Miles is hot and someone's got a crush. Could it be mutual?

Dharma-Era fic. Miles, Yin, Dan, Hurley, Kate, Sawyer, Juliet. Chapter 3 up. Yin & Dan "help" Miles prepare for his big date.

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The devil is in the details.

They are in their pokey little living room, late afternoon. Miles nerves are wound tighter than piano strings in the hands of an assassin. He can't sit still and is pacing back and forward across the living room while stuffing his face with a soggy cheese sandwich, fidgeting with the zipper on his ugly Dharma security jumpsuit. It's little over an hour and half left. Just one hour – and half. Oh fuck. More prancing around is required.

She did agree to a date. With him. No shit.

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" You have to…. What do you say? Wooh er, yes, wooh her."

Yin looks disturbingly smug about his abysmal love advice. After all, he is the only one present who is; married. And the conceited bastard is milking it for all it is worth.

Smug pompous ass.

Miles anxiety level is climbing more steeply by the second, in direct correlation to Yin's increased involvement. Why the fuck does he bother?

The Korean dating code is severely lacking in quality at least in his own ( very reasonable and ) humble opinion. Yin is seriously rubbing him the wrong way with his catch phrases stolen shamelessly from "Sense and Sensibility" or some other Victorian crap.

Arrogant prick.

"Woooh? Wooh!? Dude, is that even a real word?" He puts on a show of looking suitably sceptic and amused but fact is; he needs some sort of advice. He is tcompletely at loss. What the fuck has he gotten himself into? Kate, of all the frigging hippie-chicks in the whole of hippie-town. Unhinged, dippy-ass Kate that comes complete with baggage the size of freakin' Wisconsin.

It hadn't taken much work on Yin's behalf to make Miles spill the beans on the reason behind the sudden upswing in mood-factor. In fact, it had felt almost liberating to tell someone. Now regret is amplifying with every appalling syllable uttered by the self-proclaimed dating-expert.

" Courtship is very important. Yes. When seeking a romantic partner."

It's just a freakin' date. And it's just Kate. Why the jitters? Besides, he just wants to get laid. Yep. That's all.

" Romantic partner. For doodelidoo's sake! Who the heck has been giving you English lessons?" He spits, pieces of cheese and breadcrumbs flying like projectiles from his mouth. He smoothes them off his jumpsuit with irritated jerky gestures.

" Juliet."

" Oh for the love of god!". He slaps his hand to his forehead in such a dramatic move that he manages to smash a piece of cheese into his skin.

Yin draws his breath and shakes his head. Wow, it's more serious than he had first assumed. Miles wipes the food off his face with the back of his hand and continues to whine while stalking around like a restless pissed-off devil's spawn. Very, very annoying. Must get him out of the house to have even the remotest chance of watching "Love Boat" tonight. Yin forces on his most reassuring facial expression and says with an overtly sincere and comforting voice:

" Need to look nice. Don't worry, I fix."

Eh.

Miles isn't entirely sure he wants to be groomed by Yin. He'll end up looking like something out of a Korean soap opera. Not that Miles would admit to having watched any. Meteor Garden, yeah , that's the one his mom used to watch on cable. Lara had simple tastes when it came to television.

This is the moment that they both become aware of Dan's presence, melting into the furniture and surroundings like a chameleon. He suddenly looks up from his usually spaced-out, catatonic state, and throws the treasured diary on the coach with a chipper moronic smile that scares the living daylight out of his housemates.

" Don't worry, I believe I have just the thing for you, old chap!"

Miles isn't a sentimental guy or soft hearted by any measure. But he can't say no to Daniel Faraday. Never has been able to. Especially since Dan's moments of lucidity are rare and far in between. He is probably the only person on this whole deranged island that Miles can't just flip the bird to. Though right now, he has the sinking feeling that it would unquestionably be exactly the correct reply to Dan's unsolicited offer.

Daniel, all skinny bones, stringy beard and ill fitting corduroy clothes, hoofs it into his room and emerges a few moments later. Beaming like a jacked-up Miss Universe, carrying the most abhorrent, funky-ass 70's style, wine-coloured velour suit ever witnessed by man. The fetid-looking fabric is visibly puckering at the knees and elbows. The velour so well-worn it has developed a bald sheen on all the strategic places. Yep, that'd get him laid…. By some deluded misfit with a velour fetish, most likely.

Wonders if Kate likes velour?

The suit is thrown on him. Daniel even helps him dress with a frighteningly feverish enthusiasm rarely seen on this side of crazy. Miles can but stand there and let himself be dressed up. Like a little child. He touches the vile sleeve of the suit, carefully, as if it might bite back.

It is pretty soft. In a dead-mouse-fur sort of way.

Not to be outdone, Yin buggers off only to come back with another crime against humanity. Miles soon finds himself decked out in a ketchup-red tie of such horrendous proportion it is sure to be picked up by the Sputnik's spy cameras somewhere in its orbit around earth. It easily covers Miles' entire chest. He glances down in fear, taking in the whole freaky ensemble.

Wow. Unbelievable.

" I look like putrid Korean barbeque meat!"

" Mmm, bulgogi… You making me hungry." Yin keeps a completely straight and sober trust-me-buddy-face as if this is entirely normal date-wear. Perhaps it is? It is the 70's after all. And then again, could be the roomies trying to pull a fast one.

" Really Yin-boy! You've gotta' be kidding me!

" Handsome. Very distinguished. She will like it. Red is a very auspicious colour in my country. Very lucky. Yes. Sure marriage."

" Bait. Charm. Cultivate." Dan adds as if ticking off some points on a list." The charm stage is crucial my friend. You need this."

" Yeah, yeah buddy-boy. Just stuff it. You are not exactly a reliable expert in this specific area. Stick to the time travel—psycho humbug stuff! And whatever happened to the whatever-happened-happened idea by the way? Should your fugly-ass velour suit make a difference in the grand scheme of things, huh, hah!? " Miles gets up in Daniel's face, trying to gauge a reaction. A useless attempt to fend off the craziness oozing from the lunatic. Dan has zoomed out momentarily or so it seems. Until he hits Miles with his aggravatingly docile voice:

" Who is she?"

The question flutters out in the air as he carefully positions his skinny corduroy clad behind on the worn-down old couch again. For once Dan's mind seems clear as a spring creek and most unfortunately fixated on Miles. It freaks him out and why the fuck can't he lie to this looser? Don't ask don't tell, has always been more of his philosophy. But Dan is watching him now with his mentally-ill-scientist slash homeless-puppy eyes and the cause is just lost. Better just give it up.

"It is Kate alright!" he hisses. "One word to Hurley and I will bludgeon you to death with this monstrosity of a tie !" He glowers back at both Dan and Yin with one bloodcurdling sweep of the eyes. Hoping to put the fear of god into both the genius-geek-fashionista and the self-styled Korean dating sage.

But Yin's sole reaction is to drop a disbelieving:

"Pfutt!"

" What man!? Pfutt? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

The nervousness is making Miles hypersensitive and jumpier than a rabbit on smack.

" Kate is with Jack and Sawyer. Sawyer and / or Jack…yes always Jack or Sawyer, back and forward between Jack and Sawyer. Very confusing. But, never Miles. Never…"

Dan shakes his shaggy head sadly in total and absolute agreement. His forehead wrinkled by compassion and pity.

" Never." he backs Yin up.

Miles is lost for words for a fraction of time. Come to think of it, he has no desire to actually challenge the triangle of doom that is Kate's entourage. The mere thought of her past with the two other guys, makes him absolutely uncontrollably bonkers. Erasing in an instant the cool, dryly sarcastic Miles.

" No. She is not with Jack or Sawyer! There is no more Kate, Jack and Sawyer crap!"

Yin's eyes are ablaze with an ill-willed badly faked innocence, betraying that he is really enjoying this conversation. And very satisfied to have made Miles blow his gasket.

" Aha so, now; Kate, Jack, Sawyer….. And ?"

Admitting that he might as well surrender this argument, he mutters with rancour. More to himself than anyone present in the room:

" Not necessarily in that order buddy, but probably."

"Then you are doomed my friend." Daniels meek effeminate voice floats up from behind the thumbed, greasy old diary. Miles is man enough to accept the simple truth in these words. In a futile attempt to maintain an ounce of dignity he still feels forced to leave the room in a put-on huff telling them both to piss the hell off.

He has a quick shower and he actually shaves. Not that it matters. It is just what he does. For lack of a better plan, he somberly gets gussied up in the borrowed garments.

Could wear anything. It doesn't matter. Compared to the security jumpsuit, he actually feels rather dapper in an insanely nauseating crumpled Bee-Gee's way.

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At 7.30 he is on his way. He is really frigging early. He can't be. It will look like he is actually excited about the date. As if he cares. It is bad enough that he wore a tie. And shaved. And got primped up in this monstrous attire.

And it is just Kate. Just a chick.

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