A/N: I'm so sorry for the delay of this chapter… the holiday snuck up on me and then I've been swamped at school with presentations/projects and I also have finals coming up so you're going to have to be patient once again for the next chapter… oh and on top of that I spent probably a zillion hours re-working the entire outline for this story (so that it's better than what I originally planned) and then I actually got bit by the inspiration bug and came up with another story idea and I had to start writing (the outline) down too! So, it was really all for you guys :) Happy reading and don't forget to leave a comment!

Chapter 5 – The Nearness of You

Johnny fidgeted in his Italian suit as he stood beside the door of the room that Claudia was now frantically running around, trying to get ready to walk down the aisle. He sighed heavily and leaned against the wall, thinking about how he was going to get through this day. The string quartet that was booked for the wedding had just started, meaning the moment that he was dreading was drawing near.

"John?"

He looked up, seeing that the door was slightly ajar, and he noticed how Claudia's voice behind the door was anxious. He pushed the door open and even though he wasn't looking forward to giving his sister away, a smile crept on his face when he caught sight of her in her dress. She looked like she had walked straight out of one of those bridal magazines. It was a crisp white one shoulder gown with a three tiered floor length skirt. She was wearing some diamond hair pins that held her raven locks up, a diamond bracelet that Johnny recognized as belonging to her mother, Dominica Zacchara, and a birdcage veil.

"You know, for someone who said that they were allergic to weddings and marriage, you do make one beautiful bride…" Johnny said.

Claudia gave her brother a watery smile and she kissed him on the cheek. It was a bittersweet day for Johnny. He was happy that Claudia was finally getting the happy ending that she deserved. He knew how much she had struggled throughout her life and how it took her a long time to trust and let people in because of their upbringing with their father but somehow she managed to get past all that to be with a man that loved her.

But that man was Nikolas.

The very same man that had blown his life to bits.

A part of Johnny, a very spiteful part, wanted to tell Claudia the truth so that she would leave him so that Nikolas could maybe feel an ounce of the pain that Johnny felt when he was ripped from the arms of the woman that he loved. However, he valued his sister's happiness more than his need to satisfy his revenge. Johnny knew that Claudia would leave Nikolas in a heartbeat if she had known what had truly happened but she would most likely be unhappy for the rest of her life and he could never live with himself if he took away the one thing that was good in Claudia's life.

"You seem sad… is everything ok?" Claudia asked and he nodded his head.

"I'm fine… I'm just trying to wrap my mind around this entire thing and giving you away…" he said, trying to chuckle in order to cover up his obvious discomfort, and she seemed to have bought it because she just smiled again.

"Are you sure that I look ok? Do I look too fat in this dress? I was just so determined to wear an Amsale dress that maybe I was just a bit too ambitious and—" she began rambling and Johnny shook his head.

"You look great… I think you look great and I know that Nikolas will think that you look great too…" he said, trying not to have any malice slip out as he spoke of her groom.

"A part of me thinks that I'm dreaming, you know? Because this amazing and loving man loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me… I've never had that before, John…" she said quietly.

"I'm really happy for you, Claudia… I really am." Johnny said.

He hugged her again and she squeezed him tightly just as she used to when he was little. They had gone through so much together and no matter how bad things got between the two of them, they could always find their way back. When she pulled away from him, he heard her sniffling and he chuckled.

"Ok, no tears… save those for your vows and for Nikolas…" he said.

"Ok…" she sniffled.

"Alright, are you ready to go?" he asked, offering her his arm.

She nodded and linked arms with her brother. She used her other hand to lift the bottom of her dress as they exited the room. The two ushers that were standing at the doorway into the chapel opened the double doors as the wedding march started up. Everyone in the room stood and turned around to see Claudia's entrance. Johnny looked down at the end of the aisle at Nikolas and he noticed that Nikolas' face immediately changed when he laid eyes on Claudia. His eyes widened and his bottom lip began to tremble. Every soul in that chapel was probably bursting with happiness upon witnessing the love that was on Nikolas' face when he saw his bride.

Everyone save Johnny.

Johnny could feel his stomach turn as he looked at Nikolas and his joy. The thought that he was enabling this happy ending made him physically sick to his stomach. Claudia's hand clutched his arm and snapped him out of his trance and they slowly made their descent down the aisle. Finally reaching the end, Nikolas extended his hand out to Johnny in order to shake it and everything inside of him was screaming at him to not to shake the man's hand. This wasn't right. What gave him the right to marry Claudia and be happy when he couldn't be with Lulu? Why should he be the only one who got to be happy?

"Take care of her…" Johnny whispered, trying to sound as neutral as possible.

"I will… I promise you that…" Nikolas said.

Johnny gripped Nikolas' hand and shook it tentatively. Johnny walked to his seat in the first pew as Claudia and Nikolas held hands in front of the priest. The words of the ceremony washed over him in a fog. He couldn't bring himself to listen to anyone pledge themselves to the love of their lives when it was impossible for him to have it for himself. He looked over to his left and saw Lulu sitting in the second pew. Dillon's arm was draped around her and she was leaning against him, with her head on his shoulder. Her hair was pulled up, exposing every single contour of her lovely face. She had a serene smile on her face as she watched her brother get married.

"Ladies and Gentlemen… Mr. and Mrs. Nikolas Cassadine!" the priest announced.

Everyone rose to their feet and applauded. Nikolas took Claudia's face in his hands and kissed her deeply, garnering some laughs from the wedding guests. Johnny sighed and joined in with the guests and clapped, clearly unenthusiastic about the nuptials. At that moment, he happened to gaze over in Lulu's direction and his eyes met hers. He often thought about what their wedding would've been like, thinking about the vows that she would've said, how she would've looked in her dress, and if he would've cried when he first laid eyes on her in her dress. She quickly looked away from him, visibly bothered by the look that they shared and made a hasty exit from the chapel, following the newlywed couple out the doors.

The wedding party quickly descended on the MetroCourt hotel for the reception. The main ballroom was completely decorated in lights and flowers, creating a fairytale atmosphere to accompany the fairytale wedding that just took place. Lulu jolted in her seat as Dillon slid his hand in hers but covered it up flawlessly with a reassuring smile. She didn't anticipate this day to be this hard to deal with. She was overjoyed with the fact that her brother had finally married Claudia but she hadn't been to a wedding since her own failed one two years prior.

And she definitely didn't expect to be in the same room with Johnny, watching a wedding take place.

This day was supposed to be about her brother and his happiness and she resented Johnny for having that power to make her think of him and only him on a day that was not about the two of them. She pressed her free hand to her temple and sighed.

"Lulu? Did you hear what I said?"

Lulu looked up sharply and turned around to face Dillon. Even though he hated wearing them, Dillon looked very polished in his suit and he even tamed his usually spiky hair for a more subdued gelled look to accompany his outfit.

"Wh—What?" she asked.

"Dance with me?" he asked, smiling.

"S—Sure…" she stammered.

Dillon took her by the hand and led her towards the dance floor. Lulu used her other hand to pick up the hem of her floor length burgundy dress as they walked to the dance floor. Looking over beside her, Lulu saw Nikolas and Claudia dancing together, gazing into each other's eyes as if there was no one else in the room, and beside them were an array of couples such as Patrick Drake and Robin Scorpio-Drake, Jasper and Carly Jacks, Lucky and Elizabeth Spencer, and Alexis Davis and Mac Scorpio. Dillon pulled her in, placing his hands on her lower back, and they started rocking gently to the music. She closed her eyes, pretending that she was somewhere else.

"I can't wait for our wedding day…" he whispered.

She buried her face into the crook of his neck, trying to hide the tears that were threatening to form in her eyes. She couldn't let him see her falling apart and give him more cause to question her and to worry about her. She looked up and her eyes were met with Johnny's as he stood across the room, leaning against one of the pillars. He had a drink in his hand, most likely scotch, and he was staring straight at her in the way that Dillon had observed. He was staring at her in a slightly possessive manner, like she belonged to him and for some strange reason, she felt ashamed as she was in Dillon's arms and he was watching her and looking like he wanted to come up to the two of them and break them apart. The lump in her throat was growing so rapidly that she thought that she was going to suffocate.

"I'm sorry… I can't…" she gasped, pushing herself away from Dillon's arms.

"Lulu?" Dillon asked, bewildered by her fiancée's actions.

She needed to get away from everything and everyone. She pushed open the door to the ladies' room and leaned over the sink, practically gasping for air. She could see her tears fall into the sink basin. She hoped that Johnny didn't see her fall apart on the dance floor as she almost did at the church during the wedding and she definitely hoped that Johnny wouldn't come running after her. The door to the bathroom opened and Lulu quickly wiped any remnants of tears from her face.

"Hey, are you alright?"

Lulu sighed and turned around, putting on a fake smile. Claudia was standing before her, sporting a concerned look. She was still dressed in her gorgeous, undoubtedly designer, wedding dress with her hands on her hips.

"Yeah, I'm fine… don't worry about me… this is your wedding day…" Lulu insisted.

"We're family now… and I look out for my family…" Claudia said, putting her hand on Lulu's shoulder.

"I'm fine… I swear…" Lulu chuckled.

"I just feel guilty about being happy when everyone seems to be falling apart around me…" Claudia sighed, leaning against the door.

"What's wrong?" Lulu asked.

"It's John… I know that something's bothering him but he won't open up to me…" Claudia lamented.

"Maybe he just didn't want to burden you with anything right before your wedding…" Lulu offered.

Claudia sighed and folded her arms across her chest. Lulu knew how hard it was for Claudia to sit on the sidelines as her brother was floundering. Lulu knew, probably better than anybody, how close the bond was between the two Zacchara siblings and how protective they were of each other. It actually often led to disastrous consequences.

"Will you do me a favor?" Claudia asked.

"What?" Lulu asked.

"Will you talk to him? He'll open up to you, Lulu…" Claudia pleaded but Lulu shook her head.

"He won't…" Lulu insisted.

"Yes, he will… he lov—he cares about you, Lulu… will you please talk to him?" Claudia asked and Lulu sighed, nodding her head.

"I'll talk to him… I can't promise that it'll help but I will try to talk to him…" Lulu promised.

Claudia smiled and put her arms around her newfound sister-in-law. Lulu returned her embrace and exhaled deeply. No matter how much she tried to escape it, she always managed to get pulled back into Johnny Zacchara's orbit. Claudia thanked her again and took her leave from the bathroom, leaving Lulu alone once again in the bathroom. She gazed at her reflection in the mirror and sighed again.

"Lu?"

She gasped as the door opened and Dillon poked his head into the ladies' room. She turned to face her fiancé and attempted to brush her surprise aside with a nervous laugh. He strode towards her and put his hands on her shoulder, examining her countenance carefully.

"Have you been crying?" he asked.

"No! Of course not! Why would I be crying? My brother just married the love of his life… I'm—I'm overjoyed…" she explained but it was clear that Dillon was skeptical.

"You have been crying… what's wrong?" he asked.

"I already told you… I'm fine…" she said, her tone sharpening as a result of her irritation.

"Your behavior at the church and then that spectacle on the dance floor would indicate otherwise… come on, Lulu… I know you… does this have anything to do with Johnny?" he asked.

He was right. He did know her well because he hit the problem straight on the head. Johnny Zacchara seemed to be the source of everything that was wrong with her. She was becoming increasingly anxious about the wedding that she was planning, she couldn't stand in a church without wanting to cry, and she couldn't even share a dance with her fiancé…

All because of Johnny Zacchara.

"Absolutely not and if you'll excuse me, I have to go find Carly…" Lulu growled.

She roughly strode by Dillon and exited the bathroom. Carly was standing with Jax as he held their two year old daughter, Josslyn, in his arms. Pushing her encounter with Dillon and the talk about Johnny with Claudia into the back of her mind, Lulu walked up to Carly just as Jax made one of his witty jokes. She reached out to tap Carly on the shoulder when Johnny emerged from one of the side lounges and locked eyes with her. He had a glass of scotch in his hand and slowly lifted the glass to his lips, taking a long sip.

"Hey!"

Lulu snapped out of her trance and saw Carly beaming at her. She shook her head, banishing any lingering thoughts from her mind and took Carly's hand.

"Come with me… I need some air…" Lulu said, tearing her eyes away from Johnny's and dragging her cousin out in the direction of the balcony.

Johnny's surroundings were blurry around him as he stumbled towards his front door. He was thankful that he hadn't driven to the wedding since he was beyond drunk. The house was dark as he made his way across the foyer and into his father's study. He had tried to keep out of sight for most of the reception because he couldn't stand to be around people who were celebrating such a 'joyous' occasion.

And he couldn't stand to be near Lulu either.

Watching her as she danced with Dillon made him physically ill and he had to fight every urge inside of him that wanted to tear her from Dillon's arms and take her for himself but she didn't belong to him and she never would. It was the way that things had to be. Johnny managed to not trip over his feet as he collapsed onto the chaise lounge near his father's prized mahogany desk and he closed his eyes, knowing that he was going to be nursing one hell of a hangover in the morning.

"Johnny?"

He grimaced, knowing that voice anywhere. He had heard it in his dreams, haunting him for the past two years, and he shook his head, hoping that he was actually dreaming. A small but warm hand came to his forehead and he sighed. Her touch was just as heavenly as it was in the garden shed and he opened his eyes slowly, taking in her appearance. The only light, one from the desk, was hazy and low and gave her skin and her golden curls a luminescent glow. She was still in her burgundy dress from the wedding and one of the straps of her dress had fallen off her shoulder, exposing a patch of her sweet skin to him.

"What are you doing here?" he whispered.

"Claudia asked me to come… to check and see if you were ok… she's worried about you…" she said and he scoffed.

"Do I look ok?" he asked.

"Johnny… about the garden shed…" she started.

However, before she could even finish her thought, he rose to his feet and walked over to the liquor cart. He didn't want to hear the rest of what she had to say. He didn't want to hear that she was sorry and that it was a mistake and she shouldn't have kissed him because to him, it wasn't a mistake.

It was right.

It was a beautiful conundrum, it was right but impossible. They could never be together but when they were, it was something so perfect that it almost couldn't be put into words. Johnny poured himself another glass of scotch and lifted it towards his lips but couldn't bring himself to take a sip. No amount of alcohol could drown her out of his mind.

"Johnny, please… I thought that we agreed to be friends…" she started as she began to approach him from behind.

"I know…" he breathed, leaning over the liquor cart.

"I care about you and you just seem so unhappy…" she said, placing her hand on his shoulder.

He shrugged her hand off his shoulder and he could hear a small but painful gasp escape her lips from the gesture. He didn't like to be deliberately cruel to her but he had no choice. He couldn't stand to be near her but not have her. His hands were practically trembling as they ached to touch her.

"Go back to your fiancé, Lulu…" he said through gritted teeth.

"No." Lulu said firmly and Johnny turned around to face her.

"What?" he asked.

"I'm not leaving you… not in this state… besides me and Claudia, who else do you have?" she asked.

"Don't you get it? I don't have you, Lulu!" he cried.

He didn't mean to blurt that out but he could only hold back so much. He dropped his head as his bottom lip began to tremble but she reached out, using two fingers to lift his chin up to look at him. Her eyes were coated with tears that had yet to fall and she used her other hand to stroke the side his face. She was far too close for him to control himself. If he kept his distance from her then he wouldn't be tempted to act on his desires but now, with the smell of her perfume and the feel of her touch and her breath on his face filling his senses, he was slowly losing that battle.

"That's not true…" she murmured.

With that, she pressed her lips to his with more passion that he had ever felt in her lips. His hands cupped her face as she guided him back towards the chaise lounge. Her fingertips found the buttons on his white dress shirt and began to unfasten them as they both fell on top of the lounge. He pushed the strap down her shoulder and swirled his tongue around on the bare patch of skin before pressing a kiss on her shoulder. She arched her back and let out a gasp, running her fingers through his dark brown hair. She slightly pushed him off her but only to slowly unzip the long side zip. He watched intently as she peeled the dress off her body, revealing a black lace ensemble underneath.

"Johnny?" she whispered.

He had imagined this moment for so long; the moment in which he could finally make her his again. But as he looked at her, waiting for him to make the next move, he couldn't move. He couldn't move, breathe or even blink. There were too many thoughts and emotions running through his mind and he found himself backing away from her and the increasing sense of sorrow in her eyes as he moved farther away from her ate away at his soul until his back hit the opposite wall.

"We can't…" he whispered.

He knew that he would hurt her if they gave in and made love right there on that chaise lounge and he didn't want to do that to her again. He had caused her too much pain and he just wanted to do something right by her for once. He swallowed hard and looked away as she quickly rose to her feet and zipped up her dress, trying hard to not let him hear her cry. As the front door slammed shut, Johnny felt his knees give out from underneath him and he slowly sank to the floor, burying his head in his hands.

Lulu sat on the couch in her apartment, going over every moment that had just occurred within the past hour. She covered her mouth with her hands and tried to choke back a sob as she thought about how she completely lost control and threw herself at Johnny. She knew that Claudia's suggestion to check up on Johnny would end disastrously but she would've never guessed that it would end up with her on the brink of making love to him. The person that she became when she was close to Johnny scared her. It scared her to feel how much she needed him, craved him even. He had hurt her so badly and she still wanted to feel his soft kisses on her skin, the weight of his body on top of hers, and his soft hair in between her fingers.

"Lulu?"

Upon hearing Dillon's voice, Lulu completely broke down and sobbed. Only Johnny Zacchara could make her cry like this. Dillon came around the couch, took her in his arms, and began rocking her back and forth as she came apart.

"I'm—I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Dillon…" she cried.

"What is it?" he asked.

"You were right… and I'm sorry… I'm—I'm so sorry… I hate myself and what I'm doing to you… I'm so sorry…" she sobbed.

"What are you sorry for?" he asked, curling a piece of hair around her ear.

"Johnny… I've been so unfair to you with talking to him and pretending that there was nothing for you to worry about… I pro—promise that I won't do it anymore…" she sniffed.

"You won't see him again?" he asked and she nodded.

"I promise… I won't seek out Johnny Zacchara ever again…" she said.