A/N:
I don't own Twilight. If I did, I'd be taking a swim in my Olympic sized indoor pool... Filled with money. And RPattz.
o~O~o
As weird as it may seem, I'm beginning to look forward to these blind dates. The scenarios I've been put in have been pretty fuckin' ridiculous and looking back I couldn't help but laugh at the universe's sense of humor. Can't forget Jared, whose grandma drove us to and from the restaurant for our date in her Brady Bunch station wagon. The conversation in the car wavered back and forth between two topics:
1) Gram-Gram interrogating me on my intentions with her grandson and questioning my virtue.
2) Gram-Gram demanding me not to manipulate her angel with my "womanly bits" and steal his innocence.
As if.
He'd told me he had his own business as a movie vendor. Turns out he sold bootleg DVD's. Apparently the economy is affecting the world of illegal activities as hard as us working folk because according to him, bootlegging wasn't as lucrative as he thought it would be. Bootlegging couldn't get him his own vehicle. Or a cab. Or a girlfriend for that matter.
Then there was Amun the magician who performed inappropriate tricks that mortified me to no end. "Presto! A cherry!!! Get it? A cherry? 'Cause I pulled it from the crotch of your pants!"
Gah! Just thinking about it made me shudder.
Paul was nice. Told me up front he had a baby daughter, but I didn't mind. It was just a date and honestly, any man who is there for and takes care of his kids is alright in my book. We were planning on going to an aquarium and I was pretty excited about seeing all of the oceanic life. The plan was I'd meet him at his house, leave my car there and he'd drive us to and from the aquarium. When I rang the bell, a woman with a baby on her hip answered the door. A few seconds later, a frantic looking Paul rushed to the door and introduced me to the woman as his sorority sister. He told her he was taking me on a friendly dinner so we could catch up and talk about old times. She smiled sincerely at me and invited me in for some tea. I declined, saying I left something in my car. I'm sure houses three blocks down could hear my tires screeching as I sped the fuck away.
Oh, and Alistair. He was really nice, kind of shy and quiet. He also seemed nervous, but I chalked it up to first date jitters. He loved the way I styled my hair and asked to touch it, said he loved brunette hair. I thought it was a tad bit weird, but let him rub it anyway and he gushed over how soft it was. I was kind of flattered. What girl doesn't wanna be told her hair is silky soft? He asked me what shampoo and conditioner I used and we spent a good 45 minutes talking about hair products. I could've gone longer because I'm borderline obsessed with conditioner, but didn't wanna bore the poor man to tears. When he dropped me off at my place, he asked if he could come in and quickly use my bathroom before he left. I let him in and sat on the couch, turning on Food Network while waiting on him to finish.
When a whole episode of Takedown with Bobby Flay was almost over, I noticed Alistair still hadn't come out. I got pissed because he had the nerve to drop a stinkin' log in my damn house! I started walking to the bathroom, ready to let him have it, when I heard moans and soft cries. I got a little worried, thinking he might be sick or in pain. My anger immediately subsided and guilt took over. Food poisoning maybe? Every step I took, the moans became louder and I silently tried to remember if I had Pepto Bismol in the medicine cabinet. When I got to the bathroom door, it was slightly ajar, so I peeked inside to make sure he wasn't blowing loads. Nothing can induce my puking more than seeing someone else do it. Just the thought of someone throwing up makes my stomach churn. Instead of seeing him hunched over in pain, I found him sitting on my toilet—pants around his ankles—jacking off with a ball of my hair held up to his nose. Turns out he had a hair fetish and stole the shed hair out of the brushes in my bathroom to get himself off. Yeah. No words.
Of course, while I'm on the actual dates, I don't see the humor. Only when I've had a day or so to digest the tomfoolery did I truly appreciate the hilarity of my life. I could seriously write a book about this shit. People would read my memoirs at their little get-togethers and dinner parties, gathered around the coffee table, taking turns reading passages with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. Hi-fucking-larious.
I'm pulled out of my thoughts by the doorbell ringing. That must be my date for the night, Levi. He divorced eight months ago and decided it was time to move on and start dating. I'm guessing he'll be gentlemanly, since he was married for six years. His wife "trained" him throughout their matrimony, I'm sure. I doubt he's a Neanderthalian, beer drinking chauvinist. I had my reservations about dating a divorced man but figured since he's already been married, he'll want to take things slow and not rush into anything.
I open the door and smile at him. "Hi, Levi, nice to meet you." I reach out to shake his hand and he just stands there with a faraway look in his eyes. Ooookaaaaay. I drop my hand and look at him questioningly.
"Uh, hi. Nice to meet you, Claire."
Claire?
"It's Bella."
"What?"
"My name. It's Bella. You called me Claire."
"Huh? Oh. Um. Sorry, I guess," he shrugs.
Gee, don't sound too enthusiastic there, chief. I fight the urge to roll my eyes. We stand in my doorway, enveloped in uncomfortable silence for who knows how long. I'm guessing three minutes. I huff in annoyance and look at him.
"Sooo... Are we gonna go, or...?"
"Oh. Sure. Sure. Okay, let's go."
Yeah, I can't wait either, dude. The drive to the restaurant is filled with more awkward silence. I'm starting to get really agitated. Before I let myself lose my cool, I decide to break the silence.
"So what kind of music do you like?"
.........
"I don't like music. I used to."
Mmmmkay. Maybe I'll have more success with the next question.
"Um, are you from around here?"
............
"No. Baltimore."
"Oh really? How long have you lived here?"
.............
"When I married my wife, we moved here. I had a good job offer. Been here ever since."
"Do you ever miss Baltimore?"
.............
"No."
"Do you have any kids?"
............
"No."
Way to keep a conversation going, guy. I roll my eyes and turn my body towards the passenger side window. The shrubbery outside is more interesting than Mr. Enthusiastic here. In the complete silence of the car, my mind once again drifts to Club Guy. I inwardly sigh. It's quite pathetic, my daydreaming about him like this. I try to push him out of my mind, but he just keeps forcing his way back in. Each blind date I go on brings hope that this will be the man who knocks me off of my feet and makes me forget Club Guy even exists. It hasn't happened yet and it damn sure isn't happening tonight.
"We're here," Bland Man tells me as he parks.
I turn my body to unbuckle and hear his car door slam. I look up and this clown is already walking toward the entrance of the place! No one is that damn hungry. Fucker. I stomp into the restaurant and see him standing inside the front door, fidgeting and looking around frantically.
When we're seated, the weird behavior doesn't let up. It actually gets worse. Our waitress asks for our drink orders and gives me an apologetic look. I guess she can see my Bitter Beer Face.
At this point, conversation is just not an option. I'm not gonna try anymore and I doubt he'll start being a decent human being any time soon. So I pick up the menu and bury my face in it. Reading each item and closely inspecting the pictures as if they were pieces of a map leading to Shangri-La.
"Levi, what are you doing here?!" I hear a woman ask sharply.
I look up from my menu and see a woman standing next to Levi, looking clearly annoyed.
"CLAIRE!" he exclaims, voice brimming with emotion.
Claire?!
"You need to leave. Now, Levi."
"I just needed to see you. Please, Claire!" I look over at him and he has buckets of tears running down his face. Wow. Is this really happening?
"No. There's nothing to talk about. Get out of my restaurant!" she seethes.
Her restaurant? I look at the front of the menu, which prominently displays the name of the eatery: Claire's Place.
Oh. Hell. No.
This boogery fool has brought me to his ex-wife's restaurant to beg her for another chance while on a date. With me.
At this point, Levi is leaned over holding on to Claire's shirt for dear life, cryin' and snottin' into the stretched fabric. Claire's eyes are tightly closed. She looks like she's silently asking chubby baby Jesus to give her the strength to keep from stabbing her ex with his cutlery.
"Levi. Let. Me. Go."
"No, Claire!" *hiccup* "Never again! I'll never let you GOOOO! Please," *sniffle* "talk to me! PLEASE! I'm begging you!" Snot Monster drops down on his knees and tightly wraps his arms around Claire's legs, loudly wailing into her thighs.
Most of the patrons are now looking at the made for TV drama unfolding before their eyes. A few of them have their camera phones out, blatantly recording and snapping pictures of this foolishness. Great, I'm gonna be on YouTube.
I slowly sink down into my chair and cover my face with mine and Levi's menus. Death by mortification, here I come.
"CLAAAAIIIIIRE!!!! CLAAAAAIIIIIIIRE!!!! PLEEEEEAAAAASE!!! NOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO!" Now he's coughing and hiccupping hysterically. There isn't a surface on his face and neck that isn't covered in tears, snot or drool. Grody. Apparently his self-respect and manliness hit the road when Claire did.
"I need you! PLEASE TALK TO ME! I NEED YOU!!!!"
Claire's face is buried in her hands, shaking her head back and forth. Poor girl.
"Um, Claire?" I squeak out.
Her head snaps up to look at me.
"Uh, do you mind if I take a menu?"
She looks at me, clearly agitated and confused by my random ass question.
"Fine. FINE. Whatever!" she snaps.
I quickly grab my purse and hold the menu in front of my face, barely peeking my eyes over the top, to make my exit. When I'm outside, I breathe a sigh of relief. But then I quickly realize that The Boogey Man drove me here. Shit!
I walk across the street to a gas station and call a cab from my cell. An hour later and I'm home. Thank you, Xenu!
I check my house phone and see that I have a few missed calls. Alice, Charlie, and some unknown number. Whoever they are didn't leave a message and I don't call strange numbers back. Oh well. If it was important, they'll call again.
I take off my shoes and walk into the bathroom to fill the tub. Some relaxation sounds excellent right now. Should I? Oh, what the hell. I walk into my bedroom and open my buzzy-bin, taking out a waterproof vibrator.
When the tub is full, I get in and sigh in relief. Yeeeaaah. After a few minutes of soaking, I reach for the vibrator. I'm kind of nervous. I haven't done this in such a long time. I can't even remember when I had my last orgasm. How sad is that? I lean back and close my eyes. Suddenly I see him. My nipples immediately harden in anticipation and I slowly lower my hand to massage my breast, kneading and rubbing it gently. My back arches at the feeling. He's licking my neck as I turn on the vibrator and touch it to my clit. I gasp and he grabs a nipple between his fingers and pinches it. He covers my hand with his and guides the vibrator in slow circles around my clit. Oh, it feels so good.
He leans in closer to me and places slow, gentle kisses from my ear to my jaw line and back. I sigh and breathe in his unbelievable scent while he lowers the vibrator to my entrance. I hold my breath as he slowly pushes the vibrator into me. Oh god. The sensation of the vibrator and his lips and fingers working my body is incredible. My breathing is getting faster as he slides the vibrator in and out of me. I know I'm getting close. The buildup is torture. His hand is moving too slowly. I arch my back and whimper. He speeds up his movements, knowing without words exactly what I need. Yes. More.
His hand is pumping me furiously while his tongue is sucking, licking, and nibbling on my nipples. So good. So close. Yes. I feel my stomach coil in intense pleasure. YES! He lifts his head from my breasts, lowers his mouth onto my heated flesh and bites down on my neck. I cry out as my body quivers, pleasure exploding, shaking me to the core of my being.
"Oh god! YESSSSS!!!"
After a few seconds. Or hours. My body relaxes and sinks down into the tub. Wow. I open my eyes and hear the phone ringing. Did I fall asleep? Damn, that was a good orgasm! I hurriedly grab my robe and rush to the phone.
"Hello?"
"Bella!"
"Hey, Rose. What's up?"
"Check your email."
"Huh? Why?"
"Ugh! Stop asking so many questions and just check your damn email!"
I walk over to my computer and log into my email address. I see a few from Rose and a bunch from other random people. Old friends, colleagues, my mom... I click on Rose's first. There's a link. I right click to open in another page. A YouTube video entitled Crybaby Man. What the? The video is ten minutes and I'm just dumbstruck. I "x" out of the page and open another one of Rose's links. The same snot fiasco, but from a different angle, obviously taken by someone else. I "x" out and open another link. Failblog?! *facepalm* There's a huge picture of us. Me sitting at the table looking at the spectacle with wide eyes, mouth agape with my hand on my chest. Levi is on his knees, eyes red and swollen. His face and shirt wet with slimy excretions. He's looking up at Claire with the saddest, wettest, most pathetic puppy dog eyes, his mouth wide open like a fish out of water. Claire is standing with her arms crossed, face as red as a tomato, looking down at Levi like he's plankton shit. In big, red letters across the bottom of the picture is: "First date FAIL."
I groan loudly and hang up with Rose to read more emails. The rest of them are from people either informing me of my celebrity with links to various websites or asking me what on earth happened on my date with Crybaby Man and inquiring who "Really Really Mad Girl" was. Yes, the blogs named her too. I sigh and log out, turning off my computer and my brain. I've had enough for one night. Time for lights out. Hopefully this will be forgotten by the end of the week.
o~O~o
A/N:
Aw, poor Bella! Will it ever end? No. Probably not :-) If you haven't been to failblog(dot)org, you're seriously missing out on the funniest shit ever. Do yourself a favor and look at it after you review!
This chapter wouldn't be readable if it weren't for coachlady1. She sprinkles beta dust on her screen and voila! Everything's how it should be :-)
"Buzzy-bin" was taken from Falling For the First Time by SnowWhiteHeart. Funny shit, indeed.
I have a new one shot for the "What's Love Got to Do With It?" Anti-Valentine's Day Challenge. The rules are simple: NO canon pairings. NO love/relationships/feelings/mushy stuff. Pure sexin'. Yeah, baby! Check out the link in my profile and show me some love!
Until next time! Smooches! ^_^