Author's Note: I'm so sorry it took so long to update, but this was a little bit longer than expected, and I had a lot of other plans this week. Plus, I had to read Frankenstein for English. It wasn't as bad as I expected, but it certainly wasn't a fun book to read. Thanks for all the reviews and favorites! Sorry if Brennan is a little OOC.
Disclaimer: Bones doesn't belong to me, it belongs to Fox.
The bones swam in front of her eyes, and she stepped away from the table, sighing in frustration. Their last conversation, although it had been more of a one-sided argument, kept replaying over and over in her mind. No matter how many times she told herself to focus, or tried to block it from her mind, she couldn't. It ran in her head like a broken record, every word distinct and clear.
Realizing that continuing to try to work would be futile, she began packing up the bones, placing each one carefully back in the box. Now that she'd had time to think over what had happened between them, she knew that it wasn't entirely his fault…again. Yet, she'd lashed out, taking away from him what was probably one of the most important things to him at the moment.
As she carried the box down to Limbo, it was easy to think rationally about this. But when she saw him, whenever that would be, the anger would boil up again and consume her. She was always so good at controlling her emotions, had always been able to lock them up in a box whenever she so chose. It was like he'd found the key, though, and one look at him could send everything she'd been keeping inside spilling out.
It wasn't as if she had told him everything. She still had some self-control left; the things he knew barely skimmed the top of what she was keeping inside. It was the more recent things she couldn't hide away, like a case that hit a little to close to home or some kind of trouble with her newly re-built family.
She was making her way back to her office when she saw him. What was he doing here? Where was Parker, and what about his going to church? He always went to church.
He was sitting in her office, in her desk chair, guaranteeing that she would have to see him before she left. She briefly considered turning around, and heading back down to Limbo, but that wasn't who she was. If she was going to end up in an argument with someone, she went in head-first, fighting tooth and nail.
Is that how he'd changed her? Made her afraid to walk up to him and talk? That's not who she was, nor who she ever will be, but this irrational hesitation had her furious. Mostly at herself, but there was a fair amount which was directed at him.
So she kept putting one foot in front of the other, her head swirling with this new development. Why was he here? Wasn't he angry with her?
Well, isn't that what you wanted? A tiny voice in the back of her head nagged. Him to be angry with you?
Maybe that's what she had wanted in the beginning, but now all she wanted was for him to forgive her…again. The third time in little more than a day, but this time she wasn't sure if he would be able to do it.
She stepped over the threshold, and he stood, shoving his hands down into his pockets. She could barely meet his gaze; his eyes were filled with a kind of pain she'd never thought she'd make him feel. It only made the guilt weigh heavier on her shoulders, and she made her way over to the couch, collapsing down onto it.
"What are you doing here?" She said softly, forcing herself to look over at him again.
"I wanted to ask you something." He replied, his gaze turning dark now with anger, and his voice low, serious.
"What?" He stepped around her desk until he was standing in front of it. Leaning against it, he pulled his hands out of his pockets and crossed them over his chest.
"Why?" Hearing this word fly from his lips caused her to turn away, staring down at the hands clasped in her lap.
"You know why." She evaded his question, hoping that it would be enough to convince him.
"Now, I don't think I do. You say that it's because I'm leaving, or that I could die-" She winced at this, but he kept talking. "-or that it's because I should have told you my feelings earlier. I think that all of those are excuses. This time, it was something a little deeper."
As he spoke, he had come to sit on the coffee table in front of her, arms still folded across his chest. He continued to speak, his words cutting through her. "But that would mean revealing your inner emotions, wouldn't it? Those that you wish will go away if you beat them down hard enough. But they never do, do they? They're always there, just waiting for you to let your guard down so that they may take over. That's the time when you hide away, letting them come over you somewhere private, so that you might not seem weak. But I know you, and I know when there's something swirling beneath the surface that you're trying to hide, and I'm not going to let you." He paused, taking in a breath.
"Fine, Booth. Do you really want to know why I acted that way?" She could feel the anger bubble up in her, but this time she found that she could harness it, keep it under control so that she wouldn't explode in his face again. "I felt it again."
"Felt what?" His expression and tone radiated confusion. She paused for a moment to get herself back in control, and spoke again.
"The same thing that I felt when you were dead." Now it was his turn to wince. "This empty ache that starts in my chest and just continues to spread like some kind of parasite." She could see that her words were affecting him, despite the fact that he tried to hide it.
"Nothing will make it go away." She continued. "I don't know how much time I spent here during those two weeks, but it was never enough. Angela dragged me out of the lab most nights, forcing me to go home and shower, eat, sleep. But that was when it was too much. I'd end up sneaking out of my own apartment after she fell asleep."
"It's the same thing I felt when my parents disappeared. To know that the people you trusted the most had deserted you without any warning. And now you're leaving again." A long pause followed these words, neither person able to come up with anything to say.
"Where's Parker?" She asked, her words slicing through the silence like a knife. "He's not out in your car, is he?"
"No. He's with Rebecca. She said I could have him for the day. I don't suppose you're rescinding your decision?"
"I have to think about it." She said, making her way over to her desk. "I don't know how I feel about everything at the moment."
He moved quickly. She had only the time to turn to face him before he was in front of her, hands placed on the desk on either side of her, effectively trapping her against it. "What's there to think about?" He whispered, his face so close that she could feel his breath brush across her lips.
"Whether or not I'll regret it if you die." She spat, glaring up at him. His eyes darkened with anger again, and for a moment his hands clenched into fists.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.'" He quoted Alfred Lord Tennyson, and his words momentarily stunned her. It gave him the opening that he was looking for.
He leaned over, capturing her lips in a hard kiss, one that sent shivers up and down her spine, even as she told herself she could not be enjoying this. Her back pressed into the desk, but she barely noticed as she returned his kiss, his fingers becoming tangled in her hair.
"Booth." She managed to gasp out as his lips found their way to her neck. "Booth."
This time, it was a bit more forceful, and he pulled away, taking a step back. Cold air immediately rushed in to replace the warmth of his body, and she involuntarily shivered. "What are we doing?" She whispered, wrapping her arms around herself. "I don't even know what we are to each other anymore. This constant up and down, it's not working. Every time I think that I'm okay with you leaving, and what you told me, I realize that I'm not the moment I see you again. So I lash out at you because I need someone to blame for why I'm feeling this way. And since it seems to me that you are the cause of this whole thing, I find myself blaming you. But it's not your fault. I'm just…I'm just…" Her voice trailed off as she couldn't say the last word. It wasn't like her to just open up like this, but around him, it was almost as if he let her become herself. A person who wasn't afraid to share what she was feeling.
"Afraid." He finished her sentence with what she needed to say, just like he had so many times before.
"Yes. I'm…afraid."
"I don't want you to be afraid." He murmured, stepping towards her again. "I'll be fine."
"I already told you-"
"-that you can't promise something like that, I know." He interjected, finishing her sentence once again.
"Do you think that maybe we could…still go out tonight?" She felt a calm come over her, despite the fact that she could still feel anger burning somewhere in her. She suddenly wanted to spend every moment from now until he left with him, even though only hours before she could barely stand the sight of his face.
"Yeah." He broke out into a grin, and she couldn't stop herself from smiling back. "Seven-thirty sound okay?"
"What are we doing?"
"Isn't that for me to know, and you to find out?" He said teasingly, arms reaching out to encircle her waist. "Although I was going to take you out, I think I'd rather make dinner for you at my place."
"Which means that you won't have to pick me up." She replied, returning his embrace and leaning into him.
"But, Bones-"
"You know full well that I am capable of driving over to your place. If we were going out, it probably would have been a different story." She cocked her head as she thought this over. "Probably."
"Why do you have to act so independent all the time?" He asked, bending his head towards hers until their foreheads touched.
"Because I've been independent for so long that I don't know how to act any other way. Besides, I don't like to think of myself as a woman who needs a man around all the time." She whispered, finding herself caught up in what Angela would call 'the moment', despite her best efforts not to.
"That's why I like you so much." He said, his eyes dancing mischievously. She knew that he had purposely left the word love out. She liked that; despite their time constraints, it would be much simpler if they took everything in steps, even if each step came much more quickly than normal.
"Thanks. It's served me well over the years." He chuckled at this, and she felt what must be a goofy smile spread over her lips. His laughter was infectious, though, and she joined him for a few seconds, all thoughts of his departure gone for at least a little while.
The laughter soon died, however, and his eyes grew intense again with a look she was beginning to recognize. Her tongue darted out to lick her lips nervously as he closed the distance between them, his lips landing softly on hers.
It was everything that the other kiss hadn't been. Sweet, slow, gentle. It was the sort of kiss that started relationships, not ended them. It was one born of an unfulfilled love, not of anger as the one they had shared only a few moments before.
He was careful this time, treading lightly into this uncharted territory. Why didn't we do this earlier?
That was her only thought as his tongue slid over hers. She let herself go; finally, she was able to fully understand what he meant about 'putting her brain into neutral, and popping her heart into overdrive'. There had been some semblance of understanding at her father's murder trial, but nothing like this.
When he finally pulled away, they were both gasping for air, chests heaving.
"You should go." She managed to gasp out, looking at him. "You have to pick Parker up for church."
"What, you're looking to get rid of me after I gave you the best kiss of your life?" He said huskily. "I think I deserve better than that."
"I don't know if it was the best kiss of my life, but…" She let her voice trail off, and he gave her a mock injured look. "It's important for you to have this time with Parker. Besides, I'll be at your house at seven-thirty."
"You could come with us." He said, leaning in for another kiss. She placed her hands on his chest, and pushed him away. He rolled his eyes, and folded his arms over his chest. "I don't like to think of you working here all day, by yourself."
"Trust me." She said, turning to make her way behind her desk, shrugging out of her lab coat. "Somehow, Angela is going to get wind of all this, and she's going to come here and find me. Then, she's going to drag me out to go shopping. So therefore, I won't be here working all day. I'll be with Angela, at the mall." She'd sunk into her desk chair, case file in one hand. The way her face scrunched up when she said the word 'mall' caused him to chuckle again, and she looked up at him with an annoyed expression on her face.
"You don't get it, Booth. If she already has an idea of what she wants you to wear, she will drag you all over the mall until you find it." He just smiled at this, and leaned over to press a kiss to her forehead.
"I'll see you tonight." She smiled back at him, and nodded in agreement.
"I'll be looking forward to it." She said, and he made his way out of her office, pausing in the doorway to look back at her one last time.
"Bye, Bones."
"Goodbye, Booth." She rolled her eyes, but watched him as he made his way out of the lab. She felt a warmth spread through her, and she smiled softly to herself, letting her fingers ghost over her lips. Normally, she wouldn't let herself dwell over such meaningless things as a kiss, but this was different. It was Booth.
Rolling her eyes at herself this time, she turned her attention to the paperwork in front of her. She would see Booth tonight, and as for Angela, who knew how long it would take before she came walking in here? She might as well get some work done before that happened.