.
I sighed in frustration and took off my flannel top, tossing it to the side of the room. That's at least one thing to toss around huh?
Was I really being mocked by my internal voice? Talk about idiocy. Not only idiocy, foolishness, and all the other words, I couldn't think a name bad enough to call myself now. Stupid whore should do for now?
I rolled my eyes leaning myself on the desk my hands on each side of me holding onto the desk's edges as my fingers played a gentle drum on the inside of the desk. I guess I was chewing on my lip for too long now, I could feel the slim taste of blood. Crap.
My IPhone vibrated on the desk announcing that I had a new message. Edward's name was playing on the screen, I felt the butterflies again as I opened the message.
Bella pls don't ignore me.
Hv brkfst w/ me 2morrow. My treat.
~Ed.
I guess he really did hold onto that possibility, but my coward self set the 'avoiding Edward at all costs' plan on the move. I pressed answer and sent to him:
Cnt. Hv homework 2 do.
~B.
After I was all done with my chickenry I put my phone back on the place where it was and decided that it would be better for my mental health if I walked around, maybe get a bucket of ice from the ice machine down the hall, out little fridge was running out of ice, and when I got back, I would sit on my bed, under the covers and flip through the TV channels.
Perhaps I was too lazy to walk down the hall, so instead, I went on with the second part, and I put myself under the covers and turned on the TV. My mind was restless and I quickly got annoyed by the Food Network, which it was something I liked watching from time to time. I glanced at the clock on the night stand; it had been an hour now, since I did the dumbest mistake in the world. I bit my bottom lip for the millionth time that day, threw the sheets aside, got up and walked up to the window, opening it with all the strength I had in me. The night breeze surrounded me, making me feel like home again. Home. And just like that, I knew who I had to speak with.
I grabbed my phone and punched the numbers on the screen before setting it to dial.
"Hello?" Her voice was still groggy and my heart ached I had no idea how much I was missing her.
"Mom?" I don't know why, but tears started to gather in the corner of my eyes, attempting to spill out. How long could I go on without hearing this loving voice?
"Bella, honey is that you?" She sounded worried, Renee had always been the child in our relationship, Charlie and I would always laugh with her, but when something happened to me, her maternal self immediately made an appearance, now it was no different.
I simply made a loud nod, not trusting myself to speak.
"Are you ok sweetheart?" I could already see the picture playing on my mind, she was sitting at the bed now, dad would the grumping and tell her to go back to sleep, a smile played on my lips.
"Yes, I'm fine mom. I guess I just got a little bit home-sick that's all." I lied, the truth is, I needed her help, but she was so romantic, that she would probably tell me to go back in there and kiss that boy again, when my reasonable self told me not to. This time, my heart and head weren't working very much together.
"Oh Bella, home-sick at… 1 in the morning?" She laughed.
"I know mom, I'm sorry I woke you up. I'll let you sleep now. Bye." When I was about to press the button to end the call, I heard her voice calling out to me. Dad had probably awakened with this one. "Yes mom?"
"You don't have to shut your phone sweetie, I miss you, and it's been a while since we haven't talked or seen each other for that matter." I felt my heart get heavier, I knew she didn't mean to put any blame on me, but she was right, it's been a hell of a long time since I hadn't talked to her or dad, I hadn't been in my hometown for a while now, and I missed them, maybe I should go over there the weekend after the last game.
"I'm not trying to get rid of you ok?" I laughed "Let's make a deal?" Renee nodded. "Okay, next week we have all of this frenzy in here, blue and gold week, the final game is on Sunday and I'm pretty sure that I'll have a week off cheerleading after that. So, the next week, I'll gather my things and go spend the weekend with you guys, how that sounds?" That had to be a good idea, I missed them so much, I was sure that dad would have to unfold mom's arms around me, but it would be home.
"Oh honey, that's great!" She squealed. "Renee! Why are you yelling?" "Shut up Charlie, your daughter just said she's coming to visit us in two weeks. I couldn't help myself." I heard Charlie grumble something.
"It's okay mom, go to sleep. I'll go too. I just needed to hear your voice."
"You know, you should have this needs much often, like say… tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after?"
"I'm sorry I disappeared for so long, college is getting the best of me I guess."
"Don't worry about your old mom Bella, I'm just being needy, that's all. Oh Bella, you'll never guess!" She sounded a little too excited.
"What?"
"You know that little Ballet studio; you used to dance in here in Manhattan?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"Nothing about it honey, but your old teacher is running the place now, and I said to her that you were majoring in Law and taking the English Literature minor, she was so proud of you honey!" Renee sighed. "The Studio is really big now in New York and she asked me if you still danced, and I said that you did, I said that you had the summer job in that other studio you used to dance. She asked me to tell you that she's needing teachers for the little girls and whenever you come over here on Summer, she's holding your spot."
"Mom! That's…. I don't think I have enough words! You should have waited two weeks to tell me this."
"Why?" Renee sounded confused.
"I have no one to hug!" I heard the door being unlocked. "Okay mom, now I really have to go, Rosalie and Alice are home, they will drain answers from me. I'll talk to you later about this."
"Okay sweetheart. I love you."
"I love you too mom, tell dad I said hi and that I love him too."
"Okay." The other line dropped announcing that Renee had turned off the phone. I did the same.
Before I could congregate my thoughts, Rosalie and Alice walked through the door, their heels clicking with the wooden floor.
I sat on the bed and waited for them to change into their pajamas and remove their make ups before they could join me. We didn't say anything for a while, they just stood there looking at me, and I felt the strange need to look away from their gaze, but I couldn't, not with them.
"Bella, do you want to tell us what happened?" Alice's voice was soft, Rosalie's hand tightened around mine, making me feel more secure than ever.
"I'm not good enough for him." I said this first before I could start to say anything else, I knew the tears would commence soon enough, so I peeled my glasses off my face putting them on my nightstand. "After Rose gave the announcement, I went inside the house to see whether or not I could find him, I wandered around for a few minutes…" I licked my lips nervously and pressed them together. "But I finally found him, lips locked with Lauren's, at first I felt really angry at him for believing he could have changed his ways of the past, but then I just laughed at myself because I shouldn't have felt angry at him, not at him, I didn't even know if he felt the same way about me, but it seemed like I was another one on his list, you know, with the almost kiss that had just happened, he was already kissing Lauren" I tore my gaze away from their cautious eyes. "Anyhow, they stopped kissing, and he looked at me, astonished like I wasn't supposed to see that, I just took off, and went to the swings in the backyard of the house, I'm sorry I didn't go talk to you guys, I just needed some time alone."
They both nodded and squeezed my hands they had taken between theirs.
"My alone time didn't last long enough. Mike Newton came up and started to talk to me, he was really sweet at first, but then, he just started being… Mike Newton. Not long after Edward showed up, he apologized and I asked him why he should have apologized to me. I should be the one to, we were not together or anything, I started to walk up and leave and after arguing a few, he said he liked me, and all the sweet things that come along with a speech like that. Before I could say anything he kissed me." Both girls' eyes were bright but they didn't know why my eyes weren't. "It was so tender and soft and we moved together like our lips were meant to be together." I touched my lips with the memory of it. "I confessed to him that I liked him too, just as much and just as long, I kissed him again, and after we broke for air, he held me close, we got silent, however the comfortable silence became not so much in my mind, I begun to realize that he sweet talked me into that." Their eyes went from bright to angry. "Some feeling in the pitch of my stomach started to bother me. Why would he want anything with someone like me? I'm no good for him Alice; I'm no good for your brother. I shouldn't have let him kiss me in the first place."
Traitor tears running down my cheeks.
"Why don't you let him be the judge of that?" One of her hands left the top of mine and caressed my cheek while whipping the tears away.
"Because I don't know if I can trust him. It's not only because of his past. I've been there, done that. I dated a player and I ended up getting hurt. Literally."
Not many people knew that my relationship with James had been this messy, none of the guys new only the girls, my father and Joshua, fortunately, mom was on a trip visiting the Cullens on that day and Joshua was at a friend's house, however we filled he in later.
"You have to stop to compare every single man in your life to James, Bella. We know he was no good for you darling, but we also know that he made you tougher, and strangely we thank him for that."
"But still." Rosalie continued Alice's speech. "You can't push everyone away like that. It's not fair, to any of us for that matter. You never let anyone in Bella, and you weren't even in love with James, we feel like we are running into a wall with you, let go. You used to be lighter before him, we miss this old Bella." They had sad smiles on their faces, giving me some sort of courage, they were right, I knew they were right, but I couldn't bring myself to believe them, words became sickly twisted in my head if I over thought them.
"I can't deal with this, not right now. I know I twisted something to make it look worse than it apparently would, but I can't deal with this kind of feelings, I promised myself I would push any kind of romantic feelings to the post-college part of my life, ."
"Bella, sweetheart, you're an adult, and we can't make you see this if you don't want to, but Edward is genuinely a good guy, and neither you, nor your sick twisted mind can make that different, he likes you, and I don't think he will quit." When Rosalie finished speaking I sighed deeply.
"You know what's the strangest?"
They shook their heads no.
"Part of me hopes he won't quit on me either."
And with that we turned the lights off and went to sleep, tomorrow would be a long, long day of avoidance.
***
I woke up to notice that neither one of my best friends were in bed with me that morning. I looked at the clock on our nightstand and it read bright, red and bold 9:30 am. Who wakes up before 10 on a Saturday? Well, us probably. They most likely were hanging out with Emmett and Jasper and they wouldn't be back until late, so I had a whole day of nothingness ahead of me. Saturdays after the games, the cheerleaders were given the day off, to do whatever they wanted to do to recover from the game, so the couples usually went out on the weekends and I, single Bella, was left in the dorm to hang out with myself.
I was particularly lazy that morning, I must have tossed and turned on the sheets a good half an hour before gathering the will to lift myself up from the bed. I still had two thousand words to do from my assay due Monday, and today the library would be my home, hopefully I would get lost in another beat copy of Wuthering Heights and just chill there for the rest of the day, at night, ramen noodles were on menu, and I had no complaints about that. If I could summarize my college life so far, it would be coffee and ramen noodles, my meal card was barely touched, since I hardly ever made time for myself to grab a good bite around the campus.
Pushing myself out of bed, I noticed a note next to my cell phone which was strangely turned off.
Good Morning Sleeping Beauty. We're out with Jazzy and Emmie, if you need anything from us, just ring us, we left real early so we didn't have the courage to wake you up, Alice is still regretting yesterday, besides, you freaking cell phone didn't let us sleep this morning. I guess you were really tired. There's like twenty missed calls from Edward, give the guy a call, take him out of the misery, blow him away with your kissing skills, just don't do anything you don't want to do. Have fun writing your assay. We love you Belly. XOXO – Rose & Ali.
This could be considered more a letter than a note and Rose's hand written was remarkable, they must have left real soon. I looked at my phone, trying to make up my mind. Should I call him? Should I not? I had been really stupid the day before, but that didn't ease the feelings on me. I turned my phone on, and then it started beeping with messages and missed calls. I just erased them all, not even thinking twice before doing it, my heart suddenly got heavier, I decided to ignore it.
I grabbed a change of clothes, my toiletries and put my black flip flops on, directing myself to the showers, somehow, I don't know why, I always showered at the same time Lauren and Jessica did, their voices echoed on the bathroom which was empty, so, lucky me! It would be only the three on us on that bathroom. Kill me?
I placed my toiletries on the sink along with my clothes, removed my flip flops and stripped down from my pajamas wrapping myself up with a towel. Took my Strawberry Shampoo and Conditioner in hands along with my liquid body soap and got into the shower, the water was slightly warm, so it loosened my muscles a little. The smell of strawberry filled the air when I could finally eavesdrop their conversation.
"Poor thing, I don't know why he left the party so early, or why he was talking to her. I hear he is in love with someone right now." Lauren said to Jessica, he jaw dropped open before she could close it again.
"Please Lauren! It's Edward Cullen we're talking about. He doesn't fall in love; he's probably just playing with the poor girl… When he crushes her heart, she won't know what hit her."
Those girls had nothing else to talk about did they? I had a sudden urge to stand up for Edward, but I bit my tongue before I could say anything, I don't think I should be hearing their conversation.
"Yeah, you're probably right. He'll end up coming back to us. He always ends up in our bed. Remember that time with that Alicia girl?" They laughed, I felt my stomach sunk.
"Oh, I guess that was probably the best sex we've ever had, I bet she was crying all night long. Boo Hoo. I don't even know why they let themselves get fooled by his 'I care about you' act." Jessica's irritating voice made another two traitor tears fall out of the corner of my eyes. Like I said sweetheart, you're not good enough for him, face it, accept it. Nothing more than a round ass in his bed.
"The green eyes Jess, always the green eyes." I had to agree with Lauren on this one, how many emotions could he inflict on you by just a look? I had seen it all last night. Care. Devotion. Angst. Love. Anger. Everything. How could a girl not fall in love with those eyes.? Or with him?
I turned my shower off and the girls turned to look at me.
"Morning Bella. We didn't see you there." Thank God. I flashed them my fake smile.
"Good Morning girls." I said politely as I started to put my underwear underneath the towel wrapped around my body, after I successfully managed to put it on without showing any of my lady parts, Jessica and Lauren were entangled in their talk again, this time was about hair products, I think.
I put on my denim shorts and white tank top, brushed my teeth, combed and dried my hair before walking out of the bathroom, this was probably the worst shower I had in my life, my muscles were still tensed up from the girls talk, I knew I shouldn't have believed in anything they just said, but still, for the doubtful part of me that conversation made total sense.
Finally I arrived back to my dorm determined to not think about Edward Cullen today, or for the rest of the week. He was defiantly a non permitted subject on my mind. I unlocked the door quickly visualizing and reaching everything I wanted to take with me to the library, my white Apple Laptop, some books and my glasses. The books I chucked them into a backpack, with my laptop in hand and glasses already on my face. I left the dorm, locking the door as I left and walked down the stairs of the building to the housing parking lot, car keys in hand. As I got inside of my beautiful black New Beetle I took off.
My afternoon was pretty much spent between the millions of books. I sat alone at a table on the far end of the library, almost begging not to be disturbed, Mrs. Potts greeted me saying that she was missing me, because It had been quite a while since the last time I appeared there.
Although my nose was in the books, I could feel like someone was looking at me, I shook my head, I was probably getting paranoid. I finished the last two thousand words of my assay, checking it for the third time, I couldn't help but to get anal sometimes, and the third cup of coffee that afternoon – I grabbed them when I got up to stretch my legs – I looked up from the laptop screen just so my eyes could meet green ones, staring intently at me. Blush tinted my cheeks, and I looked away, starting to gather my things around and to get up. He held my wrist, forcing me to look at me.
"Let me go Edward." I hissed.
"Not until you talk to me, I called you at least twenty times, and sent you messages. Talk to me Bella." He whispered. His velvety voice was soft.
"What do you want to talk about?" I sunk back into my chair, closing my laptop so it wouldn't be barrier between us.
"Why did you take off like that yesterday Bella?" He chose a nice place to argue with me, I wouldn't raise my voice inside a library. "After all that was said and done…"
"I couldn't... I-I wouldn't." I pinched the bridge of my nose, sighing deeply and taking my glasses off, placing them on the table. "I can't."
"Wha-what?" He looked speechless; I knew he had got the meaning of my words. "You don't care about me, is that it? What you said to me yesterday… Was it a lie?"
I bit my bottom lip and my nostril inflated. "No Edward. I didn't lie, I like you, I do." He waited for me to say something else. "But I don't know if I trust you."
I took the rest of my stuff and left the table, I was out of the library so quickly that I didn't even realized that I had left my glasses behind. I would pass by to get them back later; I couldn't face him again, not at that moment.
Ramen noodles were my choice of food for that night, since I was the whole morning at the library as well the whole afternoon, I hadn't lunched, and my decision to not think about Edward had gone to hell. I ate my noodles watching a DVD copy of 'Gone with the Wind', sitting on the floor.
That was a good way to get rid of him at the library,y girl. Good going. You don't need to be another 'plus 1'.
I felt like telling my mind to shut up. Before James I would have trusted my feelings for Edward, I would have kissed him, probably even fucked him, I had to admit that previous to yesterday, whenever I would dream about him, or see him shirtless my panties grew damp, and all I wanted was to fuck him, right then and there and not think about what tomorrow would bring. On the other hand everything was different now, my panties still grew damp, but my urges were more under control and I always put my feelings on the table. James did made me tougher and more cautious and reserved, I hardly ever let anyone new in my life and I hardly open up about my feelings and needs anymore. Ironically I was Virgin Bella. All over again. Fuck.
My phone started to buzz and I saw a few missed calls from Alice and Rosalie, I had forgotten my cell phone at the apartment. I put my noodles on my side of the bed and got to a debate if I should open the one single message from Edward. Since I was already torturing myself, I figured, why the hell not? And there it was, screaming at me.
I got ur glasses.
Dun worry I'll send them over through Josh.
~Ed.
That was it, not another single word; the message was short, direct and somewhat cold. It stung a little, but I asked for it, I couldn't really hope that he would run after me after what I did to him, could I? It would be extremely selfish from my part, but I wanted him to make me trust him, I wanted to build it up and love him, but I wouldn't, I was too scared of any feeling that would lead to this, the finale was always the same: Someone always ended up with their hearts broken, no matter what. Surely there were the few of us, the lucky ones like Rosalie and Alice who found the love of a lifetime, someone who they could give themselves in, love and live. I envied them.
"Knock, knock." A male voice came from the open door; I looked up to find Joshua leaning against the door frame.
"Hey Josh, come on in." I said softy, he walked in and closed the door behind him.
"Rose and Alice told me to tell you that they will spend the night over the guys' dorms, Jasper somehow kicked Edward out and Emmett kicked me out, and I thought that it has been a long time since our last quality time together. Mind having a sleep over with your bro today?"
I smiled and patted the space on the floor next to me. "Not at all." He came to join me. "Ramen?" I offered him the second chicken Cup Noodles that was beside me, untouched, he took it.
"Fill me in with the recent buzz about your life Bells." Joshua requested, stealing my fork away and starting to eat his noodles.
"Nothing much. I called mom yesterday and she said that my old Ballet teacher wants me to teach there as soon as I finish college, I got excited at the time, but I won't get my hopes up, I still have two more college years, I highly doubt she will wait for me." I laughed, he did the same.
"Anything else?" I knew what he meant, but I didn't want to discuss any more of Edward, my head would explode if I did, so I just went with the second part of the talk I had with Renee.
"Oh yeah. I promised Renee to visit her in two weeks, you know… spend the weekend in Manhattan would be great, there's no beach like LA, but still, its home. I'm pretty sure she would love if you tagged along as well. I know you miss mom's pancakes."
"Yeah, I do. I'll call her tomorrow to tell her that I'm coming too." He had grabbed my hand and placed on his thighs, he was tracing patterns with his index fingers.
Passing time with Joshua was relaxing to me, even thought I loved my best friends, Joshua knew me like no one else, he was my best friend since I was born, and he truly was the big brother, he was overprotective and didn't like any guy I dated, including James, he wanted to know what I did and what I didn't do. It was impossible not to feel loved around him.
"Do you want to tell me anything else?" He raised his eyebrows, I shook my head no.
"Where are you getting at Josh?"
"Edward told me Bella, that he kissed you and he put out his feelings to you, you did the same and then, something went wrong so you pushed him away and stormed off the party like nothing had happened. What went wrong little sis?" His big blue eyes were locked in mine and for the second time that day, tears spilled out to my cheeks. What was this? Me, Isabella Marie Swan, crying over a man? This wasn't me, this didn't happen with me. Men didn't deserve my tears, so I whipped them away.
"Nothing went wrong. I just had an epiphany, a realization if you will."
He looked at me incredulously. "What are you talking about Isabella?"
"You know what I am talking about Joshua; I'm not good enough for him, for anyone. I'm messed up, I'm not beautiful and it's not going to happen. The more I want to Edward to prove me wrong, it's not going to happen, he may seem nice and act nice around me, but what happens when I finally give in? What happens when we have sex and the other day he mysteriously doesn't want anything to do with me? What happens when I'm left heartbroken?" I sighed and the tears were still running free down my cheeks.
Joshua put his noodles aside and folded me into his arms; I cried silently soaking his shirt. I could feel his body tremble when he chuckled without a sound. I looked up at him; he cupped my cheeks and gave me a kiss on the forehead.
"You don't see yourself very clearly do you Bells? You never did, and after what that bastard did to you, it has only gotten worse." He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear and smiled. "Trust me on this one, as the only man who will never hurt you in your life – outside dad, of course – you are a beautiful woman Bells, you're intelligent and strong and every man's dream, and I'm lucky to have you as my sister, and to try to put some sense in my big head, but now it's my turn to try to put some sense into yours."
I frowned as her got up, lifting me up with him and putting me sitting on the end of the bed, he started to pace in front of me.
"Bells, you have no idea how much I had to deal with Edward. He was driving me crazy, completely and absolutely nuts. Ever since he started to look at you differently he made sure he told me, at first I was as skeptical as you are, I couldn't believe him, Edward Cullen the ultimate womanizer with a schedule, I spent the first month trying to believe him, and it was a hard thing to do, because he would come back to the dorm in the mornings after spending another night in some other girl's dorm, but when he saw you, it was like the world had stopped for him. I got surprised at first, then, I started to believe him. He was asking me for tips and for everything to get to you Bella. The guy has it bad, head over heels for you."
Cue to deep sighing.
"I didn't know if I should help him or not, but the thing is… it was so authentic Bella, so raw, that I had to help him. The countless amounts of time he spent with you made him hopeful, but he said that when he tried to get too close, or when you were around other people you would push him away and you would act differently, that's why he was still sort of sleeping around, I know it's no good excuse, but he was confused if you wanted him or not and he was trying to forget you. I feel like a chick talking about another man with you Bella…" He laughed. "But it's the truth, he likes you, and I know you like him too. Let him in Bells, let him in. You can't turn yourself into a nun, locked up inside four walls. Love will happen for you, and I think this is a big chance; it breaks my heart to see you throw away something that can be good for you. I may fight with you from time to time, but I love you little sis, and you know I wouldn't be throwing you to some guys' arms if I didn't knew it was safe.
And it is, I swear to God it hurts like hell to see you miserable. Fuck, I'm a chick." I laughed. "Anyways, he doesn't know about James and he thinks it's his fault, and that he is the one doing something wrong. Lift that weight off his shoulder, ok? You don't have to do anything now, but promise you'll try, I know you have a thick skull and everything but remember that I'm your big brother, I want what it's best for you."
I sat there as I tried to digest his every word, this was a complete point of view, I knew that Joshua was Edward's best friend, but I never knew that they talked so much to each other and that those talks were about me. I didn't cry, and the voice on my head didn't show up to bring me down, I knew I looked dumbfounded and what else. I let my body drop on the mattress and stared at the ceiling, my breathing was irregular and my heart was pounding so fast on my chest that I was afraid that it would break through my ribs and make my ears explode. I felt something that I hadn't felt in a long time, I felt loved.
I'm not talking about the type of brother-sister love I shared with Joshua, I knew it was there, but it was the undiscovered love and I knew I shouldn't get in too deep, I knew Edward didn't love me, but that didn't stop my heart to swell. I just had to make right my wrongs, but I had to give myself time, time to put my thoughts in place, time to re-organize myself and trust my feelings this time, I could trust Edward, I knew I could, and I would, I would let myself have at least this little taste of love on the tip of my tongue. I deserved it after all.
"Bells? Say something. You're starting to scare me." I looked at Joshua, supporting the top half of my body with my elbows.
"Could we not talk about this anymore? Not now at least. I have a lot to digest and this might take days." I laughed and he laughed along.
"Okay, what do you want to talk about?"
"Your romantic life?" Joshua's eyes widened. "What? I'm quite aware this will take the entire night, but at least it will distract me from mine." I smiled.
"Alright." He grabbed his noodles and sat with me on the bed.
"Who should we start with? Hmm… Let me think…" I rubbed my hands together. "Elizabeth Carter." My voice may have come out a little disgusted.
"What about her?" His voice was muffled from the noodles he had stuffed into his mouth.
"What do you see in her?"
"She's…" He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Nice."
I raised my eyebrows and laughed. That was the best he could come up with? We entertained each other for the rest of the night, I questioned his taste in woman, he tickled me, we watched Transformers and he told me on, on about how Megan Fox is hot and how he would bang her, I got disgusted and took the movie off the DVD before mental images swamped themselves into my mind, we didn't talk about Edward that night, which was refreshing, he didn't pushed me into making a decision that night, but I knew he hoped I would make a decision soon enough, and I hoped that myself.
In the end we ended up sleeping, Joshua snoring and I muffling the sound with the pillow. Sometimes was just fun to have these kind of nights with Joshua, we ended up being kids again, and coming back to the childhood was safe, you didn't have to worry about heartbreaks and love, neither what tomorrow would bring.
That night I decided I would take a day at a time and only speak to Edward when I was ready, when I felt completely and entirely ready. Hopefully that day would come before he quit on me.
A/N2: I'm terribly sorry for the lack of Edward in this chapter, but it was needed. You'll see why. The less you review the longer it'll take me to post a new chapter.