A/N: Four words: I Hate Writer's Block. That's my excuse for why this chapter is so late. I know it's a lame excuse but I literally couldn't write this chapter. It was like trying to push against a brick wall. But since I'm practically snowed in by the huge snowstorm that hit the east coast, I figured that I would just sit here and crank this chapter out and voila! It's done! I'm not sure if I like it or not but it's done! Happy reading!! And please leave a comment, of course :)
Chapter 11 – Scream
Lulu looked into her brother's eyes, completely dumbfounded by his confession. Did she just hear him correctly? How could this have been possible? Nikolas had been there for her and been on her side ever since she was a little girl. He was the only one who actually hadn't been overtly vocal about his distaste for her relationship with Johnny, stating that it was her choice who she dated and no one else should interfere.
How could he do this to her?
Nikolas reached for her hand and she jerked it away as she shifted her weight so that she moved away from him. His eyes were remorseful but none of that mattered to Lulu. He was the one who had stayed with her for days after Johnny had left, listening to her cry herself to sleep every night, holding her in his arms and repeatedly telling her that everything was going to be alright and that it wasn't her fault that Johnny had left. He had done all of that, knowing that he was the one who had caused it all.
And that was the worst betrayal of all.
He had started this entire chain of events that had led her to this.
"Lulu…" Nikolas started but she shook her head vehemently.
"Don't… don't you dare say that you're sorry!" Lulu shrieked.
She wrenched her arm away from him as he reached out to her. She could feel her throat threaten to close as the weight of her brother's lies began to literally choke her. She couldn't even believe what she was hearing. The one person who swore to always be there for her had betrayed her in the worst possible way. She put her hand over her heart, silently commanding it to slow, and she opened her eyes and stared at her reflection in the mirror.
"He was still lying to you about Michael's shooting! I didn't—I didn't want you to get hurt!" he cried.
"So you put him in an impossible situation? Making me hate him either way he chose? I can't believe you, Nikolas! You were always the one who was on my side! I can't believe that you would do this to me!" she cried.
"But you bounced back! Like I knew that you would! And then Dillon came back into your life and—" he began.
"That wasn't love, Nikolas! I loved what Dillon represented… that chance to fix what was so broken inside of me… something that you helped smash to pieces!" she screamed.
Her anger was scorching through her body, wanting release. She picked up a vase, one that probably cost as much as her salary, and hurled it across the room. The piercing sound of it shattering made Nikolas flinch and she half wished that she had thrown it at him, so that he could physically feel the pain that was tearing her apart inside. She watched Nikolas rise from his seat on the edge of the bed and draw closer to her.
"Would you still have married Johnny if you had known the truth about Michael's shooting?" he asked.
"Yes! Because love allows people to forgive, Nikolas! I would've forgiven him eventually and we would've been together! I would've been married to Johnny right now and you took that from me!" she cried.
Something resembling pity or remorse filled Nikolas' dark irises but it was too late. He had already ruined everything and there was nothing that he could do to change it. There was no magic wand that he could wave and make everything alright again. He had watched her mourn her relationship with Johnny, tearing herself inside-out as she wondered what she did so wrong to make him run away, all the while he knew that he was the one responsible for her unhappiness. Suddenly, the door flew open and Claudia entered the bedroom. She looked down as her red stiletto crunched a fragment of a vase.
"What's going on?" Claudia asked.
"Saint Nikolas over here has decided to appoint himself to be the decider over everyone's lives…" Lulu spat.
"She's upset… I've got it under control…" Nikolas said, trying to assure his wife.
"Stay, Claudia… I think that she needs to hear this… so she can see what kind of man she married…" Lulu said.
"Lulu… this is between you and me…" Nikolas said, half as a warning but half as a plea to not say anything.
She wanted him to suffer as much as she had. She wanted him to cry himself to sleep over losing Claudia like Lulu had done over Johnny. She wanted him to lose the one thing that mattered more to him than anything else in the world because that was what he did to her. He had taken Johnny away from her because he deemed him to be not good enough for her and she was going to do the same. She wanted him to hurt as much as she had.
"Nikolas is the reason why Johnny and I never made it down the aisle two years ago… he was the one who forced Johnny into leaving me at the altar… he held Michael's shooting over his head and made him leave town." Lulu said.
Claudia's head snapped to Nikolas upon Lulu's confession. Her face betrayed not a single emotion, as if she were made from stone. She just stared at Nikolas for what seemed to be an eternity, as if she was reading him, looking for any inkling that there was some merit to her statement. However, Nikolas sighed and looked away from his wife's cold glare.
And that was all the confirmation that she needed.
Claudia let out one small breath, as if she was holding it in for those long moments, and quickly struck Nikolas across the face.
"Claudia…" he sighed, rubbing the place where his wife had struck him.
"I need to have a moment with my husband… alone." Claudia said, turning to Lulu.
The malice in Claudia's voice as she said 'husband' was like venom. Johnny was Claudia's only family and the fact that Nikolas was the one who had caused him to be unhappy for the last two years would certainly not sit well with her. Lulu silently nodded and excused herself from the room. As soon as she closed the door behind her, she could hear Claudia's irate screams begin.
"You are such a bastard, Nikolas! You know how much my brother means to me! How could you marry me, knowing that you had ruined his life?" Claudia roared.
"I know…" Nikolas lamented.
"And how could you do that to your own sister? Who you claim to love?" she cried.
"I love my sister… just as much as you love Johnny… I thought that I was protecting her!" Nikolas shouted.
"From Johnny? The man that loves her more than his own life?" Claudia cried.
Lulu ducked into the next room, a small parlor of some kind. She could hear Claudia yelling at Nikolas and he returning her angry barbs with apologies and overtures about how much he loved her. She sat in a nearby armchair and closed her eyes. Her thoughts drifted back to that day two years ago, as they often did in the recent weeks. She could see Nikolas standing over Johnny, watching him write that letter that would break her heart. She thought about how Nikolas held her for hours, comforting and consoling her when her entire world had just vanished before her very eyes, all the while he knew that he was the one who caused it.
The very thought of it made her sick to her stomach.
She was roused from her daydreams by the sharp crack of a door being slammed. She sat up and her ears piped up, trying to pick up any inkling of a sound. The door to the parlor slowly creaked open and Nikolas walked in. Gone was the cocky and arrogant demeanor that he usually carried himself with. His eyes were red and the area surrounding them was damp from tears. He looked into his sister's unforgiving glare and quickly sat down across the room, slumping into the chair, completely defeated.
"Claudia said that she needs some space… to figure out if she still wants to be married to me… but I'm not stupid… she's left me…" he whispered.
"Do you blame her?" Lulu asked and he shook his head.
"No… it's—it's what I deserve for all of the secrets that I kept…" he said.
For a brief moment, she felt sorry for him. He had finally gotten his happy ending with Claudia and a marriage but Lulu had just ruined it all for him in one minute. But he was right, it was what he deserved for all of the secrets that he kept and the lies that he told. It was like that old saying about reaping what you sow. He had ruined her life and now he had to live with that choice and the wreckage that used to be his life. Lulu slowly rose to her feet and walked across the room. As her hand touched the cold metal knob, Nikolas' hand reached out and grasped hers.
"You're leaving me too?" he asked, looking up at his sister and she could see in his eyes that he was desperately trying to hold onto something so that he wouldn't be alone.
"Would you blame me if I did?" she asked.
One tear slid down her brother's face and he shook his head. He gently released her hand from his grip and lowered his head in defeat. She turned the handle of the door and she heard his soft sobs fill the room.
"I didn't think so either…" she said.
"Good evening, Mr. Zacchara…"
Johnny gave his driver a meek smile and a slight nod of acknowledgement as the driver opened the door for him. His skin prickled as the cold night air brushed over him as he stood outside on the tarmac. He could see the main arrivals area in the distance away from the area where passengers on private planes disembarked where he stood. He saw the families hugging and kissing and he felt his insides go numb. He had been hurting so much and for so long that he no longer felt any pain inside of him but rather just an emptiness where his heart should've been. He watched as fathers reunited with their families, scooping their small children into their arms and kissing their wives.
That's all that he wanted in this world.
Lulu's bright face was the one that he wanted to see when he stepped off a plane at the airport, with a child that was just the perfect combination of the two of them in her arms. He never thought he'd ever want a family after seeing his own implode before his very eyes but all of that had changed when he fell in love with Lulu. He thought about the life that they would have, watching their kids grow up, piano recitals, graduations and weddings.
He wanted it all with her.
He sighed heavily and climbed into the sleek town car, silently waiting as the driver loaded his luggage into the trunk. The car roared to life underneath him and he closed his eyes, wondering when this pain would start to ebb. He had been in pieces for two years and now with this emotionally devastating trip back to Port Charles behind him, he wondered if he could ever be put back together again. He knew that he would never allow himself to fall in love again even though he knew that he probably lacked the capacity to do so. He had already had his one chance at real love and he messed it up long ago.
There was no coming back from this.
Suddenly, he felt his cell phone vibrate and he fished it out of his jacket pocket. Looking down at the illuminated screen, he saw that it was Claudia. He pushed the button labeled "Ignore" and shoved it back into his pocket. He was not in the mood for one of Claudia's calls or anyone's calls for that matter. He wanted to be undisturbed as he mourned his irreparable relationship with Lulu. He even gave his staff strict instructions to not reveal to anyone where he was until he said it was ok.
"Mr. Zacchara?"
Johnny looked up at the open partition to his driver.
"Yes?" Johnny asked.
"We have arrived at the villa…" the driver said.
"Oh, thank you…" Johnny muttered.
He stepped out of the limousine and sighed as he took in the sight of the spacious Zacchara villa. He put the strap to his laptop bag around his shoulder and headed towards the house. The villa was both his haven and his prison. He could get away from all the pain that plagued him in Port Charles but being there just made the fact that he wasn't with Lulu so much more abundantly clear.
"Where shall I put your bags, Mr. Zacchara?" one of the guards asked.
"Just leave them here for now, Marco." Johnny said.
Marco nodded politely and set down the bags near the staircase. Johnny shrugged off his laptop bag and set it beside the rest of his luggage and headed up the marble staircase. Nothing inside of the villa had changed since he had left weeks prior. Every detail down to every single flower in every single vase looked exactly how he left it. He pushed open the double doors to the master bedroom and sighed upon looking into his dark and desolate bedroom. As he closed the door behind him, he felt his phone start ringing in his pocket. He looked down at the caller ID and saw his sister's name and number appear and he groaned. He didn't want to talk to anybody, least of all Claudia.
"Damn it, Claudia… I'm not in the mood…" he hissed.
He wasn't in the mood to talk to Claudia because he knew what she had to say. He knew that she was calling him to tell him that Lulu had finally married Dillon and he wasn't ready to face that. In the back of his mind, he knew that it wouldn't help to put off facing the inevitable but just for a few days at least. His heart had been battered enough in the past weeks to last him a lifetime and surely no one would hold it against him for wanting a few days to recover from it. He sat down on the edge of his bed and pressed his forehead against one of the posts. He thought that it would be easier to get away from everything that reminded him of Lulu but he just became more aware of the fact that he didn't have her.
She belonged to someone else now.
The bottle of grappa that was sitting on credenza was staring at him. He closed his eyes, trying to will himself not to pour himself a glass, but all he could see was Lulu draped over Dillon. His hands were all over her and her lips gently caressed his skin. The light from her newly acquired wedding band glimmered in the light, as if it was taunting Johnny. He opened his eyes and lunged for the bottle of alcohol. Grappa had been his one solace when he had came to the villa after leaving Lulu at the altar. But this he would never recover from. In a way, he liked it better when he didn't know what she was doing or who she was with because it gave him a small sliver of hope. He could still hope and wish that she would come back to him but now she was someone else's wife. She would never be his again. He quickly hurled the cell phone in his hand the mirror above the credenza, shattering it into a million pieces. He could hear footsteps climbing the stairs outside of his door, most likely one of the guards coming to check to see what the sound was.
"Excuse me, Mr. Zacchara… but is everything alright in here?" Marco asked through the door.
"I'm fine…" Johnny said, as he poured himself a glass of grappa.
A small band-aid on a gaping wound.
Lulu sighed as she closed the door behind her. The plush interior of the suite at the MetroCourt hadn't changed since she had last been a hotel guest. The staff knew exactly who she was she walked into the lobby and asked for a room and gave her one of the largest suites in the entire hotel. It was probably the only semi-bright spot in her day so far. She tossed her purse aside and it landed on an armchair as she walked towards the window. The storm had let up and the streets below her glistened as the light from the streetlamps bounced off the slick pavement.
"Lulu?"
She turned around and saw Carly standing in the doorway. She had been so distracted that she hadn't heard Carly knock. Lulu smiled weakly at her cousin and beckoned her to come inside. In one swift motion, Carly strode to Lulu and took her in her arms. Lulu exhaled deeply, letting a sob escape her chest as she too wrapped her arms around Carly. The hotel manager must've notified Carly that she had checked in and Carly knew that there must've been something wrong in order for her to book a room at the MetroCourt.
"What happened?" Carly asked.
"What hasn't happened?" Lulu sighed.
"Well, I just got off the phone with Nikolas…" Carly started.
Lulu rolled her eyes and walked towards the window. Of course Nikolas called Carly. Where was his brotherly concern when he decided to take a steamroller to her life? He clearly showed no concern for her wellbeing when she forced the man that she loved out of her life.
"Really?" Lulu asked dryly.
"He sounded concerned… he said that you left Wyndamere very upset…" Carly said and Lulu rolled her eyes.
"Well, did my wonderful brother tell you why I was so upset?" Lulu spat.
"It sounds like you want to tell me…" Carly said.
Carly took Lulu's hand and they both sat down on the bed. Lulu took a deep sigh, knowing that she owed her cousin an explanation for her vicious attitude towards her brother. Carly's hand gently stroked Lulu's blond curls and she could feel that she was deeply concerned about her, probably the only one who truly was instead of faking it for two years like Nikolas had.
"Dillon and I were going to drive up to a justice of the peace and get married… he asked me to forget the big fancy wedding and just elope with him and I agreed…" Lulu started.
"Why?" Carly asked.
"Because I needed to prove something to him… or to myself, I guess." Lulu said.
"Because of Johnny?" Carly asked.
"But Johnny was right… he said that I would never feel for Dillon what I felt for him and I realized that when I was standing at that damn altar and I just—I couldn't go through with it…" Lulu stammered.
She looked away as her voice broke. How could she have been so blind? How could she not see what was staring her right in the face? She loved Johnny and she never stopped. Even when it went against her common sense and even though she knew it was wrong for her to still want him after he had abandoned her, she still loved him.
But now it was too late.
His persistence could only hold out for so long. She knew that she had hurt him, probably more than anyone else in his life with her constant mixed signals. She had one hand pulling him closer while the other was pushing him away and it wasn't fair. What she did to him wasn't fair and she knew that she didn't deserve another chance with him and she knew that no one had the tolerance to put up with being jerked around like she had done. She knew all of this.
But it didn't make his departure any less painful.
"Johnny left, didn't he?" Carly asked quietly.
"I went to Crimson Pointe and it was closed up… there was no one there… I drove him away, Carly! I drove him—" Lulu screamed.
Carly threw her arms around Lulu as she dissolved into those ever present tears. Lulu buried her face into Carly's burgundy sweater and sobbed. Maybe this was her punishment for treating Johnny in the way that she did. She deserved to lose him for all that she put him through.
"I'm so sorry, Lu…" Carly whispered.
"And this is all Nikolas' fault!" Lulu cried.
"I don't see how he figures into this situation…" Carly said and Lulu shook her head.
"Nikolas used Michael's shooting to get Johnny to leave me at the altar." Lulu said.
"What?" Carly gasped.
"Yeah… so that's why I left Wyndamere and came here… I hope you can give me a monthly rate because I plan to be here for awhile… just until I can find another place to stay…" Lulu sighed.
"You can stay here as long as you need to but you're—you're not going to go after Johnny?" Carly asked but Lulu just shook her head.
"It's too late, Carly… I called the airport and the Zacchara jet left and the pilot didn't give a destination… Johnny obviously doesn't want me to find him." Lulu lamented.
"And that's going to stop you?" Carly asked.
"What do you mean?" Lulu asked.
"If you want Johnny like you say you do, then you need to figure out a way for him to hear you." Carly said.
Lulu looked up at Carly and a small smile curved across her lips. She had come up with every conceivable reason why she deserved to lose Johnny but she hadn't even considered the reasons why they belonged together. And there were plenty of them. After all of this time apart, she and Johnny still loved each other and it literally destroyed the both of them to be apart. She knew that there was no one else in this world that would ever love her in the same way that Johnny loved her and she was sure that there would be no one else that would love him with the kind of passion that she did.
He was her whole life… and she was his.
How could she just resign herself to a life without him? She fought to push him away when she thought that he would just hurt her again but now she needed to fight with that same strength to get him back. She needed to show him that she wanted him and only him for the rest of her life.
"I'll leave you to think about that…" Carly said, rising to her feet.
"Thanks, Carly… for everything." Lulu said, accompanying her cousin to the door.
"But before I do… consider forgiving Nikolas too…" Carly said.
Lulu wasn't prepared for that. After everything that he had done to ruin her relationship with Johnny, how could she even consider forgiving Nikolas? Surely this had to be some sort of gag that Carly was playing on her.
"You must be joking… Carly, how can I forgive Nikolas? He's the one who's made this entire situation!" Lulu cried.
"Yes… but he is your brother, Lulu… and even if what he did was horrible and completely misguided, it wasn't out of malice." Carly explained.
"It doesn't matter what his motives were… he decided that I wasn't capable of making my own choices and cut Johnny out of my life without my knowledge or consent! I can't just magically forgive him for that…" Lulu said.
"And I don't expect you to magically forgive him… but I would hope that you would at least think about it…" Carly reasoned.
Lulu sighed and shook her head. She knew that Carly was just looking out for her and she was grateful for someone actually on her side without having some sort of hidden agenda but she couldn't even hear Nikolas' name without gritting her teeth. Thinking about her brother and his betrayal made her seethe with rage and she definitely needed time to try and work through that. However, even if she did work through it, it wouldn't be right to just excuse what he had done.
"I know that you mean well… I really do… but I just—I don't know if I can ever forgive Nikolas for what he's done…" Lulu said.