A/N: I've been waiting to write this chapter for the longest time and you'll see why ;) Musical/Title inspiration for this song is "I Cried for You" by Katie Melua, which might be the saddest song I've ever heard but the chapter isn't as sad/morbid as the song would imply, I promise! The lyrics are just so beautiful and real… so if you haven't heard the song, do it now! You'll thank me later :) Happy reading and don't forget to review!
Chapter 4 – I Cried for You
Lulu smoothed her golden locks with a brush as she stood in front of the floor length mirror in her apartment. She could hear the shower running in the bathroom as she and Dillon prepared to go to the church where Claudia and Nikolas were to be married for the rehearsal and then later to the Zacchara mansion for the rehearsal dinner. The location had changed last minute because Nikolas had decided to remodel the kitchen at Wyndamere and apparently Claudia "forgot" that they wouldn't be able to use it to entertain guests. She thought about how it had been so long since she had stepped foot onto the Zacchara property and chuckled as she remembered how she foolishly believed that she was going to live there.
"Not again…" she muttered, pressing her fingertips to her temple.
She promised herself that she was not going to think about Johnny that night. After all, it wasn't about her. It was supposed to be Nikolas' and Claudia's night, celebrating their upcoming wedding. She wouldn't let Johnny get in the way of that. She sighed as she tossed her brush aside towards her bed. What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she stop thinking about him? She was supposed to be over him. She even had a reasonable justification to hate him but she didn't. Worst of all, she didn't want to hate him and that realization almost made her sick to her stomach.
After all this time and everything that he had done, she still cared.
"Lu?"
Lulu looked up at Dillon to see him buttoning up his white dress shirt. She offered him an uneasy smile and walked towards him. He held out his hand and as soon as she slipped hers into his, he pulled her into an embrace. She knew that he was trying hard to be a caring and loving fiancé but she felt no sense of comfort in his arms, just a gradual sinking feeling.
"You seem sad… what's wrong?" he asked and she shook her head.
"Nothing's wrong… you know me, I just space out a lot…" she said, offering a small smile.
He kissed her forehead and went into the closet to grab one of his blazers and they made a quick exit from their apartment. Somehow they always managed to run late to every single thing that revolved around Claudia and Nikolas' wedding but the couple didn't seem to mind. They were too deliriously happy about their wedding to be upset with the two of them.
"Ok, Claudia and Nikolas will exchange vows and I will pronounce them as husband and wife… would you like to practice the kiss?" the priest laughed.
As they stood at the altar, Nikolas and Claudia chuckled but Nikolas took his fiancée in his arms and kissed her deeply. Lulu smiled and applauded the couple and they all began laughing. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Johnny staring at her with a strange but familiar gaze in his eye… a look of, dare she even say it...
Longing?
His eyes were so sad and they tugged at her heartstrings in the way that he only could. No matter what she said or did, she would always be connected to him. One thing that unsettled her about when she first announced her engagement to Dillon was that people told her how romantic it was that she was reuniting with her first love. She sighed and rose to her feet as the rehearsal wrapped up. What she and Dillon shared over that summer did hold many firsts for her, but not first love.
That was Johnny.
He was the first person that when he told her that he loved her, she wanted to say it back. He was the first one who she let in completely, the first one who made her want to make plans for the future and the first one who had broken her heart in the most earth-shattering way when he was gone. With him, she had truly fallen in love.
"Lulu?"
She looked up to see Johnny standing in front of her and she offered him a small smile. His hands were shoved into his pockets. They were alone in the chapel, the first time they had been truly alone since he had left. Most of the participants in the rehearsal were in the lobby of the chapel, smoothing over last minute details and arranging rides over to the Zacchara mansion for the rehearsal dinner.
"You seem distracted…" he said.
"Just thinking… you know how I space out a lot…" she said and he chuckled.
"I seem to remember that…" he said as he took a seat in a nearby pew.
She sat down beside him and they sat in silence for a few moments. She couldn't help but to think how surreal the entire situation was. Just two years ago, they had their wedding rehearsal and their rehearsal dinner at the Quatertmaine mansion. They had stood in Lila Quartermaine's rose garden with the priest, holding hands and wishing that tomorrow could come so that after what seemed like a lifetime of fighting everything around them and inside of them, they could finally be together and be married.
"Are you crying?" he asked.
Lulu had been so absorbed in her memories that she had hardly noticed that a tear had escaped her eye. She brushed it aside and shook her head, trying hard to keep a smile on her face. She honestly didn't know why she did this to herself. Why did she still allow herself to become an emotional wreck when it came to Johnny? She had cried so much for him that she was convinced that she had no more tears left for him but apparently she was wrong.
"Weddings always get to me…" she whispered, curling her hair around her ear.
"Even wedding rehearsals?" he asked and she nodded.
"Yeah, even the stupid rehearsals…" she laughed.
"You're going to be an emotional wreck when it's your own wedding…" he said.
"I probably will… thank god for waterproof mascara…" she chuckled.
It was then when she felt his hand brush against hers and their laughs immediately died on their lips. She had forgotten how easy it was to be with him but at the same time so difficult. She had slipped back into that sense of comfort that she used to feel when he was around but at the same time, she couldn't be around him without thinking about everything that had transpired. She couldn't forget how she suddenly couldn't breathe after reading that letter that he had left, nor could she forget the feeling of what seemed like ten thousand pounds pressing against her as she lay in a crumpled heap on the floor of her bedroom, crying and wondering what she had done so wrong to make him leave.
Sometimes time couldn't heal all wounds.
"Speaking of weddings, I got your save the date in the mail…" he said.
"I wasn't sure how long you were going to be sticking around Port Charles this time but you're under no obligation to come if you don't want to… I'm sure that you have other things and people to tend to back in Italy…" she said and he chuckled.
"Things, yes… work takes up most of my time so there are no people to speak of besides my business associates and the housekeeper of the villa." Johnny said as he leaned back against the pew.
"No women?" she asked, slightly incredulous, and he laughed again, shaking his head.
"None to speak of… not since y—" he started but his voice died on his lips before he could finish.
She immediately averted her eyes, unable to look at him after his revelation.
"I should go… Dillon is probably waiting for me…"
"Ok… I'll see you at the house, then?"
She nodded and turned on her heel and headed towards the front doors. The lump in her throat was starting to grow at an exponential pace, threatening to choke her. This was not how she expected things to happen. She almost expected him to be unremorseful for what he had done. It might've actually been easier on her heart if he didn't care. But the way in which he looked at her and acted around her just screamed that he regretted his choice to leave.
He was acting like he was still in love with her.
She was in such of a hurry to get away from Johnny that she completely didn't notice that Dillon was standing right besides the doors. He reached out to take her arm and she flinched, startled by his touch. However, when she saw that it was her fiancé, she let out a sigh of relief.
"Oh! I'm sorry, Dillon… I didn't see you there…" she said, putting her hand over her heart.
"That's alright… are you ready to head over to the house?" he asked.
"More than you know…" she muttered.
He put her hand on the small of her back and led her towards the door but not before tossing a look behind her at Johnny. His back was still to her as he sat, staring ahead at the altar. She could picture the lost expression that was probably on his beautiful face at that moment. She shook her head, a failed attempt to banish him from her thoughts and climbed into Dillon's car. She felt the car roar to life underneath her as he started the ignition and pulled onto the main road.
"So I couldn't help but to overhear that you invited Johnny to our wedding…" he started and she snapped out of her reverie.
"I sent him a save the date… I told him that he didn't have to come if he didn't want to…" she explained.
"Well, were you planning on telling me that you were going to invite him?" he asked.
"Do we have to talk about this now, Dillon?" she sighed, not wanting to discuss Johnny with him or anyone for that matter.
"Yes! Yes, we do have to talk about this now, Lulu… I don't like the way that he looks at you… he looks at you like you belong to him or should belong to him…"
"I can't control what Johnny does or how he looks at me, Dillon!" she yelled.
The car came to a rather abrupt stop at a traffic light and Dillon looked at her sharply, no longer with that same adoration that he used to but now a guarded suspicion. Lulu met his gaze with a slight scowl of her own, irritated at his questionable driving skills. It wasn't her fault that Johnny was acting in the way that he was. She had done nothing for Dillon to talk to her in an accusatory fashion. She buried her face in her hands and sighed heavily.
"Is something going on between the two of you?" he asked, point-blank. Her gaze snapped up immediately at his question.
"No, Dillon… we're just friends and you know what friends do? They send save the dates for their weddings! That's all I did…" she said, not understanding why she needed to defend her actions.
"Really? That's it?" he asked.
"I'm marrying you for crying out loud… shouldn't that say something?" she cried.
"That's not an answer, Lulu…" he said quietly.
"You want an answer? You want to know what's going on between me and Johnny? Well, here it is… two years ago, he left me at the altar. He literally left me twenty minutes before I was supposed to walk down the aisle."
Dillon's eyes immediately widened and she knew that he was hurt because she kept such a huge secret from him. He had stressed the importance of being honest with each other this time around because it was what broke them up years ago. He looked up and saw that he had a green light and gently pressed the gas, moving the car forward.
"You never told me that…" he whispered and she sighed.
"I know… I didn't tell you because I wanted to pretend that it never happened. I wanted to pretend that I didn't cry myself to sleep every night for three months after he left or that I couldn't even bring myself to say his name for six. My family thought it was so bad that they considered putting me back in Shadybrook. So, when was the right time to bring something like that up?" she asked.
He didn't answer her until they pulled up in front of the Zacchara mansion. He put the car in park and they sat there without saying a word for what seemed like forever. He unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to face her.
"Were you ever going to tell me?" he asked quietly.
"I don't know, Dillon. I honestly don't know…" she whispered.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you… it's just… I'm just scared that you're getting cold feet… you're still not committed to a venue for our wedding and you and Carly went to every bridal boutique within a fifty mile radius of town and still haven't found a dress… I'm just afraid that you're trying to provoke Johnny into giving you a reason not to marry me…" he explained.
"There are just some things that you just can't come back from… I may have moved on from what Johnny had done but it's not something that I'll ever forget… and besides, I have you now and we're going to have the life that we talked about… that's what I want… not Johnny…" she said.
Johnny quickly excused himself from the table after dinner had wrapped up. He stepped out onto the balcony and looked out at the lit path that ran across the grounds. He wondered if it was too late to find a way to fly back to Milan, even though it would upset Claudia that he bailed on her wedding. However, he didn't know how much more of this he could take. He didn't know how much longer he could watch Nikolas get his happy ending all the while Johnny was slowly dying inside and he definitely didn't know how much longer he could watch Lulu plan her wedding to another man.
It was all too much.
He found himself slowly walking that illuminated path. The air was cool and fresh on his face and offered a small sense of comfort. Being in the chapel with Lulu had been hard. All he could think about was how they had their wedding rehearsal and both of them were practically giddy with excitement. He remembered how she begged him to tell her his vows but he was adamant to not divulge them until she was standing in front of him in that beautiful white dress. He sighed as he stopped walking and he looked up and saw a familiar light up ahead.
The garden shed.
As far as he knew, no one was on the grounds so his curiosity brought him right to the door of the shed. He placed his hand on the cold doorknob and turned it. He pushed the door open and he heard someone gasp in surprise.
"Johnny?"
Lulu's eyes were wide as she looked up at him. She was sitting on the chaise lounge near the window facing the main house. He closed the door behind him and leaned back against it, wanting to keep out the rest of the world. She sighed and offered him a small smile.
"Hiding out from everybody too?" she asked, rising to her feet.
"Yeah…" he said.
"I was just thinking…" she started.
"About what?" he asked.
"You and me…" she said quietly.
Her revelation took him off guard. He didn't even think that she gave him a single thought because lord knows he didn't deserve it. He slowly began walking over to her, all the while studying her expression. Her eyes were downcast, as if she were afraid or embarrassed to look at him, and he had to sudden urge to tilt her face up towards him so that he could look into those lovely eyes of hers.
"What about us?" he asked.
"Just the last time that we were here… do you remember?" she asked, looking up at him.
"Of course I do…" he whispered.
It was two days before their wedding. They had snuck away from the massive crowd that had amassed at the Zacchara house that was making last minute wedding plans and took refuge in the garden shed. As soon as the door closed behind them, Lulu launched herself into his arms, hungrily kissing him and tearing at his shirt. He could remember the smell of her shampoo as he buried his nose into her sun-kissed curls, the feel of her skin as it grazed against his own, and the sound of her voice as she whimpered in his ear for release.
It was the last time they had made love.
He had held her tightly in his arms as they lay on that same chaise lounge, never wanting to let her go. She laughed when he told her that it was going to be next to impossible to spend the night without her the night before their wedding and she just told him that after tomorrow, she was never going to leave his side. He then pulled out a bracelet that belonged to his mother, asking her to wear it for their wedding, and he could feel her tears of joy on his face as she kissed him.
"I still have the bracelet… I should give it back to you…" she said but he shook his head.
"No… you keep it… it was a gift… and besides, what am I going to do with a bracelet?" he asked.
"You might want to give it to someone else…" she suggested.
"I wouldn't want anyone else to have it…" he said.
Lulu quickly looked away and walked towards the window and he winced at her obvious discomfort. He was tired of causing her any sort of pain. He started towards her, approaching her cautiously, but he stopped before he could get too close. Being there in the garden shed with all of its memories and standing so close to her was surely a recipe for disaster.
"I'm sorry, Lulu… I shouldn't say things like that…" he apologized.
"Say things like what?" she asked, turning around to face him.
"Saying things that bring up bad memories for you…" he said, putting his hands into his pocket.
"They're not all bad…" she murmured as he drew closer to her.
"For what it's worth, I'll regret leaving you for the rest of my life…" he whispered.
She gasped slightly, as if she were shocked by his declaration. The words had been weighing so heavy on his mind and heart and they just spilled out of his mouth almost involuntarily. Perhaps it was the mix of being so close to her in a place that was so dear to him that brought on his sudden frankness. She had to know that he never wanted them to be apart. The lump in his throat grew as tears rushed to Lulu's eyes and she shook her head.
"Johnny…" she sobbed.
She tried to go for the door but his hand reached out to grab her arm. Her eyes flashed up to his as tears spilled down her lovely face. He was about to cross a line, a very fine line that once he crossed it, there was no turning back. He pressed his forehead to hers and his lips trembled as her breath hit his face. She was so beautiful and felt so incredible in his arms. Suddenly, he felt her hand come up to his cheek and her lips pressed against his. It had been so long since they had last kissed but it felt as familiar and as wonderful as it had been then. Her hands gripped the lapels of his jacket as his hands wrapped around her waist and pulled her as close to him as he could. He knew that he was going to hell for this but he didn't care. After years of self-induced isolation and pining for her from across the globe, he finally had her, even if it was for a fleeting second. Her hands came to his shoulders and then pushed his away, shaking her head.
"I can't… I'm sorry but I can't…" she gasped.
She covered her mouth with her hands and backed away from him. Before he could say another word, she turned around and opened the door, only to come face to face with Nikolas. Lulu's eyes widened at the sight of her older brother and she immediately pushed past him and headed back towards the main house. Johnny pressed two fingers to his temple, realizing how much he had messed everything up. He hated hurting her but it seemed that it was all he did. He walked back over to the chaise lounge and collapsed onto it, wondering how he could've been so stupid.
"What the hell was that about?" Nikolas asked.
"This is my house… I'm allowed to wherever I please…" Johnny growled.
"What were you and Lulu doing in here?" Nikolas asked, closing the door behind him.
"Why don't you mind your own business? You're marrying my sister tomorrow for crying out loud… focus on that…" Johnny said.
"You need to stay away from my sister…" Nikolas said, pointing a finger at Johnny.
"Shut up, Nikolas… just shut up… you got what you wanted. I left Lulu at the altar and she's moved on and marrying another man… a man that you probably approve of, am I correct?" Johnny asked.
"Yes, Dillon truly loves Lulu…" Nikolas said.
"So did I, Nikolas! So did I… I loved her more than anything else in this world and you took that from me!" Johnny cried.
Johnny hadn't meant to lose control of his emotions but the resentment that had just been simmering under the surface was now at a boiling point. The man had taken everything from him but still had the audacity to talk down to him. He thought about punching him square in the jaw but Claudia would kill Johnny for giving her groom a shiner the night before the wedding. Nikolas shifted uncomfortably and cleared his throat.
"Don't do this to her… she's finally got her life back together… don't mess it up now… if you love her like you say you do, you'll let her go…" Nikolas said.
Nikolas turned around and headed back out the door. He didn't really have a choice except but to let her go. The look in Lulu's eyes after he kissed her was one that he thought of when he pictured her lying on the floor of the Quartermaine mansion after he betrayed her trust and left her. The agony in her eyes was too much to bear and as much as he hated agreeing with Nikolas, he was right. He was tired of being the one who always hurt her. The best way for him to show his love for her was to do the last thing he wanted to do but he had no other choice.
He had to let her go.