September 5
Dear Diary,
Today I was set up with a guy named Quil. The date started off normal enough that is until he insisted on cutting my steak and calling me "Isabewa." The baby talk really shocked me. Who the hell talks like that? "Does Isabewa wike her steaky-wakey?" "Would Isabewa like some more wa-wa with her din-din?" Before I got arrested for assault and battery, I excused myself to the restroom, and when he then proceeded to ask me if I would "need my cute widdle hiney wiped," I declined and fought hard as hell not to stab him with my fork.
On the way to the ladies room, our waitress stopped me and told me that my date had set a bottle and pacifier on my plate, and asked if I would need her assistance in escaping. I almost turned into a lesbian right then and there, I was so happy. She put a table cloth over my head, snuck me out of the back door and called a taxi for me. I gave her a $50 tip.
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September 12
Dear Diary,
I was really adamant about not going on any more dates, but, of course, the girls wouldn't let me out of it. Today I went on a date with Marcus, a successful businessman. He had a private jet and flew us to Vegas to gamble and dine at Bobby Flay's restaurant. It was really exciting, being in a private jet for the first time. And I'm a huge Food Network fan, so the thought of eating Bobby Flay's creations had me salivating and glowing with anticipation. When the jet landed, we were greeted by a limo. I was so impressed. Who wouldn't be, right?
After we got into the limo, he said we had to make a stop before dinner. He was very affectionate, kissing my hand, caressing my cheek, etc. At this point, I was swooning and picking China patterns for the wedding. The limo stopped, we got out, and he held my hand as we walked into a tuxedo shop. I asked him if he was going to be in a wedding and he told me he was. The tuxedo shop guy came into the fitting room with us and congratulated us on our upcoming nuptials. My date kissed my hand, looked at the tuxedo guy and corrected him by saying, and I quote, "Oh, this is my date and future girlfriend. My fiancée's back home."
I'm sure my eyes were close to popping out of my head at this point. Engaged?! Oh. Hell. No. When the fitting was done, I was fuming and my date asked me if the tux looked good on him. The fucking nerve! I almost caught a case, but had to stop myself because I was stuck here. How the hell would I get home all the way from Vegas? Plus, I was gonna get me some of Bobby Flay's food, damnit! At the restaurant, I ordered eight appetizers, six main courses and seven desserts. He was pissed and I left the Mesa Grill with the best "doggy bag" in history. Boo yow!
On the drive back to the private jet, his fiancée called, and he told her that he was on a last minute business trip, but he'd be home in a few hours and he promised to "make her scream his name." I excused myself to the jet bathroom and stayed on the toilet until it landed. Upon landing, I caught a cab and never answered his 26 calls. The plus side? I had a week's worth of fuckawesome food.
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September 19
Dear Diary,
Today, my date was Caius. What the hell kind of name is that? Anyway, he took me to a catfish restaurant and it was pretty decent. He was a really nice and preppy guy. His jokes were really funny and the conversation was never dull. He was a very handsome, intellectual and interesting guy. Caius was definitely someone I could go out with again.
Throughout the dinner, his phone kept ringing, so he put it on vibrate. After about the twelfth vibrate, I could see he was getting annoyed. I told him it was okay to answer it if it was important. He thanked me and answered the phone, and I'll try to quote the conversation as best I can, since it's still kinda fresh in my memory. Keep in mind we're in a family-style restaurant...
"Hello?"
Pause
"BITCH! I told your raggedy ass not to call me!"
Pause
"I don't give a FUCK! You know that ain't my baby!"
Pause
"Bitch, I'm not goin' through this a-motherfuckin-gin!"
Pause
"I told ya dumb ass I was on a date tonight. Can't you see I'm tryin' to get me some pussy?!"
Pause
"Please. PLEASE, I'm BEGGIN' you! Do NOT make me choke ya ass again!"
Pause
"Hell no! Quit beggin'! STUPID ass bitch!"
He hung up the phone, smiled at me and said, "Now, where were we, Beautiful?"
I excused myself to the bathroom, aka the kitchen, and ran the fuck out of the back door. The whole way home, I was thanking Jeebus that he didn't know my number or address.
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September 26
Dear Diary,
Embry was his name. He was tall, dark and handsome. We went to a Jazz club and watched a live band. It was so cool and I really enjoyed myself. The drinks were flowing, the food was great and the band was amazing. I noticed Embry was drinking a LOT, but figured he could hold his liquor since he was so huge. I was wrong. So very wrong. By midnight the band was done and so was Embry. He couldn't form a coherent sentence and looked like his limbs were made of jelly. It took all of my strength to walk him to my car, damn near breaking my legs in the process.
I couldn't leave him in the parking lot, and I damn sure wasn't taking a drunken man back to my place. I took his wallet out of his pocket to look at the address on his driver's license. When we got there, we stumbled for about 20 minutes before we got to the door. By this point, I felt like my back was gonna break from his 250 plus pounds hanging loosely over my shoulders. We got into the door and he plopped down on the couch. I noticed his breathing was steady and I was sure he was unconscious. I wanted to leave but needed to be sure he didn't have alcohol poisoning or something, so I tried to wake him. After a few tries, he still wasn't waking up, so I started shaking him with more force, slapping him and yelling his name.
I didn't get a chance to turn on the lights when we came in, so the room was illuminated by the moonlight. Being in a strange house in the dark was kinda creepy. I started slapping and yelling again but stopped dead in my tracks when I heard growling coming from somewhere. Slowly a huge ass wolf stalked out of the shadows, growling at me with its teeth bared. The wolf stopped about a foot away from me and its eyes were glowing with anger. I pissed myself right then and there and didn't give a damn either. You woulda pissed yourself if this thing was growling at you, too. Don't judge me, Diary. Bitch.
Anyway, for seven hours I kept inhumanly still to keep the 200 pound snarling wolf from ripping my body into unrecognizable pieces. Embry finally woke up and I slowly and calmly (as to not upset the mean wolf) told him to get that thing away from me. When he left the room with the Clydesdale/wolf crossbreed, I flew out of there faster than you could say "fuck my life."
He never called to apologize. What a dick.
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"You have one new message," the automated lady's voice told me when I checked my voicemail.
"Bella!" Rose's voice yelled into my ear. "We're sparing you a horrible date night! We're all going out tonight, just us girls. Meet us at my place in an hour. Alice says you get to pick your own outfit, since you've been through hell these last few weeks. But we're still doing your hair and makeup. Be here or be queer, skank!" Beep.
Well, at least I won't have to worry about any disaster dates tonight. A night out with the girls sounds really good right about now. I dress myself in a bustier that Alice said made my boobs like, fab and low rise jeans and my favorite Jimmy Choos. Alice will be proud.
An hour later we're all gathered at Rosalie's place, dancing around to Danity Kane's "Strip Tease," getting ourselves ready for the night. Two hours later and we're at the club ordering drinks. I order a Screaming Orgasm. I wish I could have a REAL screaming orgasm. A huge ass guy grabs Rose and pulls her to the dance floor. She must think he's hot or she would've punched him in his Little Mister. I'm cradling my Screaming Orgasm at the bar, watching my girls dance under the strobe lights to Young Money's "Bedrock."
I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn around to see a gorgeous, jaw-dropping smile. I think I drool a little. He leans toward me and puts his mouth to my ear. Swoon.
"Wanna dance?"
I nod dumbly and he leads me to the dance floor. "Promise" by Ciara blares through the speakers. I love this song!
I turn my back to him and start moving my hips to the sound of the beat. He puts his hands on my hips and pulls me closer as we move together. My temperature is rising as the song progresses, sweat making my skin glow under the strobe lights. He slowly runs his hands up and down my sides as I sway seductively under his fingertips. I moan and lean my head back into his chest while grinding myself into his now bulging pants. He dips his face into the crook of my neck and I reach my arms behind me to tangle them in his silky hair. I've never danced like this before. No insecurities. Just letting go and feeling sexy as hell.
He licks my neck and I buck my hips back into him. I want him. Now. By this time another song has started playing, but I don't hear (or give a damn) what it is. He reaches his hands down to my thighs and squeezes and kneads them while working my neck with his tongue. I haven't had a man's tongue on me in so long; I think I may orgasm right here on the dance floor. His hands are all over me, caressing me and I damn near beg for more.
Someone grabs my arm and starts pulling me away from my dream man. What the fuck? I look at the hand attached to my arm and see Alice. She gives me a sheepish smile. I want to murder her. I look back for my guy and see him trying to fight his way through the crowd to get to me. By the time Alice drags me to the door, the crowd is too thick around my guy and he can't make it through. He lifts his head to try and see where I am, and I wave my arms like a crazy person, but I don't think he sees me. I want to cry. But first, Alice must die.
"What the FUCK, Alice?! Why would you do that?!"
"Bella, you're drunk and I don't want you doing something you'll regret."
"I'm NOT drunk! I had less to drink than any of you bitches! I felt a connection, Alice, and now I'll never see him again!" I quickly stomp past her to my car, too angry to speak. I know if I say something now, it'll be mean and malicious and I'll regret it.
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A few days later, Alice calls to apologize, and I tell her it's okay, even though it isn't. I still haven't forgotten about him. His smell, his smile, the way his hands felt on my body...
"Bella? Did you hear me?"
"No. What?"
"I said I have a great date picked out for you tomorrow. I know him personally, so you don't have to worry about baby talk or big, bad werewolves growling at you in the dark," she snickers. Bitch. "He's really handsome, funny, and sweet. Everything a girl could ask for. And you're going out with him tomorrow."
I sigh in exasperation, "Fine. Sounds good I guess. What's his name?"
"Jacob!"
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Dun, dun, DUN!!! Will she hit it off with Jake or will he be another weirdo? Only time will tell. Hehehe!
I don't plan on making this a long story, maybe 16 chapters or so. It'll be a short little fic :-)
If you haven't read GYNAZOLE by , read it. NOW. You'll laugh till you puke. Well, maybe not puke, but it's funny as hell! But for real, though... you'll probably piss yourself. Srsly.
Props and boob flashes to my beta coachlady1, the kool to my aide, who has the patience of a saint and eyes like an eagle.
Check out my one shot for The Littlest Peen Contest called The Motion in the Ocean and leave me some lurve! Until next time! Smooches!