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Darry

The room is all ready. I helped a nurse put Pony in some PJs. He just went rigid. He was so stiff and unmviable. He moaned some, just moaned. Vegetable, its like a term for infant, infant in a much larger body. No, worse. I remember Ponyboy as an infant. He was so curious so placid and calm.

The one thing similar is reflex. When a baby is little they grasp when touched. Sometimes he'll do that. If you rub his hand long enough he'll grasp it. He grapes it but he has no idea why. Maybe he's rooting for food, for attention. If he feels any kind of attachment I have no idea.

My baby brother has no idea who I am,. I've never had a knife stab me in the heart but I think it must feel something like that. It hurts even worse knowing I had a part in it.

Pony is staring at the ceiling blankly. Soda is holding his hand and I just sit and watch. We'll have to leave soon. I've never left him for more then a weekend, even growing up. We always did stuff together as a family. I sighed…………

Disclaimer- I do not own The Outsiders

It's Thanksgiving today. It doesn't feel like it. Holidays have no meaning anymore. It's our first Thanksgiving without our parents. It feels so, so wrong, empty almost. And to top it off we don't have Pony either. I don't reckon I have anything to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving used to be one of my favorite holidays. It was so much fun. Dad, Darry, Pony and I would play football while mom cooked. We laughed and laughed. The game usually ended in a tickle fight.

Awe man and the food. My mouth used to drool at the thought of it. We had turkey, stuffing mashed potatoes, rolls, sweet potato soufflé, and pumpkin pie. Sometimes mom invited the boys over and Two-Bits mamma and sister. We had so much fun. No matter how little we had Thanksgiving was a feast. Dad used to say that mom could make dirt taste good.

I sighed and stared up at the ceiling. There would be no football game, no big dinner. I wasn't really hungry anyway. Everything feels, it feels wrong. Mom and dad should not be dead. They should not be in the ground decaying. Ponyboy should not be in the nursing home. He shouldn't be so out of it that he can't even recognize his own name. He can't even take a piss by himself.

I heaved. "Soda, Soda are you okay?" I sat up. Darry was at the doorway. He looked as tired and upset as I felt. I just shrugged at him. Of course I wasn't okay but I wasn't about to tell him that.

Darry walked over and sat down on the bed beside be. He hesitated for a moment and then put a hand on my shoulder. I pulled away. I didn't need his pity. I clinched my teeth.

"Do you want anything to eat Pepsi?" I shook my head. How could he think I felt like eating, today of all days.

Darry sighed. "It doesn't feel right does it?" He asked. I shook my head. "I woke up this morning and I half expected mom to be in the kitchen swatting me with a spoon for trying to steal some food."

I looked up. It wasn't like Darry to be so open with me or with anyone. I sighed. "She used to get me on that a lot. Pony would just sit at the counter and laugh. She usually roped him into peeling potatoes for it."

Darry forced a smile. "And then dad would sneak up and dip his finger in the soufflé. She'd tell him he was as bad as us."

"I miss them Darry. They shouldn't be gone." I felt tears well up in my eyes and tried to reel them back in. I am sick and tired of being a bawl baby.

Darry nodded. "I do to. And I miss Pony."

I bit my lip. We couldn't even spend today with Pony because we both had to work early tomorrow. He just had to be all the way in Oklahoma City. I sighed.

He wasn't there anyway. That was Pony's body but he was somewhere else. It felt to me like he was somewhere between living and dead. It's called, what is it? Oh yeha limbo. We learned about it in some book we read in English but I was half asleep.

Maybe he was trapped and his body was all that was keeping him there. Sometimes I wanted to just end it all. I couldn't bring myself to starve him. That was still Pony's body. What if he had some ties to it still. I wanted to do something quick, painless.

I hate myself for having these thoughts. I absolutely hate it. Because he's my brother, my baby brother and I love him so much.

Sometimes these thoughts go away. I'll grab his hand and he'll grip me back. They told us it's a reflex but at times like that I'm not so sure. Sometimes it feels like he's begging me to let him go and others it's like he's begging me to help him stay.

It hurts to even think about it. I let out a sob.

Darry

Oh Soda….. I brought him to me. He rested his head on my shoulder. Today should be a day for celebrating. We should be laughing with our family and the gang. So why does it feel more like a funeral?

Soda's sobs racked my body. I felt sick as I rubbed his back. I didn't know what to say to comfort him. "It'll be okay." But how could it be.

Soda just looked at me accusingly. I sighed. This was all my fault, me and my big temper.

Just then there was a knock on the door. I eyed Soda and he shrugged. "You want to come with me?" He shrugged again. I sighed.

"I'll be right back little buddy."

"I think I just want to sleep for a little while."

"Okay."

I walked into the living room. Two- Bit stood at the door wearing a pair of blue jeans and his one nice sweater. "Hey."

"Why'd you ring? The doors always unlocked."

"I figured yawl might like me barging in."

I nodded. 'Mom wanted to see if yawl wanted to head over to our place for thanksgiving g dinner. She figures we owe you for all the food I mooch off."

I shook my head. "We aren't in any mood to celebrate."

He nodded. "I can bring some leftovers by later."

"Tell you're mom we said thanks."

"I will." He smiled. "You hear about Johnny's old lady?"

I shook my head. "She's bee up to visit him. Feeling sorry. About time. Well anyway his dad up and left after beating her half to death. Johnny says she wants to sober up, have him live with her. About time she feels sorry."

Good for Johnny. It's about time one of us has something going right. I only hope it would stick. As long as I've known the kid his parent's love was all he ever wanted. "That's good."

Two-Bit nodded. "Yeha just hope the bimbo don't go changing her mind. She'll have toi deal with us then huh? And Dallas. He'll be out by Christmas." Why is it things can't go right for Soda and me now? I sighed.

"You okay man? Is something wrong with Pony at the home?"

I shook my head. "No he's the same. We're going up Saturday to see him."

Two-Bit nodded looking nervous. "I um, I got to go. Mom will think I found a blond and eloped to Mexico."

The corner of my twitched. "See you."

I closed the door. At least somebody had something to be thankful for.