Disclaimer- I do not own The Outsiders. Thinks for all the reviews.

I couldn't sleep. Everything in our room seemed to be screaming at me, just daring me to think of my brother. His backpack was by his desk. Books and papers were all stone about carelessly. Behind me on our bed shelf was more books, all his. His cloths were in the closet.

And of course there was the bed itself. His pillows stilled smelled like him. I hated not having him there and he never would be there again.

Darry was in the other room, making phone calls. The state, Pony's school, the guys. He called anyone who might want to know. Think God I have him. Ever since our parents died he was the one who held our family together. It's killing him that it is this way. Being strong for everyone its just killing him. But you know if it weren't for Darry being so strong I would already be dead inside.

Darry

I sighed hanging up the phone. How on earth was I going to do this? How can I really and truly do this?

I opened the dresser drawer next to my bed and pulled out a couple of pictures nobody knew I even had. I bit my lip. The first was my parents at their wedding. Dad has his arms around mom. His face was all in her hair. She was grinning grabbing his hands and placing them around her waist.

My mother was so beautiful and Pony, he and Soda both look just like her. What would she say? How could she ever forgive me for making Pony run off that night, for having to, to kill him? And dad, we look just a like but we couldn't be more different. He was calm and cool. He would never hit Pony. He would never lose his temper like I did, like I always do.

I've always wanted to make dad proud of me. He could never be proud of me now. I don't deserve it. Not now and not ever.

I put the picture behind the others. It was our family, all of us. I can't remember who took it but it was one of the last one's taken of all of us together. Pony was sitting between me and Soda. Mom and dad stood behind with hands on our shoulders. Both had a hand on Pony's.

We were all smiling, happy, blissfully unaware that things were going to change. It was looking as if now we would never be a happy family again. Mom and dad were gone and Ponyboy was soon to follow. I sighed once more moving the picture behind the others.

The last one was very special. Dad took it. I was sitting in his armchair holding my then two year old brother in lap. He was so happy just looking at me. He thought I was great then, a hero, Superman.

The night before the accident I heard him talking to Soda. He thought I hated him. He actually thought I wanted to stick him in some boys home, that he was a burden to me. And now I'll never be able ti correct that, to rectify the situation. My little brother is trapped inside a body and a mind that just don't work.

Tomorrow we are setting him free. Tomorrow we pull the plug and my fourteen year old brother will die. How can I let a fourteen year old die? I've failed him. I have utterly failed him. And now I have to face life without ever seeing him again.

Soda

I couldn't stomach anything for breakfast and on the way to the hospital I didn't say a word. Darry didn't offer one either, too much on the mind.

Steve and Two-bit were waiting on us when we got there. Steve walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "You okay Soda?" I shook my head. Steve clinched my shoulder. "I understand." I nodded. I couldn't bring myself to look at Ponyboy, not yet.

Two-Bit stood up. He held out his hand to Darry who shook it firmly. "I'm, going to get Johnnycakes and bring him down." Darry nodded.

"Thanks." He replied gruffly. Steve let go of my shoulder.

"You want me to stay here with you or you want to be alone?" Good old Steve, he always has my back.

"Stay, please."

"Alright buddy. I'll stay." He plopped down in a chair. I looked down at my shoes. If I looked at my brother this would all be to real. I had made the decision with Darry and I knew it was for the best, but their was still the part of me screaming. I wanted my little brother.

I wanted a game of football or tickle torture. I wanted to hear him tell me I wasn't dumb to hear him laugh, anything, just anything.

There was a knock on the hospital cubical. A man walked in. I looked up. He was familiar but I couldn't recall from where.

"Hello Darrel, Sodapop. I heard the news this morning. I came right over." He looked awful sorry. He had on sweats and a whistle. Who was he?

"Hello Coach Winters." Darry said shaking his hand. Coach Winters, now I remember. He teaches history at the high school. He's Ponyboy's track coach.

"Sodapop." He nodded at me. I nodded back. He turned to look at Pony. His face was drawn and serious. I looked at my brother the first time today.

Coach grabbed my brother's hand. He put something in there. Some kind of track pin. Darry had once I think. "I'm going to miss having you on the squad Curtis. I really think you had the stuff to make it to state. You had to be the fastest kid I've coached in years. I really was looking forward to having you in my class next year you know." He put a hand on my brother's shoulder and walked away from the bed.

"I'm truly sorry Darrel. I enjoyed coaching your brother, for what it's worth. He'd have been a good football player too." Oh Yeha he was assistant football coach too. How could I have forgotten?

Darry clinched his teeth. He was having a hard time keeping his cool, a real hard time. "Thank you sir. "That means a lot to us." Coach Winter's nodded and left the room.

"What he put in the kids hand?" Steve asked. Darry walked over and opened Ponyboy's palm. He grimaced.

"It's a track pin. It goes on a varsity lettermen's jacket."

Steve gave a low whistle. I just looked down again. My little brother would never get his lettermen. He would never wear a cap and gown. He'd never wear a tux to his wedding, so many uniforms he would never dawn. I sighed.

"Hey yawl." Johnny croaked. I turned around. He was frowning looking at his shoes. Two-bit had his hands on the chair. Johnny could move it by himself. He was getting really strong again but he was upset.

I nodded. Darry grunted. Two-Bit put Johnny near the bed. Johnny looked at the floor for a moment. He wrung his hands together. Johnny is kind of quiet normally but this was intense. I held my breath.

Johnny licked his lips. "Hey man." His shoulders stiffened. Greasers are supposed to be tough, unbreakable. But none of could feel that way, not today. Fourteen years aint near enough time to live. But what had to be done, had to be done.

"I'm going to miss ya. Fourteen years aint long enough Pone, it aint near long enough." Johnny pulled away. He wouldn't look up at us. "I'm going to my room now."

"I'll come with ya Johnnycakes." Two-Bit has a hard time handling serious situations. He turned around to look at me. "I already talked to the kid." But he turned around anyways and touched Pony's shoulder. "You're a tough kid Curtis. I'm going ta miss budding it around with you."

He grabbed Johnny's wheelchair and they left the room. I sighed. This was it. It was time for me and Darry. We had to say goodbye. We never got to say goodbye to our parents. They died in an instant, or so I'm told. I shivered.

Steve looked up at me. He always knows what I'm feeling. Darry put his arm around my shoulder. "I got him Steve. You can go see Johnny." I understood. This something the two of us should do, together.

Steve nodded, "You need anything yawl just call." I nodded my head at him trying to force a smile but it wouldn't come out right.

"Thanks Steve." He left the room. This was it. My heart pounded in my chest. Darry pulled me into a sort of half hug. I gave him one back. Then we both pulled up chairs to the side of Pony's bed and grabbed his hands.

I couldn't speak, couldn't think. The words just wouldn't come. For once in my life I was speechless. I looked at Darry. He was holding back tears, trying to be strong for us. God bless him. But he doesn't need to do that, not for me. It's killing him.

He reached over and stroked Ponyboy's short hair. Short hair didn't suit my brother. "Oh Pony. I'm so, so sorry baby. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to hit you. You should be at school right now. I'm so sorry."

I could feel the track pin in my hand. I closed my eyes as Darry kept calling. "I love you Pony. I'm sorry I never told you little buddy, but I love you so much. I wanted you to make something of yourself so badly. You deserved it. You never deserved this." Darry brought Ponyboy's hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles.

My turn, my turn; it was my turn. What could I say. My feelings for my brother couldn't be wrapped up into one sentence or into ten. I sighed.

"Pony, honey… I love you. You're… i.. I'll miss you, you know. I'm glad I got to have you here with me. If." I sighed. 'if you see mom and dad you should go to them. Okay honey."

I kissed his cheek and whispered into his ear. "You were my favorite person in the world kiddo, just so you know. I am so glad you were my baby brother. If.." I lifted my head up. There was the sound of footsteps and Doctor Hansen walked in. OI sighed.

"Are you ready boys." Of course I would never be ready.

"Go ahead." Darry said gruffly.

Darry

Doctor Hansen made to turn off all the machines. I squeezed Ponyboy's hand tightly. Please don't be in pain, please don't be in pain.