AUTHOR'S NOTE/WARNING: Before you read, I want to take the time to warn you all that Edward and Bella in this story are OOC to the MAX. They will be crude, rude, lewd, and extremely filthy! ENJOY! ^_~
As always: Everything and anything related to the Twilight saga belongs to Stephenie Meyer. This is a work of fiction based on her writings. No harm is meant by it.
Special thanks to my beta freakyhazeleyes.
Chapter One: The game and ALL its rules
"Man, I need to find me a woman like Liz Lemon," Edward moaned in between a handful of popcorn eyeing Tina Fey on the screen as if she was the cure for cancer. "A little nuts, intelligent, and crazy hot. I would give it to her so hard and she would have to keep the glasses on. Definitely with her glasses on."
"Yeah, she's hot. She looks like one of those closet freaks, like a 'lady in the streets, freak in the sheets'," Bella commented back, trying to be stealthy as she stole another sip of Edward's beer. It wasn't his first of the night, nor was it her first stolen sip of the night.
"My kind of girl! And stop drinking my beer, Swan. You said you didn't want any, so piss off," he scolded, pulling the beer far from her and keeping it out of her reach.
"Whatever, Cullen," Bella scoffed rolling her eyes. She crossed her arms and pouted, sticking out her bottom lip. She made sure to keep her eyes on Edward. She looked so much like the stubborn little girl she was growing up. Yes, it was immature, but the face was lethal. Edward could never resist the face.
"Aww, come on, Bells. Not the face! Anything, but the face! I can't handle the fucking face," he winced, trying to avert her eyes. He even went as far as closing his eyes, but she whimpered, "Eddddd-ward!", and that was it. He handed the beer right over, much to Bella's delight. She smiled smugly, tilting the neck of the bottle toward him in a strange sort of 'Thank you' and 'I'll always win' toast and took a long chug of the frothy beverage, moaning in satisfaction mostly to piss Edward off.
"I can't believe I've been falling for that look for the last twenty years." He shook his head in disbelief. He should already be immune to it and yet every time, like clockwork, Bella's bottom lip pushed forward and Edward conceded. It was fucking unfair if you asked him.
"Yeah, you're pretty much an idiot for it," Bella chided, laughing loudly, which only served to add salt to Edward's wounds.
"Oh really?" Edward voice rose suggestively at the end of the word really and by the look on his face, the sly smirk and raised eyebrow, Bella knew what was coming and immediately jumped off the couch.
"Look Edward, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," Bella pleaded retreating from the living room as she watched Edward begin to make his way to her. He looked like a lion on the prowl, crazy mane and all.
"I don't think so, Swan. I think you need to pay for that one," he growled as he lunged at her, swiftly and gracefully leaping over the sofa to trap her against the floor.
"Prepare to feel my wrath, Bella," he bellowed latching his fingers at her side. He hesitated, letting Bella feel at peace for a moment. Anticipation is the best weapon for such an attack and Edward knew it. He slowly let his finger tips ghost across her ribs over her shirt. He emitted a hearty laugh and tickled her relentlessly. It was amusing to watch as Bella laughed in hysterics, pleading for him to stop while tears streamed down her face as Edward's fingers skillfully hit each ticklish spot, not stopping. Nothing had changed for them since they were kids. They would always be the same two crazy best friends who lived for one another.
They met when they were four at a play date set up by both their mothers one day after they met at the local supermarket when each of them was just four. Bella's mother, Renee, was unbelievably scatterbrained. To this day, Bella had no idea how Renee actually went about living. Renee had been too busy trying to stop Bella's whining about a box of cookies she wouldn't get her that she hadn't realized where she was steering her shopping cart when she suddenly collided with the end of Edward's mother, Esme. Bella's mother never failed to remind her that Edward had been the epitome of the perfect child. He was quiet, staring up at his mother earnestly as she explained to him what happened. He had just smiled, apparently, as Bella only continued to cry hysterically.
But that had not been the reason that they had set up the play date. That came when Edward had managed to stop Bella's crying by passing her a piece of strawberry candy. Bella had shyly accepted it, sniffling as she thanked him, and in the "sweetest, most adorable voice", Renee's words not Bella's, he told her 'pretty girls shouldn't cry'.
The rest is as they say… history.
From then on in, the two have been an unstoppable force. They did everything together. Even as they got older they never let the stigma of having a best friend of the opposite sex affect them, even after one of their classmates, Tyler Crowley in high school had called Edward a pussy because Bella was only his friend and not more. To this day, Tyler still has a small scar just above his left eyebrow from when Edward smacked him with a textbook.
They had shared many things together, including their first kiss at the age of eleven during a game of spin the bottle and losing their virginity, because Edward didn't want to suck when he actually "finally got around to fucking a girl" and Bella just wanted to get it over with already. Regardless of all this, all these things that almost always destroyed the very being of a relationship between best friends, Edward and Bella remained unfazed by it and continued on the way they always were. They were the kind of friends you always heard about that could finish each other's sentences and always seemed to be in harmony, always knowing what the other is thinking.
It was only natural they moved in together after college. They knew each other's habits, whether it was Bella always finishing the milk, or Edward's nasty habit of leaving his underwear on the bathroom floor. They knew each other through and through. No subject was taboo, including sex.
"Edward, stop. STOP! My stomach is starting to hurt. STOP!" she bellyached desperately trying to pry Edward's fingers away. Edward stopped and picked himself up off the floor, helping Bella up after. The two walked back to their spots on the couch, picking up from where they left off, watching Tina Fey and drinking beer.
"When did we become such losers?" Bella asked as she grabbed an Oreo cookie and twisted it perfectly so all the cream stayed to one side.
"Speak for yourself there, Bella." Edward scoffed through a mouthful of cookie.
"If I'm not mistaken, I'm not the only one home on a Saturday night watching reruns of 30 Rock in my pajamas, which in fact have been on since last night," Bella argued throwing the cream less side of her Oreo at Edward, who nonchalantly just picked it off his thigh and ate it.
"God, I don't even remember the last time I got laid," Bella continued catching Edward's attention wholly now.
"Tell me about it," he interjects, "Well, I remember, but I can't remember the last time I got laid properly. Tanya was abysmal. She was so stiff, never wanted to try anything, and God forbid if my dick ever came near her mouth. Do you know she bit it? She bit my fucking dick, man. That was the worst thing ever," Edward reminisced his face scrunching as he remembered the pain.
"I remember," Bella started to laugh. "You came flying out of your bedroom, crying and screaming like a little girl." Bella stood up and started running around the living room, her hands held over herself.
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK? SHE BIT ME! SHE FUCKING CHOMPED ON IT! ICE! I NEED SOME FUCKING ICE! BELLA! HELP ME!" Bella masterfully reenacted, voice screeching just as Edward's had that night. She crashed down on the couch laughing hysterically afterward.
"That's not funny, Bells. You don't have a penis, so you wouldn't know. Plus, it's not like your sex life is any better than mine. How many times did I hear you fake it with Jacob?" Edward countered imitating her just like she had done to him.
"Oh, Jacob! Ah. OOH. Yeah. I'm coming," he mimicked, his voice dead and monotone. Bella groaned and covered her face with her hands in embarrassment.
"Ugh, he was terrible. Talk about 'minute man'. The only upside was that his fingers were so thick and long, and those…those were magical," Bella recounted chuckling. "Magical fingers. It sounds like a bad name for a sex toy."
"I need to get laid," Edward suddenly spoke huffing as he crossed his arms.
"Ditto," Bella answered quickly. She couldn't have agreed more, but Edward had taken it the wrong way.
"Excuse me? You need to get laid too!"
"I know that. That's what I meant," she chided throwing a pillow at him that missed him by a mile. He picked it up without even having to get up out of his seat. Bella mentally cursed him and his long limbs. He held up the pillow, aiming it right at Bella.
"Do you really want to start this?" he challenged smirking forebodingly. She shook her head no and Edward dropped the pillow back onto the couch.
"I need some excitement, something interesting in my life," Bella murmured turning to the television, the humongous monster of a flat screen that Edward insisted they needed. She kept her eyes focused on the television screen as Tracy Morgan's character threw a tantrum, but every so often she peeked over at Edward who looked deep in thought, contemplating something difficult.
"You doing math in your head, Cullen?" she asked sarcastically, chuckling at the old joke. It was something she always said to him.
"Very funny, Bella. Never gets old. I'm trying to think of ways to make our lives exciting." He turned to her, gazing at her seriously, which always managed to make Bella nervous. That stare never meant anything good.
"Bella, how opposed to sex are you?" he asked earnestly, turning the television off as he focused entirely on her. Bella sighed.
"Obviously, I'm not opposed to it. What kind of a stupid question is that?" Bella rolled her eyes and made to reach for the remote, but Edward swatted her hand away. He took a deep breath and began speaking again, this time his voice wavered slightly.
"Let me rephrase that. This is going to sound ridiculous, but how opposed to sex with me are you?" He gulped loudly as he waited for Bella's response awaiting that laughter that he knew would ensue, but instead she just sat there with a blank expression across her face. Edward took it as a bad sign and this time he was the one to try to turn the television back on and have the remote removed from his hand.
"What do you mean?" Bella asked her voice meek and breathy. She was confused, to say the least.
"I propose something sort of like 'friends-with-benefits'. Whenever we really want some, we go to the other person. It doesn't mean anything. Just two people who need some sort of release," Edward answered shrugging his shoulders apathetically as Bella thought about his suggestion, coming up with something of her own.
"What if instead of that, because you're a horn dog and I'd like to be able to walk," she began, getting interrupted by Edward's laughter and snarky remark of, "You want it just as bad."
"Zip it, Don Juan. What if we made this more interesting?" her voice peaked at the end stirring Edward.
"What do you suggest, Swan? Are we gonna get kinky?" he inquired waggling his eyebrows only to be met by Bella's deadpanned expression.
"I suggest twenty six weekends." Edward stared at Bella confused urging her to continue explaining.
"Okay, twenty six sex filled weekends," she informed much to Edward's delight. His eyes widened and a smile spread across his face.
"Why twenty six?" he wondered, aloud.
"Ah, my dear horny best friend, there are twenty six letters in the alphabet. Each weekend will be dedicated to another letter, in which the person, we'll switch off weekends, will decide that weekend's activity."
"Okay, I'll like the sound of this, but instead of going right along with the alphabet, why don't we write out all the letters on paper and then one us of will pick out the letter. That way, we never know until the day of, like we can make it a legit surprise."
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is, every Sunday starting tomorrow, one of us will pick out a letter. Then the person will have the whole week to decide what it is they want to do with the letter. On Friday night, we will inform the other party which letter was selected and then on Saturday, we will perform said act, a position, or the location to have sex, so be it. And then on Sunday, we recover and begin the process of picking out the letter all over again," he explained animatedly causing Bella to smile.
"Alright, Cullen. You've got yourself a deal. Starting tomorrow we will be playing the alphabet game."
"The alphabet game? That sounds lame, Bella," Edward chastised.
"Oh and what would you suggest, Mr. I-Know-Everything?" she retorted taking a stand.
"Calm down, Karate kid. How about 'The Bella and Edward are totally getting laid this weekend, so don't bother them' game?"
"How about…no! How about we just call it, our Alphabet Weekends"?
"I like that. Deal, but since I'm bored can I just pick out the letter now?" Edward bounced in his seat; he was antsy to get the game started.
"Why do you get to pick it out? I came up with the idea," Bella disputed, huffing immaturely.
"Oh grow up, Bells. Besides, the picking of the letter was my idea," he argued.
"Do you want this to happen, Edward?"
"Fine, you get to pick first, but that means I get the last letter!"
"And I'm the one that needs to grow up?"
"Whatever. Let's do this. You write out the letters and I'll go get something to pick them out of," he offered, getting up to go to his bedroom.
"Oh right, give me the manual labor."
"Shut it and start writing!" he bellowed from inside his bedroom closet.
Fifteen minutes later, twenty six equally sized pieces of loose leaf paper sat nestled at the bottom of one of Edward's ski caps.
"Are you ready?" he asked biting his lip. He was nervous and that only served to make Bella panic even more.
"Not really, but let's just get this over with."
Bella's hand dipped into the hat, her fingers played with the papers before pulling one out. She opened it quickly, away from Edward's eyes.
"Okay, now what?" she asked, storing the paper into her pocket in her sweat pants.
"I don't know. Any more rules to this game?"
Bella racked her brain for anything else before deciding that one more rule needed to be implemented, the same rule that had been instilled when they lost their virginity to each other. It had been Edward's idea and Bella had agreed completely.
"No kissing."
"Deal!" he nodded his head sitting back down on the couch. Bella joined him quickly and they went back to doing what they were doing, watching Tina Fey and drinking beer.