A/N: Still don't own anything related to Star Trek

Chapter 3

"According to my calculations, Istabul Major is the nearest Federation planet with available dry dock. Estimated time of arrival is one hour forty-three minutes."

Jim Kirk was laughing so hard all he heard was a series of "wah wah wahs" like in the ancient Earth Charlie Brown cartoons. In fact, he had to read the post on the Enterprise's internet forum board again, which only resulted in him howling with laughter and grabbing hold of his aching ribs like that would keep him from busting a gut. Scuttlebutt was in love with a new rumor, posted by an anonymous patient in Sickbay who had supposedly overheard the entire exchange. The rumor? Lieutenant Uhura was pregnant and Bones was shouting his head off about whiskey and condoms. He couldn't be sure which was funnier; that people were saying Uhura was pregnant, that Bones was screaming about whiskey and condoms, or the genius of the person who had made up that particular rumor, because the crew seriously needed something to laugh about.

"Lieutenant Sulu, the captain is finally gone mad?"

"What?" Jim managed to get out between guffaws.

"Ensign Chekov was just saying that Istabul Major is the nearest Federation planet with an available dry dock. We can reach the planet in one hour and forty-three minutes," Sulu helpfully supplied.

Finally managing to bring the laughter under control, he wiped at the tears on his face and said, "Well, then set a course for Istabul Major. Lieutenant Hannity, send a message to their government informing them of our impending arrival."

At least he managed to get that command out before the bridge doors swished open to admit Spock, whose expression was placid as usual. Apparently he hadn't heard the rumor yet, but as soon as Jim saw him, he burst into another round of laughter. Spock with a kid! Lieutenant Uhura with a kid. Now that was the frightening thought, but the true terror of the situation, were she to actually be pregnant, was the thought of Uhura on pregnancy hormones. Bones would have to keep her sedated for the entire gestational period lest she break the ship. Again.

"A captain's levity on the bridge may be good for morale, but I fail to understand what you could possibly find so amusing, Captain," Spock drawled while taking his seat. "The Kirk Is Insane Theory, as postulated by Doctor Leonard McCoy, states there may be no environmental stimuli at the source of your current howling, however, twenty-three percent of the crew has engaged in some form of snickering in my presence. Therefore, I can only conclude you have created a forum submission involving me as the anatomical posterior of one of your jokes."

Laughing so hard was really starting to get painful, but he couldn't help himself when Spock came up with such priceless gems as "the anatomical posterior of one of your jokes." He couldn't breathe! Somehow, he managed to say, "The butt of one of your jokes, Spock. That's the correct phrase."

"As per usual, I will be the last person on the ship to ascertain what everyone is so amused about."

"Obviously you haven't read any of the recent posts on the forum." Which wasn't out of the ordinary. Spock tended not to get involved with the breeding ground of gossip that was the Enterprise forum. Jim sobered when it dawned on him that Spock was being made the "anatomical posterior" of yet another joke. It was all well and good when Jim did it, but the idea that someone else was picking on the elf left a sour taste in his mouth.

"The forum is nothing more than another location for humans to engage in the very human obsession with gossip. When Scuttlebutt's true identity is ascertained, he or she should be subject to a military tribunal."

"Spock, ready room."

Jim rolled to his feet and cut his thumb across his throat when Ensigns Bandorf and Coleman started snickering. Somehow, it wasn't as funny anymore when Spock didn't understand a certain slang term, cultural reference, or that Scuttlebutt stood for the rumor mill rather than a real person in this case. He'd have to squash the rumor about Spock being an impending daddy no matter how funny it really was.

He didn't say anything until they were both ensconced inside his ready room. "One, Scuttlebutt isn't a real person. It's a slang term for the rumor mill. Two, the reason everyone is laughing when you're around is because someone made up a rumor that you knocked Uhura up."

"I am unfamiliar with that particular phrase."

"Put a bun in her oven, charmed her eggs, got her in the mothering way, filled her belly, got her pregnant. Pick one. It's just a stupid rumor being fanned out of control because everyone on the ship has been working their asses off and needs a break."

The subtle tightening of Spock's lips, an expression most people would have ignored, belied the calmness with which he next spoke. "Such is not a rumor, Jim. Nyota and I will be parents, and though we both would have preferred to acclimate ourselves to the idea of parenthood before making an announcement to the crew, such a condition is impossible to hide indefinitely."

Silence.

"Captain, are you unwell? Is contacting Bones necessary?"

Silence.

"Jim," Spock prompted again.

He would have answered, but his brain was trying to determine whether or not he should laugh or hit the floor in a faint. Uhura was going to turn into a raging ball of hormones that would explode and take the ship with her! In nine months, a miniature Uhura would be terrorizing the ship. They were all doomed.

"I'm either going to order an immediate evacuation of the ship or congratulate you. I haven't figured out which yet," he finally said.

"Nyota being with child is hardly a reason to order a general evacuation. The timing of her pregnancy is unexpected since neither of us anticipated the sterilization process would be ineffective, but we are not displeased with the idea of parenthood."

The slant of Spock's eyebrows, the almost-imperceptible squint, and the slight narrowing of the Half-Vulcan's lips said otherwise. "If you're not displeased with the pregnancy, why are you making your 'I'm seriously anxious' face?"

"You are mistaken, Captain. A Vulcan responds logically to a given set of stimuli. Being displeased at the progeneration of my genes would be illogical."

"It would be illogical to be anxious about having a kid when you and Lieutenant Uhura have only just started your careers aboard a busy starship? It would be illogical to be concerned about raising a kid on the Enterprise? You've got that backwards, Spock. Being anything but apprehensive would be illogical."

Spock's next breath was a little heavier than normal. "Procreation while both individuals are active members stationed aboard a starship sometimes results in either parent being decommissioned. Every member of the crew is required to be temporarily sterilized to avoid this very outcome and for very logical reasons."

"You gotta tell me what you're really worried about here, or I'm just taking stabs in the dark. Are you worried about being a dad? Or are you worried Starfleet is going to bust you for knocking Lieutenant Uhura up while on active duty?"

"Perhaps I am concerned about both topics," Spock responded. "As you mentioned, Nyota is only beginning her career. Starfleet may require she resign from active duty and accept a permanent post on Earth where she will be capable of rearing our offspring instead of exacerbating the natural stress of our environment with the addition of a child."

"And the part where you're worried about being a father?"

"Parenting techniques are vastly different between our two species. Though finding a commonality in said techniques is not impossible, as proven by my Vulcan father and Human mother, I am concerned…"

"That you're going to make a crappy father, raise your kid wrong, and Nyota will end up hating you for it." Jim interrupted Spock before he could finish the statemenet only because he knew Spock would downplay what he was really feeling. Besides, Spock's tone wavered slightly at the mention of his mother, and Jim wanted to get his attention away from her as quickly as possible.

"Such is not the manner in which I would have expressed the emotion, but yes. By Vulcan standards, I am far too young to successfully parent as most Vulcans wait to reproduce until their careers are established."

"If you haven't noticed lately, you really don't fit the Vulcan standard in a lot of ways, but that's nothing to be ashamed of. Let's tackle your fear that Uhura will be asked to resign from active duty. If Starfleet had the recommendation of your captain that you're both too valuable to the ship to be decommissioned, I'm sure they will make an exception. Lucky for you, I'm your captain and happen to like your ugly mug. Uhura is the best in her field and is definitely too valuable to be shipped off to some white picket fence with a dog and a yard.

"Secondly," Jim continued, "every parent has a different parenting style from their partner. Uhura and you will be able to work that out. Thirdly, you're not going to be a terrible father. Being half human, you have a better perspective on raising a human kid than your father did, and you grew up all right. Now, let's try something hard like determining why the sun can't revolve around me."

"In your estimation, Captain, the sun already does revolve around you."

Chuckling, Jim flopped into a chair and propped his feet up on the table before saying, "Try not to stress too much. I know it's impossible not to be freaked out. If I were in your position, I'd probably be launching myself off the ship without a pod, but you'll be able to handle this. What I'm worried about is Uhura hopped up on pregnancy hormones. Imminent hull integrity fail!"

"You are suggesting the increased hormone levels will trigger erratic mood swings resulting in permanent damage to the ship?"

"That's exactly what I'm suggesting. Luckily most things heavy enough to actually result in that type of damage are bolted to the floor, so she won't be able to throw them. Can we restrict her from having forks and knives in the mess hall?"

"Nyota will be perfectly civil as she always is. There will be on need to restrict her access to eating utensils."

"Are we talking about the same Nyota?"

"There is only one Nyota Uhura aboard the ship." Spock abandoned the topic of conversation when he asked, "Was Ensign Chekov successful in ascertaining if there is an available dry dock in close proximity with our location?"

"Yeah, a planet called Istabul Major almost two hours from us. The ship is in good enough condition to the make the trip on impulse power."

"Istabul Major and the smaller Istabul Minor are both part of the Bultoran quadrant. Both became members of the Federation a mere thirteen years ago and redesigned their governmental systems from imperial monarchies to federal republics. The technology and availability of resources on Istabul Major surpass our present needs."

"Surpass our present needs? I'd say that's preferable to landing on some backwater planet and listening to Scotty whine about being forced to use manual wrenches and screwdrivers to do the job."

"I concur with your assessment. Their military and law enforcement technology has been slow to develop, however, due to rigid imperical policies forbidding the research, development, or manufacture of weapons."

"And the underground development of weapons didn't crop up? Big Brother is watching. Anything else I should be made aware of before we dock?"

"People were far more interested in developing technologies necessary to produce enough resources for their growing population. The Bultoran sun radiates a significantly higher amount of ultraviolet light that cannot be filtered by their thin ozone. Hence the planet's inability to produce an abunace of organic resources."

"So I should have Bones break out gallons of sun screen to slather everyone in, right?"

"That would be logical, Captain. I would also recommend a general alert for the crew to wear full-coverage, polycarbonate glasses to protect their eyes. Istabulians have developed a higher concentration of melanin in their skin and surrounding their eyes to absorb and dissipate ultraviolet radiation. Significant exposure to us would result in malignant melanoma, cataracts, and blindness."

"In other words, death by sun exposure, and we'll end up being stuck on this planet for upwards of a month making the repairs." He looked at his first officer intently. A year ago, Spock had wanted him kicked out of Starfleet for cheating on the Kobayashi Maru. Now, he was sharing his personal worries. Huh. Guess that proved the whole opposites attract theory.