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Something that Bella desired. I perked up again. Anything, anything at all and I'd gladly shower it on her. Just tell me what you want, I tried to convey silently. "I didn't realize there was anything else you wanted besides being transformed into a monster yourself. I'm extremely curious." Please Bella, please tell me what you desire, I almost begged. Wasn't she already well aware that my sole purpose in life was to fulfill her smallest velleities? I lived for that. Nothing could bring me greater joy.
But Bella still didn't say anything. As I stared at her in wonder, her skin heated up and a light pink tainted her cheeks. Oh my god, she was blushing. The force of my curiosity almost crushed me as I once again tried unsuccessfully to enter her impenetrable mind. It was getting to be too much. I stroked her cheeks gently, only darkening the colour there. "You're blushing?" She did not look up.
"Please, Bella, the suspense is painful."
She bit her lip. Oh, sweet torture. She was testing all my limits today.
"Bella." I tried again, my tone was enough to convey my impatience. Why was she needlessly feeling so shy? I so badly wanted to give her whatever it was that she was too embarrassed to ask for.
"Well, I'm a little worried . . ." she began, "about after." She finally looked me square in the eyes.
My body automatically froze. Of course, she was thinking about the pain. The pain… I tried with some difficulty to block out that very precise memory. I would die before I could see Bella go through that. Maybe this would change her decision. Suddenly, I did not know what to feel. "What has you worried?"
"All of you just seem so convinced that the only thing I'm going to be interested in, afterward, is slaughtering everyone in town." Yes, murderers, that's what we were. The harsh truth made me flinch. Hopefully she didn't notice. She continued "And I'm afraid I'll be so preoccupied with the mayhem that I won't be me anymore . . . and that I won't . . . I won't want you the same way I do now."
"Bella, that part doesn't last forever." I still couldn't guess where she was going with this.
"Edward," she tried to explain refusing to meet my eyes. "There's something that I want to do before I'm not human anymore."
Anything. Please Bella. Anything.
Her face flushed furiously and she remained silent. Aargh! This was getting impossible.
"Whatever you want." She had to know that.
"Do you promise?" she mumbled, still unsure.
Silly girl. Of course I did. "Yes." Could she please tell me what was wrong now? "Tell me what you want, and you can have it." As if she could ever doubt that. Bella!
"You." I wasn't even sure if I heard that correctly.
What the hell did that mean? "I'm yours." Eternally and completely. Hers! Forever! The statement held more truth than the sun rising in the east. The fact was etched in every particle of my being. I smiled as I tried to lift her spirits off her imagined misery.
Instead, she took a shaky breath and came towards me kneeling. With a quick movement, both her arms were around my neck and she was kissing me passionately. For a moment, I forgot everything else. My miracle, my addiction. There was nothing in the world that could compare to this. Her lips moving softly along with mine. I could live in this moment forever. The hollow in my chest was all warmed up and fuzzy. A very tiny portion in my brain was trying to guess her motivations. What in the world was up with her? This very strange dilemma that she couldn't even talk about?
Her hands quivering, she removed her arms from around my neck. This surprised me a little. Usually, I was the one who had to step in and keep things from escalating. Those same hands then swiftly undid my two top collar buttons.
Everything flashed at once and I was frigid with shock. Her hesitation, her embarrassment, the inability to express her desire… She wanted me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh….!
I was absolutely furious with myself for not having realized this sooner. It was so obvious. I shouldn't have led her on. She had wanted the situation to escalate. I glared at her disapprovingly. Was she suicidal? Hadn't I told her how dangerous it was? I would surely end up killing her. Agony rippled through me as I immediately pushed her away. "Be reasonable, Bella."
"You promised — whatever I wanted." She said in a small voice.
Damn it! She was impossible. How the hell was I to know that this was what she had planned, what she wanted. The one thing I couldn't give her. Despair continued to stab me as I sat despising my monstrous form. She deserved much better. I hated doing this. "We're not having this discussion." I announced sternly, as I refastened my buttons.
Her jaw tightened with an audible snap. "I say we are," she stated just as fiercely. Her hands moved to her blouse as she jerked open the first button.
Ah, this was exactly what I needed, an angry, seductive Bella. Just great. I couldn't even tell her how very delectable she looked in that very moment. I yearned desperately to be human again. For her. For us.
These thoughts were taking me nowhere. Very careful not to face the exposed skin of her open collar, I glowered at her as I trapped her wrists securely to her sides. "I say we're not." End of discussion.
She glared right back at me. "You wanted to know."
"I thought it would be something faintly realistic." Jee-sus!
"So you can ask for any stupid, ridiculous thing you want — like getting married — but I'm not allowed to even discuss what I —"
I took both her hands in just one of mine and used my other palm to halt her speech. It looked like the more she argued, the angrier she became. I didn't want that and I definitely couldn't allow this argument.
"No." My expression was stony.
It looked like that worked for the time being. I just relished holding her in my arms till she had fully calmed herself. She was now taking deep breaths. Thank heavens for that. As the silence continued, I felt the familiar warmth in the air. She was blushing again. There was a faint smell of saltwater and her breathing had hitched in strange ways. It couldn't be…
Stifling my morbid thoughts, I sighed in exasperation. I brought my hand to her chin and forced her to look at me. What was wrong?
"What now?" I struggled to keep my voice casual.
"Nothing," she muttered. Bad liar!
I ignored that trying to read her expression. She wouldn't even look at me. And then I saw the tears. Sheer agony. I had made her cry… again. Ice splinters cut my throat. How many more ways could I hurt her that would finally end up killing her? Why was she still with me? I deserved to die. Excruciating pain twisted my heart.
"Did I hurt your feelings?" I demanded, appalled.
"No." My brave Isabella.
How could I ever apologize? She thought that I didn't want her? I'd rejected her? Anguish tormented me in potent waves. I swept her up in my arms and softly caressed her cheeks. "You know why I have to say no, you know that I want you, too." How could she be oblivious to that? Everything about her was a siren call to me. Didn't she realize that the only thing that stopped me from claiming her right there was her own safety? She was so fragile, so delicate, so breakable….
"Do you?" she whispered skeptically.
"Of course I do, you silly, beautiful, oversensitive girl." I gave a hard frustrated laugh. I couldn't think of someone who didn't want her. "Doesn't everyone? I feel like there's a line behind me, jockeying for position, waiting for me to make a big enough mistake. . . " which I won't. Bella's mine, Jacob Black! "You're too desirable for your own good."
"Who's being silly now?" Self doubt. Always self doubt. What was I going to do with this girl?
"Do I have to send a petition around to get you to believe?" I asked bleakly. "Shall I tell you whose names would be on the top of the list? Black, Newton, Yorkie, Crowly… Fury immobilized me as my hands ached to crush something. "You know a few of them, but some might surprise you." Dowling, Richardson, the entire male population of Forks High School… Yes, she would be very surprised indeed.
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